I sit on the step of the porch watching as Mia chases Stella across the grass. The laugh she has been filling the yard with since Stella arrived has warmed my heart. Since Tommy dropped her off, we've already gone for two walks, played fetch, and given plenty of belly rubs. I don't think Stella has ever experienced this much constant attention, but she is most definitely soaking it all in as her tongue hangs from her mouth, her tail wagging frantically as Mia holds the ball up.
"Sit," Mia says, holding her hand up in the air just as Tommy showed her on Thanksgiving. Stella quickly pushes her bottom to the ground, eyes glued to the ball. "Good girl," she smiles before throwing the ball across the yard.
Mia quickly turns her head toward me, "Did you see that, Mommy? I made it all the way to the flowers that time!"
I smile, nodding my head. "I did! You're getting so good. You'll be ready for tee-ball in no time!"
She smiles before turning back to Stella who has already dropped the ball back at her feet. I would have never thought about getting her into team sports. My family really only focused on surfing growing up, and in New York, dance just seemed logical. Mia was always the dress twirling, flower picking type since she was old enough to walk. I guess I never really thought about anything else for her, not until Tommy taught her how to properly throw a ball.
My thoughts drift to him, shifting to this morning when he dropped Stella off. I could tell he was slightly nervous leaving her with someone else. It was actually really cute how he rattled off all of her feeding and walking routines. I just watched him take on his fatherly duty, making sure his baby was well taken care of. I also made sure to acknowledge his requests, repeating back the amount of food she usually gets and at what time. I may not have a pet, but I do know what it's like to love a child. And that's what pets become. A part of your family.
That's not the only thought from this morning that still seems to be lingering through my mind. After Mia ran off with Stella to the backyard, I made sure to feel my favorite place in his arms one more time before he left. I knew I wouldn't get my usual Sunday walk, one that I was thoroughly looking forward to. Ever since his proclamation to move slow, we've managed to balance on this thin line of what that actually means. It's clear things are developing, and I seem to enjoy the fire of his touch a whole lot more than people who are moving slow should.
Whenever he's near me, I look for every excuse just to feel him, to run my hands along the muscles of his back, to feel his firm chest pressed against me. And sitting in his lap yesterday, pressing up against him in a more intimate way than we ever have before, sent a pulsing desire through me. I could feel it in him too. The way his hand slid across my back, sending flutters of feelings and pure lust coursing through me. I'm thankful we weren't completely alone in that moment because I don't know that I would have been able to keep the walls of slow in place if the movers hadn't interrupted my seductive visions in that moment.
"Hey!" a voice shouts from behind me, causing me to jump out of my heated thoughts. Thoughts that seem to be manifesting much more frequently lately.
I turn around to see my brother and Lacy setting down a few bags on the kitchen counter before walking my way. I slowly stand, joining the two of them. I reach for Lacy first, giving her a hug.
"Hey," I reply. "Thank you so much for doing this."
Lacy agreed to paint a mural on Mia's bedroom wall. I wanted something to make this home special, something different from New York yet all hers. Vince would have never gone for a creatively painted wall. Things had to match and stay orderly throughout the entire home. Everything in its place and structured just enough to portray perfection. I don't want perfect anymore. I want to welcome the disarray and messy makings of a home that's well lived in. I want her room to reflect the simple joys of a young imagination and joy, not muted colors made for a magazine shoot.
"Are you kidding?" Lacy laughs. "I get to paint an entire wall. You just made my weekend."
"You say that now," I begin. "Just wait until you hear what Mia has planned," I warn her, knowing the elaborate design Mia seems to have dreamt up.
"I can't wait," she beams before shifting her eyes out to the yard. The look in her eyes changes as she looks back at my brother. "I thought Tommy was gone this weekend."
"He is," Trevor responds, craning his head to see what she's looking at.
I follow her eyes to see Mia rubbing Stella's belly. I smile again at the look on Mia's face. "He is out of town," I repeat. "We're watching Stella for him."
Lacy's eyes quickly shoot to mine, a knowing and way too wicked smile now forming on her face. I shake my head, "We're just watching the dog."
"Uh huh," she smiles. "Just keep telling yourself that," she shouts from the doorway as she makes her way out to the yard.
I look back at my brother now as I begin to pull out the food they picked up on their way over. "Thank you for getting dinner," I say, trying to ignore Lacy's insinuation a moment ago.
"Yeah, no problem," he responds, taking a seat at the counter. I can feel his eyes on me, but I'm doing my best to ignore them. I know his wheels are spinning right now, but I don't know that I'm ready to discuss everything that's been developing.
"So," he speaks up. I know what's coming, so I mentally begin to prepare myself. "I have to ask, more because Lacy has been driving me crazy trying to convince me of things, but you and Tommy..."
"We're friends," I interrupt him, suddenly very nervous about where this is going. My instinct was to cover it up, but letting the word friends fall from my mouth when referring to Tommy doesn't feel right anymore. "For now," I add, slowly lifting my eyes to meet his, to gauge his reaction. This is the closest I have ever gotten to admitting that there is more there, more developing. At least, I've never truly admitted it to anyone else. I hinted at it with the girls, but this is more than that. This is stating that it is in fact leading somewhere.
He takes a breath, nodding his head before speaking. "Look, I know you're not asking, nor do you actually need my permission, but you seem happy, Amber. I haven't seen your real smile in a long time. And if Tommy has even the smallest ounce of being part of the reason for that, then I'm good with it. I just want you to have the story you deserve. You know that, right?"
I smile at his observations of my mood lately. "I have been happy."
I let that smile remain for a second as I think about everything that has changed for me over the last few months. I bring my eyes back to Trevor's, taking a small breath. "Part of that is because I'm actually doing it. I moved out here with a few essential items, left everything else behind, and now look," I gesture to the place around me. "We have our own place. And I did that, without a cent from him." Trevor smiles now, acknowledging what I've accomplished so far. "When I first left, I didn't know what would actually happen. If Mia and I could make it work without him. I've relied on him for so long, for everything. And when you do that, when you let someone control every aspect of your life, sometimes you forget how to live."
The realization of how much control he had over me throughout the years is something that's become more and more obvious with each day I venture out on my own. I'm not helpless. I lived a life before Vince. I moved to New York for school, not knowing a single person or street name. I lived in the dorms for a year then got an apartment with friends. I learned my way around, which restaurants were worthy of returning to and which ones to avoid. I learned which streets I could explore alone and which ones to always bring a friend.
I've been on my own before. That aspect isn't new. The thing is, I've let him shelter me, dictate my every move. He's had a say in every decision I've made, from the color of our walls to the clothes lining my closet. I found it easier to comply than to fight. Even though no matter how complacent I became, I never could manage to avoid the storm.
"It hasn't been easy, and I know I still have a lot of hills to climb, but now I know that I can. And that has made me smile again."
He nods with a proud smile of his own. It's strange seeing that look on my little brother. It should be the other way around. I should be the one acknowledging his many accomplishments, and he is riddled with them. I am proud of the man he's become, even when I left him to find that path on his own.
He's done a lot for me throughout those difficult years. He used to think he was a thorn in my side for always calling to check up on Mia and me, to remind me I had other options. To be honest, I wasn't always kind and thankful to him. I was just working so hard to seal the cracks in the glass that was shattering around me that I couldn't hear it from him. I couldn't hear that I was failing.
I look at his smile now. Seeing how far we've come from those tension filled phone calls. The ones I worked so hard to cover up my crumbling life. He sees the change in me. He sees the growth, emerging independence, and happiness. Happiness that hasn't been solely because of my steps forward.
"But," I add, taking a small breath before verbalizing the very thing I know has been building inside me. "Another part of why I've been able to smile again is because of Tommy." I let that linger for a moment, settling between us. "He brings something out in me that I thought I lost. He makes me laugh, he makes me feel safe, and I haven't had that. Not in a long time. So yes, we are friends right now, but I can't say that it will stay that way."
He laughs, dropping his head and shaking it from side to side before looking back at me. "I know that, Amber. Heck, I think we all know that. I'm just glad you realize it, too."
~~~
I sit beside Mia, reaching over to slowly pet Stella who is now nodding off at the foot of Mia's bed. I reach for the book Mia picked out for tonight and open the cover as my phone begins to vibrate beside me. Looking down to see Vince's name displayed across the screen causes a small hiccup in my heart. It shouldn't still seize me up to hear his voice, but I guess some fears, or survival tactics, never go away. I swallow my trepidation and show the picture to Mia. A small, innocent smile spreads across her face, and her body slides up as she reaches out. I take a brief moment to breathe in some of her purity before passing it over to her.
"Hi, Daddy!"
I can't help but smile at her joy. He may not have been the best father in the world, letting work come before his daughter quite often, but he was a father. He played with her when he was home and sober. I made sure to keep her shielded from the rest.
"Yes," she says to one of his questions. "It was so good! I played with Stella and now she's sleeping in my bed!"
My heart stops as my eyes dart to the phone in her hand.
"Stella is a dog, silly," she laughs, but my heart is still struggling to find its beat.
"No, she's Tommy's dog."
There it is. My heart has completely dropped from my chest as my body begins to tremble. I know where this is going as I begin to form the explanation in my head. My mind races through various back stories, trying to pinpoint the exact one that will stick.
"Okay, Daddy. I love you too," she says, pulling the phone from her ear. "He wants to talk to you."
Everything in me is struggling to move. My muscles have frozen in place as I stare at the phone in front of me. I should have thought about Stella when I answered the phone. I should have somehow explained to Mia that Vince didn't need to know she was here. How I would even begin to explain that to her is lost on me, but I should have thought of something.
I force myself to grip my shaking fingers around the phone and push a smile on my face for Mia's sake. I whisper to her that I'll be back for story time before compelling my legs to take me to my room. I try my best to focus on the pace of my breathing, attempting to calm it to a manageable rate.
I step through the door, slowly closing it behind me. Taking one more deep breath and closing my eyes briefly, I lift the phone to my ear. "Hi."
"You want to start explaining who the hell Tommy is?" he questions, anger thickly lacing his words.
"He's my brother's friend," I quickly cover, though the words feel stale as they slide through my lips.
"Oh yeah? Because according to our daughter, he's your friend."
I take a breath before running my hand across my forehead and falling to the bed. "He is my friend because he's my brother's friend. He's around a lot because of Trevor. So it's only natural that we became friends too."
I can hear him laugh now. It's an iniquitous laugh. One I've heard too many times. One that still has my heart racing even though we're thousands of miles apart.
"If you're all such good friends, why is the dog with you? Huh, Amber?"
I place my free hand under my thigh to settle the steady shake now taking over and grip the phone a bit tighter with the other. "You know how much Mia has wanted a dog. When the opportunity came to let her spend the weekend with Stella, I jumped in and offered. There's nothing wrong with that."
There's also nothing wrong with me seeing anyone. That was the deal when I left. Separated. Free to date, to explore other options. Something he hasn't hesitated to do. Why I can't just come out and say that is crushing me. I thought I had grown stronger moving out here, putting distance between us, but the tone of his voice has my stomach coiling into a mess of knots I can't seem to unravel.
"You're right. There is nothing wrong with that. But I'm not so sure that's all it is." He lets that sit for a moment, his breathing heavy through the phone. I don't respond, don't dare to say something wrong.
"Look," he finally fills the pounding silence. "I'm just trying to look out for Mia. She doesn't need men coming and going from her life. Don't you think she's been through enough? You've moved her from the only home she's ever known, taken her from her dad and forced her to live in a broken home. I just don't think throwing in a mixture of guys who she may or may not grow attachments to, who could very well pick up and bail tomorrow, isn't healthy for her. You've got to start thinking about more than yourself."
So many pieces of his words are bullshit. I didn't bring her into a broken home, I saved her from one. And I'm not parading around with a plethora of guys. I'm attaching myself to one. One who wouldn't bail tomorrow. I think. No, I know he wouldn't. Would he?
Maybe I am jumping into things. Getting Mia attached to someone when I don't even know where it's going. What happens if it doesn't work out? Does he just stop coming around? Does that affect things with Trevor's relationship with him? And how do I even begin to explain that to Mia? Why he's just suddenly not coming around, why she can't play with Stella anymore.
Dating used to be so simple. You like a guy, you go out, explore your feelings. Either those feelings blossom or they don't. When they don't, you move on and try it all over again. Having a kid changes that process. And the fact that she knows Tommy, that she's grown an attachment already, before I've even had a chance to figure out what we actually are, has immensely complicated things.
I know what Vince is doing, but the problem is, he's not completely wrong.
"I know, Vince," I finally break. "Mia comes first. She always has."
"Good," he replies with a sick sense of satisfaction. "I only want what's best for you, Amber. I know this isn't easy, but we have to think about her well-being before our own. No matter how difficult that may be sometimes."
After hanging up the phone, I stare at the screen, seeing my reflection looking back at me. That happiness I was just talking about, that feeling of freedom and independence, it's all been a facade. False hope. Because when it comes down to it, I'm not actually free. I may be able to choose the color of paint and the comforters for the beds, but I don't get to choose what I really want.
And what I want more than anything in this moment is to hear Tommy's voice. To feel his hand sliding into mine, calming the spiraling doubts and fears. I just want to be in my favorite place against his chest, listening to the rhythmic heartbeat that settles my own. That's all I want. And yet, that might be the very thing that I can't ever have.