Author's Note: This story is pretty heavy, so I want to make sure you all are properly advised. It discusses trauma that Levi experienced while witnessing his mother's work in the Underground. There is no smut, but it is implied that certain things happened to her. Additionally, this story includes borderline non-consent, flashbacks/blackouts, and anxiety as a result of trauma. Please don't read this if any of those things are triggers for you.
(Levi)
(F/n) and Levi slid into a table at the edge of the crowded tavern, not bothering to hide how close they were. Practically everyone in the military, if not all of humanity, was aware that they were dating by now. It wasn't that the couple made a big show of it – actually, they were quite subdued in public – but given that Levi was Humanity's Strongest Soldier, gossip about him tended to travel fast.
The most recent scuttlebutt that had reached Levi's ears was that (f/n) "wore the pants" in their relationship – meaning she was the one in charge. Truthfully, neither of them were "in charge", so to speak. They weren't giving each other orders, or anything so extreme. However, Levi did put (f/n) and her wishes first, and since he wasn't experienced in romance, she was typically the one initiating things.
Levi liked it that way. He enjoyed the chance to play second fiddle for once in his life. Moreover, it was refreshing to be with someone who treated him as an equal, who wasn't afraid to joke with him or roast him a bit – all from a place of love, of course. Perhaps this was what had the rumor mill so perplexed, because everyone else thought of Levi as intimidating, frightening, and untouchable. They would never dare to interact with him as a normal human being, so when (f/n) did, it seemed more extreme than it actually was.
On top of that, she did tend to dote upon him a bit. She kept it to a minimum while they were in public, because Levi did have to uphold some portion of his reputation. However, there was a little fixing-his-cravat here, a little calling-him-handsome there. Again, Levi enjoyed it, and the feeling of being taken care of for once in his life left him with a cartload of butterflies in his chiseled stomach. However, given that the rest of the population saw Levi as an invulnerable god who never needed to be defended or cared for, the sight of (f/n) catering to him was probably quite a shock.
Tonight, the fact that they were out-of-uniform lent them a shred of anonymity. However, that was countered by the fact that most of the patrons could recognize their faces, given that this tavern was a favorite spot for soldiers. Its proximity to the barracks made it quite convenient for them to come here in their off hours – trading their uniforms for casual clothes and a few drinks to make them forget the monsters outside.
The pair tried to ignore the occasional stares or whispers in favor of enjoying their time together. They worked their way through a couple of drinks, chatting and joking amicably. When the night grew dark and they ordered a tea cake to share, (f/n) didn't waste the opportunity to dote upon Levi, feeding him a spoonful of the delicious treat. Levi cast a quick glance around the room, noting that everyone else seemed absorbed by their own drinks and companions, before shyly accepting the spoon.
After (f/n) placed the spoon back on the dish, she used a napkin to wipe the single crumb that had gotten on Levi's cheek. Levi felt the familiar flutter of butterflies in his stomach as she cleaned him, but their warmth quickly ran cold when he heard a chorus of snickers from the table next to theirs. He had been too absorbed in (f/n)'s attention to notice when three pairs of eyes started watching them shortly after she picked up the napkin.
Levi recognized the onlookers as MP's, though they were currently in plainclothes, just like all the other patrons. Their flushed faces and glazed-over eyes made it clear that they were drunk, and apparently, that made them forget their typical fear of the captain. They certainly didn't seem at all hesitant to interrupt his and (f/n)'s meal.
"Never thought I'd see Captain Levi so whipped," one of them barked with a laugh.
"Stuff it, toad-face," (f/n) snapped without missing a beat. "Mind your own business."
The MP's only chuckled, causing (f/n) to tense up. Levi wasn't too happy about it either, but he placed a hand on her arm and murmured, "It's better if we ignore them."
(F/n) nodded her head, agreeing with him even though she clearly wasn't thrilled with the idea. After all, most of the people here knew they were Scouts, and getting into a fight could reflect poorly on their regiment. As annoying as it was, they would have to refrain from giving those pigs what they deserved.
But even though the couple turned their faces away, the MP's wouldn't quit. When they noticed that (f/n) and Levi were purposefully ignoring them, they rose from their chairs and went to stand at the couple's table. In fact, they were so close that Levi could smell the alcohol wafting around them.
"Say, Levi, does she tie your shoes for you, too?" one of them drawled, igniting a chorus of laughter from the others.
(F/n) discretely asked Levi if he wanted to leave, and he nodded. It was clear that the MP's were intent on bothering them, and with fighting off the table, this was the best option. Together, they stood and turned to go.
"Hey...hey, Levi!" one of the MP's slurred. "Do you call her 'Mommy'?"
His companions thought the idea was hilarious. They proceeded to add in their own mocking comments – getting progressively lewder with each sentence. All the while, they were laughing so obnoxiously that they could barely get the words out.
(F/n) shook her head in disgust. She reached for Levi's hand, eager to leave these irritating pigs behind them. However, Levi stood frozen, his eyes staring at nothing, that one word resonating with him in the worst possible way.
Mommy.
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While he was once again playing in the dusty hallways by himself, Levi found a small, colorful object on the ground. Thinking that his mother would like it, he rushed back to the room they shared, excited to show it to her as soon as possible. Already, he was picturing the delighted look on her face when he handed her such a pretty present.
He pushed open the door, happily announcing, "Mommy, look what I –"
He stopped suddenly when he realized they weren't alone. A man was here, looming over his mother on the bed. And rather than her usual, tender smile, Kuchel wore a devastated expression as she stared at her son.
"Levi!" she gasped "Go back outside!"
However, Levi remained frozen, not understanding the sight in front of him, but feeling the wrongness of it anyway. It frightened him. "Mommy, what's going on?" he quavered.
"Levi..." Kuchel began, her tone pleading. Then she turned to the man on top of her. "Please, just wait until he leaves."
But the man only laughed, coarse and cruel. "I don't think so, Mommy," he drawled. "I'm on a schedule, and I'm getting what I paid for."
Levi could only stand there, paralyzed, forced to watch what happened next. His mother was begging him to leave, begging the cruel man to wait, but her pleas went unanswered. Instead, the man held her down roughly, chuckling as he muttered the most awful things.
"Do you like that, Mommy?"
"That's right, show the boy what a slut his mommy is."
"Open up nice and wide, Mommy. Let the kid see where he came from."
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"Levi!"
He was yanked back to reality by the shout of a familiar voice. He blinked, gradually registering his surroundings. He was on top of one of the MP's, one had around his throat, the other raised to hit him – not for the first time, apparently, since the pig's face was already bloody. However, on the arm that was raised, Levi felt a gentle touch, holding him back. He could have easily broken free if he wanted to, but that touch calmed and grounded him, allowing him to see things clearly.
"Levi, please stop!" (f/n) begged.
He jumped back, appalled at what he had done. It wasn't so much the beating – which he had performed many times before, and which the MP deserved – but the fact that he couldn't remember doing it. Additionally, everyone in the tavern was now staring at him, and most of them recognized who he was. This was very, very bad.
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(You)
Levi left the tavern as fast as he could without running. You called after him, but he didn't stop, and in the next second, he had disappeared from your sight completely. God, how had things gotten so out of hand?
You turned to the MP's, not feeling the slightest bit of sympathy. "If you ever speak to him like that again, the pain you feel now will seem trivial compared to what I do to you," you muttered icily, meaning every word.
Then you took off after Levi.
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You didn't catch up with the ravenette until you reached his bedroom at the barracks, knocking softly before using the key he had given you to let yourself inside. As you shut the door behind you, you took the opportunity to observe Levi. He had already cleaned the MP's blood from his hand, and he was now pacing around the room like a caged animal.
"Levi, what's wrong?" you asked gently, feeling a knot tighten in your chest.
"Tch," he hissed, not even looking at you as he continued pacing. "I beat a man's face in, and you're asking me what's wrong?" He shook his head. "Well, I guess you could say there's something wrong with me. Maybe I am insane, after all."
"That's not what I mean," you replied, keeping your voice calm, hoping it would soothe his agitation. "There's nothing wrong with you. Clearly, something happened to upset you, and since we're both used to dealing with taunts by now, I don't think it's as simple as that. Will you please help me understand?"
Levi growled in frustration, then snapped, "How can you stand there and make excuses for me?"
You sighed sadly, knowing that he wasn't angry at you, but at himself. "It's not that I'm making excuses. It's...God, I'm terrible at explaining this," you muttered, trying to find the right words to convey the distinction that you intuitively understood. "But...there's a difference between 'making excuses' and recognizing that you're human. No one is perfectly invulnerable – not even you – and it's not fair to expect yourself to have it all together every second of every day. Besides, I know you, and I know you aren't crazy. I know there's a good reason why you reacted the way you did. So will you please tell me what's wrong? I just want to help you."
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(Levi)
Levi stopped pacing as (f/n)'s words hit home. For one, he wasn't used to having people assume that he wasn't insane, and furthermore, that he was just as human as everyone else. On top of that, he had been so afraid that his outburst would drive away the one person who truly understood and cared about him. To hear those fears proven untrue by her loving words...it was overwhelming.
Yet, now that he was standing still, that anxious energy had to get out in other ways. His body started to shake uncontrollably, and his breaths became labored and shallow. Too quickly, he was falling apart.
Seeing his distress, (f/n) immediately stepped toward him, wrapping him in a tight hug and holding him together. Her lack of hesitation was further proof to Levi that she wasn't scared of him, that she wasn't worried he would go off at the drop of a hat. And because she believed that he wasn't dangerous or deranged, he found it easier to believe those things himself.
He clutched her tightly, letting her ground him, letting her bring him back from the verge of an anxiety attack. In addition to his worries about scaring her away, his flashback had dragged many indescribably terrible feelings to the surface. The storm of emotions was nearly enough to shatter him, but it didn't – not with (f/n) here, wrapping him in her love.
When Levi finally stopped shaking, (f/n) helped him sit down on the bed before taking the spot next to him. She kept her side pressed against his, still providing that connection to the here and now. Levi could sense her patiently waiting for him to speak.
Still feeling ashamed at his lack of control, and shaken by that long-ago trauma, he was unable to look at her while he explained the memory that the MP's taunts had dragged to the surface. As he spoke, his hands started to tremble as he felt himself being pulled back to that horrible moment. However, no sooner did the tremors start than (f/n) took his hands in her own, grounding him, preventing him from reliving the memory while he described it to her.
When he was finished, (f/n) squeezed his hands comfortingly. "I'm so sorry, Levi," she spoke, not out of pity, but out of sadness and love.
He swallowed, fighting against the frightened lump that had formed in his throat. Then he stammered, "When those MP's said...that word...when they said all those things about you, I...I couldn't take it – the image of that happening to you. I just...blacked out. And when I came to, I didn't even remember hitting him. I was just...there...and it had already happened."
His eyes remained fixed on the floor. He was still ashamed of his lack of control, still terrified that it might happen again. Already, he knew there would be terrible consequences from this incident. Even if Erwin could keep him from being court martialed, the commander would still be expected to punish him severely. Perhaps he would even be demoted.
Levi was pulled from those dark thoughts by the surprise he felt as (f/n) knelt in front of him, still holding his hands in her own.
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(You)
Slowly, carefully, you knelt on the floor in front of Levi, looking up into his downcast eyes.
"Listen to me," you murmured, holding his gaze, your voice comforting and resolute. "Your reaction was perfectly understandable. You are not insane, and I am not afraid of you, nor will I ever be. And I promise you – I swear – that word and that dynamic will never be part of our relationship."
Levi's eyes had widened a fraction, and you watched tears fill them at your vow, at the reassurance that he would always be safe with you. More than that, your total acceptance of his needs conveyed that he himself didn't have to feel ashamed of them. They were understandable – natural. They weren't an indication of a fault within himself.
In an affirming gesture, you gently brushed your thumbs across his hands. Then you added, "Also, you don't need to worry about me being mistreated like your mother was – because you will never be like that man you saw with her. That man was the absolute worst scum of the earth, but you're good, Levi. You are gentle, and respectful, and loving, and you make me feel like a queen. I will always be safe with you."
Levi's bottom lip quavered, but he swallowed down the tears and nodded, showing that he understood.
You gave him a small smile, then leaned up to caress his lips with your own. It began as a soft, tender kiss – a physical communication to let his body feel the security you had promised him. However, that gentle contact quickly evolved into something heated. Levi still had a lot of built-up anxious energy that needed to come out, and his body instinctively took advantage of the opportunity that your touch provided.
You met Levi in that place, allowing things to progress naturally. By doing so, you figured that you could kill two birds with one stone, so to speak. You could give him an outlet while at the same time reinforcing the truth that yours was a healthy and loving relationship – not at all like what he saw back then. And rather than being overwhelmed by trauma, Levi had the pleasure of being showered with your sincere, never-ending affection.
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Afterward, exhaustion hit Levi like a titan's fist – which was to be expected in the wake of a flashback followed by an anxiety attack.
Carefully, you tucked him into bed, making sure he was comfortable. Despite everything that had happened tonight, you couldn't help smiling a little at how adorable he looked – sleepy and full of bliss. You were glad that you were able to soothe those broken pieces of his heart until they felt whole and happy.
You brushed your fingers through his disheveled hair, not fixing it so much as cherishing its softness. Then you leaned down to whisper, "I'm going to explain things to Erwin. I'll take care of everything, and then I'll come right back. So just relax and don't worry, okay?"
Levi nodded, keeping his eyes closed, those beautiful dark lashes resting lightly atop his pale cheeks. His demeanor conveyed that he wasn't at all concerned, because he knew he could trust you to do exactly what you said you would. The fact that you were reliable was just one of the many reasons why he loved you, after all.
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(Levi)
He must have fallen asleep, but he was aware of (f/n) crawling into bed next to him, pulling him into her arms. Barely conscious, he nestled into her – the desire to be close to her as instinctive as the need to breathe. Comforting softness enveloped him like a cocoon, emanating from both the bed and her body, inviting him to sink back into blissful slumber.
He didn't think, didn't bother pulling himself out of that beautiful slide sideways. For once, it was easy to give in. As he let oblivion take him, he simply enjoyed how safe and warm he felt, cradled in the embrace of someone who loved him dearly.