Ch.16
You love Hoseok. The urge to fall asleep disappeared from you in that moment. Forgetting completely about your father, your mind was consumed with the realization. You had feelings for Hoseok. There was no question about it at this point. With how Hoseok makes you feel with his presence alone, it's easy to see there was something there. You've never felt this way about anyone. All the teasing and joking about falling for him became real. It wasn't a huge surprise to you yet at the same time it left you stunned. It made sense and then again...when did it happen? When did you fall for Hoseok?
There was no sleeping. That was completely thrown out the window as you moved over to your sewing room. Pressing the intercom, you asked for food to be brought into the room. It didn't take long for a butler to knock on your door and place a plate on your desk for you. Food while you looked back on all your moments with Hoseok. You wanted to pinpoint exactly when it happened though it was hard to make sense of it when the two of you are always flirting and acting like a couple!
Eunhyuk was right to be suspicious. There was something going on which you finally noticed. There was no point in denying it nor would you ever want to. This is great! It's thrilling, exciting, and magical. You're in love with your best friend. What could be better than that? Of course, there were those few reminders in the back of your head. Telling you that you were engaged, Father wouldn't allow it, and how Hoseok's financial status makes it hard for the both of you to connect at times. None of that mattered to you in the end though! You hate Seokjin, Father can cry a river, and you don't care if Hoseok is poor. Nothing can stop true love!
That's assuming Hoseok loves you back. Did he? Considering how he mutually returns your flirts and gets affectionate with you, why not? He could quite possibly like you back just as much. Even just the simple thought of hearing Hoseok reciprocate your feelings had flowers blooming in your chest. You felt alive. You could breathe clearly with the world full of colors. As long as there was Hoseok in your life, there was light. He was your sunshine that you were greedy to keep for as long as you could. He's changed your life so much and for the better. While not everything was perfect, everything felt possible because of him.
Hoseok studied hard and managed to get into your private school and into FIT against the odds. That inspired you to work hard with your own goals. You had the drive and motivation already. There was no time to let go of it. If you had Hoseok's strength and perseverance, one day you'll break free from the Kang family. Hoseok made you realize that there is strength inside of you. So far you haven't had the courage to put it to use and how to go about it, but it's there. You don't feel crazy around Hoseok. He takes the time to listen to you. He believes in you and not once has he ever shamed you for being yourself. He's never criticized your talking habits, your femininity, or made harmful assumptions about you.
Compared to all the men you're close to—and you say close loosely—Hoseok is the only one who genuinely cares for you. He's a true friend. He's done more than your own Father, brother, and fiancé. As much as you wished you could love your family and love your fiancé, you didn't get your fairytale happy ending with them. You weren't born into a loving family or given a healthy relationship. You were surrounded by monsters instead. That didn't stop you from dreaming and wanting your own happy ending. Becoming a designer was always the end goal and it still is. Just now, maybe you can share that happy ending with someone else too.
It had you squealing like an absolute madman. If Mansu had an inkling that you were deranged, he was convinced of it now. There was nothing in front of you during the entire ride over to FIT the next day. You didn't even have your phone out to stare down at. No scrolling through Instagram or watching videos on YouTube. Just you in your own world, watching everything pass by through your window. Mansu could be nervous all he wants. In the end, you were humming and skipping away on the FIT campus in a cold shoulder pink frill layered dress with ruffles. You'll never know why he finds you so intimidating. You weren't in the least bit scary right now. You're in love!
"He loves me, he loves me not~!" You plucked the petals from a flower you had found on a bush. It had caught your attention, calling out to you in your lovesick state. Next thing you know, you were singing to yourself and playing this little game of fate. The petals were disappearing fast when you made it to the last one. Your manicured fingers ripping it off eagerly, grinning ear to ear at the final verdict. "HE LOVES ME! HE LOVES ME EVERYONE!" You shouted in delight to the entire campus.
Bouncing around, you held your arms out as you waited for the congratulations and the applause. People only glanced over at you with bewildered and judgmental gazes. Tough crowd. Although there weren't that many people around you to begin with. A lot of them had already walked past you to enter the building. It didn't really matter to you as long as you got to see Hoseok! After your very important discovery last night, he has been all you can think about! That wasn't really different from usual but this time you let yourself wonder about what could happen. Futures dates, relationship milestones, and also just being able to call him your boyfriend without it being a joke. You wanted nothing more for it to be real.
"(F/n)!" Hoseok called out to you. Dropping the stem of the flower, you turned immediately to the sound of Hoseok. He came from the direction of the bus stop, casually waving with that charming smile of his. He had quite the audacity to approach you wearing a white button up shirt that exposed his collarbones. Mainly with the weight of his closed sunglasses tugging the material down. He also wore skinny light blue jeans with a few rips in them. The exposed flesh was too much for you, but you were loving it. "Were you waiting long for me?" Hoseok adjusted the tote bag on his shoulder as you ran over to him in your sandal wedges.
"Hoseokie!!" You jumped to hug the male. Hoseok opened his arms to catch you as always, laughing at how excited you got to see him. Even when he spent the whole day with you yesterday, he constantly received these warm welcomes. Hoseok tightened his grip on you instinctively, picking you up to spin you. Carefully, Hoseok set you back down with a content smile on his face. "I have some very important news to tell you!"
"Oh really?" Hoseok kept his hands resting on your hips. He tilted his head curiously as you rested your hands on his shoulders. Nodding your head enthusiastically at him, you could feel your heart ready to burst.
"I love you, Hoseok! Like a lot and not like a friend. I mean it romantically and I want to take you out on a date too if you'll let me!" You bounced on your toes as the smile on Hoseok's face shrank the smallest bit. He became tense, hands now hovering over your hips as he hesitated to take a step away from you.
"W-What?" His eyes had grown twice their size.
"You see, last night after you left is when I had the realization! Lately I've been feeling a lot of butterflies around you. Little things you do make me feel so magical and happy. I really enjoy your company too! It means a lot to me that you like me for me and not because of my money. That's never been an issue in our friendship. This entire time of getting to know each other, we've always been pretty comfortable around one another! It's been so easy to talk to you even with our differences though we're pretty similar too with our passion and attitudes!" You confessed, spilling it all out for him. "I always joked that it was only a matter of time until I fell for you and it became a reality. I'm not joking, Hoseok. I really do like you. So much!"
"(F-F/n)..." Hoseok stammered as you grabbed both of his hands, squeezing them lightly.
"Will you go out on a date with me?" Your eyes twinkled with hope. There were practically hearts floating around you. Hoseok was speechless at first, eyes constantly shifting to a new location with every second. From your eyes to your hands, to the left, to the right, and to the sky. Everything before returning back to your eyes.
"...this feels too sudden." Hoseok slipped his hands out from your grip. Once he said that, his eyes were down on the floor unable to meet yours again. What? You blinked at him, wondering if you heard that right. The smile on your face began to fall in painful disbelief as you stared at your best friend. "I think we should just stay friends, (F/n)...I'm sorry."
"Oh...oh." You curled one hand to a fist, bringing it to your chest. This hurt a lot more than you were expecting it too. Opening your mouth, you wondered what you were even planning to say. For some reason you hadn't thought out what to do if he rejected you. It never crossed your mind the entire time. With how the two of you act, all the flirting and affection...you thought there was something there. At the very least, you thought Hoseok would have given you a chance.
"We're close friends though, (F/n)! This doesn't have to be awkward or—oh no. Please don't do that..." Hoseok put his hand on your shoulder when he noticed your eyes tearing up. Don't do what? Cry? Well, it wasn't something you could really control at the moment. You shut your mouth, knowing nothing would come out with your throat dry and your chest aching brutally. Hoseok frowned, a soft whine leaving him when one tear rolled down your cheek and then another. "Princess, please. No crying." Hoseok brought his hands up to cup your face. His thumbs gently wiped away your endless tears, not helping your case at all. He had rejected you but now you felt so confused with his actions. What was he trying to get out from this moment?
"No," You mumbled. Sniffling, you moved out of Hoseok's grip to just head over to your Fashion History class. Tears blinded your vision, but you didn't care. You're going to wobble your way to class to distract yourself from this disappointment. It just—why? You couldn't really think straight right now and it didn't help when Hoseok was chasing after you. He stopped by your side, staring down at you like he felt your pain. He made no sense.
"(F/n), don't cry over me. I think we just got a little too ahead of ourselves with the playful flirting is all." Hoseok placed his hand on your back, gently rubbing circles to comfort you. "We're good friends and we're good as friends. Just because you're a girl and I'm a guy doesn't mean we have to date. Maybe I got you confused and I'm sorry for that—"
"No! No, I d-didn't get confused!" You turned to face him, stomping your heel on the ground. Hoseok froze to get jabbed in the chest. "I've been up for hours thinking about my feelings for you a-and yeah, it was rainbows and sunshine but it's real. I do like you! A-And you calling me Princess, c-cuddling with me, sending your nude—"
"—It wasn't a nude."
"I don't care!!" You shouted at him for cutting in. He understood perfectly well what you mean by that. "Hoseok...I get it if you don't want to date me, but don't tell me I was confused. Please don't make me question myself too..."
Hoseok remained silent from your words. He knew how you felt about people making you second guess your emotions, your memories, and actions. That was your constant warped reality with your family and dealing with your fiancé. According to them, certain things didn't happen or they weren't as big of a detail. You're overreacting. You're wrong about specific details despite you having a clear memory of it. Though sometimes you could never be sure. What if they were right? They drove you crazy, but at least you felt sane around Hoseok. You didn't want that to change.
"I'm sorry..." Hoseok whispered, still unable to look at you as you cried. "You're a beautiful woman though, (F/n). You're incredibly sweet, thoughtful, and talented. You're smart too and super determined. Seriously, you're the most amazing person I've ever met so I'm sure it won't be hard to find someone who does love you. Any guy would be lucky to have you—"
"But not for you," You spoke bitterly. Hoseok's brows jumped at this, taken aback by your interruption. "I was all those things apparently, but it still wasn't enough for you."
"That's not—no. It's not like that." Hoseok shook his head as your brows knitted together.
"Then what is it, Hoseok? You keep saying these sweet things and not making sense to me!" You huffed as Hoseok almost pulled you into a hug. His arms naturally moved in that motion before he quickly decided against it. Did he even know what he wanted? "If you care for me, Hoseok, you'll stop this weird game—"
"I do care for you!" Hoseok yelled passionately, leaving you wide eyed. His frustration was beginning to slip as he brought his hands up to his hair. "Look, (F/n). You have a fiancé."
"I don't love him." You took a step closer to Hoseok as your heart tightened. Does he like you back after all? Was your situation just making it hard for him? "Hoseok, I'll end it! I'll figure it out! I-I'll do everything I can to be with you, okay?" Hoseok let out a sigh, shaking his head as he shut his eyes tightly. "I love you, Hoseok..."
"And I...we should go to class." Hoseok stopped himself, keeping his head down. He was going to say it though. With your heart pounding rapidly in your chest, there were no more tears to cry as you watched him walk away. He was going to say it back to you. Right? Blinking and frozen in place, your mind was left more confused than ever.
Hoseok made no sense. He texted you that he was going on the bus straight home to work on the skirt of the dress and couldn't get a ride from you. Really? He was avoiding you now? You were still trying to piece together what the hell your morning was. First you were confessing your feelings and getting rejected. He's acting all sweet, letting you down way too gently when he slips up about possibly liking you more than he lets on. What is going on? While your mind is struggling to wrap around everything, he's already made up his mind to avoid you. So much for not making this awkward and continuing to stay friends!
What is his deal? He broke your heart and was throwing the pieces around like they meant nothing. It would make you feel a lot better if he was truthful with you. If he doesn't want to date you then fine! If he wants to date you then okay! But if he wants to date you and won't for whatever reason, you need him to tell you the reason so the both of you can figure it out. At least to figure out if the two of you can date or if it really is best if the two of you don't! He just can't make this decision by himself since all it's done so far is harm your friendship and hurt your feelings. You're completely mystified.
You were just glad that you weren't crying by the time Mansu picked you up. The car didn't move when you first sat inside. He was used to waiting for Hoseok and always driving the man around too. Today was not one of those days. One look through the rearview mirror, Mansu got the hint and put the car in drive. Hoseok was probably in one of the ugly smelly boxes with wheels! He calls them buses, but you found them very suspicious. Either way, he was very clearly trying to stay away from you because you caught onto him. If you had stayed in the dark about information, he didn't want you knowing then he would have been in this car with you right now.
"Hey Mansu...do you think I made a mistake?" You rested your head against the window, eyes low on the fast moving road.
"I'm afraid I don't understand. What mistake?" Mansu questioned, hearing a sigh leave you. A part of you was wondering why you told Mansu so much. He's just your driver. There was no need for him to know as much as he did and yet you found yourself trusting him completely. He's never failed you. Maybe you were foolish in wanting to trust a man paid by your father.
"I confessed to Hoseok today," You stated in a clear voice. "I told him I love him."
There was silence in the vehicle. All you could hear was the soft hum of the car's motor. A few outside sounds from the traffic, but for the most part there was nothing. Everything was muted as you waited for Mansu's response. His grip on the wheel was tight, his hands sweaty as usual. The elder man hadn't expected to hear this from you. It wasn't like you to share anything so personal. Though with the sad look you wore, there was a chance you didn't want to feel alone at the moment. It must have not gone the way you wanted.
"I don't think so, Miss," Mansu eventually answered. Scared of you or not, he put thought into his words. "If that's how you felt then that's great. It's not easy to love someone and it's not easy confessing to someone either." Mansu nodded to himself.
"He told me we should stay friends," You mumbled through a pout. Mansu pursed his lips as he turned the left corner when the light turned green.
"I'm sorry about that, Miss...but I hope his answer doesn't make you feel like you did something bad. You shouldn't be ashamed of your emotions. Certainly not love." Mansu offered to you. "You'll be alright, Miss."
"I will...but do you think he can love me?" You fiddled with your fingers. Biting your lip, you could feel your chest tighten uncomfortably. "Hoseok almost said it back but...I don't know." Again, it was one of those times that you wondered if you had heard it right. Were you only hearing what you wanted to hear? There was no one else around you to ask if you had remembered it right. While you kept second guessing your memory, Mansu could only remember how happy you were because of that boy.
"I'm sure it's not completely one sided." Mansu shrugged. "Give it time, Miss. Things might change."
"You think so?" You stopped playing with your fingers. Looking over at Mansu, you stared at him hopefully as he nodded.
While his answer couldn't exactly confirm Hoseok returned feelings for you, it gave you hope. Things could change. Hoseok might come up to you himself with whatever he was hiding or you persist after him. The second option just stood out to you more seeing as it was the most likely option. If Hoseok was avoiding you now then he might just keep it up thinking he's doing the both of you a favor. You on the other hand, you're going to be stubborn and keep trying to work towards your love! One way or another, you'll get Hoseok to understand that he shouldn't pretend his love for you doesn't exist.