I made up a habit because of him. I told him that when someone brushed their teeth I couldn't stop staring, and not to confess to myself that it was actually the case, I practiced staring at people who brushed their teeth — including myself, because once he asked that with a smile on his face and I said yes, his smile stretched into a grin, and then a lovely laugh. It doesn't work that well of course, it's not a pleasant thing to do, watching foam dance all over people's mouths. But when it comes to finding an excuse to watch him without being creepy... it works perfectly. It works perfectly, so why not go along with it? Especially when he thinks I get annoyed by him taking too long to brush his teeth cuz I won't be able to able to stop starinng at him cuz I have this stupid obsession (no I don't), and when he does it even more to annoy me cutely, I can't help but play along. Don't blame me, I didn't ask him to be that cute.
Then there are those very occasional mornings when he throws his head down and looks at me from the upper bunk bed with a sleepy face that I can't stop ogling. There is no cuter version of that little upside-down lazy laugh, because he is unique in every way like that.
There were a few two days when we seemed to be getting along calmly well. And that meant dangerously too, because when he is calm he is way more unbearable. When he is calm he is cuter than usual and a bit more clingy. He was never clingy towards me, but when he lazily spreads over the chair across the table and giggles to himself about something completely ridiculous, it's enough to melt me from the inside.
We were discussing two nights ago about bicuriosity with Jimin hyung, Tae hyung and Yugyeom. We asked each other which one of us was the likeliest to try out something with a boy if we were allowed to be attracted to the same gender. It was an irresistible opportunity and somehow with my furtive I-don't-mind-at-all aura I was able to sneak in a question to him:
"Would you try it?"
He shrugged in the most mindless way (too) and said that of course he would. Why would he not, if he was allowed to try? Goddamn it, me too I said. I don't know if he put thought into it, but I meant it. I guess if I knew that he was bi or less, and there wasn't my family holding me back, I would probably tell him that I liked him and that maybe even had a crush on him. I would make it sound like it wasn't a big deal, and when he laughed maybe I would occasionally tell him to stop cuz he was making my heart flutter and that was mean for some reason I don't know about. I would be really mature about it, maybe he'd be impressed and amused that there was a boy that liked him and maybe he'd try being cute and enjoy seeing my red cheeks, cuz I'd probably not hide them like I do now.
Man, there is a lot to talk about, a lot to ponder.
Even though I won't do anything about it, I'll just put it out there that I feel lucky to be in the same room with him. If not, I don't think I'd be able to hang out with him as friends, because he is way too cool of a person and I feel small and lame around him. Who am I to read his personality out for him and tell him what I think about him, when he is this god of beauty and all the positive amazing things that I'm not and probably will never be? I can only pretend to have my mind gone blank and blink a couple of times and then shrug with an 'I swear I can't think of anything', praying that my swearing doesn't result in bad karma that catches boys who lie.
Sigh. This is my life right now. It's pretty cuz he is in the frame, although he is not in the center because I won't be that rude to myself and ruin my life by fantasizing about something that won't happen. I'll just have fun with him as much as I can, and continue pretending I'm this mean weirdo that utters hurtful words from time to time. Like how I did last night when he showed me the hair band that he bought. I told him it was awful, and I swear to god — and this is true I swear — it looked like a king's wife type of funny hair band, a little skewed in the center of it. I directly laughed at the band and said what I was thinking,
"It looks awful what the fuck".
But then...
Then he panicked because he had liked that band when he bought it and went on to show me a picture of him wearing the band in a skating ring.
Gosh, I think my left and right brain changed sides when I stared well enough. My mouth might have angelled open a few inches too and my eyeballs might have sprung a bit forward. And I'm sure this time I couldn't hide it, it was fucking obvious that I was whipped.
So I went ahead and became a little jerk for the countless times that I did by now. I used that shocked expression on my face to convey that oh my god, it was really bad and that was the absolute reason why I was this speechless. Fuck, he got sad and I hated myself for a first few seconds, then felt guilty for the rest of the night, and regretted everything when he stared at me blankly the next morning. I had pulled off being the perfect jerk because I was fucking vulnerable upon being caught off guard by his cuteness that could embrace everything — even the most horrible things — and so I had to disguise that by ruining his mood.
Is he going to ever wear that head band again? I don't know. Maybe he would, because obviously he looks good with it, everybody else tells so and he has pretty good eye sight to trust the mirror. But it would cross his mind, my hysterical laughter and mean words that degraded that innocent hair band of his. Maybe he would hesitate? I don't know, maybe he would try convincing me that it didn't look that bad just to make sure that he had all the right reasons to put it on. If he put it on, well he would be lucky to be the most beautiful boy walking the streets that day. If not, no loss. Maybe not everyone deserves to see that cute and pretty side of his, because it is, indeed, quite priceless.
That's why I am lucky, because I absolutely did no work, on the contrary acted like a bitch, yet I was blessed with it.
And here he goes, thinking that I don't care about him or value him.
You'd never know, Jimin hyung. And maybe you wouldn't want to. Maybe you'd freak out if you did. Maybe... well it doesn't matter. I guess I'll never know, too.