Days passed, with her smiling at times and frowning at others, as if she forgets then remembers. Or maybe it is just me being overly sensitive and over-reading it. Her appetite was fine, something to celebrate as it meant her not being stressed. She ate fine, played fine, and talked fine. But I still felt uneasy and worried. As I said, it could be just me and my overthinking.
"Lilly is coming home today, Jasmine. Would you like to wait for her and accompany her for the day? She will go shopping for her friend's wedding" her mother informed her, as she was about to walk into our room to change and accompany me to work.
"Okay!" she agreed, faster than I expected...
I guess I am being overly sensitive.
As she ran to our room to change, some strange feeling downed on me. I turned to her mother and found her studying my face. "Is everything all right?" she asked. If it was another man and his mother-in-law, the obvious answer would be "Yes! Absolutely!" but this was me and her mom; we were more of a son and mother than simple in-laws, and so my answer was "I was fine, but some heavy feeling came out of nowhere."
"What feeling?" she got closer and got a hold of my hand.
"I don't know" I shook my head, generating a heavy sigh right after, resulting in a slouching back and a heavy heart.
"Toby, my dear, are you worried about Jasmine?"
"I always am" I spat without thinking. And before I know it, I felt her grasp on my hand loosen. I looked at her and noticed the expression on her face "No, I didn't mean it that way. Don't you even think like that!" I was the one to grasp both of her hands this time and look her straight in the eyes to reassure her "I love your daughter, and I care for her so much. I understand her, and the state that she is in and I accept it all. I'm not worried because of her mental health, I am worried because I love her... I just want her around me all the time so I can make sure that no one hurts her."
"You-" she started but halted to study my words before she frowned and continued "You still feel guilty because of what that woman did?" she asked, trying to meet my eyes when her question made sure that mine avoid hers. "Toby".
I found the ground with my eyes before I answered her "I shouldn't have left her alone. With Maria around or not, I shouldn't have left her alone"
"Toby, dear, she-" before she finished her sentence, our dear oblivious girl showed up; flinging the door of our room and jumping out like a hero, but instead of a cape and a hero outfit, she was in a gorgeous floral dress.
With what heavenly power am I letting you go alone with your sister, looking like that?!
Probably the power of that deep wide smile you have, I will cave in like I always do...
They had their daughter-mother moment with her twirling to show her mom the dress and her mom complimenting her looks, deepening her smile as a result, if that was even possible.
And all I could do at that moment was realize that my heart lightened and that gloomy cloud that was over my head vanished, since the moment she appeared from behind that door.
It is utterly astonishing and terrifying how love is controlling. One look at her, her smiling face, her shining eyes, her uncanny beauty_just one look_ and a fresh breath of life came into my lungs to revive me. Yet that beauty in front of me was oblivious to what she was capable of, oblivious of what she made me feel and how she got me and my entire being wrapped around her pinky.
My phone rang, getting the attention of us three. "Hello" I answered, knowing quite well that it was time to stop slacking and go to work. "I'm on my way" I answered the urgent voice on the other line before I got up and walked to her. Her mother on the other hand gave us some space before we had to separate for the day.
I put my phone away as I took hold of her long soft fingers in my hand "You look wonderful" I tell her as I pull our locked hands up to my lips so I can peck hers. " A chi chi" I started. "Bo" she whispered, with her rosy cheeks on full display along with her shiny beautiful orbs that were penetrating my soul and encaving it in a trance not allowing it to leave.
I am what they call... 'A simp'
"I'm in love with you" I whispered back.
Just then, I felt a bit of weight on my hands as she used some force to pull herself up, stand on her toes and lean to reach my nose, and spare me one of her pecks.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LEAVE FOR WORK NOW!!
I left... Barely pulled me out of there and her sweetness, and miraculously reached work without turning around.
And how fortunate I am to go to work and get everything untangled and my mind put at ease, with one unexpected visit.
She appeared before lunchtime, her presence this time didn't feel like a threat to me, maybe because of that familiar casual style she had on today or maybe because of Jasmine's absence. "I am not searching for trouble." she stated "I just wanted to talk to you." she added before she took another cautious step into my shop.
"There's a coffee shop around"
She seemed to understand that I didn't want her around here when she nodded "Sure"
"Give me a second." I asked of her as I left the arrangements I was working on, prior to her appearance, down. I fixed a couple of urgent tasks for the employees to finish after lunch in case I came back late then I turned and left the shop with her at my tail.
To my surprise, she didn't waste a second after we had sat down. "I'm deeply sorry. To you and to your wife, her more than you to be honest"
"About?"
"How I treated her that day and what I had said to her"
"Which is"
She looked at me stunned. She studied my expressions before she realized "She hadn't told you?"
I shook my head before I breathed deeply in and spat a "No"
She frowned as she asked "What? Why?"
I shrugged "That's her. She doesn't like to make others worry." I intertwined both my hands together before I laid them on my lap "Your words did hurt her, to be honest. But she held on because she knew she had too many people that care and worry for her. People that she didn't want to worry."
"Great! that made me feel shittier than I already am!" she pushed her body back to collide with the backrest of the chair. She looked away in thought as she bit her lip like she always does when she feels the guilt eating her insides and the tears threatening her.
"Do you want to tell me?" I asked
"I was mean to her. You know how harsh I can be. But, I-... I didn't mean it, I had just lost my mind for a bit"
"I know, I don't blame you much for it. I understand"
Her eyes met mine again and this time the threatening of her tears stopped and they moved to action as they dropped on both sides.
"Maria" I called her name, concerned about the state she was in. I can see it for myself now. How I have damaged her... I must have been really toxic, for her to become this way "I'm sorry... For everything that I had done to you, I am sincerely sorry." She remained silent but the shock was evident on her face. It made me doubt my sanity; how she probably never expected an apology from me "Was I that bad?"
"What?"
"You look like you never expected a decent apology from me"
"i-" she snickered as she lifted her hand to her cheeks, wiping her tears away "Yeah, I never thought the day would come. You did say you were sorry many times but not with that- face..." she smiled before her chin quivered and let out honest heavy words from her lips "Honestly, I never thought you needed to apologize. I was the evil one in the relationship after all, and you did the right thing by calling it all off"
"Our start was good, no one can deny that. Everything was beautiful, we were happy together. We had a mutual understanding and were comfortable in each other's presence. It was perfect."
She smiled "It was"
"To the point where we took it for granted and acted as if it will always be that way, even if we don't work for it."
She whimpered as more tears made their way down. Her state hurt me as a man, for the fact that I, not only, couldn't make her happy, but had also broken her heart to pieces and created immense damage, and left her to battle and fix on her own. "I hurt you, I forgot to cherish you and I ruined you. I know a sorry will not fix what I had done, but I hope it soothes your heart and mind that; it's not solely your fault that it didn't work. I know for a fact that if I cared for you enough, took care of you, and- gave you the security that you needed you wouldn't have reacted like that. Everything you did was a reaction to my own negligence towards you and our relationship. The same way what you did to Jasmine was a reaction to the pain that we let grow inside of you because we didn't grant each other a healthy closure"
A breathy "I'm sorry" muffled with her hands that reached her face to cover the pain that resurfaced.
"I'm sorry, too... We weren't cut out for a relationship at that time, it was like giving a puzzle to a two-year-old, he will be excited to have it, curious and happy with it, but he won't know what to do and he might choke on it in the long run... That was us." I shed tears along with her. "I didn't know that I had to make a constant effort for it to work. I just thought that our love and understanding were enough. I just understood that love will control you and destroy you if you do not know how to keep it. The real effort is not the one made to make someone fall in love with you. A real effort is made to keep the love going... And it's because of my ignorance in this matter we had fallen apart" To others, it seemed like we were breaking up after a wonderful recent relationship. However, in reality, we were having the closure we needed. We were digging into the truth of our past, so we can move on, and fix the damage and the causes. We were learning from our mistakes in the hopes that we never repeat them again.
The conversation took some more time, more words, and more tears from both of us before we separated on lightweight hearts and clear minds.
After years of avoiding the matter, I can truly say that I am happy that Maria was my previous relationship, and I am happy that I met someone like her. I am happy about her past existence in my life, for her beautiful, untainted, pure nature that showed in her recent actions in her angry and broken state. Now that I think about it, she could have easily hurt Jasmine physically, she could have even created bigger harm to her so she can finally release her anger, but she didn't. Because she was never ill-natured, to begin with.
There were hurtful words exchanged between my past and my forever present, that's for sure, but they shall remain a mystery that I don't want to know anymore. Because whatever was said didn't affect Jazz badly as much as it drove her closer to me and it didn't and will not affect my feelings or behavior towards her, my heart remains the same and I believe that she knows that... That is probably why she didn't bother to tell me...
As long as I remember, I have always been waiting and searching for love. And when it came, I ruined it, as I had too many expectations but no will to work for it. So that pain of the previous failure left me fearful of love as a whole. Fearful of the loss of control and the fact that I might never be ready, because I am not cut out for it.
So when love came my way unexpectedly, I turned a blind eye and refused it. Refused to acknowledge it for many reasons. One of them is its controlling nature; the way we lose our senses to one person, and our hearts and minds are dedicated to one being and one being only. And when it is over, the damage is greater than the love we were once feeling in itself.
But what I have now, was meant to be, it was the love written for me in this universe, the love meant for my story. And I was pulled unwillingly... but also so willingly.
A strange encounter and a strange feeling. A wonder-like woman and a miracle-like unconditional love on her part. I was granted the most beautiful moments due to her appearance and existence in my story.
I love her... More than love, more than adoration. I feel more than just my body, I get to feel my soul when I see her and that can not be mere love, that is a stronger, purer feeling.
And I live for it.
Every fiber in my body needs it...
"Hey! Lovebird! You good?"
you are the best thing that happened to me and- "I am fine with being controlled if it is you, Jasmine.."
"Yeah, something's definitely wrong with your husband, Jasmine."
"You okay?" she got closer touching my forehead with her right palm and hers with her left one.
"He came panting and sweating, then stood in front of us in a daze, staring at you for five minutes after spending merely four hours away from you. Do you really need to ask?!"
"I am fine sweetheart" I ignored the extra and took jazz's hands away from my forehead and hers "Don't listen to Lilly, she's just jealous of us"
"Yeah, right!" she rolled her eyes before she spoke "Well, since you are here already, and judging by the tight hold you have on her hands in which it indicates that you have no intention to let go and let us be alone. Do you, perhaps, care to join us for dessert?"
Her annoyance made me grin before I turned to ask a serious-looking Jasmine "You had lunch?". She nodded in response. "Are you ready for dessert or do you want to eat something else before it?"
"I'm okay"
"Jasmine, can you get in and grab us a seat?" Lilly interrupted the small exchange we were having.
"wh-"
"Shush, I asked her not you" she threw me a glare before she turned to Jasmine with a smile on her face encouraging her to do what she was asked to. And she did with a slight nod to her sister; she left us two as she got into the ice cream shop.
"What was that about?" I inquired, not understanding Lilly's shift in behavior.
"Did you not notice her face?"
"She does look serious, that's why I'm trying to lighten her mood"
"She wasn't serious until you showed up."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"I didn't notice in the beginning but I found her mood swing to be very strange, so I took a second glance at you, and I came to notice that your eyes are puffy and a bit red. It's very obvious that you were crying. And from her angle and the five minutes you spent staring at her, there is no way she didn't notice."
I made sure to wash my face and get rid of the tear trails on my cheeks but I forgot to do something about my eyes. Goodness! I made a big mistake.
"You have some explaining to do." she turned around and started to walk towards the entrance "And a bill to pay! Since you ruined our sisters' outing!"
She took the seriousness out of the situation with her comment; pushing the laugh out of my lips before I glanced through the glass barrier between me and my worried wife sitting at a nearby table; studying my face.
"Guess I'm not the only one being controlled" but I am more than happy to be the only one to make the effort.
Let's start with the bill for now!