My heart was in my mouth as I stood below, watching Ricardo up high on the trapeze practising his attempted triple somersault in the air, before being caught by my cousin Alex swinging from the other trapeze opposite him.
They had been continually going over it these past few weeks.
Ricardo was safely harnessed up, and of course there was the safety net below, so if the attempts failed as they had done quite a few times, he was fine physically; although mentally he got frustrated with himself.
But that didn't stop him from getting back up and trying it again, determined to overcome the failures and perfect his next attempt. Encouraged by his father and Alex to keep going.
His perseverance and dedication was starting to pay off, as the more times they went over the stunt, Ricardo became more confident and was able to achieve the end results he wanted. So much so, he decided to drop the harness and be content with just the safety net below him
Even though he managed to get through the somersault more times now than failing, the few times it didn't work out and he fell into the safety net, I felt my whole body shuddering at the thought of the horrible disaster that could happen.
But finally they decided to take a break to recoup for a while, and I took the opportunity to go over and hand Ricardo his bottle of water, knowing he would probably be needing it. But it was also a good excuse for me to make sure for myself that he was alright.
He was a little breathless as I handed him the bottle, but he still manage to mutter his thanks before taking a drink
"I reckon we have almost nailed it, I think by next week we will be able to include it in the live performance," he then said glancing at me as I stood beside him,
"Oh," was all I manage to reply, trying to hide my anxiety at the prospect
"Well that sounded very encouraging and enthusiastic," he remarked dryly
"I am sorry, I was just thinking perhaps it's a bit too soon. But then I guess you would know better than me, when you are ready," I relented
"Yeah I would," he agreed curtly taking another drink from the bottle, "I am glad you realise that"
"You know me, I just worry a too much," I then tried to placate him
"Really? I hadn't noticed," he retorted good humouredly, looking around to meet his slightly amused gaze, I couldn't help giggling.
It seem to relax the slight tension between us
"You know you don't have to come and watch me rehearse if it makes you uneasy," he then said, in not an unkind tone, "I don't mind if you stay away, if it is all too much for you. In fact it would probably be easier for me, not seeing that petrified look on your face every time I land in the net," he confessed with a grin
I felt my face heat up guiltily. I hadn't been aware he had noticed me watching him so keenly, and that my expression had been so obvious.
"I'm sorry, its not that I don't want you to succeed in doing this.. I guess I just don't understand why you feel you have to prove yourself, especially when you have made such great progress from the car accident, and there is the risk that this stunt could undo all that," I tried to explain,
"Is it really worth it?" I turned to look at him questioningly now
He eyed me back thoughtfully, digesting my question carefully, before answering
"Yes actually, I think it is," he finally replied, and took another drink from the bottle, before speaking again in a casual tone,
"Did you know your mother could have been a great Trapeze artiste?"
I blinked in surprise, because it was something I was not aware of.
Ricardo smiled a little smugly, and waggled the bottle of water he had in his hand towards my face, " Ha! I got you there, didn't I? I knew something about your mother that you didn't."
"Well I never heard my Grandfather or my Aunt Lizzie ever mention that my mother actually did anything in the circus," I replied in defence, "So how could I? Anyway how do you know?" I then demanded, suddenly uncertain if he was just teasing me about it.
Yet deep down I sensed he wasn't, which was why I was curious.
"Didn't you ever wonder why it was your Grandfather felt so strongly about your mother? Why she was his favourite daughter? and why her leaving the circus effected him so bitterly?" Ricardo then asked his expression now serious as he continued,
"I didn't fully understand the whole story myself until he confided in me about it one evening, Your Grandfather had just a few too many whiskey's and was in a rather melancholy mood, otherwise he might never have mentioned it to me,"
"Why, what happened?" I asked Ricardo, who now had my full attention
"Well it seemed from a young age, your mother was a natural on the trapeze. In fact she performed along with your Grandfather. He had high hopes for her future, and that she would make a great name for herself in the circus." Ricardo then explained,
"But as you know yourself, it turned out it was not what she wanted.. She had her sights set on a better education and becoming a teacher. Your Grandfather thought it was a terrible waste, and was greatly disappointed, he felt she was rejecting her natural gifted talent, and in doing so, was also rejecting him and everything he stood for," Ricardo said ruefully, "After he disowned her, when she went ahead and married your father, he never liked to talk about what could have been.. It hurt him too much, which was why no one was allowed to mention it," he finished
"I-I never realised the full story," I said quietly, wishing my Grandfather had told me about these things
"No, I don't suppose you did," Ricardo relented, "But you see, since then, I have tried to make up for that disappointment you mother had caused him," he then said with a small frown,
"When he took an interest in me and my career in the circus, he told me I had the same potential as his daughter, but I at least appreciated it, and wanted to do something with it. I would like to think that I had managed in some small way to make him proud of all he taught me, even if I was not his flesh and blood"
"I know he was proud of you, and you were like a son to him," I then reiterated
Ricardo sighed, "Exactly; which is why I need to do this. Just as much for his memory, as for myself. I know if he were here today he would be encouraging me, I want his legacy to live on.. and this is the only way I can do it. Can you understand that?" His dark eyes rested on me intently
The fact Ricardo admitted he was doing this partly for my Grandfather put a whole new light on the situation, and now understanding his motives a little better, I found myself just moved that he had cared so much about my Grandfather, that he felt he had to push himself to his limits, just to show the world what he helped him to achieve.
He had understood him in a way I never could, and I found myself almost envying that.
Suddenly I felt a little guilty that I had not encouraged and supported Ricardo a little more than I could have recently. But knowing his dedication had stemmed from my Grandfather and all he had learned him, it was something I had been unable to appreciate really until now.
So I nodded my head in answer to his query, "I think I do," I finally replied, "Thank you for telling me about my Grandfather and what happened with my mother. I just wish I had known before; it's made me look at things in a different perspective, " I added gratefully.
Then I suddenly came to another decision, and turned my solemn expression on Ricardo, "And I will try and be more encouraging, and a good supportive wife to you in the future, because I think that is what my Grandfather would want me to do also," I then stated with a new determination
Ricardo just smiled, seeming amused. But then he reached out and casually grabbed my hand with his free one, and laced his fingers through mine, "Be careful, I just might hold you to that," he replied teasingly, squeezing my hand gently as he did so.
I never realised until that moment, holding hands could be such an intimate enjoyable gesture, and yet that was exactly how it felt. And suddenly it seemed to have created a connection between us that had not been there before.
I felt my cheeks heat up, suddenly feeling ridiculously shy around him, that I suddenly lost the power of my tongue, and didn't know what to say in reply.
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"So this is how you are in your natural environment?" My father remarked grinning, but at the same time seeming impressed, as I walked along beside him across the caravan campsite. I had George in my arms and we were heading towards the Big Top.
Tonight was the night Ricardo would be publicly performing the triple somersault in his big comeback, which also happened to be in Spain his Father's native country.
When I had spoken to my father over the phone about it, he had said he would love to be able come and see Ricardo perform, and would it be alright if he flew the whole family out to Spain.
I told my father I would see what I could do. I would have loved him to be there, but first I needed to see how Ricardo would feel about it.
I didn't want to cause him anymore tension, especially on his big night.
I had decided to try and soften the request by casually mentioning it to him in front of his mother and father, and see how they felt about it also.
My little plan seemed to work, Angela and Thomas thought it was a great idea, and were very enthusiastic about it. They had even insisted they would get my father and his family special ringside seats so they could enjoy the whole show.
Ricardo didn't make any objections to their plans, in fact he seemed happy enough to go along with them much to my surprise.
At first I thought he might be just doing it because he didn't want to go against his parents, But even later, when we had both alone and I was telling my father the good news over the phone, Ricardo had just smiled easily when I informed him a little nervously that my father was looking forward to coming to see him.
Perhaps, at last, he had accepted that even if my father was an outsider he still had a right to be a part of my life. And he no longer seen him as a threat that would take me away from the circus, because Ricardo now knew where my heart and loyalties lay.
My Father and Isabel had booked into a hotel nearby the evening before.
Having informed Ricardo's parents about this, Thomas suggested that the whole family should spend the day at the circus spending time with us and getting to see behind the scenes, Angela also wanted to invite them to share a meal with them, before the show started, much to my delight.
So now I had gotten the chance to invite my father and Isabel into my world and show them around the circus.
We had eaten a hearty meal with Ricardo's parents, although Ricardo had been absent as he was busy still rehearsing for the show that evening .
Simon had wanted to go and watch him in action, so Thomas had taken him to over to the Big Top where Ricardo and the others where practising. And that was why I was heading there now with my father. We had left Isabel and Emily in the company of my Aunt Lizzie and Angela having a girly chat.
It would soon be time for the show to start, so we went to go and collect Simon.
We found him with Ricardo and Alex, full of enthusiasm and excitement because they had lowered the trapeze down, and were learning him a few easy moves to try out. Much to my delight, it seemed he and Ricardo had been getting on great. Simon showed my father what Ricardo had learned him already, as he dangled upside down on the Trapeze
It seemed Ricardo was now officially my younger half sibling's hero, because that was all whom he talked about.
He was positively glowing with pride when Ricardo told him that he all the makings of a good trapeze artist, with a little more practice.
My father thanked Ricardo for giving Simon a good time, then shook hands with him, wishing him all the best for his performance later that night.
Ricardo just smiled graciously and thanked him. I guessed he was too hyped up about the evenings show, to be grudging towards anyone, even my father.
And in a way I was glad to have my father and Isabel were there, they distracted me from my own nerves as the time approached for the show to begin, because I was occupied making sure they got to their seats alright, and answering all their questions and queries.
But when the show finally started, I could not sit out in the ring amongst the audience
I preferred being out of the way, watching from the one of the sidelines where the performing acts entered the ring. Ricardo's trapeze performance was near the end of the show to give it more impact.
I stood with George in my arms on the other side of the ring watching Alex, Ricardo and his sisters finally entered across the way from me, in their glittering red costumes with exuberant graceful movements of their limbs as they made their way over to the rope ladder to climb up to the trapeze.
I had deliberately avoided Ricardo right before the show, because I didn't want him to see how nervous I was about tonight. My knees were practically knocking together and he would have teased me about my lack of bravery and confidence in him to pull it off.
I was glad I had George in my arms to distract me a little, he recognised his father climbing up the ladder and pointed towards him smiling in delight "Dada!" he exclaimed
"Yes," I laughed stroking his dark curls away from his eyes, "That is your Dada, and we are so very proud of him tonight"
George just laughed and pointed towards Ricardo again and I found myself saying a silent prayer that he would be safe and achieve this goal he had worked so hard on trying to get.