He ran. Past the frosty windows of stores about to close, past the parked cars gently covered with thin blankets of snow, past the almost isolated streets with scattered people returning to the warmth of their homes, Kageyama ran. His head was heavy with thoughts and emotions and he tried to lose them all, hoping they will be swept away by the freezing gusts of wind that blew at him in quick intervals.
His heart hurt. He refused to acknowledge it, knowing that if he did, he wouldn't make it. Though the tears had stopped, his face was still hot. Their dried course left a distinguishable stain against his pale face.
Kageyama finally slowed down as he approached the two streetlights in front of the school gates. He climbed over the short wall and walked inside, his steps now slow and breaths deep, tired from the run. Clutching the keys in his hand, he stealthily navigated his way towards the clubroom, adjusting his eyes to the lack of light inside the premises.
He entered the clubroom and shutting the door softly behind him, he sat down with his back against it. Then hugging his knees to his chest, he finally let it go. The water flowed freely from his eyes as he sobbed into his arms, trying his best to suffocate his voice. Even now, he couldn't cry his heart out. He wasn't supposed to be there. But he had nowhere else to go. The wind howled outside as he sat in the darkness.
Tobio stayed like that for about an hour. Then pulling out his phone, he dialed a number and put it against his ear. It rang a couple of times before the person on the other end picked up.
"Tobio?"
"Miwa nee-san..."
"Yeah, what's up?"
"I... Need you to come back." He covered his mouth before a sob could make it out.
"What?"
"Come back."
Miwa noticed the strain in her brother's voice. "What's wrong? It's almost 9 p.m. Aren't you at the camp?"
"No".
"What do you mean?"
"Please, I need you to pick me up." He cried into the receiver, his emotions taking over again.
"I don't understand, you are supposed to be at your training camp, right? Did something happen?"
"I'm not there!" His voice was louder this time.
"Tobio, what's wrong? Are you crying?" Miwa's concerned voice came from the other end.
"Please, nee-san, I just need you to come pick me up."
There was a slight pause. "Where are you?"
"In the school club room."
"I'm coming. Wait for me."
Kageyama nodded, then realised she couldn't see him. He whispered a small "Hmm" and cut the call.
...
It had been two days since that night. Miwa drove back to Miyagi for two hours to pick him up. He wanted to go to Tokyo the next day but the roads were blocked due to snow so they had to stay at home. His sister pressed him about what had happened that night but he couldn't tell her. He felt bad for her having to cut her vacation short so he told her that he twisted his ankle and didn't have anywhere to stay since she had the keys. She asked him where he was for a week but left it alone after she realised he wouldn't talk about it.
Tobio walked out of the store, looking into the bag to make sure he got everything. He wanted to hurry back before it started raining. The sky suddenly roared as lightning flashed, making him flinch. He looked up at the dark grey clouds as he made his way back to his sister's car.
Kageyama blinked and looked down from the sky as a tiny drop of water fell on his face and immediately froze. His eyes widened as he stared at the person in front of him.
Why you? Why now?
Oikawa turned towards him and stared back. Tiny needle-like drops of rain made their way down, spreading across the wide road. Tobio stood there, motionless. The feelings he had spent two days trying to push away into a corner instantly overwhelmed him.
Why after all this do I still...? I miss you. I miss being in your arms. I want you to hold me. I want to feel your kiss against my lips. It hurts to see you. I hate you. I hate you so much and yet... I love you.
The rain beat down heavily, immediately drenching them. The sudden cold sensation sent a chill through his body. Through his bleary vision, he saw Tooru about to say something, then close his mouth, shifting his eyes away from Tobio's. Kageyama silently begged for him to say something. He wanted to hear his voice, he wanted to hear him call out his name just once.
Silence. Oikawa stared at the person in front of him with blurry eyes as hot tears threatened to spill out. Waves of emotions hit him violently and drowned out his senses, making him numb to the cold water seeping through his clothes.
He wanted to say something, he wanted to call out Tobio's name. He wanted to reach out and grab him. He wanted the feeling of his body in his arms again. The thoughts raced in his mind as the words refused to come out.
I can't say it... Yet again, I can't say it. I don't want to see the look in your eyes. I'm scared. It hurts. It hurts so much. I want to hug you. I want to kiss you. I want to keep holding you. I don't want to let you go.
"Tobio! What's taking so long?" Miwa's voice came from behind, breaking Kageyama out of the trance.
He turned back to see his sister poking her head out of the window, shielding her face with her hand.
"Get in already, you're drenched!"
Kageyama nodded slowly. He turned back to Oikawa to see him turn away and a sudden unbearable pain hit him in full force. His lips trembled as the tears came gushing out, blending in with the raindrops on his face. He held his arm out slowly, reaching out for Tooru.
Don't leave. Don't leave. Please don't leave!
He couldn't say it. He watched quietly as the figure got farther and farther away, out of his reach and finally disappeared out of his sight, leaving him soaking in the rain.
...
The ticking of the clock echoed in the room. Tooru put his hands over his ears, burying his face deeper into the pillow. The scent of strawberry shampoo still lingered feebly on the cover, now wet from his tears. The wind outside seemed to sympathize with him as it accompanied his loud sobs with a sharp howling of its own. It let him know its presence by tapping on the glass doors, as if trying to tell him it's there for him.
Tooru raised his head up, rubbing his nose on his sleeve. The fresh tears on his warm stained face glistened in the pale moonlight. They wouldn't stop coming out. No matter how hard he tried to keep himself together, even the faintest memory of Tobio sent them racing to the outside. He was angry; angry at himself for loving him, angry at himself for not being able to say anything, angry at himself for being scared.
He couldn't keep it inside any longer, he had to tell someone, anyone. Grabbing his phone, he dialed the number, hoping he was still awake. The person picked up the call after the first ring.
"Oi, Trashykawa. What is it?" Iwaizumi's voice came from the other end.
"Iwa..." Tooru covered his mouth as an unwilling sob made its way out.
Silence.
"What did you say?" Iwaizumi said slowly, worried at the missing "chan" at the end.
"Iwa, I can't take it anymore!" Oikawa cried into the phone and broke down, unable to control himself.
"Oi Oikawa, what's wrong? Oikawa? Answer me!" A panicked voice came through the device.
"I messed it all up. I messed everything up. He hates me!"
"What happened? Why are you crying?" Iwaizumi asked, trying to make out what his friend said in between his sobs.
"I love him so much. It hurts Iwa, it hurts too much!" Tooru put his arm over his eyes, trying to stop the tears irking his skin.
There was a silence from the other end as he took deep breaths to compose himself.
"Oi, Tooru... What's wrong?" Iwaizumi's voice was softer now though still coated with worry.
"I couldn't tell him. I was so scared. I messed everything up." Tooru bit his trembling lip to keep himself from breaking down again.
"Who's he?"
Silence.
"Tooru, who are you talking about?" Iwaizumi asked again, confused.
"Tobio." The whisper was almost inaudible.
Oikawa heard the shuffling of feet and the sound of a door closing before Iwaizumi spoke.
"Tobio? Kageyama? Our Kageyama?"
"Hmm" Tooru made out as he stifled a whimper.
"Tooru, what are you talking about? What happened?"
Iwaizumi waited for a reply that never came. All he could hear were short shallow breaths. He talked again, giving his friend time to calm himself.
"You know you can tell me, right? I'm not hanging up till you explain."
Oikawa shoved his face harder into the pillow, sniffling. He didn't know where to start. All he knew was that he needed to get it off, he needed to get all of it off his chest. His words were a jumbled mess as he tried his best to relay what had happened without breaking down again.
There was a brief silence between them as Iwaizumi took in what he had said.
"Why didn't you tell me he was staying with you?"
Silence.
"You think he hates you?"
"He said he despises me, Iwa." Tooru cried into the phone as Tobio's words rang clear in his mind.
"People say things when they are hurt, even if they don't mean it."
"He meant it!"
"How do you know that?"
"I... I just do."
"Tooru. Don't you think he deserves an explanation?"
"I can't. I can't tell him."
"Why not? Because you're scared of how he'll react?"
Silence. Iwaizumi continued.
"Do you realise what you just told me? You said you love him. If you really do love him and care about him, you owe it to him to explain why you hurt him. Even if you didn't mean to."
"I can't, because I don't know! I don't know why I did that! I told him that because it was the truth and he..." Oikawa trailed off, collapsing into tears again. "He still left."
Iwaizumi sighed. "Tooru. What were you thinking about when you decided not to tell him about the message?"
"I keep telling you I don't know! Why won't you believe me?" Oikawa shouted.
"Because you keep lying to yourself, you idiot!" Iwaizumi shouted back. "You expect Kageyama to believe you when you can't believe yourself?"
Oikawa lay there with the wet screen of the phone pressed against his face.
"Iwa, what am I going to do?" He mumbled as his eyelids grew heavier. He was tired and his head hurt from crying.
"If you don't want to lose him, then come and get him. He deserves to know." Iwaizumi paused. "Tooru. Regret is a painful thing."
Tooru closed his eyes, losing his grip on the phone. The words barely made it to him before he lost himself in peaceful slumber. The wind pitied him and retreated in kindness, the whistles fading away slowly into the night.
_________
Header art by 인 @ui536 on Twitter