TW minor panic attack
12
"Harry, Harry!" Louis yelled, running to catch Harry as he made his way across campus.
"Lou? What's wrong? You look panicked." Harry gave Louis a once over, visibly relaxing when he didn't notice any physical injuries.
"I'm ok. I mean I'm not, I mean, I just - I really have to say something to you if that's ok?" Louis began his spiel quickly, desperate to get what he needed to say off his chest.
"Yeah, yeah, of course, is this a sit-down conversation because -" Harry started, Louis cutting him off before he could finish.
First mistake.
"No. No, I'll be quick I promise." Louis assured nodding aggressively.
"Ok, um I'm just going to say it. Harry, we had no spark, no immediate chemistry, there was nothing. No kissing-in-the-rain-I'll-never-let-go-Jack moment, because that wasn't us, it's not us. We weren't meant to be this fiery passionate love story. We were meant to be this, the best kind, the slow burn that still keeps the attention of everyone, because, after all of it, the wait is so worth it. And just, ugh, Harry I can't even think, because all I can think about is how great you are and how suddenly every love song seems to be about you."
Louis gasped for air before continuing.
"And fuck Harry, at first I thought you were right and we were platonic soulmates, but I keep waking up thinking 'I love Harry, I. Love. Him.'"
The tears in Louis's eyes finally escaped and once they started there was nothing he could do to stop them.
"And I'm just tired of acting like this whole lack of everything at first was a permanent thing because it's not. Sometimes fire doesn't start with a spark, sometimes a fire starts after a painstaking process and lots and lots of sparks that fizzle out into nothing. All I know is I'm on fire right now, Harry, and I don't care how it started anymore. All I care about is the fact that I'm on fire and it's all because of you. It's all for you." Louis looked up to meet Harry's gaze, noticing how shocked the other boy looked, staring back at him, mouth agape and eyes wide.
"Louis...I thought we talked about this? I thought we agreed we were platonic soulmates... nothing more. Like Phoebe and Joey remember? Louis, I'm -" Harry stopped abruptly when he saw Louis' eyes refill with tears.
"Louis, I'm so sorry," Harry reached for Louis's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him, but dropped his hand and looked down at his watch instead, "I'm so sorry but I have to go."
Louis turned to leave, but before he could get far, words he immediately regretted spilled from his mouth, "Where, Harry? Where do you have to go?"
Second mistake.
Harry frowned, face contorting with the pain he knew he was about to cause Louis, "Don't make me answer that Lou."
"Don't call me that. Please." Louis begged.
Suddenly a new fire overtook him. Rage. Jealousy. All the other things that can burn deep inside you. The ugly things, the ones that create the type of fire that isn't carefully built to keep you warm. This fire was new, all-engulfing and burning so hot it hurt, blazing through everything inside of him eventually leaving him empty, with nothing but ash.
Leaving him cold.
Alone.
"Have fun on your date," Louis shouted his voice shaking far more than he had intended. He wanted to storm off to find Niall or Liam and Zayn. To find anyone who could make him feel a little bit better, a little bit less like a big jealous fool in love with someone who didn't want him. But he couldn't bring his feet to move, so instead, he listened to Harry walk away.
Louis let him walk away.
Third mistake.
✗ ✗ ✗
Louis raced back to the suite, stumbling along the way, vision blurred with tears. Finally tripping and falling over the uneven path, he was tempted to just stay there, the harshness of the concrete reflecting how he felt, but he heard Harry's words ring in his head again.
I thought we talked about this.
Like Phoebe and Joey remember?
Don't make me answer that Lou.
Louis pulled himself off the ground deciding that no matter how many students had cried here he was not going to be a courtyard crier.
No way.
Not when the phrase was corrupted with memories he'd rather forget.
Louis charged into his suite and slammed the door, not bothering to check if anyone was home before sinking to the floor leaning all his body weight on the door behind him.
He imagined this is what suffocating felt like, feeling all the oxygen leave your lungs and knowing that no matter how hard you tried you wouldn't be able to get more air.
He was hyperventilating and his vision was starting to go fuzzy.
Suddenly he was wrapped in something heavy, asking - no - begging him to take a deep breathe and listen to the sound of their voice.
It didn't take Louis long to realize he was actually wrapped in three somethings, as his friends eased him out of his panic.
"He doesn't..." Louis stuttered through his sobs.
"...date...he left...I'm Joey," Louis managed still sobbing as he stared at the wall across from him, unable to make eye contact with any of his boys.
"Hey, Louis? Do me a favor?" Liam asked in a soft voice.
"The picture over there, what's it of?" Liam prompted.
"It's the four of us when we first moved in our first year," Louis mumbled after what felt like an eternity of silence.
"Good, what's your favorite part of the picture?" Zayn asked encouraging Louis to speak more.
"I like how it wasn't a posed picture, but it looks like it was," Louis spoke up now looking Zayn in the eye.
"I like how it was something new and scary and we were there for each other just like we always are. And always will be." Niall nudged Louis's shoulder and Louis felt his lips turn up just the slightest.
"He's right Lou. We're always here, and what happened with Harry is painful and just shit, but we love you, and you will be ok, and maybe the pain will never go away but we'll be there to make it hurt less however we can." Zayn rested his head on Louis's shoulder, while Liam gave his arm a reassuring squeeze.
"Thank you guys, but Harry is Harry. He isn't just any other guy, he's my soulmate. And I just let him walk away," Louis squeaked out.
"Soulmates die, Louis. Soulmates cheat. And if the people who lost their soulmates that way can go on, I know you can too, because you're one of the strongest people I've ever met. So," Liam pat Louis' knee "the rest of our day is yours, what do you want to do?"
✗ ✗ ✗
The four of them ended up sitting in the courtyard outside, soaking in the unseasonable warmth, watching a "Best of Ross and Rachel" compilation on Zayn's laptop. Louis knew he needed to move on, he was still taking comfort in things that reminded him of Harry, and right now he was focusing his bitterness into his hatred of how they ended Ross and Rachel's storyline.
"You shouldn't have gotten off the plane Rachel, you should have gone and furthered your career or some shit, you could have fucked some French guys! WE DESERVE BETTER RACHEL!" Louis yelled at the screen. Seeing Zayn jump out of the corner of his eye.
And well,
Maybe he was still a teensy bit bitter.
Suddenly a voice broke Louis's trance, "We forgot about Monica and Chandler." Louis's head snapped up, just in time to catch the reflection of his friends scurrying away in the laptop screen.
Traitors.
"Monica once told Chandler that she would never date him, and look at how that turned out. Best couple of the show. By far. They just took a little while to get there." Harry continued making his way closer to Louis, who sat frozen in anticipation.
"YES! THINGS ARE HAPPENING PEOPLE!" Louis heard Niall yell before both Liam and Zayn slammed their hands over his mouth.
Harry stepped in front of the laptop forcing Louis to look at him, or, at the very least, his knees. "We're not Phoebe and Joey, Lou. We're Monica and Chandler. We can be Phoebe and Joey if you want, Joey gave up the thing he loved the most when Phoebe was pregnant just so she could have it, and always supported her. That girl was right, they would've been a nice couple, I would've been in support of that ending. I must admit though, the addition of Paul Rudd as a series regular was nice -"
"What about your date?" Louis asked, cutting off Harry's speech that was slowly developing into another opportunity for Harry to rave about Paul Rudd. He swallowed the lump in his throat and finally looked up at Harry with squinty eyes, the sun shining brightly behind him. If Louis had viewed Harry himself as his sunshine it was only fair that allowed himself to have this moment to pretend as if he actually were.
"Eh, I told him it didn't feel right. It's funny, we clicked right? Like it wasn't awkward, and dare I say there was a moment of a spark. But, I couldn't stop thinking about what someone said to me. What was it?" Harry scrunched his nose, "'Sometimes a fire starts after a painstaking process and lots and lots of sparks that fizzle out,'" Harry smiled as Louis wobbled to his feet, nearly faceplanting into the grass in his haste.
"Sparks are momentary, love, I much prefer a fire that's built to last." Harry smiled as he grasped Louis' hands in his and tugged on them gently, pulling Louis closer.
"You can't say things like that Harry, not when I want to be mad at you," Louis tightened his grip on Harry in fear that the boy would take his words literally and turn away.
"Say what? That I don't need a kissing-in-the-rain moment? That I just want someone to make fun of me for choosing Toadette? Or that I want someone who sleeps in blanket forts with me? Or that I want someone who yells at people who are creepy and touchy at clubs? That I just want you? Or say things like going on a date with someone else made me realize I am completely and utterly in love with you?" Harry questioned raising his eyebrows, swinging his and Louis's connected hands.
"Yeah. Things like that. You can't say things like that." Louis gulped and he felt all the blood rushing out of his face.
"Oh too bad I just did then," Harry giggled, "but I'm thinking if you don't want me saying those things you're not going to like what I'm about to say."
"And what is that?" Louis asked feeling a blush creep out and instantly all the blood rush back to his face.
"I would really really love to kiss you," Harry smirked holding back a laugh at Louis's face, the smaller boy rendered temporarily speechless for the first time in his life.
"You're right you can't say things like that either, but that would be good. I would be ok with that...yeah." Louis stumbled, and Harry rolled his eyes pulling Louis's chest to his.
Before Louis could take in what was going on around him, Harry started to lean in, and just as Louis thought he was getting his magic soulmate moment, Harry and Louis's faces crashed together.
"Ow," Louis rubbed his nose and Harry scrunched his in response.
It was silent for a moment before both boys broke out into laughter, "Why are we surprised? This is us." Louis hid his smile through pursed lips. Both boys' laughter faded into the background noise of the courtyard.
"Let's try that again," suddenly Harry pressed his lips to Louis's, and all of the sparks they had been lacking came out at once. Sure, the fire was already there, but this was like when a new log was added, and the fire pops and sparks fly everywhere, and when it all settles the fire is brighter and burning stronger than before.
"I'm sorry we didn't get our kissing in the rain rom-com magic moment," Louis whispered barely pulling away from Harry.
"I CAN FIX THAT! JUST KISS AGAIN! NIALLER'S GOT THIS ALL UNDER CONTROL! I PLANNED WITH AL!" They heard Niall yell, both of them completely forgetting about the audience they had and, quite frankly both a little shocked that Niall was able to hear Louis.
Louis shrugged pulling Harry back down but was nearly concussed when Harry's head jerked to the side, eyes wide, breaking out into hysterical laughter.
"Oh my God, he's insane!" Harry squeaked out in-between laughs, and Louis's gaze flew over to Niall, before locking eyes with a very panicked Zayn and Liam.
"I TOLD YOU TO KISS AGAIN! KISS GODDAMNIT!" Niall shrieked running with the hose from the campus utility shed in tow. Louis was relieved that Al wasn't around, because he was sure that he would have an eccentric quip about the sight unfolding before them.
"Well we should give the people what they want," Louis shrugged pulling Harry in once again, kissing less desperately and more like they knew this was permanent.
All of a sudden they were assaulted with a very strong stream of very, very, cold water.
"FUCK! SHIT OK, SO SORRY! IT WAS ON POWERWASH! HANG ON! WHAT THE FUCK AL? THIS COULD HURT SOMEONE! OK, I FOUND 'GENTLE SHOWER'! AND..." a still cold, but a far gentler shower of water rained over them, "RESUME ROM-COM MOMENT!" Niall yelled and Louis laughed as he watched Zayn bury his face in Liam's shoulder out of embarrassment (or maybe it was to hide his laughter but Zayn would never admit to that), and Liam pinching the bridge of his nose and laughed in fake annoyance.
"Let's let him have this," Harry mumbled pulling Louis in again.
Just as they were about to kiss again, Harry stopped.
"Lou, I don't think we're Monica and Chandler either," Harry whispered.
Louis felt himself go pale for the second time, Harry took notice and quickly finished, "We're Louis and Harry. And, fuck, that's so much better."
Louis swore he could've collapsed and melted into a puddle right there in the courtyard if Harry wasn't supporting his body weight, and before Louis could even blink Harry was kissing him again.
So, Louis stood there, kissing his soulmate, in the middle of a rain shower, on a rare cloudless day, with the water cascading on the two of them doing nothing to extinguish the fire they felt, struggling to think of a singular rom-com that had a moment this perfect.
He finally decided there wasn't one, that this was the perfect rom-com moment.
But it was real life, and the moment was all theirs.
END
ENDING note: This was the first chapter I wrote, I was watching Friends and got caught up with the idea of Joey and Phoebe being each other's soulmates but in the platonic sense of the word. I wanted to focus on that and have Harry have this "aha" moment at the end about how Monica and Chandler were so obviously soulmates but also lacked romantic chemistry for what? four whole seasons? I couldn't think of another well-known show that had all the dynamics so alas I stuck with Friends.
When I started writing this I was re-watching Friends and now as I wrap it up I'm rewatching Gossip Girl...what can I say I'm a sucker for my city. Which is why I want to say that representation always, always, always, matters especially in places as ethnically, culturally, racially, and sexually diverse as NYC. I apologize for anytime our city was depicted as anything other than how it is.
Enjoy the (short, but Friends reference-free) epilogue!