Your hand trembled as you leaned your forehead on your palm. Trying to steady your breathing as you threw your phone away, beside you onto the bed
You looked at yourself in your mirror. Understanding why armys were saying what they were saying
Someone who is unattractive. Someone who has dark circles and who is so skinny her bones are visible. Someone who is talentless. Someone who is in the vocal line when she doesn't deserve to
Someone who is in the rap line when she can't even rap.
Someone who is weak and couldn't even stand up against her parents. Someone who is so childish she gets afraid of darkness even after being an adult
Someone who is so low that she seeks attention all the time from the other members. Someone who could be a potential slut. Someone who is there in the group for no reason. Someone who doesn't have any talent other than seducing boys.
And that someone, according to most people, was you.
It was bearable until they had mentioned you as weak. Until they had started making fun of your childhood.
It had deeply hurt you. You knew you never stood up to your parents because of the fear they had set in your mind. But weak? You were anything but weak.
Imagine living in the regret of a lost childhood. All the things a normal child got which you didn't.
Then getting hate just for being the only girl in a group which was supposed to be a boy group.
Witnessing a incident which had left another trauma and fear. Then getting harrased and slipping into coma.
But in the end still standing up. Is that still known as weak? Wouldn't still smiling after all this be something only a strong person could do?
But who could you tell this to? Who was there to listen to your problems? Who had the time?
Even i wanted to enjoy childhood like everyone. Even i wanted to see what a normal family dinner was like. Even i wanted to know what a high-school dance was like. Even i some times wanted to be a brat to my parents just so they could give me attention
I used to envy the other kids so much. They would tell me how I had the perfect life.
having the full attention of your parents since you were a only child. Being the class topper with elegance and manners in each step. Being mature and independent at such a young age. What else would a child and their parents want? What they didn't know was that you had no life of your own whatsoever
Everything you did was for your parent's happiness. None of it was of your free will.
Who knew the impact that had on you? Who knew that even if they were trying to get you to be disciplined by being strict and hard, they were just creating a character with no self esteem of their own?
Who knew it? No one.
Smiling softly to yourself, you looked down at your hands in your lap.
I was never a help to anyone. All I am is a person who just sits there and adds burden. I couldn't even be the perfect daughter
You looked up at the ceiling. Not wanting your tears to spill from your brims
Negative thoughts and bad memories flowed in like a huge wave over your head
"There is no place in the world for weak kids who can't even hide their emotions" something your father quoted on a daily
You took a deep breathe, trying to calm and get a hold on yourself
It will be fine, it will all be worth it in the end
_____
'babe, why are you wearing such a big sweater when its like 40 degrees outside?', yoongi's voice boomed through the kitchen from behind you, startling you a bit, making you accidently touch the hot sauce pan
you hissed lowly and vigorously shook your hand to get rid of the feeling
'I'm not feeling that hot', you replied flatly, not even turning around to face him
yoongi shared a worried look with jin, who was also in the kitchen.
you heard shuffling from behind you
'stop', you said sharply. yoongi's hands ghosting around your waist as he was about to back hug you
you didn't want him to touch you and find out how rapidly you have been losing weight. he might... be disgusted.
'is there something wrong baby?', he said worriedly, retracting back his hands to give you space as you turned around
'there is absolutely nothing wrong, i don't get why everyone's been asking me the same question all week! its getting annoying!'
you sighed deeply to stop your raising voice
'there is nothing wrong, you should be looking after yourself. you look beaten after that photoshoot. sit down and have this', you said firmly, making him sit down on the dining table as you passed a bowl of steaming pasta
'why aren't you sitting down?', you asked jin
jin turned around and hastily sat down, opposite yoongi
'i know you haven't eaten all day. if this continues, I am going to have to talk to the manager to cut down your practice hours'
you served another bowl of pasta for jin
'eat up, you need energy to practice. if any of the other members come, tell them they are free to have the pasta kept there'
you started walking out of the kitchen
'aren't you going to have anything?', jin and yoongi ask in unison
you paused for a few seconds
'i had some while making it. i have to finish my schedule now, I'll see you at night', you said and walked out of the kitchen
jin and yoongi look at eachother, sharing a knowing look
something definitely was bothering you
__________
You fell on your bed, breathing rather heavily as you forced back your tears
It was getting so tiring with everything going on. It felt like you were getting overwhelmed by everything life was throwing at you
You were on the verge of breaking down
You felt your body ache, every muscle tense from running around constantly from morning without having a single meal
Your body felt weak, you didn't have any energy left but what could you do?
You wanted to cry, throw things around, take out your frustration any way possible. But you couldn't
You would be seen as more of a weak person. And you don't want that
So you stayed silent. Crying behind the closed doors and having no one to talk to
A few tears slid from your closed eyes at the thought of your pitiful life
Your eyes snapped open when you heard the doorknob twist
You slightly glanced back and saw jungkook, coming in looking battered from the dance practice
He threw his bag carelessly on his bed and turned towards you
'Yo, you ok?'
He asked looking at your motionless form
'Ya just tired', you replied, your back facing him
'Do you want to cuddle?', he asked softly, sitting on the foot of your bed. Hoping he could get you to relax and tell him what's wrong
The other members had told him something was bothering you and he also had noticed it himself
'No, I'm fine', you replied rather quickly
You felt him tenderly wrapping his hands around your waist
'Jungkook! I said no!', panic evident on your face as you shoved his hand off you and scooted away. Your voice hoarse
Jungkook was taken aback at your sudden outburst. Shocked was an understatement
'Y/n is something wrong? Jagiya please tell me if something's bothering you'
'P-Please just don't touch me.... just don't'
It hurt him seeing you so overwhelmed. It was so unlike you to get overworked, you always had everything planned and organized
But when you rejected his touch, that hurt him even more
Yoongi had told what had happened in the kitchen the other day and he was surprised you rejected their touch again
It hurt him seeing his baby struggling so much.
He didn't understand how to help you
Jungkook left without a word, closing the door behind him with hurt evident on his face
You broke down in tears getting frustrated on how you messed up... again
I am so sorry jungkookie, I love you so much and I am afraid you would all get disgusted seeing me like this. I can't live without your love, without your support.
It scares me thinking how would you react to seeing me in this horrible state. I am afraid you all won't love me anymore. I am so sorry for hurting you
_______________________