Through my closed eyes I could feel a burning sensation, and slowly they parted open, and I awoke to the blaze of the morning sun shining down upon me. I glanced around, for a moment confused as to where I was. Then I saw Jc, still wrapped up in my arms, and I sighed, gently placing my head back down against the rock beneath me. That whole night was real. It wasn’t some very vivid dream that’d haunt me in the day time, but rather a memory I’d wish I could relive over and over again. I tried to sit up without waking Jc, but he groaned and sat up, his curly hair matted where he had been laying against me.
“Oh shit we fell asleep?” I laughed, his voice groggy. I felt my chest flutter. I had never heard his morning voice. At least not from when he first got up in the morning, it was always when he came down for breakfast or when he’d come in to wake me up. This moment felt special. It felt real.
I chuckled, “Yeah.” I cracked my back, the sudden realization that I’d slept the whole night against a gagged rock suddenly apparent as a pain shot through my body. Jc groaned as well and I figured he was experiencing the same misfortune.
“Remind me to not sleep on rocks again,” He stretched.
“I wouldn’t mind doing it again,” I said softly. As long as I’m with you, I decided to keep the last part in my head. He glanced over at me and smiled, standing up.
“Let’s get home. I’m sure JJ is confused as to where we are. Also, he wants to have a party tonight so let’s go buy some booze,” He offered me a hand and I stood. As we began to walk off I glanced back at the spot where we laid. I tried to memorize it, etch it in my mind so I’d never forget it. It was special to me now. I stopped, and whipped out my phone, taking a quick picture of it. “You coming?” Jc called. I turned and found him waiting, his eyes sleepy and his hair messy. I bit back a smile, feeling myself falling for him even more.
“Yeah I’m coming,” I called back, slipping my phone in my pocket and shuffling back over to him.
Later in the day JJ, Dom and I helped put out the food and decorations for the party and it felt really nice to be somewhat myself again. I felt like this party would be different than the last.
I was in my room when Jc entered, waltzing up to me with a slight swagger. He looked good, really good, and I had to avert my eyes from the glow he was giving off. “Well aren’t you something,” I chuckled and he wrapped his arm around my waist.
“You know it duuuuude,” He laughed, shaking me along with his shoulders.
I looked him up and down and felt my cheeks getting warm. I almost kissed him. I almost kissed Jc. We laid under the stars together. Just the thought gave me butterflies. “Who are you dressing up for?” I asked.
Jc just raised his eyebrows in amusement, ignoring my question. “Ohhh okay, I see how it is,” I laughed, though part of me wondered if he was actually dressing up for someone. “You know, you could just come out and say me, I won’t find it weird.”
“Ha ha,” He laughed sarcastically, punching my arm as he walked away. I watched him walk away, a small smile growing on my face.
By 10 pm, the house was packed and I found myself dancing with Dom and JJ, with a few girls around them. Some girls tried to come and dance with me, but it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want Jc to see us and get the wrong idea, though I wasn’t even sure if both of us were on the same page. Instead, I just stuck to dancing with my best friends, though Jc was nowhere in sight.
“Have you seen Jc?” I yelled over the ground shaking music. Both Dom and JJ shook their heads and I frowned slightly, scanning the crowd in hopes to catch a glimpse of his curly brown hair. I didn’t seem him at all. Shrugging, I gave up, though every few minutes I’d do another scan, thinking maybe he’d finally entered the room. Once midnight rolled around, I decided to go look for him.
I searched each room on the first floor but still nothing. “Did he leave?” I whispered to myself. I turned the corner to enter the foyer just as the front door opened. In stepped Lia, Jc’s ex-girlfriend. I stopped in my tracks.
“Oh hey,” I spit out, completely surprised that she was here.
She looked at me and smiled politely, “Hey Kian.” I stood there for a moment, looking at her, thinking of reasons as to why she’d be here. “Have you seen Jc?”
“Uh, no… why?” I asked, anger building up inside of me. Jc said they were broken up. Why was she here and why was she looking for him?? I took deep breathes and tried to calm myself, knowing that our almost-kiss and starry night were no justifications to think that Jc and I were together. But they had to mean something. They just had to.
“Oh okay, I’ll just go look for him,” Lia smiled and sauntered off, leaving me dead in my tracks, confused. Were they back together? I thought but decided they weren’t, because Jc would have told me. Wouldn’t he?
Dom came up beside me, the music muffled in the distance, “whoa dude, why is Lia here?”
I shrugged, “I mean, it’s just a party. Anyone could show up.”
“Yeah, but this is a party at Jc’s house, not just any house,” He said, implying my worst fear. I shrugged again, trying to think of other reasons as to why she’d come. “Are they back together?”
“NO.” I said quickly, and Dom looked at me. I was breathing quickly, my fists clenched. I sighed heavily, “I uh, I don’t think so is what I meant.”
“Hmm, he hasn’t really talked about her at all so who knows,” Dom shrugged and then disappeared into the crowd of people, leaving me to my wondering thoughts.
I had to find Jc quickly and have him disprove my growing fears. I rushed into the crowd, pushing through to find him. I shoved passed a group of girls and that’s when I saw him. They were in the middle of the crowd, swaying to the beat of the music, their faces close together to talk over the volume of the music. My heart shattered. I felt like I could literally hear every piece of it breaking. It was just like the other party weeks ago. Nothing had changed at all.
I felt incredibly stupid and naïve to think Jc and I were anything. That almost-kiss meant nothing. The night under the stars meant nothing. Nothing to him at least. I grabbed the nearest girl and began dancing with her. I didn’t care what Jc thought now, because clearly he didn’t give a rat’s ass if I had feelings for him or not. The girl told me her name but I could barely make it out over the music, and I didn’t care enough to ask what it was again. She began to grind on me and I took the bottle of beer out of Dom’s hand and chugged it. “Go Kian!” He laughed as I finished off the bottle. “I’ll go get you another, brother.”
The girl, whose name I had forgotten, and I began to grind more intensely and I felt my hormones acting up. Maybe it was the slight intoxication or my longing for Jc’s lips, but I turned her around and kissed her. It wasn’t a passionate kiss of true love. More like a sloppy and wet kiss of lust and alcohol. It didn’t feel good or right but I did it anyways, ‘cause why the hell not? I was giving up on Jc. Whatever I thought we had was slipping away and I felt myself feeling lost again, pulling on my running shoes to go chase down that new Kian Lawley I was thinking of.
I placed my hand on the girls butt and gave it a few squeezes just as someone shoved passed me. I pulled away from her and looked up. Pushing through the crowd I saw a head of curly hair run off upstairs. I looked back at Lia and she stood there, alone, looking baffled. She scoffed and turned away, shrugging her shoulders at her friends who stood, amusement and curiosity on their faces. I walked away from my random make out buddy and up to Lia.
“Hey what happened there?” I asked, looking to see if Jc had come back downstairs. He hadn’t.
She shrugged, “I don’t know. He saw you and that girl kissing and just kinda stormed off.” My mind went blank. “Does he like her or something?”
I looked back at the girl, racking my brain to see if I’d ever met her before. I had never seen her before, nonetheless with Jc. I shrugged. “I don’t know. I’ve never seen her before.”
“Well, something got him pretty riled up,” She said, turning away from me and back to her friends.
I went up the stairs and knocked on Jc’s door. No one answered. “Hey, It’s Kian,” I said awkwardly. I felt like I was talking to a brick wall. Or a door… literally. I knocked again and looked down to see the door was slightly open. I shrugged and opened it up. Jc was sat on his bed, facing away from the door.
“Are you okay, Jc?” I asked, walking over to him. He didn’t looked up. “Uh, hey look, if you like that girl I’m sorry, I had no idea.”
He didn’t say anything so I cleared my throat. “I don’t like her or anything like that, I don’t even know her name honestly so like-,” Jc cut me off by standing up and facing me.
“So you can go and kiss random girls but I can’t?” He spat out, his breathing quick and heavy.
“What?” I took a step back, confused. “No, I didn’t even know who she was, if you like her Jc you can have her!”
“What? Who?” He himself looked confused, his hands in tightened balls.
“The girl? The one I was kissing?” I said, my eyebrows lowered in puzzlement. What was he on about?
“I don’t care about her!” He screamed. “I’m angry because you get to be mad at me when I only talked to girls, but don’t expect me to get mad when you make out with one!”
“What?!?! I was only mad because I lik-,” I caught myself just in time. Feeling myself shake with growing anger, I took deep breathes. I had no idea why he was getting so mad about this if he didn’t even like her. “Look! Make out with whoever you want to, I’m not stopping you!” I felt myself regret saying that, because I did care who he kissed. But I knew I had to move on, so seeing him kissing someone else would definitely help that.
“I DON’T WANT TO KISS JUST ANYONE!” He screeched, his eyes watering. I stood, puzzled, waiting for some form of explanation.
“Uh… do you want to kiss Lia… then? Because she’s still downstairs I’m su-,” He cut me off again by shaking his head.
“No,” he whispered.
“Okay, look I’m sorry I guess, thought I don’t really know why you’re m-,” suddenly, Jc lunged forward, grabbing my neck and jaw and pulling my face downward, lowering me to his height. He pressed his lips against mine and kissed me. He held his lips to mine for several seconds before pulling away, his forehead pressed against mine. Our eyes met and in his danced fear and worry. I placed my hand on his cheek and slowly closed my eyes, leaning forward until our lips met again.
We were making out. It didn’t feel wrong like me kissing that girl. It was intense but passionate. Our hands dug into each other, trying to grasp one another and pull the other as close as we could. His lips were so soft and gentle I almost forgot to breathe. He pulled away again, looking me in the eyes. His mouth parted, as if words were supposed to come out, but nothing did. He scanned my face. I leaned in and stole a few more kisses. Finally, we both pulled away, our foreheads resting against the others. His thumb grazed my lower lip, tugging against it. He rubbed my cheek and we stared into each other’s eyes, breathless.
“I’m sorry,” I sighed out, rubbing my hand up and down his arm. His face pulled away from mine and he stepped back. He never met my eyes again. “Jc?”
He turned towards the door and walked out, leaving me alone in his room, overwhelmed with feelings. I reached up and touched my lips gently; they still stung from his kiss. I didn’t know how to feel at that moment. Everything was so right, but then everything was so wrong. He wasn’t supposed to leave me after kissing me. I don’t really know what he was supposed to do but it wasn’t that. I straightened out my shirt and cleared my throat, my mind buzzing.
I came back downstairs and found Jc at the kitchen counter. I smiled when I saw him and began to walk over to him, until he looked up. He didn’t smile at me. His eyes were cold and he turned from me and walked away. That was a stab to the heart. I had no idea what was going on. Why did he kiss me and then go and act like this? I stood in the kitchen alone, surrounded by beer bottles that resembled me in that moment: empty.
The next morning I woke up to a nagging headache and a broken heart – the killer duo. I must have crashed on the couch, because I woke up surrounded by dirty paper plates and empty solo cups. “Maybe that kiss was all a dream,” I groaned, running my hands through my hair. But then I remembered the taste of his lips and the feeling of my skin on his and I knew it was real. It was real in every sense. Then why did he act like that afterwards?
I looked around the house and saw how trashed it was, though I was too hung-over to care. “Fuck,” I sighed.
“Morning sleepy head,” Dom sung, walking into the living room.
“Shut up,” I groaned again, tossing a pillow over my head.
“Look like someone has had a bit too much to drink huh, Jc?” Dom chuckled and my heart skipped a beat when I heard Jc’s name.
I peeked out from under the pillow and saw him standing there in the same clothes as yesterday. I saw him glance over at me and I gave a slight wave. He ignored it and turned back to Dom. I felt my heart bleeding. Not literally, but like a thousand daggers were being stabbed into it.
“I’m going out,” I said, standing up. I nearly lost my balance and toppled over, but I grabbed the arm of the couch and settled myself. Dom let out a roaring laugh. “Shhhhh,” I hissed, holding my forehead.
“You expect to go outside with a hangover like that?” He laughed. “Why’d you drink so much anyway?”
“Drink to forget, huh?” I said as I slipped on a pair of sunglasses over the bridge of my nose. I glanced over at Jc, who clenched his jaw and looked away.
I spent most of the morning wandering, until I found myself back up on that Hollywood hilltop. The city wasn’t as beautiful during the day, but I didn’t care. This spot meant nothing to me either. I kicked the dirt beneath me feet, “I’d burn you, you know? But you’re property of the state and I’m sure that’s some sort of crime.” I gave it another kick, before continuing on into a nearby forest area. The towering trees made me feel small and insignificant, like a kid in a store who had lost his mom. And that was how I felt – small, insignificant and lost.
I began to jog, trying to get away from the past me. The one who had foolishly fallen in love with Jc Caylen, and let himself believe he felt the same. I started running faster, tears running down my cheeks. How we could have changed so much in just one night confused every part of me. One moment we’re kissing and the next he’s cold and distant? I couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I could barely see, the path in front of me a blur and suddenly I was going down, my foot caught on a fallen branch.
I toppled over and scrapped my knee but I continued crying. My shoulders shook violently with every sob and I wiped the running snot on my hoodie sleeve.
“Hey you okay?”
I looked up to see Jc. I quickly wiped away any sign of emotional leakage and cleared my throat, though I was sure I looked like a total mess.
“You s-stalking me or something?” I tried to sound tough but sounded more defeated and ashamed.
He came over and knelt over me, examining my knee. I hadn’t realized it was actually bleeding. He looked me in the eyes and I saw something flash in his eyes as his mouth grew down into a frown, “No need to cry. Did you really fall that hard?”
“Fuck off,” I sighed angrily, trying to stand up as my knee stung with pain.
“I’m just trying to help,” Jc said, grabbing my wrists and strattling me. I violently tried to shake him off, attempting to throw punches here and there. He smashed my arms over my head and our faces were inches from each other as he sat on top of me.
We stayed like that, in complete silence, besides the heavy breathing that was coming from both of us. We stared at each other, my eyebrows furrowed in complete and utter anger. Unexpectedly, Jc leaned down, his lips grazing mine. I sharply turned my head, averting my lips away from his.
He grabbed my chin and turned to face him again, where he went in for another kiss. “GET OFF ME!” I screamed, kicking and clawing. He got off of me quickly and sat on his legs across from me, as I scrambled myself up off the forest floor.
“Why?!” I hissed, and he looked me in the eyes. “Why did you kiss me yesterday and then just leave? How do you-,” I stopped myself in fear of crying again and let out staggering breaths, “- how do you think that made me feel?”
“Kian, I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“I mean what the fuck was that?!” I felt myself sobbing and I tried to stop. I didn’t want him to see me like this, not ever. I didn’t want him to have the satisfaction that he ruined me. That he made me into this mess.
“I’m sorry, Kian,” he scooted closer to me.
“W-what did I ever do to you? You don’t just kiss someone and then leave,” I cried out, wiping my eyes. I felt like a giant baby and I usually didn't show my emotions this visibly. He brought something out in me that made everything about me change.
“I’m sorry,” He said, and without warning he was in front of me.
“Why…” I sighed, my breath wavering as I tried to steady breathing. He places his hand on my chin and made my eyes meet his.
He looked guilty, and worried, and afraid. He began to lean into me and I tried to turn away but there was nowhere to go. “Why…” I whispered, before his lips met mine again and suddenly we were kissing.
It was slow and gentle. I felt his hand creep onto my chin and I could feel his fingers rubbing my sharp stubble. His lips were soft and his hands were strong. I pulled away from him, stooping my head so it rested in the crook of his neck. I wiped away some tears that had slipped through. He kept his arms wrapped around me and we sat like that for a while.
“I’m sorry Kian,” he whispered in my ear. I didn’t know how to feel. My emotions were all over the place but in that moment I was just happy to be in his arms. Around me the world was spinning.