(A/N - please play the song when you see *)
I CLOSE MY EYES as tears threaten to spill from them. I could feel his eyes staring directly at me but had no courage to open my own. I wish I was dreaming and this was just a horrendous nightmare, and then when I wake up, I will be laying on my king sized bed. I will go downstairs to the kitchen to talk to my brothers and father and then go to school. But as the chat in the room didn't stop and a hand touches my back, I knew it was not a dream. It was all a cruel reality.
Even with the distance between us I could recognize him. He looked handsome, even if I only saw him for mere seconds I knew he looked absolutely stunning. He had a black dress shirt that was paired with black suit pants.
He always looked gorgeous no matter what he was wearing, but today he looks fabulous. Maybe it's because I haven't seen him in a very long time, but I'm sure that if the situation was a better one I wouldn't be able to tear my eyes away from him.
But what hurt the most was not seeing his face, but the fact that he has a girl by his side. The ache on my chest was unbearable. But I had no right to be jealous or hurt, after all we broke up. He is not my boyfriend, he is not even part of my life anymore.
He is no longer mine, the same way I'm no longer his.
I opened my eyes just in time to see him approaching me, his steps were hesitant yet eagerly. From the way he was walking towards me I knew he wanted to talk. I shake my head as my lips begin to tremble and my hands start to shake. I couldn't do this, not now, not here. I couldn't even see his face without the urge of crying.
I turn around and start to walk whichever direction takes me out of here. My dress trailed behind me like a shadow as my steps quickened. There were people chatting everywhere, I had to swerve from right to left. My shoulders sometimes brush against other people's shoulders. I could see a door a few meters away from me.
I was feeling the burning stare of my family on my back as I walked further in the room trying to reach for the door, but they were muffled by the very strong feel of Blake's eyes following my moves.
I hear his footsteps but that only motivated me to walk faster. I open the doors I had seen before and it leads me to a hallway. I was no longer inside the ballroom full of people so I started running. I ran further into the neoclassical white and gold hallway, my dark brown curls breezed in the air. I only stopped running when I reached another door. Opening it, it led me to a beautiful garden full of roses. The moon, a glowing yellowy white, loomed large, surrounded by an ethereal glow.
I stopped running for a second so I would appreciate the view in front of me. Such a beautiful view, I wish it was a different moment so I could find joy in here. But now the only thing I can feel is the unbearable hurt on my chest that it's slowly spreading through my body. My vision blurred as the tears on my eyes wouldn't stop but actually increase.
I was ready to walk away and hide from my problems but a hand grabbing my wrist stopped me. I turned around and there he was. His orbs glanced at my frame. My chest moved up and down quickly as I tried to regain my breath. A single salty tear ran down on my cheek tracing my skin until it reached my lips.
"Can we talk, please?" he asked me. His voice was timid but desperate. I could hear the pain in his tone, and his eyes were hopeful. His grey orbs that had flecks of golden and brown, the flight of doves in the cloud-filtered post-storm light.
flashback
"Can we talk, please?" my voice breaks as I plead him for us to just talk, with tear stained cheeks and shaky hands I reach for his own hand. As my skin touched his, he snapped his hand away making mine fall to my side.
How can a simple act break your heart even more? As simple as the snapping of a hand shattered my already broken heart.
"I thought you loved me."
He promised me that he would never leave me. That he would love me forever and even still when forever runs out. Was I so hard to love that he couldn't even fulfill his promise?
"Do you really think I could have loved you?" he laughs at my stupid statement. I felt like he was picking the already shattered pieces of my heart and breaking each one of them into two, breaking it beyond repair. I couldn't believe the guy in front of me is the same guy that I fell in love with. His eyes no longer seemed secure, because now they stared at me blankly. "You're pathetic. You really thought that I loved you, but in reality, no one will love you. Everything we've shared was a lie, it was all an act."
"Why?" the question slipped from my lips before I had the chance to even think about what I was saying. "Why did you do it?"
"Simply because it was fun." his voice was firm and his eyes didn't show a sign of a lie. I guess he was a really good actor, it amazes me how long he was able to keep the act as a loving boyfriend.
There will be moments in our lives, that we'll have to make decisions that will forever change our paths. One simple decision can change our future. A simple word, yes or no, can make everything different. All our circumstances and life events are the product of one decision we've made. I wish I could say my decision was the right one, the one that would change my life for the better, but I honestly have no clue.
But do we ever know?
"You're right, maybe no one will love me, but at least I will know what it feels like to love someone. I'll know how it feels to put this person first, how my heart beats faster every time I see their faces or how a smile would appear on my face every time they laugh." he rolls his eyes at my statement. "I can't say that what you just did, didn't break my heart, because the truth is that you just shattered it into tiny little pieces, but honestly I don't care. When I accepted my feelings for you, I gave you this power and trusted you enough to think that you would never hurt me, so if you broke it or not, it's my fault. I trusted you and you proved me wrong. But at least one day, I'll be able to say that I did know what falling in love was like, and that's something you won't be able to do, because now I realize that your heart is made of stone and you won't ever be able to know how falling in love feels like."
As I finish my speech, I look at him one more time. Archiving the moments we had on my mind, and then I walked away. Because that was the right thing to do. Whether I want to or not.
flashback over
I take a shaky breath and look him in the eyes. I don't want to talk to him. But I can't move, my feet won't move. I felt paralyzed, feeling betrayed by my own body. I stayed looking at the storm of emotions in his eyes.
"No, we can't." my voice was quiet, the confidence that it usually had was gone, there was only hurt. I couldn't recognize myself anymore.
"Please, just hear me out." he pleaded me, just like I did the day we broke up. That day he just ignored my pleads and humiliated me. "I didn't have a choice!" he exclaimed, probably seeing I wasn't going to hear him out, I couldn't.
He may say he didn't have a choice, but we always do. We always have control on how to respond to the challenges life put us through.
"We always have a choice, you just decided to ignore yours." tears wouldn't stop building in my eyes but not once I set them free. He was about to say something but I cut him off. "Blake, I don't want to hear it. I've worked so hard to move on, and it's something I haven't achieved yet but hearing you will make it worse. I can't."
"My father." he insisted. My head tilted to the side in confusion and he took it as a sign to continue. "I've never had a good relationship with him-"
"Blake, I don't want to know your family problems, I already have mine. Just let me go, please." I interrupted him.
He looks at me with tears in his eyes, the same way I looked at him when he shattered my heart. His eyes were begging for me to hear him out, but it hurts. I've come so far, not thinking about him every night or crying each time I see a picture of us together, if I stay here and talk to him, it would be like taking one step forward and two steps back.
"Please, just let me explain. When I'm done you can decide if you want to accept my explanation or not." a single tear ran down his cheek. His stormy grey eyes were a tornado of emotions, the tears in them making them glitter with the moonlight.
"Blake, I can't. You shouldn't be here, for fucks sake you have a date waiting for you inside!" his hand that was previously grabbing my wrist has now moved to my cheek, I look down at his hand before locking my eyes with his again.
He gently caressed my cheek, never once breaking eye contact. I could see the tears in his eyes that he was trying hard to contain. My head shook with the contact. His hand was warm but his rings were cold on my skin. My vision was blurry because of my unshed tears.
The image of him and the girl inside the ballroom appeared in my mind. I couldn't talk to him. I imagined myself as the girl that was left inside as her probable boyfriend ran away behind a foreign girl. The pain she must have felt, the same I felt when he broke up with me. The pressure, fullness, burning and tightness in her chest. The crushing, or searing pain that radiates to the back, neck and shoulders.
I now imagine them in the rain, like he once was with me, telling her he loves her. His eyes looked at her passionately. I couldn't be the reason for her pain. I would never want to cause such hurt to anyone because I know how much it hurts. I've felt it so many times that it's like the pain turned into my friend. Walking with me like my shadow never leaving me alone. Like a lost puppy trailing behind it's owner.
So I moved back, away from his hand. His arm dropped to the side as his eyes now showed hurt. But he had no right to feel hurt, he moved on. And now he should respect my choice and let me go so I can move on, the same way I let him go when he told me everything was a lie.
"I-I just want to talk to you, please. I need to explain myself. I can't live with you hating me." his voice was quiet, a little above a whisper. His head was down in shame and sadness.
"You don't understand, do you? I don't need you to explain yourself to me because no matter how many times I try to convince myself that I hate you, it never works. I can't fucking stop loving you, I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I hate you, but then I would be lying. I hate myself, not you. I hate myself because I don't think I can ever stop loving you. But regardless of my feelings for you, it was your decision for us to break up and I respected that. I respected you enough, even after everything you told me, to let you go. Now all I'm asking you is to do the same. I'm pleading you to let me go, you even have a date inside the ballroom waiting for you. Do you know how she must have felt as you left her alone and went running behind me? Do you have any idea how it must have hurt her? You still don't understand that every action you take has a consequence."
"Do you think I care about her? She's no one, there's no feelings between me and her. My father asked her to come here with me, it was not my decision!" he yelled at me in frustration.
Is that all he really got from what I just said?
"Okay. But still, I want you to respect my wishes and leave me alone. I don't want to hear your explanation because I want to move on, and hearing what you want to tell me will only hold me back. You already hurt me too much, I don't know if I'll be able to get up on my own one more time after someone used me." it was like everything I say would enter by one ear and leave by the other, he was hearing what I was saying but was refusing to comprehend the words.
"I need you to hear me out!" his voice raised as he pleaded with me to just hear what he has to say.
Somehow this simple act made my blood boil in anger. My hands turned into fists and my knuckles were as white as paper. My breathing started to become irregular as I tried to contain my anger, but I couldn't. I didn't even have time to think before the words came out of my mouth.
"You need me to hear you out?" a dry laugh escapes my lips as I look at his confused face, and his eyebrows frown because of my sudden anger. "I NEEDED YOU THAT NIGHT! You broke up with me, made me feel like shit, and now you need me to hear what you have to say?! Do you want to know what happened as soon as I got home that day?!" his confusion increased every second. The anger took control of my words as I have no idea why I'm telling him this. "I was fucking raped! My foster father raped me! I had no one to rely on for emotional support because the only person I had was you, and you left me! I felt used, like dirty, I have never hated my own skin the same way I did that day!" I had no control over my words anymore. I could only visualize myself after being assaulted, laying on my bed curled on a ball trying to contain my sobs. I wanted- no- I needed him that moment. "You don't come here and tell me you need me to hear you out, because I needed you and you weren't there!"
I start to punch his chest in anger. I could feel his arms around me as I struggled to get out of his hold. I wanted him to hold me that night when I felt broken, when I felt used, but he wasn't there. And now that I have come so far without him, he has the audacity to come back barging into my life. "I needed you!" I couldn't stop repeating these same words over and over again, my voice muffled by his chest where my head lay. I stop struggling and just rest in the comfort of his hold, having no strength anymore. I'm just so fucking tired.
"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you, my love." his voice was sad but you could still hear the slight anger in it. Not directed at me but probably at John. But what could he do now? He wasn't there when I cried to sleep. When tears would run down my cheeks and I had to put my face on the pillow so no one would hear me. He wasn't there when I scrubbed myself with so much intensity that my skin would turn red, trying to get the feel of John's dirty hands off of me, but nothing ever worked because no matter how many times and how hard I scrubbed my skin, I could still feel it. I still felt his hands on my mouth muffling my screams, I still felt used and dirty.
"When your trust is broken, sorry means as little as grains of drifting sand." I could feel the tears in my eyes, but I wouldn't cry for him. I've wasted too many tears on him already.
He wasn't there when I needed him. When I had the worst night of my life. When I felt so broken that the only thing on my mind was how to end it all.
"How about we go back inside and you give me one dance with you. One song and when it's done if you want to leave I'll let you go and won't ever talk to you again." he suggests hopeful, his embrace on me losing a little. "Please..."
"Alright, one song and then you leave me alone. I'll meet you inside." My voice was hoarse from the screaming before. He lets go of me looking into my dull eyes. I felt numb. For the first time in a while I was happy, but then he came back into my life without any warning and the numbness I had become used to came back again.
The truth is, I know he will use this dance as an opportunity to explain himself to me, but I don't need to hear him. I don't need to know why he did what he did because I already forgave him. I forgave him the moment I realized that I should let him go. And that was the best decision I could have ever made, because not holding any grudges against him made my soul lighter. My heart may still hurt but my soul is at peace.
He left me in the garden alone as I had asked. I walked through the path surrounded by roses, thinking what I would tell him. The roses reincarnating memories of when I was little and would run my parent's backyard that just like this one was, surrounded by flowers. I remember clearly how my dad would get home with a bouquet of roses and give them to my mother. How they looked at each other lovingly. When I thought it was time and that I was prepared, I walk back to the ballroom. I open the doors as I take my first step inside, the sound of people chatting and laughing invaded my ears. I find Blake talking to an older man that had the same grey eyes as him. His father.
I make my way through the crowd of people until I stop right in front of the two of them. My heart was racing and I could feel my hands start to sweat. As they see my figure standing there both of them turn around. Blake's eyes lighted up as they landed on me and I could see the corner of his mouth quirking up. While he seems content on seeing me here, his father shook his head in disapproval. I could sense his dislike for me, but paid no mind.
"One dance, let's go." as if the walk alone in the garden gave me the confidence that had previously disappeared I took his hand and walked to the middle of the room.
*
The song started to play as more people began to dance. My arms rested on his shoulders as his hands rested on my waist. I look up into his eyes as he looks down. We started to move slowly dancing in sync with each other and the beautiful melody that played.
"You look beautiful." he whispered to me. His thumb rubbed my waste up and down like he usually did when we dated. He would always hug me and rub his thumb as some form of comfort both for me and him.
I could feel the tears on my eyes and the burning on my nose as I tried not to cry in front of hundreds of strangers. I felt the burning sensation on my back, my family's gaze fixed on me.
Blake looked at me like we were the only ones in the room. It wasn't the blank stare he gave me the night we broke up. It was soft and comforting. It was the same stare he would give me when we used to date, the one that would make me feel safe, the same that made me fall in love with him.
I didn't answer him because I feared my voice breaking if I talked. I just looked into his grey eyes. I could feel the heat of his body because of how close we were to each other.
We were so close, yet so distant. It feels like we were oceans apart.
"You've changed." he states, his grey eyes bore into mine.
"Yes, I did. I'm not as nice as I was before. I'm not the same girl you met a few months ago. I don't trust people anymore, because you and everyone that has ever entered my life proved to me that no one can be trusted. I've been used and walked over. I don't usually get myself close to people because they will always leave in the end, no matter how many times they promised otherwise. I've changed, because I realized that I can only depend on myself."
He looks down as I finish talking. I could tell he regretted commenting what he did. I guess I did change a little after all. We stayed quiet for some minutes before he spoke again.
"I know you said you don't want me to explain myself but I need to. I can't live with myself knowing that you think I didn't love you, because the truth is that I love you so much that it hurts. I've loved you since the day we met. Seeing you cry right in front of me and beg for me to stay, broke my heart more than you think." he says.
"Blake, how am I supposed to believe you when the last time we saw each other you told me everything we ever had was a lie. These things you just said, were the same things you told me when we used to date, yet in the end you said it was all a lie. I'm starting to think you deserve a fucking Oscar for your acting, being it true or not, you still lied to me." my voice was quiet and my eyes were no longer locked with his but instead traveling through the ballroom. I looked at the people dancing and talking, observing their every movement.
"I know I lied to you, but the times we've spent together while dating were when I showed how I really feel. Those moments we shared was when I was the most vulnerable in my entire life. The feelings we shared were nothing but raw and pure." his voice had nothing but honesty. My eyes once again locked with his. His stormy grey eyes looked directly at me not once breaking the contact.
I knew he wasn't lying, because when he does, his eyes would shift direction and his cheeks would turn a light shade of pink.
I just look at him not knowing what to say. Debating with myself if I should trust his word or not, after all, actions speak louder than words. Not once in our relationship he made me doubt his feelings for him, yet it could have been all his way of manipulating me.
Life's lessons are hard, but it is worse when love is involved. I know that the way I look at him and he looks at me, the way we hold each other not wanting to let go or how we are willing to walk and stand by each other's side through thick and thin is nothing but the pure manifestation of love.
I never liked the idea of being in love because I've always felt scared of what it could cause me, yet I took the risk of falling because I thought he was the right one. I took the risk because it was him that would be there to catch me.
"My father never had a good relationship with me or my brother. He always wanted to be in control of our lives. If he didn't approve something, he would take the matters into his own hands." his words were rushed as he tried to explain god knows what even though I told him I didn't want to hear it.
"Why are you telling me this?" I asked as the music played in the background.
"You'll know soon. I kept our relationship a secret, never once I told him or Nate, my brother, about us. I was going to introduce you to my brother, but I never got the chance. Somehow my father found out we were together, but he didn't approve of it."
Nate has been lying right in my face all this long, now it made sense the expression on his face when we were in jail and why he had asked to make a call right after, he didn't want me to see Blake as he was probably the one that would get Nate out of jail.
He betrayed me, I trusted him.
Again I gave my trust to someone only so they could break it.
"Oh..." was I the problem? Maybe I wasn't good enough for Blake in his father's eyes.
"Hey." he sternly says. "It wasn't you that was the problem. He is the problem, he won't ever like anyone I like because he wants me to be with someone of his choice and I don't want to be with anyone but you." he assures me as his face leans close to mine. His nose brushed against mine because of the proximity.
It's funny how after all the time we spent away from each other he still knows how my mind works. He knows exactly when I need comfort or assurance. I used to think he could read my thoughts from how many times he assured me about my insecurities without me having to say a word.
No one could read me, yet he read me like an open book. It was like all the locks I had would open by themselves when he was near me. But only him could do this, only him could read my eyes and reach my soul.
"He threatened me. He said that if I didn't break up with you he would not only hurt you but my brother too. I didn't know what to do, I was scared. I know Nathaniel can defend himself quite well, but I didn't think he would be able to defend himself from my father. I was also scared about what he would do to you." he confessed.
"Have you ever thought that maybe I was capable of protecting myself? You knew that I know how to fight, and I understand that it wasn't just my life at risk, it was your brother's too, but if you knew we were able to defend ourselves then why did you do it? You could have told me and Nathaniel. But you decided to throw those hurtful words at me and push me away because you were scared. Have you ever thought how all this affected me? How I laid at night wondering if it was my fault, wondering if I wasn't good enough. You ripped my heart from my chest and broke it beyond repair. So now, you expect me to go back to you after all the hurt you've caused me? Remember that when you told me you loved me for the first time, you also said that I was not alone? You weren't too, and when you made the decision to break my heart, you only thought about you and forgot that I had promised that I would stay by your side too. You only took into consideration your feelings and not mine."
I wish he had thought this through before he made me fall in love with him. Sometimes I wonder if I had the chance to relive the day we met, if I would still talk to him or if I would walk away. One way I would never know what falling in love was and the other I would avoid being heartbroken. But I guess this is one of the kinds of questions that everyone asks but never has an answer for it.
"And you think that what I said only broke your heart? Have you ever thought that maybe, saying the things I said was hard. That maybe, it was painful to see you crying right in front of me. I wanted to hug and comfort you, but I couldn't. I did what I had to, I was scared that I would lose you."
"Yet you lost me anyway. Pushing me away didn't solve your problems, because either way you ended up without me." I said quietly and he looked at the ground in shame.
I understand he was scared of losing me, but he ended up without me anyway. Was it really necessary to say those hurtful words?
I rested my head on his chest as the song came to an end. We stopped dancing and for a second stayed close to each other. His hands on my waist while mine were on his shoulder. My head on his chest as his head rested on mine. I could feel the heat of his body and the safety of his embrace.
I stepped away from him as clapping was heard through the entire ballroom. I look at him as he looks at me, his eyes again pleading for me to stay.
I wanted to cry, to scream, but I couldn't. I had a decision to make, to either walk away and never talk to him again, or stay.
Which one would hurt less?
If I leave, I'll be leaving the love of my life behind. I'll have to move on, but I will never forget him. His grey eyes and boyish smile will always remain engraved on my mind.
But if I stay, what will guarantee me that he won't break my heart again?
Should I give up this relationship just because I'm scared that he'll commit the same mistakes he committed in the past?
"Maybe a few months ago, if you had asked me to go back to our relationship, I would. I probably would run back to your arms without a second thought. But now I've changed. We both did. I'm no longer the girl I used to be, the one you knew. And the new me is not going to commit the same mistakes from the past. So, I'm sorry, but I can't stay with you, because every time I look at your face, I hear the words you said that night. Every time I look at you, my heart aches. Will I regret this decision? Maybe, but right now, it's the right thing to do. I can't let myself depend on you once again. Maybe one day, if we are meant to be, we'll meet again and maybe we will be together. I can't love you in the dark, Blake." My hand caressed his cheek as a single tear shed from his eyes. The tear ran down his cheek reaching his pink lips. I brought my face near his, my lips touched his as my eyes closed. I could taste his salty tear in my mouth. The kiss was gentle and quick.
A goodbye kiss.
I turned around and walked to where my family was. They were talking to Javier's family but I could feel their rage because of what they saw. My head was down and not once I turned around. I really wanted to look at his face one more time, but if I did so, I would change my mind, and right now I can't let that happen, it was the best for both of us.
I had to let him go.
Maybe one day, I'll walk into a cafe to buy a morning drink, and I'll bump into him. If we are meant to be together, like I know we are, one day we'll see each other again, but for now, I need to grow mentally without him.
I need to do this, for myself. And for him.
"Who was that?" asks dad through gritted teeth. He was trying to remain composed as we were in public.
That was the love of my life. His laugh used to be the most beautiful melody I had ever heard. His smile used to bring one of my own to my lips. He used to hold me and make me feel secure when I was scared. He tried his hardest to stick with me regardless how difficult I was at the beginning of our relationship, he cared enough to look past my flaws and love me anyway. We fought and made mistakes, yet always forgave one another. Because our love was stronger than anything, but now, I let him go. Now, we are just strangers with shared memories.
"No one." what a lie, he wasn't no one, and would never be no one. He would always be someone that had occupied a special place in my heart. He would always be someone to me.
Vincenzo looks at me with a knowing look, telling me I would have to explain myself when we get back to the mansion. I promised myself I would not keep secrets from them, and I didn't. I just haven't told them about Blake yet, because no matter how much I try not to feel the pain, the story we created was the most beautiful yet painful.
I was no longer in the mood to talk to anyone, the little energy I had to socialize was used with the conversation I had with Blake. I no longer can stay here and laugh at stupid things people say. I'm drained, exhausted.
I start to walk around the room before stopping and standing leaning on a wall. My bare back touched the damp and cold wall. I really hope I've made the right decision, because now I can't go back.
Javier approaches me with a look of anger. I'm glad he found me, I need to give him something.
"Is that him?" he asks me, referring to Blake. I knew exactly what he meant, so I nodded my head.
"Javi." I called him as he was prepared to launch towards Blake. In all honesty I have no idea who would win if they got into a fight. "A few days ago, we found out someone was planning something against me and it would take place at this ball."
He looks at me confused, but I had to tell him this in order for him to understand why I'm giving him a letter.
"I need you to give this letter to him, to Blake, if anything happens to me. I'm trusting you'll give it to him." I tell him, handing him the black envelope with my letter.
"What are you talking about?" he asks in confusion, but I knew deep down he understood what I was trying to say.
"Do you promise to give this to him?" I needed to make sure. I wrote the letter a few months ago, it was meant as a closure, but it also has every single thing I felt for him written in it. I'm asking Javier to give it to Blake, because I know that I will never be able to give it to him myself.
"I promise." he says, nodding his head.
"Now go talk to the others." I say pushing him the other way. Leaving me alone.
I look around the room searching for the love of my life. My eyes finally stop and gaze at him from across the gigantic ballroom. He was talking to the girl he had brought with him, he was smiling and laughing but even a blind person could see the sadness in his grey eyes. His posture remained collected as he talked with the pretty girl.
"You know," a voice says from my side, making me turn my head. Blake's father was beside me, his eyes fixed on his son as he talks to me. "I threatened to kill you and Nathaniel, my youngest, yet he still ran back to you, trying to bring you back."
I didn't know what to say so I just stayed quiet hearing what he was saying. I turned my head back to look where Blake was, he was still talking to the girl. I decided on keeping my eyes in their direction. I'm not usually intimidated by someone, but his father had this creepy vibe that sends shivers down my spine, and not the good kind.
"You were nothing but a distraction to my son, thankfully today will be the last night you'll burden us." he whispers the last part but I hear it clearly. As I turn my head to look at him, I'm faced with nothing. He had already gone away, leaving me and my thoughts once again, alone.
I stay in the same position for what felt like hours but in reality we're thirty minutes. I was starting to walk into my family's direction as the sound of the main doors being opened intensely was heard around the room. All heads turned in the direction of the doors. As I look at the person who had disturbed the event, my breath is caught in my throat.
My eyes widened and my mouth hung open. I had no words. I think I might be in a dream, because the person in front of me should be dead.
She makes her way towards me, her chocolate brown eyes locked with mine. She walked graciously in my direction. Her red dress trailing behind her as the sound of her heels is heard.
"Hello, Aurora." her smooth and sweet voice says. She sounded so sweet, yet her mischievous smile would say otherwise.
"Amelia." the shock in my voice was evident, my tone was just above a whisper. I could feel my hands sweating and my heart beating at a quick motion. I wouldn't be complaining if I didn't know she would never come back to her children unless she had a reason that would benefit her. And I'm pretty sure the reason would be no good.
She was nothing to me, my mother was the one that raised me, which clearly is not Amelia. For me, she was simply the person that had given birth to me and my brothers.
She was supposed to be dead, six feet under. Yet she was standing in front of me breathing and well. Was I lied to when the doctors told me she had died, when I searched those medical records? Why would she fake her own death?
I had no time to even think as she engulfed me in a hug. My eyes widened more as I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. More specifically in the right portion of my abdominal cavity, just beneath my diaphragm and on top of my stomach, right kidney, and intestines- in my liver. I didn't have to look down to know what was happening; the feeling of an immense amount of blood oozing from my wound was enough for me to know she had hit a lethal place.
She was Am.
It's funny how betrayal always comes from the ones whom you trust, yet, even though I didn't trust her, I felt betrayed. My own mother, the person who brought me into this world and was supposed to love me unconditionally had stabbed me, quite literally.
She was the one that brought me into this world, and now she's also the one taking me out of it.
Why? I may never know, but I do have my suspicions. One of them being her wanting revenge against my father. I had heard how unhappy she was in the last years of her marriage with dad. I've heard how she was planning to escape but had to postpone her plans when she found out she was pregnant with me and Antonio. She wanted to hurt him, and what better way than taking away his only daughter?
I look up from her shoulder, locking eyes with my family. Memories of moments we had shared together came floating into my mind. Now I understood what Blake's father had said, he was part of this revenge. My death would be convenient for him, so why not ally with my birth giver, Amelia?
There's so much I want to tell them, so much I want to do. We had too little of time with one another. Too little of memories to keep, but I'm happy that even though we didn't have much, what we had of time was worth every cry and smile.
~
"Aurora?" said Antonio sounding nervous.
"Yes?" I replied, unsure where this conversation was going.
"Would you like to spend the day with me and have some sibling time?" He asks me hopefully.
The way he defended me a few minutes ago as Brittany had offended me, made my heart melt. I couldn't say no. Not that I needed his help defending myself, but he did anyway.
"Okay. I'm just going to change." I answer with a small smile, almost imperceptible.
~
My dear twin, my other half...
I've never felt such connection as the one I felt with him. He was my best friend, my brother, my twin, and I'll forever love him. It saddens me that we had such a brief time together, but the memories we created will forever be one of my favorites. His stupidity sometimes would make me mad, but I've always known that behind this act there was a genius. I just hope he'll use his intelligence for great things.
~
When I finally have the strength to open them, what I see breaks my heart. Lorenzo had tears on his eyes but was trying to contain them.
"Rory you are having a panic attack. I need you to concentrate on your breathing. Stay in the present." he tells me.
Lorenzo takes his hands off my cheeks and pulls me close to his chest. "Concentrate on my heartbeat."
I do as he says. I close my eyes and focus on his heartbeat. Bringing all my attention to it. Soon enough I had calmed down, I wasn't hyperventilating anymore but my vision was still blurry as tears were still running down my cheeks.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have said what I said. And it's stupid, because the only reason I did was so I wouldn't get attached to you. It was selfish, I wanted to protect my feelings but ended up hurting yours on the way. I was, and still am scared, that someone will take you away from me. I already lost you once, and I can't lose you again. You don't have to forgive me, I just want you to know that no matter what you are my sister, and I love you." he held me closer than before. His cheeks were swollen and his eyes red.
~
Lorenzo...
Such a pain in the ass, but regardless of everything, a lovely brother. I feel for having to leave him so soon. For the second time I'm leaving him, but now, there's no coming back. I knew he was never angry at me, and that he never disliked me, because like everyone else, he's a human and each one of us chose different ways of cooperating with our feelings. He has the right to make mistakes and feel scared. Everyone has the right to fear something, the only difference is that he decided to pull me away instead of enjoying the moments we could have had together. But I'm very grateful that when he realized that what he was doing was hurting me, he stopped. He has grown so much since the day we both met and I'm so proud of him.
~
"What are you doing?" Gio asks as he enters the library. I look at him standing on my tip-toes trying to reach a book.
"I'm cooking a lasagna. What does it look like, dumbass?" I replied, rolling my eyes.
"What did you just call me?" he asks angrily glaring at me.
"Best brother ever, that's what I called you." I quickly say, deciding that maybe annoying Gio is not a good idea. He can be scary when he wants to.
~
Giovanni...
How I wish I would have spent more time with him. I understand that work was his escape from his emotions, but he needs to rest sometimes, it is not healthy and there's so much more in life that he should enjoy. He distracted himself from the feelings he had buried deep inside his heart by doing paperwork. I'm just glad that once I asked him to spend more time with me and our brothers, he fullfilled his promise.
~
"You're doing it wrong." he tells me, his voice held so much amusement. He was enjoying my suffering. I've been trying to do it for hours now, but I just can't. I'm not one to give up easily but this was pissing me off and I was getting tired.
"I give up!" I exclaimed at the top of my lungs. He laughs at me and starts to walk away.
I guess I'm not good at skating. Not at all.
~
Matteo...
How I wish I had more time with him, maybe one day I would be able to skate properly. He was always so close off, but I never pushed him to talk to me. I knew one day he would finally let himself enjoy life. It took him a while, but he did set himself free and took risks. He started to spend more time with everyone and especially me.
~
"Are you sure this is going to work?" Leonardo asks me, he has been asking the same question over and over again since we started to execute our plan.
"Yes, it will. Nothing can go wrong, it is simple. We put on some hair dye in his shampoo and it's done."
"Okay. Yeah, you are right." he breathes out a breath of relief as I assure him everything will go as planned. At least I hope so.
~
Leo...
We should have pulled more pranks on them. It would be funny if we had time to buy the cockroaches and spiders to put in Lorenzo's room. But life is unpredictable and now we won't be able to pull pranks on everyone. I would love it if he kept pulling the pranks on them like we had planned, even though I won't be there with him.
~
"Do you want to bake with me?" asks Luca timidly. His eyes were glittering with hope. At that moment he looked like a kid asking for candy.
"Sure, what are we baking?" as the words left my mouth a bright smile forms on his lips. His eyes were now holding pure happiness and again he looked like a kid. He started to jump up and down before reaching for my hand and pulling me to the kitchen with him.
"We are baking a chocolate cake."
~
Luca...
I'm thankful that he taught me all those recipes, I wish I had more time to put them in practice. He was like a mother to me. Helped me when I needed to do my homework and made me feel better when I felt sick. He was the motherly figure we needed at that house, the balance of the family.
~
"You're grounded for a month." said Vincenzo as soon as I stepped inside the house. I look at him shocked. I just kissed a boy and got arrested, nothing much.
"Why?" I asked, pouting, I would never do something like that if I was sober. "Dad." I quickly added trying to distract him so he would give me less time grounded.
"You broke the rules, kissed a guy and then to add to this, you got arrested."
"Actually you said, and I quote, no drinking and smoking, and no boys." he was going to say something but I cut him off continuing what I was previously saying. "Then, I said and I quote, you can't forbid me from smoking or drinking because I'm pretty sure you all did when you were my age. And about the no boys rule, I said that this too, you can't forbid me, I was not interested in anyone but if someone that I liked appeared I would not stop talking to the person. Meaning I did not break any of your rules, dad." I smile innocently at him, probably showing my dimple that I have on my left cheek, I could feel both of my cheeks hurting.
"But you're still going to get grounded for getting arrested. Two weeks only going to school and when coming back from school you'll stay in your room until dinner." he replied and I nodded my head, which was a bad idea because now my vision blurred again.
I do agree with his punishment but I never said I was going to follow it.
~
Dad...
I wish I had told him more times how much I love him and how grateful I am that John died, because then I had the opportunity to be with him and my brothers once again. I may not have told him, but he was the best dad on this entire planet and I love him so much.
I diverted my gaze from my family to Javier. He had his eyebrows frowned looking at me, I smiled sadly at him, which made his eyebrows frown even more from confusion. I could have never asked for a better best friend. He had been by my side when I needed and assured me that if he had a choice he would've never and would never leave me.
~
"You know, life is not easy. You'll have ups and downs. There will be times when you will feel hopeless, you will feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel, but there will always be a lesson in these moments. The pain you've suffered will lately be turned into strength." his eyes softened as he looked at my probably swollen cheeks and red eyes.
"The strongest people are the ones that fought the toughest battles. And I know for a fact that you are one of those people, you've suffered so much but now it's up to you either to learn from them or let them hold you back."
And I know he's right, but there is one question that remains on my mind. The question I've been asking myself for so long, but still got no answer.
"But for how much longer do I have to get hurt?"
I've fought my whole life. I've been tired for so long but I've been holding on the hopes that maybe tomorrow it'll get better. But that's the dangerous thing about hope, it sets us up for disappointment and defeat.
It's self-deluding, and eventually will end up sabotaging or defeating you. When hope is repeatedly defeated, it's vulnerable to be replaced by hopelessness.
"As long as it is needed for you to grow mentally, emotionally and spiritually. As long as it is necessary for you to realize that some endings are meant for new beginnings. That it'll get better, but while it doesn't, keep your head up. You cannot see the rest of the puzzle yet, but trust, it'll be a masterpiece." he answers.
~
I then turned my head to Blake's direction, he was looking intensely at me. He, like Javier and everyone in the ballroom, was confused. I tried to memorize every feature in his face. The distance didn't help, but if this was my last moment looking at him, I wanted to memorize every single detail.
~
"Blake..." I say quietly with a soft tone. My eyes never left his face.
I thought he hadn't heard me until he turned his head and looked into my eyes. His beautiful grey eyes that held so much love and happiness.
"Love..." he says in the same soft tone as me.
"Do you know what's my biggest fear?" I ask, looking at him. He shakes his head. Confusion all around his features.
"My biggest fear isn't that one day you will lie to me or cheat on me. My biggest fear is that one day you will wake up, look at my sleeping body and notice all my flaws. That one day you will notice how annoying I am and how I talk too much. You'll remember about my random spouts of jealousy. That one day you will walk into the kitchen, drink a cup of coffee, stare at the pale morning rays of sunlight entering the window frame and come to the conclusion, that you don't love me anymore." I say as tears start to form in my eyes but I don't let them free.
He looks at me and his face softens. He smiles showing his cute dimples. His free hand comes near my face. He caressed my cheek as his embrace on me tightened. He leans his head closer to mine and kisses me passionately.
"I don't think I can ever stop loving you. Everyone has flaws, I have too. Those beautiful eyes of yours that for some reason you hate so much, they are unique. I love you for who you are. I don't think you are annoying, and you shouldn't too. I know that when you look at yourself you feel disgusted, but I see a young, beautiful and strong women." he assure me. As he finish a smile starts to appear on my face.
~
I close my eyes before deciding what I should do. An idea popped into my head and I decided this was the best option.
"I-If I'm d-dying you're g-going with me." I say not giving her time to comprehend my words as I reach for the dagger that I had hidden underneath my dress.
In a shift movement I stab her neck cutting her cariodic artery. Blood oozed from her wound, some even splashing on my face. She finally freed me from her embrace and with her hands she tried to cover the place I had sliced. Her body fell to the ground as her eyes finally closed for good.
Her embrace was the only thing keeping me standing as I had lost too much blood. My hands reached my stomach covering the wound. My knees soon gave up and fell on the ground. I could see from the corner of my eye a figure coming running in my direction. When the person is finally close enough, they take me into their embrace, my head resting on their shoulder as their hands cover my wound. I look up to be faced with the face of the love of my life. Blake.
Looking down I could see I was losing too much blood. There was blood oozing through mine and Blake's fingers nonstop.
I wouldn't make it through.
This was it, the end.
"I-I l-love you f-forever and e-even s-still when forever r-" I coughed blood as I tried to say my last words to the boy who had stolen my heart. "r-runs out."
I could see from the corner of my eyes my brothers and father approaching me on a quick motion while Javier stayed standing paralyzed in shock. They stopped some even kneeling beside me and Blake.
"Hey guys." I said weakly at them, diverting my gaze from Blake to their direction. A small smile on my lips. "You know I-" I coughed blood as it was getting harder to talk. "I love you g-guys so m-much and I'm g-glad that you're m-my family." a loud sob escapes Ant's mouth as he buried his head on his hands, the others too had tears running down their cheeks nonstop. "We love you too." dad says as he was leans down near my head. He caressed my hair and then looked at my wound. As his eyes landed to where mine and Blake's hands were trying to stop the bleeding he had to divert his eyes away. My heart aches from the scene in front of me, seeing my family this way. So broken.
I look at Blake as tears wouldn't stop running down his cheeks as his eyes remained on mine. I could feel some of his salty tears on my lips as they dropped on my face. "Don't talk like that, you are getting out of this. You're going to survive." his voice was broken as he tried to talk. I didn't know if he was trying to convince me or him. But either way, deep down we both knew what he said was a lie. "You have to, there's so much ahead for the both of us. I didn't get to ask your hand in marriage yet, I didn't get to have a family and grow old with you." he says while dad had walked away with his phone in hands calling an ambulance while my brothers were kneeling down near my weak body keeping their distance as I said my goodbye to Blake.
"Y-you know I-I won't survive. N-now, pl-please give me a k-kiss." I tried to talk but my voice was breaking and coughs of blood wouldn't stop escaping my lips. We were both lying in a pool of my blood. The bright warm red liquid tinting my once beige dress.
"No, I'm not giving you a goodbye kiss because you are not dying." he replied crying. His lips were trembling and his hands shaking above mine. "You'll get through this and we'll be together again, and- and we will have lots of kids like we talked, remember? We'll have Rafael, then Antonio, then Lucifer, then Rose and lastly Ava." a pained smile made its way to his lips.
~
"How many kids do you want to have?" I ask him as he plays with my brown curls.
"I want five, three boys and two girls. How many do you want?" he replied with a smile.
"I want five too. The first would be a boy, and he will be called Rafael in honor of my foster dad, the one I always talk about. The second oldest will be called Antonio, I've always loved this name. The third child will be called Lucifer, don't ask me why but I just love this name too. The forth children, and the oldest girl, will be called Rose because as I had told you before, my foster mom that was married to my foster dad, Rafael, used to love roses. And the youngest will be called Ava. What do you think?"
"I love it." he tells me looking into my eyes and leaning close to my face giving me a peek on my lips.
~
"Please." I beg him. He finally gave in and leaned his head close to mine. His lips touched mine, I could taste his salty tears mixed with my own. His lips felt like heaven with mine. I kissed him, with my lips, with my heart, with my soul, with everything before I couldn't.
Pain is the price of love, we agree to it the moment we open our hearts to others. But this goodbye hurts, because our story is not finished, yet the book is being closed.
But I promise that'll never forget the day we met, or when we first kissed. Because he changed me forever, and I'll never forget him.
People are scared of death, yet it's not death that it is painful but life. Life will put you through hell, but there's no way of stopping it. It is inevitable. No matter how much we try to prevent it, there's no way of stopping it. Death is the final destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it, it can come any time, any day.
As his lips disconnected from mine, my eyes started to feel heavy. "My love, please, keep your eyes opened. P-please my love." his voice was broken in a way I had never heard before and that would haunt me forever. "P-please don't l-leave me." he says before looking up. "WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE DOCTORS?!"
"Please don't leave me." he whispered to me, he rested his face on the crook of my neck. I could feel his wet tears running down my skin as he kept mumbling the same words over and over again.
"You found me, didn't y-you? After w-we broke up you f-found me. Do it a-again, but next time you'll have so much to tell m-me." I told him as tears ran down my cheeks.
"Please don't." he pleads, but we both know it was no avail. I had no choice, it wasn't in my hands.
"I have to b-baby. I don't have a c-choice." my voice cracks at the end of the sentence. My breathing was hard, shallow. "I'll see you on the other side. I love you, Blake King."
"You promised me." he whispered in my ear as my eyes closed and a pained smile appeared on my lips, I was finally free from the cruelty of this word, yet my chest hurts with the thought of never seeing my family's faces again and never kissing Blake's lips. He grips my almost limp body with as much strength as he can, as if he kept me in his embrace would make any difference. "I love you." he whispers against my ear, his hot breath touching my skin.
I never thought that death would have a sweet embrace.
~
His arms hugged my body as he finally reached me. We fell in the green grass surrounded by small flowers. I rest my head on the crook of his neck as his arms rested around my waist.
"Do you promise to never leave me?" his voice was vulnerable and quiet. I look up to be met with his stormy grey eyes that looked so vulnerable. I don't know why, but he has a huge fear of abandonment. He has this overwhelming worry that the ones close to him will leave. Fear of abandonment can be deeply rooted in a traumatic experience a person had as a child or a distressing relationship in adulthood. I wish he would tell me where this came from, that he would open up a bit.
"I promise." a soft smile formed in his lips as the words left my mouth.
~
I guess we were both liars.
This was it, the end.
The end of a story of a girl that thought would never be loved by her family. A girl who found her soulmate but it was at the wrong time. A girl who had more scars than anyone could ever imagine. A girl who has the prettiest smile but that hides her pain behind it.
A girl that is finally happy that after a long journey full of tears, that is called life, she could feel peace. She could finally rest and stop carrying the weight of the world in her shoulders, she could finally take a breath of fresh air. The same girl that would wait till her family meets her again. Until her lover can kiss her lips and hold her close.
A girl that was young and waiting for a future, but never got the chance to have one.
And now she lays in her lover's lap on a pool of her own blood, looking into her lover's eyes for a last time. Watching on her head like a movie the happiest moments of her life, as now, life has been ripped away from her being and she lays there lifeless.
T H E E N D
--------------------------
*crying my eyes out*
There's still an epilogue and a bonus...
Also I'll be publishing a new book on November 27, 2021. It is not a sequel, but I'm very excited about it and it's personally one of my favorites works right now.
I'm truly sorry :(