Chapter 3 Compare
Sam is standing on the terrace of his attic apartment at Lietzenseeufer 6 in Berlin Charlottenburg. He is looking at the numerous old trees on the Lietzensee Park.
Even though the Berlin winter is cold and wet, everything seems gray and gloomy, Sam is reassured by the numerous deciduous trees in their old, large and sturdy stature. The weeping willows lined up along the shore blow stoically in the wind.
Cheerful children frolic in the large playground, even in sub-zero temperatures.
Sam remembers how amazed he was during his first years in Germany.
'There is no such thing as wrong weather, there is only wrong clothing,' is the saying among full-blooded parents. Their children should get out into the fresh air and romp around every day. No matter what age.
With a smile on his face, Sam remembers his childhood.
Fixed rules. Fixed standards. Fixed requirements.
An educational culture based on the teachings of Confucius.
Until he was 6 years old, he was treated with great indulgence.
Spoiled. As if he could not guide his mind, his mother showered him with overprotective and affectionate attention. Her baby was not allowed to get sick, to get dirty, to be exposed to any possible danger.
Sam didn't know any different until the age of understanding set in.
By age 7, academic advancement was targeted. Caring took on a different focus. Love was replaced by discipline.
The seriousness of life allowed no free games, no wild romps.
And the weather was whenever wrong.
And so it happened that Sam moved here to this apartment after the 6 semesters in the dormitory, because the sight of the Lietzensee, the trees and the free, happy children on the big playground gave him a feeling of peace.
And in the evenings he likes to walk along the shore and make plans, discuss theses internally, enjoy the atmosphere.
And at some moments he is swinging carefree on the big playground he loves so much.
The smirk on Sam's face widens and ends in a chuckle. He shakes himself and looks at the clock.
The time finally snaps him out of his mental ramblings. It's 8:30 a.m., Monday. His first session is with YU at 10.
YU.
Sam pauses for a moment and nods gravely.
So much more has happened since he saw YU last Tuesday. Sam met the other 11 students during the rest of the week and set up his practice late into the night on the weekend.
He also visited his professor, Dieckmann, his doctoral advisor.
A father since he started at the university as a stranger.
Professor Dieckmann saw a still quite small Taiwanese standing piously on the campus at that time. He had already heard about the brilliant 16-year-old student who had traveled alone to Germany to study psychology. He had been learning German in Taiwan since he was 8 years old. Prepared himself for his studies.
He approached young Sam and took the wide-eyed, inquisitive student right into his heart. Laughing, he put his arm around the shoulder of the tautly standing and politely bowing Sam and invited him in for tea.
For the past eleven years, Sam has privately visited his German father for tea on Friday evenings. No matter how much or little they have to do with each other professionally at the university, the private contact every Friday evening remains as a ritual.
A mental exchange. Profound conversations.
And always with a light taste.
A fatherly advice. Fesselless suggestions.
And his professor's immensely impressive fund of knowledge made Sam brighten childishly.
His action figure. His superhero.
His role model.
That Friday, Sam talked about his subjects. About Nadine, Caro, Henrik and Volker, who, although they are in their 4th semester, have very little basic knowledge. The preliminary talk degenerated into a lecture, as Sam could not stand their ignorance about the basics of his research. Bettina and Mustafa would have sound knowledge, but were still very far from their unconscious.
"Well, and I met the other five subjects today. It was really just a preliminary interview. I'm going to have them come to the session once a week. That should be enough." said Sam musingly as he sat across from Professor Dieckmann.
"Did a student not show up?" asked Dieckmann.
Sam felt caught and blushed slightly.
"The 12th is YU Teng. He was the first one I received," Sam admitted.
"You just forgot YU Teng in the remarks?" asked Dieckmann with slightly raised eyebrows.
Sam's cheeks shimmered even more red.
"Siegmund Freud would feel very vindicated by your physical reaction. Forgetting means not wanting to listen to the unconscious. May I join you in listening?" asked Dieckmann gently.
"The encounter with YU was very intense. We were both confronted with deep emotions. And he held control while I was carried away. Transference and countertransference rolled in unexpectedly.", Sam told in a hushed voice, "I am so amazed at the intensity of the emotions. Over and over I caught myself thinking about the conversation with YU while talking to the others. Comparing them to each other."
"Interesting." nodded Professor Dieckmann.
"And I think it's the right decision to have asked YU to come to the meeting three times a week. In talking with the others, I quickly found that one session a week was sufficient.", Sam further explained.
"Interesting." replied Dieckmann.
Sam turned his gaze back to his old friend. He looked for confirmation in his eyes. The latter read the look and reinforced Sam: "If the sessions with YU help your research, it makes sense to rate the frequency high. You can trust your grandiose mind as well as your intuition."
Dieckmann and Sam smiled at each other until the elder finally said, "These deep emotions, do you want to talk about them?"
Sam immediately replied, "I want to deal with it together with YU. I'll tell you about it then."
"Interesting." replied Professor Dieckmann.
And they ate a piece of bee sting. Professor Dieckmann's Friday sin.
The evening didn't go as long as it usually did. Sam knew the weekend would be busy. Buying furniture for the office, transporting his books and materials. Creating a proper atmosphere for Monday's first official meeting.
With YU.
As Sam unlocks his practice at 9:30 a.m., he hums the tune of 'Wildfire' by SYML.
Carefree he enters his practice and the deep tone of his now singing voice resounds in the room.
Free of any conscious thought, he takes off his jacket and hangs it in the coat closet. Pulls up the blinds on both windows and lets the light gray of the sky illuminate the room. Takes a sing-song look in the small mirror on his shelf. And finally sits down in his armchair. The clock above his door ticks barely audibly.
9:37 a.m.
Sam suddenly laughs. He takes his dictaphone that is on the small side table and speaks:
"12.11.2021, 9.37 am. In 23 minutes, the first session with YU Teng will take place. I am too early. Although I usually use every minute of my time only for scheduled activities, I am too early.
I sit in my chair and wait.
A therapy couch is at my right side. The reclining patient's gaze is fixed on a picture of Gustav Klimt's Tree of Life on the wall. The half meter to the head end of the couch is just close enough for me to perceive even the quiet words of my patient.
I'll see you, YU."
Sam puts his voice recorder back on the table and closes his eyes, leaning his head back and focusing on his breathing.
His heart beats faster than usual.
As if it's trying to push time forward.
And Sam waits for the knock that will bring about the next moment.
And he wonders if YU will appear early again.
And what that would do to him.