A/N: This is all Bucky's POV.
***
She wasn't at her apartment.
But I was determined to speak to her. To apologize for everything that she had to endure because of me. I owed her that much and more.
I decided to wait for her after she hadn't answered when I knocked, sitting on the steps that lead to her building and trying to think of what I could possibly say to her. And also hoping that finding me waiting for her outside of her apartment wouldn't upset her.
An hour passed and I briefly thought about leaving, going back to the compound and asking Steve for her phone number to call instead; when I heard the sound of laughter approaching on the otherwise quiet street. I looked up to find her coming down the sidewalk, with a woman at her side, their arms linked together, laughing happily. My heart started to race the moment she noticed me, her eyes locking with mine and the smile slipping right off her face, the laughter dying in her throat. She looked stunned to see me there, her footsteps halting and forcing her friend to stop along with her. I rose slowly, feeling nervousness sweep through me, adjusting my jacket and pushing my hair from my face. I nodded to her friend in greeting, not wanting to be rude, and looked back to Jade.
"Hi...Jade," I said, my voice soft and almost unsteady. "Can...Can we talk?"
"Y-Yeah, sure," she stuttered nodding slowly. She looked to her friend at her side. "Iris, can you give us a minute?"
"Yeah, of course, I'll just be upstairs if you need me." She gave Jade's arm a squeeze before releasing her and heading for the doors. "It's good to see you again, Mr. Metal," she said cheerily, winking at me as she passed.
I felt a confused frown cross my lips as she breezed past me. Mr. Who?
She didn't wait for me to respond, smirking at me before she went up the steps quickly and disappeared inside. I turned back to find Jade watching me, a hesitant smile on her full lips. Those damn butterflies were swarming in my stomach and I swallowed hard.
"Should we sit?" She asked motioning to the steps behind me.
"Oh, sure," I said stepping back and allowing her to sit first. I sat beside her, a comfortable distance away, not wanting to encroach on her space.
A silence fell over us, an uncomfortable one, that mixed with a sudden tension I felt at being near her. My body was practically tingling, calling to hers, the urge to wrap my arms around her and hug her close nearly too strong to ignore. My brain may have lost her somehow, but my body had not. It knew her and there was a desire there, one that couldn't come from anything other than an intimacy we had previously shared. I did my best to ignore it, went over what I wanted to say to her, wondering how to start, to make things right, but she spoke first.
"You know my name," she said. "And where I live..."
"Steve, he told me... everything," she frowned and looked down. "I know you didn't want him too, but I didn't give him much of a choice."
"So you still don't remember anything?" There was a hint of sadness to her voice.
"No," I answered seeing the way the disappointment shined in her eyes when she looked up at me again. "But I want too," I added quickly.
"I want you to, too," she said softly.
I wanted to reach out and touch that blush on her cheeks then, to rub my thumb across that skin of hers that I knew would be soft to the touch. I could see why I had liked her, she was definitely easy on the eyes, with a sweet demeanor, and if everything that Steve had said was true, then she had already endured more for me than any other person had. Well aside from Steve. Despite not being able to remember her, how could I not like her knowing all of that?
"I owe you an apology," I started. "For what happened before-."
She chuckled softly shaking her head, making me stop. "Stop apologizing, James. It's not your fault."
I gaped at her incredulously. How can it not be? How can she even stand to look at me after everything that I put her through?
"How could it not be-?"
"Even before they took your memory from you, you were always apologizing and I had to stop you. It's really not your fault. You didn't mean to turn my life upside down, you were just trying to live your life, and the whole Dimitri thing-," she stiffened as she mentioned that name, taking a deep shuddering breath. My fists clenched as I thought back to what Steve had told me Dimitri had done to her. "The Dimitri thing wasn't your fault. You aren't responsible for what he did. You would have stopped him if you could have. If anything its my fault because he used me to get to you, to make you let them take your memory and turn you back into...into that soldier ." she trailed off and looked at me with watery eyes.
"Oh, Doll." The pet name fell too easily from my lips. I reached for her face. It felt so normal to touch her, so right, and heat raced up my arm the moment our skin touched. Her eyes widened a bit at the contact, her lips parting and a small gasp that I might have missed were it not for my enhanced hearing escaped her. "None of this was your fault Jade. Don't you blame yourself for any of it. I was a fool to think that I could have any sense of a normal life with Hydra still on my tail."
"That's not fair, James." She reached up and placed her much smaller hand over mine, pressing it further against her cheek. She sighed at my touch, eyes fluttering close for a brief second before she continued. "You deserve a happy life. A semi normal life at the very least. After everything that you have been through. I don't blame you for any of this. It sounds crazy, but I'm still glad that I met you. And believe it or not we've had this exact conversation before," she laughed softly.
I shook my head at her, shocked and amazed at her kindness and selflessness. Any person in their right mind wouldn't have wanted to be within ten feet of me if they knew the very real danger that I could bring into someone's life. And here she was, having endured hell for me and still somehow liking me, wanting me, happy to have met me. I wished then that I could remember all the moments that had passed between us, every look, every touch, every smile, every kiss and more that we had shared. I wanted it all back and I was angry at Hydra for again taking something from me.
She was looking into my eyes so intently, almost with a desperation. I found myself leaning in, my lips tingling with the want to feel hers. My nose was almost touching hers when she turned her head downward, right before they met and her hand dropped from mine. I reluctantly withdrew my hand and leaned back, feeling an ache in my palm at the absence of the touch.
"I'm sorry," she sighed. "I want to. I do. But I think we should hold off...until you get some of your memories back...that way we know what you're feeling is real and not just because you think you should like me after everything."
It made sense. As much as I didnt want it to, it did. She was still worried about me. I nodded in agreement. "It's okay, Jade, you're right."
"So...what do we do from here?" She asked.
I didn't know. I didn't know what to do. I just knew that I wanted all of my memories back more than anything. I wanted to remember her and everything about her. "Can we...go out sometime? The more I'm with you, the more I should remember...I hope."
She smiled brightly. "Well, actually you do owe me a proper date."
"I do, huh?" I smiled.
"Yes, James Buchanan Barnes, you do," she said. "And luckily for you I happen to have some free time tomorrow."
"Well good. I'll be here tomorrow then. We can have dinner. Say 7:00?" I offered.
She nodded. "7:00 is perfect."
"Great," I answered. "I should let you get back to your friend then. I'll see you tomorrow." We both rose at the same time.
She started backing up the steps toward the buildings door, not taking her eyes off of me. "I look forward to it," she said.
"Goodnight, Jade," I called when she reached the door.
"Goodnight, James," she replied before opening the door and stepping through.
I made it back to the compound well after sunset, a small smile on my face and a bit of hope in my stomach. Steve was waiting for me when I got back to the compound, giving me an odd sense of deja vu when I saw him standing outside my room door waiting.
"Hey, how did it go? Was Jade mad that I told you?" He asked as soon as I stepped off the elevator.
"Don't think so," I shrugged as I reached him, opening my room door and feeling him follow behind me. "And it went well. We talked. We're going out tomorrow."
"Good, that's great, I, uh, brought you something," he said making me turn to him. He was holding a journal in his hands. "This is the most recent journal you wrote before being taken by Dimitri. It talks about Jade, a little bit, I didn't give it to you because of, you know, her not wanting you to know about her."
"Oh," I said taking the notebook from his hands. "Thanks Steve."
"You're welcome," he answered shoving his hands into his pockets. He looked at me hesitantly, worry in his eyes. "So we're good then?"
"We're always good," I assured touching his shoulder with a smile. "Now get out of here. I'm hitting the hay."
He nodded and turned to leave the room, offering a goodnight before shutting the door behind him. I settled onto the bed, kicking off my boots. I opened the notebook, flipping through the first pages until I saw her name written in my hurried writing.
I had written about everything that Steve had told me up until the night they had come for her, but in far more detail. I had written about how she made me feel, the emotions and feelings that she had called forth in me, things that I had thought I would never feel again. I was surprised at how fondly I wrote of her, how open I had been because of her. Then I had gotten to the passages I had written about having to let her go, being unable to be in her life due to the danger that I could and inevitably would bring into her life. I had been right about that, far more than I wanted to be.
I had hoped that reading my own writing about her would call forth more memories, or all of them, of her, but it hadn't. I went for my laptop then, opening the internet just as Shuri had showed me and googling how to remember lost memories.
The next morning I went straight to Dr. Lewis' office, carrying the journal, walking right into his office, thankful to find him sitting at his desk alone. He was decent looking guy in his late 50's, he was soft spoken, educated, kind. I had been wary of him at first, sitting in some room with a guy, pouring my feelings out to him sounded silly to me, but after many sessions I had grown comfortable with him.
He looked up at me in surprise as I entered, setting down his pen and closing his notepad. "Sergeant Barnes," he said removing his glasses. "I wasn't aware we had an appointment this morning."
"We don't Doc. But I want my memories back," I said walking to his desk and setting the journal before me. "And I want you to hypnotize me, you can use this to prompt me."
Dr. Lewis blinked. "Sergeant Barnes, I think in a case like yours, doing something like that might be quite dangerous-."
"Can you do it?" I interrupted. "Have you done it before?"
"Well yes, but like I said, given your history and fragile mental state, I'd advise against it. What is prompting you to take such desperate measures to get your memories back so quickly?"
"There's a girl. The one I told you about. The one I was dreaming about in Wakanda."
Dr. Lewis nodded knowingly. "Jade."
"Yes, she's a patient of yours right?"
"Yes, she is one of my patients."
"So you knew about us? About her and me before I lost my memory?"
"I can't tell you what we discuss in our private sessions, but I was made aware of the incident and her involvement. Captain Rogers and Mr. Stark told me before she became my patient."
"So you know what she has been through because of me and you can see why I need my memory back then?"
Dr. Lewis set his glasses on his desk and clasped his hands. I got the feeling that I wouldn't like what he had to say next. "There are things that have been erased from your memory that if you were to remember them again they might be- most likely would be traumatizing to you-."
"I know, Doc, and I don't care. I think...I think she's worth it," I cut in with a firm nod. "Now will ya do it or not?"
Dr. Lewis hesitated, looking at me with calculating eyes before sighing. "Yes, Sergeant Barnes, I will do it. But I am promising nothing. Hypnotism has had positive results with calling on suppressed memories in studies, but there are no guarantees."
I nodded. "I know, I looked it up last night, but I still want to try."
"Then please lie down on the couch, Sergeant Barnes."