Chapter 4 Waiting
YU stands in front of Sam's practice door and waits. His wristwatch showed him the time a moment ago. And another glance at it makes YU sigh slightly.
9:38 a.m.
Still 22 minutes to the first session.
'Not too early again,' he thinks to himself as he shows up early again for the appointment with Sam Lin.
The Sam Lin who has made YU hold his breath through the depths of thought in his publications.
The Sam Lin who taught YU the meaning of dreams through his writings. The Sam Lin about whom there are no biographical details in the treatises.
No photo. No professional career.
Only Sam Lin.
A name of a psychoanalyst who wrote numerous treatises on depth psychological phenomena in therapy sessions during advanced training.
YU's professor Österreich covered Sam's papers in the lectures. He approached YU 6 months ago after the lecture and told him about the planned research project of Sam's PhD thesis. There was still no public call for subjects to apply. Professor Österreich had the information from his colleague and good friend Professor Dieckmann. The latter had told him enthusiastically about the project.
And Professor Österreich knew that the introverted, extremely bright Japanese man, who sat silently in the background in his lectures but had left an impressive impression on him through his written achievements and profundities, would be a perfect test subject.
Professor Österreich knew Sam Lin from the rapturous tales of his friend Dieckmann.
Of course, he knew his age. His roots. His biographical hurdles that he had overcome.
And it was for these very reasons that he approached YU six months ago and recommended he apply to be a subject for Sam's research.
Still hoping that through Sam, YU would come out of his shell and reveal to the academic world his innate ability to analyze situations and people and bring them into harmonious alignment.
Silently hoping that YU would venture a journey into his unconscious and break the shackles of his experiences that had condemned him to the shadows.
And YU began to familiarize himself with Sam Lin's thoughts.
In his small apartment at Kameruner Str. 14 in Berlin Wedding, he spent the entire semester break reading Sam Lin.
Since he had emigrated to Berlin at the age of 18, he has lived in this 1-room apartment in the district of Wedding, which is popular with students. The apartments are inexpensive. Numerous shopping opportunities. Colorful people from all countries of the world on the streets.
And those who want to remain anonymous, remain so.
His apartment in the back building became his hideout.
Even in the small backyard numerous plants and trees bloom. Berlin is truly the greenest city in Europe. Nowhere does one miss the large and small deciduous and coniferous trees.
So it was in the small backyard of YU's apartment. He spent hours at the window. In his little oasis, he felt safe.
Hidden. Safe.
Even though the trash in the yard stank up to the 3rd floor of his apartment in the summer, the yellow, red, and green leaves littered the walkways in the fall, and the trees looked bare and bony in the winter, he always looked forward to spring. The pink buds bloom annually in his oasis and always make him think of his native Japan. Of the cherry blossoms in the garden of his childhood home.
A childhood home without parents.
His Taiwanese mother met his Japanese father at an event in Tokyo. As a model, she traveled a lot in Asia. YU's father fell in love at first sight with the beautiful young woman who was promoting his company's products at the event.
YU's mother allowed herself to be flattered by the charming and articulate Japanese man. He made her feel like the most magical being in the world. Promised her security, prosperity and his eternal love.
And so she decided to get involved with him. To become his wife. To blossom in the role of a mother.
In vain.
His mother's prenatal depression did not allow for a true bond with her son.
YU was born into a world of sadness. His mother cried often during the first six years of his life. She just couldn't feel love. Felt left out. Wanted her old life back.
The father kept up appearances and did not accept her depression. To the outside world they seemed like a small happy family, but they kept their happiness only in their small circle.
Hidden from the eyes of traditional society.
No social interactions. No outings. No warmth.
Only a sad, crying mother.
Only an always-working never-present father.
And YU began comforting as a young child.
He looked for ways to cheer up his mother. To take everything away from her.
And when she would throw a tantrum and blame him for his existence, he would lock himself deep inside.
He let her rage. Take it out on him.
In a harmonious voice, he apologized to her. Stroked her hair. Caught her tears.
And finally went back to his room. The room that meant not only refuge, but home.
A room filled with books. As soon as YU started reading at the age of five, his father regularly brought him books from all over the world. He wanted to please his YU, who sprang from the womb of his great love.
Children's books did not interest YU. He was much more concerned with the poets and thinkers of the Western world. And when YU's father one day brought a Japanese translation of the German-American psychoanalyst Erich Fromm, a life-changing passion ignited in YU.
'The Art of Loving' deals with the psychology and philosophy of love in different cultures and religions.
Unconditional love, punishing, regulating love.
Love.
An unfamiliar feeling for YU.
After reading the book repeatedly, he asked his father to bring a German copy. He wanted to read Fromm's words unadulterated.
And so it came to pass that every day after school, YU grappled with the German language.
A language that can formulate all differentiated thoughts down to the smallest detail. With and without excesses. Objectively to the point. Enlivening metaphorically.
YU read the books of Sigmund Freud, Carl Gustav Jung, Arthur Schopenhauer and Friedrich Nietzsche. And the works of Franz Kafka shaped the self-image of the lonely adolescent.
Without a mother and with a father overcome by melancholy, he was left behind.
His mother's despair made her simply disappear one day.
YU sat at the window of his room and listened to the loud argument of his parents.
He heard his father crying for the first time. His mother screamed that she didn't want to anymore.
And YU, at the age of 8, was looking for himself again, trying to direct his harmonious voice to himself. He lulled deep into himself while watching the cherry blossoms in the garden dance in the wind.
He decided to travel to Germany one day. The country that promised him the healing words.
Until then, he would wait. Wait for everything to change.
Yes, the buds blooming pink in spring in the backyard of his small apartment in Berlin Wedding reminded him of his childhood home.
As he left his apartment early this morning, walking carefully across the ice-slick courtyard floor and finally taking the Train toward Humboldt University, he inwardly reestablished his harmonious voice:
'Calm down. It's really him. Sam Lin. Don't be swayed by his appearance. He is Sam Lin. The psychoanalyst who made you understand that we act in metaphors. And now he wants to interpret your metaphors with you. Calm down. It is him. He wrote all those thoughts that moved you. He is Sam Lin.
And so YU is still standing outside Sam's door, breathing deeply in and out.
His heart is beating faster. Faster than usual.
It makes him feel alive.
His existence is justified. Be it for this moment.
He looks at the clock again.
9:52.
And he can't wait any longer.
His delicate, cold fingers move slowly to the door.
YU hesitates. Puts his hand on the door and pauses for a moment.
And finally knocks barely audibly.