Years back, Christmas time wasn't my favourite. Mostly because while, yes, everything was pretty and magical, I was also alone and had nobody to celebrate it with. Christmas was always lonely for me and I felt loneliness then more than ever. Everyone had someone. When you walked on the streets, you'd see people shopping with huge smiles. Shopping for gifts for other people. Shopping for decorations.
I did none of that. I sat at home in my room and tried to act like it's just a normal day. Or a normal few days. Those were the hardest times and my thoughts drifted to dark ones very often.
There were a lot of times in my life where I felt suicidal. I dreamed of it, even. It would be so easy to end it all and get out of the pain I was constantly feeling. I had no one in my life and felt that no one would miss me, anyway.
But then, somehow, I always felt like I owed it to my parents to become someone. Someone good. It felt impossible back then and I was on the verge of giving up, but then I got the opportunity to get the hell out of that town and the country and I said to myself this would be one more thing I'd try to make things different for myself.
And it worked. God, did it work.
Alexander and I are on our way to shop for a Christmas tree. Our first one since we didn't put one up last year. We're not listening to christmas music on our way because Alexander would never be caught doing that. He has to maintain his bad boy image, of course.
I'm giddy with excitement. Everything is so pretty in London when it's Christmas time. You can feel the magic in the air when you walk around and you can see it in people. It's different than normally.
"You piece of fuck, how about you stay on your goddamn lane," Alexander curses, making my gaze shift from the streets outside to him.
I'm smiling and Alexander gives me a double look, catching the look on my face. "What's up with you?" he asks, his forehead creased.
Alexander, apparently, doesn't feel the Christmas spirit. He's his usually grumpy-self, experiencing road-rage. "Nothing. I'm just admiring how pretty everything looks. Look around yourself, I guarantee you'll get into a better mood."
Alexander grunts. "I have to be watchin' out for all these idiots that don't know how to fucking drive, apparently, Gabrielle." He lets out a long exhale and I can just see how frustrated he is.
I put my hand on his thigh, squeezing it a little to calm him down.
He lets out a long exhale through his nose. "Okay. I'm fine. I'm goo– oh, you bloody moron! Watch where the fuck you're going!" Alexander presses the honk, making my body jerk up in surprise.
"Uhm," I mumble, my eyes wide.
"Sorry," Alexander says, half-sincerely. "I just fucking hate this traffic."
Yeah, I noticed. As did everyone else. "Okay, but just calm down a little and enjoy how pretty everything looks around us."
Alexander's eyes run over to our surroundings and he says, "Yeah, the only thing I'm seeing are crowds of people everywhere."
I sigh hopelessly. I guess he's not feeling the Christmas spirit like I am.
When we manage to find somewhere to park (after Alexander almost got into a real fight with someone and after a lot of curse words from him), we walk to the Christmas fair, hand in hand.
I'm smiling the whole time and looking around in awe and Alexander is quietly walking beside me, still wearing a hard look, glaring at everyone passing by. I think the drive here really pissed him off.
"We could get a small one like this," Alexander nods at the small tree standing on the table.
I cock my head to the side. "We could put that one in the bedroom. I want a big one in the living room."
Alexander casts me a look. "We're not having two trees," he says.
I shrug. "It was your suggestion."
He shakes his head. "That wasn't really what I suggested."
I roll my lips into my mouth. He's so funny when he's irritated it's hard not to laugh at him. I don't want to, though, because I don't want to piss him off any further.
When we get to the trees in different sizes, we stop and both look at them. I purse my lips, trying to imagine which one would suit our living room the best. "Something like this could do," I say thoughtfully, stepping to the tree that's middle sized. It's not small, but it's not big either. It wouldn't come up to the roof, though, which is perfect because I don't want to go all out on it.
While I love Christmas and everything sparkly, I still like minimalism.
"Yeah, okay. Let's pay for it and let's go," Alexander says, grabbing the tree.
I raise my eyebrows at him. "We literally just got here."
He stops to look at me. "We came here to buy the tree. We're buying the tree and now we can go."
I actually let out a chuckle this time. "We still need ornaments. We have to decorate it, too."
He throws his head back. "Ah, fuck," he mutters.
I notice how a few women that go past us stop and look at Alexander and I make sure they see that I saw them. They don't care, obviously, because they just continue walking and giggling, most likely talking about him. I shake my head to myself. I literally can't go anywhere with him without women almost falling over when they see him. Most of them blatantly ignore me, pretending I'm not standing there, but they don't come over, though, which is a good thing. I appreciate that, at least.
I walk to a stand with the ornaments and Alexander silently follows. "Can we have pink balls?" I ask him over my shoulder, holding one big, soft pink ball with glitters on it.
"No way," Alexander says, sounding disgusted. "Black ones look cool, though," he says, looking at the fully black balls.
I grimace, but then spot black ones with gold glitters on them in a box and I go to it, picking it up to show Alexander. "Black and gold would look cool, right?" I ask him.
Alexander lifts one shoulder in a nonchalant shrug. "I guess," he says, raking a hand through his hair. We pay for the balls and I pick some lights to go with it.
Alexander carries the tree and I carry the ornaments, looking around with a goofy smile. Everything is so pretty, I'd literally buy it all if I could. It also smells so good from all the food and candy. It's just so ... Christmassy.
I haven't had the chance to slow down and appreciate all the magic happening around me because I had a lot going on with university and it just took all of my energy. Besides, after the current events, I couldn't celebrate and feel joy when it was still hanging over our heads.
But it's over now. Ryder was found guilty and he's in prison. Rosalyn made sure that he's going to stay there for a while. And now I have finally time to relax and just enjoy things happening. Life is too short to not be excited about it every day, anyway.
I even made amends with Sebastian and June. We talked about it, all of us, and it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought it was, I just misunderstood things a little. I'm happy for them both, though. They make a cute pair.
As Alexander and I walk side by side, I notice a train, the kind you put on the floor and it's driving around then. I gasp and stop, looking at it in fascination. Alexander stops, too, looking at what caught my attention. "Oh, absolutely not," he says, shaking his head and keeps walking.
I pout a little and walk after him, but I have to say that his grumpiness is entertaining to see.
˙˙˙
We had a lot of trouble with putting the tree in the car. I was giggling the whole time at Alexander's irritated face and his curse words. But we managed and we're now back on the road. Alexander is a little calmer now, not reacting to other people's mistakes on the road as much, but I can still see him clenching his jaw when someone does something they shouldn't.
Sam calls him when we're about halfway from home and the music cuts off in the car. "Yeah?" Alexander says after pressing the button for the hands-free call and Sam's voice is heard from the speakers.
"Where's your girl?" Sam asks.
"Sittin' right next to me. What do you want her for?"
"Not your business. Let me talk to her."
"You are talking to her. We're in the car."
There's a pause on Sam's side. "Well, what's wrong with her damn phone, then?"
I frown, taking the phone out from the back pocket. Ah. It's dead. "It needs to be charged, apparently," I answer.
"Can you come over?"
"No, we can't. You can come to our place, though," Alexander answers instead of me.
I turn my head to look at him, but he purposely doesn't look in my direction. "I didn't ask you," Sam says.
"I still answered," Alexander says, obviously just wanting to mess with her.
I roll my eyes. "Sam, come to our place. We'll be home in around twenty minutes."
"Where are you?"
"None of–"
I cut Alex off. "I went shopping with a five-year-old child for a Christmas tree and he's been throwing a tantrum since we got there. Ignore him."
Alexander shoots me a look and I show him my tongue. "Alright. I'm hanging up now. Come or don't, it's whatever. Bye, Sam."
"Bye!" I call out happily.
"A five-year-old huh?" Alexander asks.
"Yup!" I say.
"I'll remember that," he says threateningly.
"Do that," I agree with a nod, still grinning.
Alexander just shakes his head, sighing and I chuckle.
When we get home, I help him take the tree upstairs to our flat and then we have to make another trip for the ornaments and take everything upstairs. It's already getting dark outside; the beauty of winter and short days showing fully.
When we come upstairs, we see the tree laying on the floor. "What the fuck?" Alexander says.
And then we see her. Lady MacBeth playing on the tree, grinding her claws on it. "Oh, no," I say.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Alexander asks.
We both look at each other. I guess we kind of forgot that we have a cat now. We both chuckle. "I guess we'll have to put that tree up on the ceiling now," he says.
I tilt my head back, looking up. "Yeah," I agree, not even joking.
Alexander lets out a long groan. I think that, in that moment, he realises he's the one who'll have to do that.
I tilt my head to the right, resting it against his arm and he wraps it around me, pulling me against his side automatically. "This is going to be our first real Christmas on our own, do you know that?"
"Yeah," he says a little gruffly. "Well, shit. Now I'm excited for it, too," he says.
I tilt my head back, looking up at him with a huge grin and he looks down, grinning, too. He puts our noses close together, murmuring, "So fuckin' crazy about you, it's insane."
I close the distance between us and kiss him. "Me too," I say back.
The bell and the knocking on the door pulls us from the trance. "Hello?" Sam calls from the outside.
Alexander goes to open the door. Sam marches in, carrying a paper bag. When she notices the tree laying on the floor, she arches her eyebrow. I shrug. "Cat," I say.
"Huh," she says. "Got us goodies." She lifts the paper bag up, shaking it for me to see. She puts it down on the table, taking it out. It's vodka. I should've known.
"I don't think you should actually drink that," I say, looking at Alex with questions in my gaze. What's going on?
"Oh, shit," Sam mutters, sitting down on the couch. "You're right." She places her hands over the stomach.
I sit down next to her, carefully. "Is something wrong?"
She swings her gaze in my direction. "I talked to Snake."
Uh-oh. And from her state, I take it it didn't go well. "And?"
"And nothing. We've had a long talk and we're going to figure this shit out together."
"Are you back together?"
Sam shakes her head. "We're more like ... friends," she says with a grimace. "He ... well, it's complicated. He's actually excited about the child, though. He was surprised at first, but then said he'll stick around for the kid and he doesn't even care if it's his or not."
"Oh," I say. "That's ... nice."
Sam shrugs. "Yeah, kind of. Things are still a little complicated between us, but what can I do? We made a mess and we're now just trying to get out of it as best as we can. That's it."
I nod, placing my head on her thigh. "I'm sorry. I believe things will go into the right direction."
She puts her feet on the table. "Eh, I'll just be a super cool single mother. Parents are stoked for it, though. They were surprised, but they're totally here for this shit. Never thought I'd ever want to have a kid, though."
I smile. "See? That's good news. I told you we'll all support you, no matter what."
Alexander sits down next to her on the other side, too, putting his head on his hands.
"You'll help me pick out names for him or her, right? It has to be something cool, though."
I grin. You can just feel the excitement radiating from her. I'm happy for her because she's finding herself. I know that she and Snake have been an item for a long time and I think that maybe she just needs to figure out who she is without him first and what she wants from her life and from the relationship with him because you were never sure with her. She wasn't completely into it and I know that must've frustrated Snake who was all about her and her only.
"Of course we will," I say giddily. I shoot Alexander a look and see he's smiling, too. He's happy. Not only for her, but he's happy in general and it's pretty obvious. And that makes me happy.
He winks at me.
And there they are. The butterflies. Every time he looks at me, still after all this time and I have a feeling they'll never completely go away.
And I'm completely okay with that.
˙˙˙
"Alexander isn't a bad person. He just dealt with trauma in the way he thought was easier for him and would make him forget and heal faster, which resulted in an unhealthy coping mechanism and him not really healing properly, just making sure he forgot about it and practically escaped the pain. But he has changed a lot. He still has a long way to go, of course, but he's on the right way.
"And as for you two, as a couple, I don't have a recipe for a happy life or even the right recipe for a relationship. Alexander, for a young man, has it pretty together, especially when it comes to you. He talks about you a lot and it's obvious he's very much in love; so much, in fact, it's rare to see in these times. He talked about you and your past, too, and in a way that made it obvious he learned your past to understand you and to try and not be someone who'll hurt you like they did.
"Relationship with him might not always be a walk in the park, but he's a work in progress and we're not going to give up on him. That's all I can say."
I nod. "Thank you," I say to Alexander's therapist.
"You're most welcome, Gabrielle. It's easy to see why he's trying so hard for you, though, so don't feel bad about that. You're changing him for the better and he wants to be a changed man. For you."
*
IT'S A WRAAAAAAP!
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