"It's not that you don't want
To believe me,
It's that you don't want to
Believe me."
Trigger Warning: mentions of eating disorder.
4 Years ago..
TIRED. EXHAUSTED. AND NEAR DEATH.
These were the words Astrid would use to describe her current situation.
The angency had punished her for failing her mission. Her hands moved to put the pressure on her wound situated right above her abdominal area.
Crimson was oozing from her wound, and pain spreading across her body like a forest caught on fire.
Her body burnt. At this point, she couldn't even tell if it was there or not. From the past 4 years of hell, she has lived in she had gotten used to pain.
Because that's the deal with pain. It demands to be felt.
The angency was a Russian government association that sends out assassins to Eliminate a threat. And the assassins are punished if they fail.
They might be legal, but torturing teenagers is just horrendous. Each and every child is brain washed and made into killing machines, that are used to protect their country.
And the only way out of The agency? Death.
The gash on Astrid's abdominal area was only the part one of her punishment. The second part was yet to come.
The guards pushed her into another cell. A new one, that Astrid had yet to see.
Oh, how she wished she could escape this sick organization.
She was dreading this part. The 14 year old knew, it wasn't going to end well for her. The second part was always done in a sick way, that snatches away your sanity.
Agent 1107. That was Astrid's name.
The cell was unlike any other. The other cells were plain brick, with a mattress and a single light illuminating the cell.
While this-
This was different. It was plain white, with an air conditioner, an intercom and a watch glass, from where a person could keep a look on the entire room.
The guards tied her down to the metal chair, with metal chains and locked it with a sound of 'click'.
She knew the drill. Something horrible was going to happen and they would try to break her down.
But, she wouldn't. She still had Aria.
Aria was what had kept her grounded, even when she felt like giving up. They were the reason for each other to stay sane. Their bond was unlike any other even with the age gap of 4 years.
Maybe Astrid was mature for a 14 year old or perhaps Aria was childish for an 18 year old.
The guards pushed Aria into the same cell as Astrid, making her fall on her side, and mutter incoherent words to herself.
The guards stood her up by grabbing her hands while he entered the cell with a sinister smirk on his face and mischief in his eyes.
The man was fucking sick.
"If it isn't Agent 1107, playing fucking hero again." He exclaimed while having a shit eating grin on his face.
He took out a bloody knife and twirled the knife in his hands. Astrid watched in horror as Aria had tears streaming down her face.
Aria was a kind soul and she had very kind heart. She couldn't even think of hurting a fly.
"Please don't do this... Please—" Astrid muttered trying to convince herself that he wasn't actually going to do anything. Astrid's heart was breaking into little pieces watching her sister cry.
"Tsk. Tsk. Agent, you should've thought that before failing me. Failing your country." He tuted as he stabbed Aria once in her ribs, while maintaining a smirk on his face.
He proceeded to grab Astrid's jaw, harshly forcing her to look at his pitch black eyes.
"It's your fault, she is going to die." His smirk now turning into a sick, full blown grin.
No..
No, it's not Astrid's fault..
It can't be...
...right?
He stabbed Aria again, the blood flowing freely down her ribs as tears formed in Astrid's eyes.
It was her fault, Aria's fighting for her life. If only, she had killed him.
But she couldn't. How could she? He was just a kid. He still had to see the world. She couldn't do it.
She's not that fucking low.
He was just a kid.
The guards let go of Aria as she fell to the ground, unable to hold herself anymore, as she softly smiled at Astrid, letting her know that it will be fine.
But no. Astrid wasn't going to believe her. Not this time.
"Free the agent. Let her see how it's her fault." He ordered the guards as they nodded, and gave both the girls sympathetic looks.
Every one from the agent hated him. His intentions might be right, but his methods were sick.
As soon as the guards clicked open the chains binding Astrid, she quickly ran over to her sister as Astrid picked her head up and placed Aria's head on her lap.
Aria used the last bit of her energy to place her hand on Astrid's cheek as she said,"I don't wanna die like this, Astrid. It hurts, make it stop Ash."
"I would've taken every bit of your pain, if I could, Ari." Astrid said as both the girls sobbed, in each other's comfort.
"A-Astrid, give these to them." Aria said as she pointed to her necklace and rings.
"Don't leave me Ari. P-please I c-can't do t-this w-without you." Astrid mumbled as another sob left her lips.
"It's my fault, Ari. It's all my fucking fault. I-" Astrid continued to ramble but Aria put her hand over Astrid's mouth to stop her.
"I-It isn't y-your fault." Aria comforted her with tears still streaming down her face.
Not her fault. Not her fucking fault? It was her fault. Aria is dying because of her fucking mistake.
Astrid wanted to call for help. But who would help her? The only person who could is out of the country, with no means of contacting.
"Don't close your eyes, please. Keep them open f-for me, yeah?" Astrid said as she abruptly tried to stop her tears, while looking for something-
-anything to stop the bleeding. At this moment, she completely forgot that she had a wound too. That she needed to clean her wound too.
Astrid was just about to find something else but Aria grabbed her hand, preventing her from doing whatever she was.
"I'm dying. T-there's nothing y-you c-can do anymore. J-Just hold m-me, please." Aria begged her sister as she was holding onto her last breathe.
But, Astrid was not going to give up. She needed her sister, she needed her to keep her grounded. To knock sense into her dumbass from doing stupid shit just because she can.
But, she couldn't. It was her last wish.
"Don't leave me, p-please, A-Ari." Astrid begged as she watched the light slowly leave her sister's once vibrant eyes.
"I'll be h-here, Ash. Always." Aria said her last words while pointing towards Astrid's heart, as she fell unconscious.
The stars had finally gotten back their angel. The angel that they sent down for Astrid's broken soul.
Aria was that day, reunited with her parents and her soul was turned into stardust.
~
"I," Astrid breathed, once. Twice, "I am Astrid Knight and I have an eating disorder."
Alessandro involuntarily came out of shadows. His heart beating too quickly. He couldn't breathe hard enough, fast enough.
He clenched his fists in realization. This was not just any building...
It was a rehabilitation center.
And these girls were not friends, they were partners. They got to know each other because they were all messed up- they understood each other at a deeper level.
Breathe in...
Eating disorder. Eating disorder. Eating disorder. Astrid had an eating disorder.
Breathe out...
It isn't that bad. She is fine. She is alive. She is safe.
Breathe in...
She didn't want him to know, he understood. She didn't want to any of them to know.
Breathe out...
Alessandro almost fell to his knees. Almost.
He drowned out whatever was going on around him. His face still as a statue and yet... and yet those words... those haunted words echoed in his head.
I am Astrid Knight and I have an eating disorder.
"And... when was the last time you ate, Ash?" The dark haired man- Sandro remembered him to Jonathan.
Jonathan was a simple man. Late thirties, and that warm vibe around him that made anyone trust him almost immediately. His downturned almond eyes glowed with kindness- something Sandro had believed to be long wiped off this planet- while he Astrid an encouraging nod. The man was not pushing Astrid to tell him- but rather...
...Rather Sandro felt that Astrid herself wanted to open herself. And maybe, maybe a tiny part of him begrudgingly desired to be Jonathan.
But he kept quiet.
"Morning..." Astrid shrugged, still holding both the girls' hands.
"Today morning?" Jonathan asked. It wouldn't be the first time Astrid would have played him saying that. Just answering as morning not yesterday morning.
Astrid nodded.
And so it continued. How the girls felt about their bodies, what they should do if they felt ashamed, that their bodies are beautiful- no matter what others said.
The first part was always introducing themselves and then accepting that they have an eating disorder.
The first step of recovery was always accepting.
And Jonathan always started there.
Maybe it was because she was stubborn and kept refusing the matter until it reached the hospital or maybe it was because the other girls were way better at this than Astrid but-
"How were your time away from here, Ash?" Jonathan asked. Astrid's been here since the past two years, and now she had grown enough to only come here once in three months.
Astrid sighed- oh, you know... just living with one of the biggest crime families to ever exist. No biggie, though.
Obviously she didn't say that.
"Intense," She said at last. Not the choice of words Sandro had hoped but... at least it wasn't negative.
"Explain,"
"They're..." She breathed, "...different from the people I usually meet. Or know."
"A good different?"
"I don't know," She sighed, trying to move her hand, which was in a tight grip of the girls, "I mean I‐I haven't decided."
"And what are you hoping for them to be?"
"I'm leaning towards the good different," Ash uncoiled her shoulders, "But I'm not really lucky in these things."
"That's good," Jonathan said. He was definitely going to add that in his report later, "You're becoming more optimistic."
Astrid wanted to scoff at that.
"Sure," She muttered, barely audible.
"Alright girls, time's up." He said, tilting his watch to note the hour he'd been with the girls, "Free to call me if feel the things going south."
Astrid quickly stepped out the door, her brother a few steps ahead of her. Walking in a tensed manner.
"Out with it," She grumbled.
"Were you going to tell us about... this?" Sandro asked, clicking his tongue. Stay calm.
"I was hoping you won't hear that," Astrid said, picking at her nails.
"When did you get diagnosed?" He asked.
"Almost two years..." She trailed off, hoping he wouldn't ask more, "Give or take."
"How bad was it?"
"Bad enough to land me into a rehab," Astrid tried to shut down the memories which were wanting to flow in through her, "I just... felt like the only thing I had control of, you know? Everything was a just a repeat of eat and sleep. I guess that's where I slipped."
"Like your entire life was just going on a loop," Astrid nodded at her brother's words, "You'll be fine."
Astrid didn't know who he said that too.
—E D I T E D—