Turkey roasting in the oven, potatoes boiling on the stove, and football blasting from the living room. All things that remind me of Thanksgiving at home. I've missed the sounds of laughter rattling the walls in a home full of family. Thanksgiving in New York, while beautiful, was always empty. I cooked the same meal my mom made us every year, but there's something about cooking in a quiet house that eradicates the sense of joy the holiday has the potential of exuding.
This very aspect is the reason I made sure Tommy was here with us. I know what it's like to spend this day nearly alone. Vince usually spent most of the day with colleagues watching the game while I worked endlessly in the kitchen to provide the perfect meal. He always showed up just in time to eat and a bottle of whiskey in. I always expected it, prepared for it. And because of that, Thanksgiving was always a lonely holiday, even with Mia by my side. She's always been my only light in the dark night.
But now, now I'm surrounded by people, trying to maneuver my way around an already tight kitchen. My mom is busy pulling out and arranging all of the different salads we prepared last night while Lacy is attempting to do something with the potatoes. I'm not exactly sure what her end goal is here, but I thought the plan was mashed potatoes. Whatever it is she's doing seems to be deviating from that plan. When her eyes catch mine she lets out a deep breath, shrugging her shoulders in clear defeat. She is full of many talents, talents that I do not possess, but cooking is most definitely not one of them. Bless her heart for trying though.
I walk around the counter relieving her from such a high stakes task. I can see the look of relief wash over her as she takes a thankful step back. She reaches for the rolls now, placing them into the basket. That seems like a much more suitable task.
As I begin to mash the potatoes, a small movement outside catches my eye. A ball flies across the grass and not soon after a golden ball of fluff launches into view. I can't help but laugh at the tiny swirl of blonde hair now running after Stella. Tommy had asked if he could bring Stella with him today, and I knew without hesitation that Mia would be ecstatic over it. She hasn't left the yard since the moment Tommy walked in the door. Though their interactions are beyond adorable and seem to have me seriously questioning why I am still saying no to Mia having a dog, that is not where the majority of my focus is at the moment.
What I can't seem to keep my eyes or mind off of is the fact that Tommy has been in that yard playing with Mia and Stella this entire time. Trevor started out there with them both, but eventually he gave into the pull of the football game, joining our dad in the living room. I even went out there to let Tommy know she would be fine by herself, that I had a clear view of her from the kitchen. But he hasn't left. Not only that, but the honest smile on his face this entire time has something in me melting. I watch as Mia picks up the ball now, attempting to throw it across the yard. It takes a very peculiar route to the right before dropping only a few strides away from her.
Tommy quickly reaches for the ball, placing it back in Mia's hand and kneeling beside her. I can't quite tell what he's saying, but his hand pulls back, motioning a throw. Mia's eyes are glued to him and she slowly nods her head. She pulls her arm back and I can see him adjust her elbow slightly before saying something else. As he nods his head, her arm flies forward, sending the ball across the yard. Okay, so it wasn't all the way across, but my girl just threw a fucking liner. That warm patter of my heart ignites. A very proud mama moment washes over me, but a whole other swell of emotions take flight as Tommy jumps up with his arms in the air. Mia jumps with him as they both do some ridiculous celebration before ending with a high five.
They continue this same routine. Stella chases the ball, returning it to Mia's feet. Tommy shows her how to raise her hand, motioning for Stella to sit. As soon as she does, Mia cranks back her arm, letting the ball sail through the air time and time again.
My eyes fall back on Tommy now. I continue to watch as he kneels down to Mia's height. He always seems to have something to tell her between throws, and if I know Mia, she has plenty to tell him too. What seems to catch my eye now though is the small flex of his muscle as he reaches for the ball. He slowly stands, pulling his arm back to reveal the angled lines of his forearm and tenses of muscle across his back, muscles that his shirt seems to be clinging to at the moment.
"You know," Lacy interrupts, causing me to jump and send pieces of mashed potatoes into my hair. I can hear her laughing and I can't help but do the same. I know I've been caught. "I don't think my mashed potato skills were that far off now that I see your strategy."
I glance down at the mess in front of me. I've failed to add anything to them, simply letting the dry spuds cling to the mixer.
"Sorry, I wasn't...I..."
"I know," Lacy smiles before sliding me the milk and butter. "But what I didn't know was that drool was the secret ingredient," she smirks.
I reach for a carrot from the veggie tray and launch it at her. She dodges it with a laugh. I guess there's no denying that my thoughts have officially been taken over by the exceedingly handsome and, let's face it, downright sexy specimen that is Tommy Sallow.
Thankfully, the potatoes are salvageable and Lacy agrees not to mention the near fiasco. We manage to make it through dinner with more laughs and stories of family that I have truly missed. Of course, Mia has requested she sit between Tommy and me. Something that seems to be our new tradition. I'm pretty sure she's secretly trying to steal my man.
Wow. My man.
That's the first time I've ever let my thoughts circle around those words. Is that what he is? Is that what I want him to be? Does agreeing to go slow with someone give you claim over them? The answer to those questions is one that continues to bounce between my heart and my head. Although, I know which one is winning.
After dinner, my parents take off for the Black Friday sales. At least they used to be Friday sales. Every year the start time gets earlier and earlier until it inevitably lands itself on Thanksgiving day itself. My mom never had been one to turn down the potential savings of a good sale price. I, on the other hand, would prefer to avoid the mass mobs and enjoy my turkey coma in the comforts of my own home. But hey, to each their own.
The rest of us spend the next couple of hours playing a few rounds of Candy Land followed by an overly competitive game of Uno. One that Mia and I end up winning, though I'm pretty sure the fact that we were sandwiched between my brother and Tommy and neither of them seemed to have the heart to give her a draw card is the real reason for our victory. But hey, a win is a win.
I end up putting Mia to bed well past her bedtime, bypassing her bath. She doesn't even make it two pages into the story she picked out before her eyes are sealed shut and her head is heavily resting on my shoulder. I give her one more kiss before joining the party.
The thing about being with friends again, with my brother, is that I actually feel like I'm living again. I forgot how good it felt to laugh, a genuine smile that I can't seem to keep off of my face lately. It's not just that I'm happy either, it's that I feel free to actually feel this way. Like I can enjoy these moments without waiting for the dam to break open. I know that this night can just be what it is, a good time with family and friends, and...more than friends? I would like to think that that's where Tommy and my relationship lies. Somewhere in that space between. We've agreed we feel more than just friendship and the way my body is aching for his touch right now is evidence of that. It's my fragile past that keeps creeping in, preventing me from taking that final step.
It's not until just before midnight that everyone makes their way out to the front. Lacy and Trevor say their goodbyes before climbing into his car and taking off. I bend to give Stella a few good rubs before Tommy calls her to the car. Her tail wags excitedly as she leaps inside.
He closes the door, taking a few strides in my direction, causing a spread of giddy school girl nerves to weave its way throughout my gut.
"So, I'll see you Saturday?" he asks, referring back to our plans for him to help me move. The furniture is actually getting delivered that morning and the movers will take care of most of it, but I could always use the extra hands. At least that's the story I'm going with.
"Yes," I nod, smiling a ridiculous smile as he takes another step forward. "Thanks for keeping Mia company today," I say before I forget. It meant more to me than I think he knows.
"Are you kidding?" he laughs. "I'm pretty sure she was the one keeping me company."
His sincere smile has mine widening. "You seemed to have made quite the impression," I add, thinking back to my conversation with her while changing her into her pajamas. "She's already asking me if she can play baseball."
"Is that so?" I see his smile widening now too. It's a proud smile, one that is not too far off from the one I had watching Mia throw that ball earlier.
I realize in this moment that there's still a lot of things I don't know about him. Things I am suddenly very interested in knowing. We've talked a lot on our weekly walks. Most of those conversations have been about his sisters or his nieces. Sometimes he mentions his mom, but mostly he stays a bit closed off. The topics seem to center more around his time in California.
Aching to know more about him, I begin to test the waters of his past. "Yes. Is that something you and your dad did together growing up?"
He hesitates, his body growing a bit more rigid in front of me. "No. I didn't learn much of anything from my dad."
The ice laced throughout his tone tells me there's a lot more to that story. A lot more that I'm slowly beginning to realize has shaped the man in front of me. I guess what I've been beginning to see is that everyone has a past. Sometimes it's something that has inspired the decisions we make and sometimes it's something that has forced our hand.
Based on the sudden tense of his muscles, I decide to leave this one sitting for now. I know what it's like to have things you'd prefer to keep hidden. And they deserve to stay that way until you're ready to share them.
"Well, I'm glad you took the time to show her something new. Maybe spark a new love for her. Something that's completely different and exciting from what she had in New York."
I look up at him now, letting his eyes settle on mine. Letting him see that I've also found something here. Something completely different than what I've ever had. He continues to watch me, to gather his intel. Seeing everything I'm saying without actually giving him a word.
I like the way it feels to be seen by him. When his hand begins to move up, I don't flinch. Instead, there's a sense of anticipation, a swarm of butterflies taking residence in my stomach at watching his slow movement. It glides to my face and my heart fails to beat for a brief moment. His fingers ever so slightly graze my forehead as he tucks a loose strand of hair behind my ear. I fight the urge to lean into his hand.
"I like your hair like this," he whispers, letting his hand linger on my cheek.
Wearing my hair down is a new thing for me. The fact that he not only noticed the change, but appears to enjoy it, causes a flush of pink to fill my cheeks. I quickly break his gaze as I attempt to hide the evidence of what he does to me. His hand gently pulls my face back to his.
"Hey," he whispers again, slightly ducking his head to catch my eyes with his. "Don't hide. I happen to like seeing that I can make you blush."
As the heat begins to build in more places than just my cheeks, I hold his eyes. I let him continue to see me, to really see what I've spent years tucking away. Because standing here with him, feeling his thumb slide across my reddening face, I feel safe. Safe to be me, safe to feel, safe to fall.
I am suddenly very aware of how close we are. "Tommy," I whisper, fighting every instinct begging to pull his face to mine.
"I know," he whispers back, pulling me against his chest, taking away the temptation to move past the safety net of slow. I'm thankful he knows how to read me without me needing to say anything.
Except, I do feel the need to say one thing as I nestle into his firm chest. A chest that I've grown to gain comfort in. One that I crave way more often than I ever thought possible. One that I am just now questioning how I've managed to walk the beach with every single week but have yet to actually see. Lacy would be so disappointed in my womanly persuasion. Though, I have a feeling if I actually tried to implement it, I would be able to accomplish a lot of those desires swimming around my head.
I press my head against him, sliding my hand up his back. The feel of each muscle reacting to my touch has my head spinning in all kinds of glorious visions.
"I'm pretty sure this is my new favorite place to be," I say, letting him hear the actual words this time.
I can feel him smile against me, instantly making me wonder if I've managed to share some of those rose tinted cheeks with him. His arms tighten around me now as his hand begins to explore its own path across my back.
"It's a good thing it's all yours then," he says now, sending that newfound wave of electricity down my body.
Standing here with him, holding one another may seem like the simplest thing in the world. A moment of two friends saying goodbye, but the emotions and tingling fire coursing through me tell me that this is anything but casual. And if this is what slow feels like, I can only imagine what will happen when I take my foot off the brake.