The First Day of Our Forever

I remember my past with Giyuu now. More accurately, I have dreams. I've dreamt about Urokodaki in his bright red tengu mask and his cozy wood hut near Mount Sagiri. I've dreamt of the training Giyuu and I went through together, speeding down the mountainside and avoiding the traps strewn everywhere, swimming in the waterfall, practicing water breathing, sparring day and night.

I've dreamt about splitting that boulder.

These memories have dripped steadily from my unconscious like water from a leaky faucet, and they've filled my life with a joy I never imagined. They've brought me closer to Giyuu. They're another thread knitting our lives, our very souls together. They're another something only he and I share. They've made Giyuu even more precious to me. I didn't think that was possible.

I still dream about the Hand Demon more often than I ever admit. The dream has changed though. I still roam that dense forest under that tarry night sky. I still fight those disfigured demons. But Giyuu is by my side. I hear his voice. I see his face. I hold his hand. Or rather, he holds mine.

The dream doesn't frighten me anymore. Well, that's not entirely true.

I still run off and leave Giyuu behind. I still face that demon alone.

And I don't come back.

+++

Their days had become quiet and simple. No more jumping out of bed and into the shower. No more charging out the door and rushing after crowded trains. No more long days at work and flopping exhausted on the couch, having dinner, crawling into bed, then pressing repeat. Over the last few months, Giyuu had cut everything out of his life except Sabito and whatever it would take to make him healthy again.

Mornings were the simplest. He and Sabito would wake up whenever their bodies told them to. For Giyuu, that often meant at dawn, but he didn't mind. He liked the glowing crown of golden light that adorned the horizon. He liked the moist chill in the air. He liked the quiet breath the world took before it clattered into motion. Most of all, he liked rolling over and being able to touch Sabito and hear the soft rasping of his breath. This was the best part of his day. Waking up and knowing he had Sabito.

Giyuu lay on his side and watched Sabito as he slept. The two years of cancer treatment had ravaged Sabito. He had gotten much thinner. His skin was ashen. His hair had grown back, but without its bounce and luster. Often Sabito was too weak to even get out of bed by himself, especially lately. But inside, he was still Sabito. Still smart, still stubborn, still sweet as peaches. Giyuu still loved him with everything he had.

"You're staring at me," Sabito said, his eyes still closed.

"Did I wake you?" Giyuu asked.

Sabito popped one eye open. He reached over and caressed Giyuu's cheek. "I must look awful. You have a very worried look on your face."

Giyuu shook his head, then snuggled in next to Sabito. "You feeling okay?"

"I was thinking I'd like to have pancakes. The big poofy kind. Think we can handle making those?" Sabito asked.

"I'll make anything you like."

Sabito looped his arms around Giyuu and kissed him on the forehead. "You've taken such good care of me. Have I told you how grateful I am?"

"Not since last night." Giyuu took Sabito's hand in his, kissed it. So frail his hand...

Sabito patted Giyuu on the belly. "Well, get a move on. I'm hungry."

Giyuu rolled on top of Sabito, brushed his lips across Sabito's. "How about we have breakfast in bed?"

Sabito let his fingers crawl into Giyuu's black hair and indulge in its silky thickness. He let his eyes wander across the smooth contours of his cheeks, to his soft red lips, into his ocean blue eyes. "You're so beautiful," Sabito whispered, a small smile curving his lips.

Sabito's gaze was as soft and delicate as morning dew, but it overwhelmed Giyuu with the quiet melancholy of a winter snow. "On second thought, let's have a proper breakfast." Giyuu sat up. He grabbed Sabito's hands and pulled him upright. "Come on. I'm not going let you laze around."

Sabito sat up, but immediately drooped forward and rested his head on Giyuu's shoulder. "I'm sorry. I wanted to do better than this."

Giyuu shook his head. "It's okay. You're just having a bad morning. We've had bad mornings before. We'll get through." Giyuu helped Sabito sit up against the headboard. "Wait here. We'll have breakfast in bed after all." Giyuu headed into the kitchen.

As soon as Giyuu was out of sight, Sabito curled up into a ball, his face pinched into a grimace. A tear snuck out of the corner of his eye. He took several deep breaths to steady himself. After another few minutes, he hoisted himself to the edge of the bed. "A proper breakfast..." Sabito said to himself. "I can do that much for him."

By the time Sabito shuffled into the kitchen, the aroma of Giyuu's culinary efforts had filled the apartment. Coffee was brewing. The first pancake was rising in the pan.

"Hey, I said I'd bring breakfast to you," Giyuu said.

Sabito peered over Giyuu's shoulder at the pale, yellow batter ballooning before them. "That looks surprisingly good."

"Surprisingly?" Giyuu gave Sabito a gentle poke with his elbow.

Sabito wrapped his arms around Giyuu's waist and rested his head on his shoulder. Giyuu could feel his labored breaths, could feel the disturbingly slight weight of him.

"What will you remember most about me, Giyuu?" Sabito asked.

Giyuu's chest tightened, his muscles tensed. He bopped Sabito on the head with the spatula handle. "Don't ask questions like that. I don't like it."

"Promise you won't remember me like this. Remember me like I was."

"Why should I promise that when you're not going anywhere?"

Sabito leaned into Giyuu, as if he needed him for support. "I think you need to flip it."

"What?"

"The pancake."

"Oh." Giyuu grabbed the spatula and flipped the pancake. "Not bad, eh?"

Sabito kissed Giyuu on the cheek. "It's perfect."

Giyuu felt Sabito's body grow suddenly heavy. His arms dropped from Giyuu's waist. Giyuu turned, scooped his arms around Sabito's slumping body. "Sabito!"

Sabito clutched Giyuu's shirt, blinked until he could see clearly. "I'm feeling a bit tired. I think I need to sit down."

Giyuu helped Sabito to the sofa and set him down. "You just need to eat something. I'll go make you a plate quick. You want juice or water?" Giyuu turned toward the kitchen.

Sabito grabbed Giyuu's hand. "Stay with me."

"You need to eat. That's why you're feeling weak."

Sabito tugged Giyuu's arm. "Please."

"At least have some juice. I know you'll perk up—"

"Giyuu."

Giyuu sat on the couch. Sabito laid down and put his head on Giyuu's lap.

"Promise me you won't feel guilty. None of this is your fault," Sabito said.

"Stop it. Please. I don't like the way you're talking."

Sabito wiped the tears that were rolling down Giyuu's cheeks. "I know you're going to feel guilty, but don't. Okay?"

"Stay with me forever, and I won't."

Sabito closed his eyes. "Forever...that would've been nice, huh?"

"Sabito...Please..."

"I love you, Giyuu." Sabito threaded his fingers through Giyuu's and kissed his hand. "I'm glad I'm not alone this time."

"Stop..." Tears rained down from Giyuu's eyes. He squeezed Sabito's hand.

Don't go. Please don't leave me. Please...

That night, Giyuu found himself in a hospital room surrounded by people he didn't really know telling him things he couldn't really hear. He could sense the activity around him, but his mind couldn't quite process it. The world had just played a terrible joke on him. Wasn't he holding Sabito's hand only a moment ago? Weren't they just together, saying I love you, making promises and pancakes?

How could Sabito be gone now? He can't be. It's impossible...

Over the next couple of weeks, Makomo and Shinobu shuttled Giyuu to offices or temples or stores, wherever he needed to go. They made sure he did what needed to get done. They brought him meals, most of which he didn't eat. He showered only when they visited and told him to. As for sleep, it came on its own random schedule, leaving Giyuu awake at odd hours, his mind bleary, his heart swollen with grief.

Giyuu simply couldn't accept this new reality. There wasn't a cell in his body capable of doing so.

I wanted to save him this time. Why couldn't I save him?

There were days when Giyuu was sure he saw Sabito leaning on the balcony rail or heard his footsteps coming up the stairs, or saw his peach-colored hair passing outside the window of their favorite bakery. There were evenings when the click-clack of keys would draw him expectantly to the front door, but it never opened. Sometimes, in the lonely depths of night, Giyuu would feel Sabito's breath on his neck. He'd reach over to Sabito's side of the bed, and then he would remember. He'd feel the cold, flat expanse of bed next to him, and it would hit him. It would bury him in despair.

Sabito's gone, and he's never coming back.

How in the world am I supposed to go on?

+++

It was one of those small Buddhist temples known only to locals or to the rare, adventurous tourist willing to wander randomly through Tokyo's labyrinth of side streets and get hopelessly lost. Giyuu loved this temple. Though the city bustled with bright lights and boisterous businessmen just a block away, here in the temple it was another world. At sunset, mists rose from the nearby stream and wandered through the temple grounds. The full moon sent silver blades of light through the cherry blossom trees that loitered around the courtyard. It was in front of this very shrine, after they rung the bell and clapped their hands and bowed, that Sabito had proposed to Giyuu and he said yes.

Giyuu and Sabito had stumbled upon this gem on one of their weekend walks. The road they were walking on branched in three directions. Sabito had wanted to go down the right branch, Giyuu down the left, and after a quick round of debate and bargaining and attempted bribery, they decided which way to go.

"The middle path, eh? How Buddhist of us," Sabito quipped.

Giyuu remembered that story every time he walked down that middle path. Today was no exception.

Giyuu passed through the gate, washed his hands at the chozuya, prayed at the shrine, then made his way to the small cemetery in the back. Sabito's stone monument was modest, only a couple of feet tall, and it sat in the quietest corner of the yard. A Japanese maple spread its feathery branches over it like a mother hen.

Giyuu crouched by the monument and set a bouquet of lilacs in front of it. He took out a small tin of butter cookies, removing one before he set the tin on the monument as well.

"Yeah, I know these are my favorite, but we have a lot of fond memories around these, don't we?" Giyuu took a bite of the cookie. "They always remind me of you."

Giyuu sat on the ground, pulled his knees up to his chest. He nibbled mouse-like on the cookie.

"Not gonna lie, Sabito. It's still not easy. But, I think I'm okay now. Getting better anyway. I got that research job. I'm finally all moved into the new apartment. I had dinner with Shinobu again the other day. Sounds like things are going well with her and Mitsuri. In fact, her exact words were 'behold relationship perfection, you non-lesbian, boobless boob.' Not sure why she has to insult me when bragging about her own relationship, but you know. Shinobu."

Giyuu tossed the last scrap of cookie into his mouth. "See, Sabito? I'm fine. I am. I hope you're not worried about me."

Giyuu wiped the tears that had suddenly sprung from his eyes. He chuckled.

"Don't mind those. I swear I'm fine."

Tears poured down his cheeks.

"I just miss you."

"A lot."

+++

Sanemi was proud of himself. After the devastating ordeal with Giyuu, Sanemi had crafted a real, honest-to-goodness life out of the shambles it had become. It didn't happen overnight, of course, but two years, countless intensive therapy sessions, a doubled antidepressant dosage, and almost 12 months of insomnia later, Sanemi got his life together and moved forward. He had gotten a steady job as a bartender. He bought a condo in outer Ikebukuro. He even managed to have a stable, long-term relationship – nearly three years with the same woman, though as luck would have it, they decided to go their separate ways.

Or, truth be told, she decided to go.

"Do you really love me, Sanemi? I feel like only half your heart is in this." Is how the conversation started. It ended with tears and a packed suitcase, followed by a door slamming. Because Sanemi didn't want to lie.

There was still that empty room in his heart, and though he knew better, though he knew there was no point, that room was still reserved for one particular soul.

Sanemi didn't think about Giyuu as much as he used to. He could go days without consciously thinking about that sometimes soft, sometimes snarky, always sexy dork. Occasionally, he could go weeks. But Sanemi sensed an inner eye always open, forever searching, invariably causing his head to swivel toward dark hair and sapphire eyes.

"I've got to let that go," Sanemi would coach himself when he'd sense that ever-vigilant eye on the prowl. He had yet to find a way to shut it completely. But, that didn't stop him from trying.

One day, when he was sitting on a park bench under a sakura tree and eating an ohagi he had made, Sanemi felt a teeny tap on his shoulder.

"Shinazugawa-san? Is that really you?"

Sanemi held his hand up to block the sun and squinted at the bittersweet memory that Fate had cast his way. "Yamamoto-san. It's been a while."

"You remember me?" Maaya asked, her face suddenly rose petal pink, her smile warmer than summer sun.

"Of course. Please join me." He gestured to the space next to him.

She sat down. Her posture was prim, her hands neatly placed. But her eyes roved Sanemi with the boldness of a seasoned pirate. Sanemi noted the boldness of her stare. He grinned. "How are you?"

"I've been good. Still working for Kocho-sensei. Still living in the same place. You? You kinda disappeared all of a sudden. I hope nothing terrible happened."

"Define terrible."

Her brow knit with concern. "That bad, eh?"

"It's fine. I got through it."

"Did it have to do with Tomioka-san? He left the same time you did."

Sanemi turned his face away. Tomioka-san. Just hearing his name still sunk a dozen serrated blades into his heart. Still made his eyes burn with grief. He took a deep breath to settle the tremors brewing in his flesh. "He left, too?"

"Yeah, and I couldn't really ask Kocho-sensei what was going on. But, I've always wondered. You didn't even say good-bye."

Sanemi looked Maaya in the eyes. "I apologize, Yamamoto-san. I never wanted to make you feel bad."

"Apology accepted. And please, call me Maaya."

Sanemi looked at Maaya, really looked at her, something he realized he hadn't ever done before. She was undeniably cute. Her black, bobbed hair was pencil straight and shiny like satin. Her face was round, her eyes almost black, her build almost twiggy. Physically, she seemed fragile, but her confidence belied any apparent weakness. He always liked that about her. She was spunky.

Maybe, Sanemi thought, she's another chance to move forward.

"Maaya," he said with his best, most charming smile. "What are you doing this weekend?"

+++

Giyuu and Makomo strolled down the main shopping street in Yanaka Ginza. It was midday, but the sky was overcast, the air cool with mist. A meager stream of shoppers milled up and down the strip of modest mom and pop shops, whose boxy, open storefronts hadn't changed much since the 50s. Food smells took turns tantalizing noses. First korokke, then taiyaki, then yakitori. Giyuu hopped into a small bakery and bought some bread for later.

Giyuu didn't know how long it had been since he last saw Makomo. A few months at least. For a couple of years, Giyuu couldn't bear to see Makomo, and he suspected she felt the same about him. Seeing each other, they couldn't help but remember Sabito, and for a long time, Giyuu couldn't remember without breaking down.

But being with Makomo now, meandering with her from shop to shop, brought a smile to Giyuu's face, rather than tears. He wanted to reminisce. He wanted to know how Makomo was faring. He wanted to hold on to this piece of Sabito.

"I had taken all the cereal boxes out of the cabinet and dumped them all over the kitchen floor. When our mom came in and asked who made that mess, I said it was Sabito," Makomo said.

"Did she believe you?" Giyuu asked.

"Yeah, and so Sabito got punished."

"He must've been so mad."

"Totally, but he didn't rat me out. And now that I think of it, he never exacted any sort of revenge. He just got pissy at me for half a day."

"Sounds like Sabito. He never could stay mad for long." Giyuu stopped in front of a manju shop and surveyed the different types they offered. "Four matcha, please."

"Those for Sabito?" Makomo asked.

Giyuu nodded. "Most of them. I'm stopping by the temple tomorrow."

"You doing okay?"

Giyuu paid the shopkeeper and took the small bag of manju. "Yeah. I've pretty much...adjusted? Is that what you do? I've completely joined the living anyway."

"Maybe this is a sensitive subject, but have you started dating again?" Makomo pried, ever so gently.

They resumed their stroll. Giyuu handed her one of the manju and took one for himself.

"I've been thinking about it actually. Kind of." He took a nibble of the manju.

"Well, I won't say that Sabito would want you to find someone else per se. He'd probably pummel anyone who touched you if he could from the other world."

Giyuu smiled. "Also sounds like Sabito."

"But I don't think he'd want you to be alone and lonely either. Besides, it's been almost three years."

"Hardly seems that long ago."

"I know. I still miss him like crazy."

"Me, too."

Makomo held up her manju. "To Sabito."

Giyuu held up his. "To Sabito." They 'clinked' their manju in a toast.

Makomo shoved the remainder of her manju in her mouth. "There's a café. Can I buy you a drink or something?"

"Why? Do you want to slap me again?"

"Are you ever going to let that go?"

"It hurt." Giyuu play pouted.

"Why can't you be like Sabito and forgive me?"

"He was a much better man than I am."

"No argument there."

Makomo and Giyuu spent a few more hours together before they went their respective ways. Giyuu was glad Makomo was back in his life again. He appreciated the memories that tied their lives together. He hoped they always would.

It was rather late by the time Giyuu found himself hiking up the three flights to his apartment. He was tired and definitely ready for a soak. As soon as he was inside, he kicked off his shoes and dumped his bags on the entryway table. He quickly thumbed through the letters he harvested from his mail box. It was more of the usual: too many bills, an assortment of useless ads, and a few coupons, maybe one of which he might consider using. But amongst that chaff was a gem – an eggshell-colored envelope, hefty stationery, silver lettering. A wedding invitation, he was certain. Giyuu looked at the return address and smiled.

Carefully, Giyuu pried open the envelope and slid the invitation out.

Kanroji Mitsuri

and

Kocho Shinobu

Request the honor of your presence...

The announcement brought a smile to Giyuu's face. He loved these two together; they deserved this happiness. But the announcement also opened up a hollow space inside him he didn't expect, a timid loneliness that asked to be filled with new life, with new hope, with new love.

Or maybe an old one...

Giyuu's thoughts had recently begun to wander to Sanemi. He wondered where he was, how he was doing, did he ever think about him? The urge to contact Sanemi nagged at Giyuu like a tired child, usually when he was alone and the world was quiet. He had actually tried to contact Sanemi one - or ten - times in a weak moment on a lonely Saturday, but the only number he had for him was out of service.

Just like our relationship I guess.

Giyuu plopped on to the sofa and held the wedding invitation over his head with both hands. Maybe Makomo was right. Maybe it was okay to start dating. Maybe it was time.

Giyuu whispered a prayer, or rather just a simple plea to the universe, to Fate, to Sanemi himself, wherever he might be.

Please come. I really want to see you again.

+++

Sanemi stood in his kitchen and stared at the envelope. It was a wedding invitation. He didn't even have to open it to know. Shinobu and Mitsuri were getting married. Sanemi decided not to notice that the envelope was shaking a little in his grasp. He decided to ignore the thunder in his chest and the riot in his brain. But those decisions somehow froze him in place.

"Are you going to open that or just stare at it?" Maaya asked as she crossed the living room. She wrapped a fluffy white towel around her head as she padded her bathrobe-clad self toward Sanemi.

Maaya's voice snapped Sanemi out of his trance. He set the envelope down on the counter. "How was your bath?" he asked.

"Fine. What is that? It had you under quite a spell."

"Nothing important." Sanemi slid the envelope underneath some junk mail, he wasn't exactly sure why. "Let me make you something to eat."

Maaya strolled around the counter, gave Sanemi a peck on the cheek. "Can we have omelettes?"

"Anything you like." Sanemi turned toward the fridge to fetch milk and eggs.

As soon as his back was turned, Maaya's hand struck like an attacking snake and snatched the mail on the counter. She filed through it quickly and found the mesmerizing envelope.

Sanemi turned back around. "Crap. I'm out of eg-" Maaya was opening the envelope.

"What are you doing? That's my mail, you know."

"Kocho-sensei's wedding. You want to go, don't you?" Maaya asked.

Sanemi leaned against the fridge, his gaze dawdling around his feet. "Honestly, I'm not sure."

"Is that because Tomioka-san might be there?"

Truth be told, Sanemi wanted to go. Shinobu had been a good friend to him during the short time he spent with Giyuu. She deserved this happiness, and he wanted to be there to celebrate it with her. But he was afraid a certain someone and his husband would be there, too.

Sanemi didn't know what he'd do if he actually saw Giyuu again. Implode? Melt? Breakdown? Yell epithets? Hold him and never let him go? All highly probable possibilities, none mutually exclusive. Seeing Giyuu with Sabito, however, that might – no, that would crush all the progress he'd made into a fine, useless dust, and he didn't want to have to reconstruct his heart from those impossible pieces - again.

"It's okay if you want to go," Maaya said. "If I can be your date."

Sanemi looked at Maaya, so accommodating, so eager to please. This was a stable relationship. He was reasonably happy. His life was finally in order. Why rock the boat now?

Sanemi smiled. "What do you say we go away that weekend instead?"

Maaya threw herself around Sanemi. "I'd love to!"

"Where do you want to go? I'll take you anywhere you want."

"Oh! There are a couple of onsens I'd like to try. Let me go grab my phone." Maaya tossed the wedding invitation back on the kitchen counter and dashed into the bedroom.

Sanemi grabbed the invitation, intending to toss it into the recycling bin, but his hand wouldn't surrender it. He looked at it one more time, traced his finger tenderly along its silver lettering.

Why does this still hurt so fucking much?

+++

Giyuu wouldn't call himself a fan of weddings. Usually, they were unnecessarily grandiose affairs that forced barely acquainted beings to concoct conversation using dull social tools like "How do you know the couple?" or "Wasn't that a beautiful ceremony?" Giyuu found it all painfully awkward and something he preferred to avoid like plagues and marketing calls. There were only a couple of people for whom Giyuu would brave the unrelenting annoyance of people en masse, and Shinobu was one of them.

The other one had yet to show up.

If he would.

The Shinto shrine where Shinobu and Mitsuri had decided to have their wedding hid itself amongst a baby grove of Japanese maple trees in a secluded corner of a local park. The shrine was small, as was the group of invited guests. There were only about 40 people in attendance. Giyuu lingered in the back so that he could keep an eye on the crowd and any latecomers who might wander in.

The ceremony was as short as tradition would allow. Shinobu wasn't exactly a fan of spectacle either, though she did like things done right. She and Mitsuri looked stunning. Shinobu wore a black fitted tuxedo with a violet bow tie and cumberbund. Mitsuri wore a simple white, strapless gown with a fitted bodice and satin bow in the back. Both wore their hair up with loose ringlets framing their faces. And their smiles...the sun struggled to be brighter. Giyuu thought they looked beautiful together, and from his conversations with Shinobu over the years, he believed they were good for each other. They deserved – no, they had earned this joy.

I wonder if I'll ever be happy like this again, Giyuu wondered. His eyes scanned the crowd for the 5th or 50th time. He'd lost count. He was starting to lose hope. The one face he wanted to find in this sea of souls was nowhere to be seen. Giyuu had a feeling he knew why.

Once the ceremony ended, the guests migrated to a restaurant in a hotel only a few blocks away. Shinobu and Mitsuri had reserved a medium-sized banquet room and decorated it with pink and green paper lanterns and strings of cascading wisteria. Several large round tables populated the space. Servers glided expertly amongst them, serving food and drink as soon as the guests were seated.

Giyuu avoided the table seating and secured himself a stool at the bar in the back of the room. He quickly downed a shot of scotch, then nursed a second in an attempt to quell the expectant excitement that bubbled up with each male body that strolled into the room. Reason told Giyuu to stop looking for Sanemi, that if he hadn't shown up by now, he wasn't going to. And maybe he didn't want him to show up anyway. He might not be alone.

But hope...hope still flickered like a tiny match flame in a dim, dusty corner of Giyuu's heart.

It's probably for the best, Giyuu consoled himself. He ordered a third shot of scotch. Then a fourth.

"Slow down there, cowboy. The night's young," Shinobu said, as she approached Giyuu. She handed him a small plate of food – gyoza and a slab of salmon. "Have you eaten anything?"

Giyuu shook his head and took the plate. "Thank you." He dug in.

"Can't have you getting shitfaced on my special day."

"It was beautiful. The ceremony. I'm very happy for you both. You deserve this, you really do."

Shinobu pulled up a stool next to Giyuu's and sat. "Don't get all sweet and decent on me. I might feel compelled to treat you like a human being."

"You'd never let that happen," Giyuu said, his mouth half full.

Shinobu waved a server over and grabbed a plate of noodles from him. She slid them on to Giyuu's plate. "You're right. Eat up, poop pile."

Shinobu swung her feet and eyed the servers as they passed. "Have you tried the crab puffs yet? Let me get you some." She waved another server over. "The cheese tarts are amazing, too."

Before she flagged down every server, Giyuu gently lowered her arm. "Shinobu. I'm fine. Really."

"Maybe he didn't get the invite," she said.

"I'm sure he did."

"You don't know that for-"

"I do." Giyuu took a deep breath and set his plate on the bar. "I essentially told him to move on, and he obviously has. And I'm glad he has. It means he's happy."

The words Giyuu said were positive, but the body that uttered them was slumped with despondence. The smile he wore brought no light to his expression. To Shinobu, he looked as sad as a threadbare rag doll discarded by the side of the road. She didn't have the heart to tease him. She knew better than to offer platitudes. So, she did what she usually did when her gay babies were hurting.

"Can you hand me the Macallan 32?" Shinobu instructed the bartender.

"The 32? Did I just get 100 times cuter or do I look that sad and pathetic right now?" Giyuu quipped.

"This is for me," Shinobu replied.

The bartender handed the bottle and a shot glass to Shinobu. She poured, passed it to Giyuu. "Actually, you do look that sad and pathetic." She poured a shot for herself, then clinked her glass on his. "To good friends and even better booze."

This time Giyuu's smile warmed his sullen expression a little. "May you and Mitsuri have more happiness than you know what to do with."

"I'll drink to that."

They sipped their shots. Shinobu patted Giyuu's leg with a fist. "Come say 'hi' to Mitsuri."

Giyuu downed the rest of his scotch. "Actually, I think I'm going to head home now. I'm sorry. It's just.."

"No need to explain."

They hopped off their stools. Giyuu ambushed Shinobu with a hug and gave her a solid squeeze. "Thank you. You really are a good friend."

The unexpected physical contact caught Shinobu off guard. Giyuu's embrace felt warm, open, and not even the teeniest bit awkward. It was definitely not very Giyuu-esque. But she took it as a good sign. Their relationship had fully returned to the level of trust and comfort it had when they were demon slayers. In fact, it had gone beyond it. That made her incredibly happy. Though she'd never tell Giyuu that.

She poked him in his side. "You know I'm a lesbian, right?"

Giyuu rolled his eyes. "Every. Single. Conversation."

"When is it not worth mentioning?"

He released their embrace. "Text me when you get back from your honeymoon."

"Take care, okay?" Shinobu said.

"I'm fine. Really." He smiled and left.

"You're a terrible liar, Giyuu," she whispered to herself.

When Giyuu exited the hotel, he found a beautiful spring evening outside. The night sky was clear save for a single luminescent pearl set at its starry center. The distant skyscrapers twinkled like an earthbound galaxy. The air was crisp and cold and just what Giyuu needed to cut through the wooziness that those many shots of scotch were now diffusing through his body. He had hoped those shots would deaden the vicious disappointment congealing in his chest, but it was aching painfully as ever.

Giyuu walked to the train station down streets that were surprisingly empty of noise and people. He turned his attention to the crunching rhythm of his footsteps, to the breeze rustling his hair and tickling his skin. He felt like he was the only person on the planet, an odd and rare feeling to have in Tokyo. A feeling that Giyuu didn't particularly like at that moment.

I've got to stop thinking about him. I've got to stop hoping...

Dissolved in his thoughts, Giyuu quickly found himself at the train station. Giyuu got on the train and grabbed an isolated seat near the end of the car. His head still felt floaty; queasiness gathered in his stomach. He leaned back best he could in the rigid, right angle train seat and closed his eyes. Breathed. "You'll be fine. You'll be fine," he repeated in his mind like a mantra, until his breathing slowed, and his thoughts retreated into darkness. And dreams...

I've got to find him. I know he's here. Meet him at the train station. East platform. Please wait for me, Sanemi. I'm coming.

Why won't my legs move faster? I want to run. Why aren't they running?

A massive flood of people streaming toward me, the damn commute rush. How am I gonna get through?

Just push through. Push against this tide. Force my way past these black suits, shoving them aside if I must.

Wait for me, Sanemi.

Finally, I'm through. There's the platform.

There he is!

Sanemi!

He sees me. He's smiling. Maybe he still...

I run toward him, but my legs won't run. They won't move. Move damn it!

He's right there!

"You need to get off."

An unfamiliar voice and a gentle tapping on his shoulder wrenched Giyuu from his slumber. He opened a resentful eye at the voice's owner, a train station attendant. "This is the end of the line. You need to get off," he politely informed Giyuu.

End of the line? Shit. How long was I out? Giyuu wondered, as he nodded acknowledgement to the attendant.

"Last train goes out in 5 minutes on the other track," the attendant said.

Giyuu lifted himself off his seat and exited the train. He quickly glanced at the subway map to see where he was. He estimated an hour out from where he started. He felt considerably less woozy after his unexpected nap, but his mouth was parched and pasty. He jogged up the steps, found a vending machine near the entry gates, and bought himself some water.

"Gah! These damn shoes."

Giyuu froze at the sound of that voice. Gruff, deep, tinged with irritation. He knew that voice well. It had to be. Sanemi?

Giyuu spun around and scanned every inch of the train station. But there were only a handful of people passing through – a hunched elderly man with a cane, a trio of middle-aged women in black wool coats, a young woman standing on the other side of the entry gate, her back to Giyuu.

Great. Now I'm hearing things. Giyuu shook his head at himself and trotted off to catch his train.

Just beyond the entry gate, a handsome, white-haired man stood up. "The laces better stay tied-" He noticed a raven-haired man trotting off to the train platform and his heart skipped a beat. Could that be...?

"Come on, Sanemi. Let's go back to the ryokan and take a soak in the onsen."

Maaya put her hands on Sanemi's waist and motored him toward the exit. "Hey. Earth to Sanemi."

Sanemi returned his focus to Maaya. "Sure. That sounds great." He grabbed her hand and they strolled off together.

There's no way it was...

Sanemi glanced back over his shoulder.

Right...?

+++

Saturdays were for errands, and Giyuu knew if he didn't get moving immediately, he might not do anything productive until after lunch, or even dinner. But he also knew that spending ten more minutes rolled up in his bedsheets like a human burrito probably wouldn't alter the trajectory of world history. If there was anything Giyuu had learned over the past several years, it was that indulging in the glory of breathing, of just being, wasn't only valid, it was absolutely necessary. It was in those lazy nothing moments that he had connected most deeply with Sabito. With his friends. With himself.

It had been nearly a month since Shinobu's wedding. The disappointment that had saturated Giyuu's heart then had all but evaporated. He had managed to box up his fragile hope of ever seeing Sanemi again and stored it on a faraway shelf where his mind would have a hard time finding it. Life had to go on, he knew, and for the first time in – Giyuu didn't know how long – he wanted it to go on. He had jumped into the world again. He was fully engaged in his work. He had begun to socialize more consistently. He was thinking he might even start dating soon.

But first, he had to get out of bed. Which he did. Twenty minutes later.

Giyuu's first stop that day, as it was most Saturday mornings, was the temple where Sabito's ashes were housed. Giyuu set a small bouquet of lilacs and a tiny tin of butter cookies out for Sabito by his grave marker. "Am I ready, Sabito? I think I am... Are you going to be jealous if I find someone? I suppose I would be. But. It's really lonely without you."

Giyuu approached the shrine. He rang the temple bell, bowed, clapped, and sent a request out into the universe.

If I'm ready, send me the right person...

The rest of that warm Saturday, Giyuu ticked tasks off his to-do list. He mailed off his bills, got his haircut, bought a couple of new shirts. He grabbed some takoyaki for lunch, then spent the next hour-ish going to three different stores to get all the groceries he wanted. Tired but feeling accomplished, Giyuu treated himself to a melon pan. He found an empty park bench, set his two grocery bags next to him, and savored his indulgence.

The melon pan was still warm, its outer shell properly crispy, its inner flesh doughy without being dense or mushy. Its delicate sweetness could only be adequately described by mmm's and oooo's. The late afternoon sun had begun to honey the horizon, allowing a brazen sliver of moon to shine in the encroaching dusk. The crowds had thinned to a pleasant trickle. An evening breeze tussled the treetops. A welcome serenity settled around Giyuu, inside Giyuu. He smiled.

It's been a good day.

He picked up his bags and sauntered kitty-corner across the park to the train station, but once he arrived, he paused at the entrance. The pastel sky and cool air invited him to walk home. It was only a mile, and his bags weren't too heavy. So, he obliged.

Giyuu turned toward the street and immediately noticed a man standing next to a wall fountain. He was about Giyuu's height, white hair, well-built. Giyuu stared at the man for what might've been two minutes or an eternity, his mind fumbling with the joyous reality thrust abruptly in front of him.

Is that really him?

Giyuu begged his legs to move, and they did in small, tentative steps. His heart pounded harder with each step, his head grew unbearably light. He was terrified he might faint before he reached this man, before he could confirm.

Please be him.

Giyuu tapped the man on the shoulder. "Sanemi?"

The man turned. "Giyuu?"

Giyuu smiled. "It is you."

Sanemi stared helplessly at Giyuu, as if his gaze were the only thing tethering him to the planet. "Giyuu..." he repeated.

"It's been a minute, hasn't it? How have you been?"

Sanemi struggled to find even the simplest words. "Uh...fine...um. Good. What. What are you doing here?"

"I live not too far from here. I was just doing a little shopping," Giyuu said, holding up his shopping bags. "You?"

"We...I...just...hanging out," Sanemi managed to utter. "You?'

Giyuu chuckled, held up his grocery bags again. "Shopping."

"Right, right. Sorry. You just said. I'm just..this is just...I never expected..."

"Yeah I know. It's a little awkward, after everything, isn't it?"

Sanemi's gaze wouldn't leave Giyuu; it still clung to him as if his very existence depended on it. And in that moment, to Sanemi, it felt like it did. "You look good."

"You do, too."

Giyuu looked off into the distance. Took a deep breath. "Listen. I know maybe this isn't the right time or place to say this sort of thing, but I'm not sure I'll ever get the chance again. But..." Giyuu tossed his gaze at his shuffling feet. "I'm sorry for the way things ended. I'm sorry for the pain I caused you and for leaving you alone after all you'd been through. I'm not going to ask you to forgive me, and I totally understand if you hate me. But, I wanted you to know that I really am sorry."

"It was a fucked-up situation," Sanemi replied. "It wrecked me for a good long while."

"Me, too."

"It did?"

Giyuu nodded. "I had kind of a minor nervous breakdown."

Sanemi smirked. "Only minor?"

Giyuu returned the smirk. "Nice to see you're still an asshole."

"I wanted to make sure you recognized me." Sanemi moved a step closer to Giyuu. "I'm sorry, too. Sabito said I was going to break you. I guess he was right." It was Sanemi's turn to look away. "So. Uh. How are you two anyway? Still two happy little peas in a pod?"

Giyuu's face clouded over with pain. He suddenly seemed as fragile as cracked crystal, like he might crumble at the slightest touch. "Sabito passed away."

Sanemi took a step forward and reached toward Giyuu, but then reeled himself back. "Oh, jeezus, Giyuu. I'm sorry. I really am. When?"

"Almost three years ago."

"I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you through."

Giyuu shrugged. "Like you said. It was a fucked-up situation." Giyuu wiped his eye, slapped on a smile. "I'm probably keeping you from, something. I should go."

Giyuu took a couple of steps then stopped. He rallied himself with a deep breath, spun around, and faced Sanemi. "I probably shouldn't ask this, but I would really like it if maybe sometime we could—"

Maaya arrived it seemed out of nowhere and slid an arm around Sanemi's waist. She kissed him on the cheek. "I'm all done, sweetie. Wanna see what I got?"

She suddenly noticed Sanemi's attention was anchored on something else. She followed his gaze and found Giyuu standing there with the wide, dazed eyes of someone who was just punched in the crotch.

"Oh. Tomioka-san. Hello." Maaya said.

"Yama...moto..Oh. You're on a...you have a...I was just..leaving. Good to see you both." Giyuu spun back around and jetted out of there like he was late for yesterday.

Giyuu bolted down the street. He didn't know which direction he was going or if he was heading anywhere near home. He only knew he wanted to escape that moment, that hope-smashing, heart-shredding, good-day-destroying, totally-did-not-need-to see moment.

Of course he's moved on. Of course he found someone else. I can't expect him to still care. Or love...stupid. I'm so stupid. Why am I so stupid?

"Giyuu! Wait!"

Giyuu stopped so hard he nearly tripped. He turned around to find Sanemi panting and red-faced, his expression frantic, like he just lost his wallet or his mind.

"You were going to ask me something back there," Sanemi said between huffing breaths. "What was it?"

"Oh. It's okay. It wasn't impor-"

"Ask me!"

"Uh. Okay. I was just wondering if we could—"

"Yes!"

"I didn't even finish—"

"The answer's yes."

"But what about Yamamoto?"

"I'm just going to have to be a dick again, I guess."

"Well, that is on brand." Giyuu smiled and moved closer to Sanemi.

"Shut the fuck up and give me your number," Sanemi said as he pulled out his phone.

Giyuu set his bags down and pulled out his phone, too. "My number hasn't changed."

Sanemi's face scrunched with chagrin. "I deleted your number," he mumbled. "I would've contacted you at some point otherwise."

"Is that why you changed your number? So I couldn't contact you?" Giyuu asked.

"Did you try contacting me?"

"Just once. Or, ten times – what's your number?"

Sanemi stepped into Giyuu's personal space and lowered his voice to a gravelly whisper, "080-0322-1115."

Giyuu tapped it into his phone. Sanemi's phone dinged. "There's my number," Giyuu said.

Sanemi looked at his phone. He lit up bright and warm as a campfire. He typed something back.

Giyuu's phone dinged. He checked his phone. Grinned. "You always have to one up me, don't you?"

"I am better than you."

Giyuu and Sanemi let their eyes meet fully, without hesitation, without pain or guilt. All the awkwardness of a few moments earlier had melted away. Being together felt easy, natural. Right. As if they had never been apart.

They leaned in toward each other, their lips...

"Sanemi?"

Giyuu glanced over Sanemi's shoulder. Yamamoto was approaching.

"You'd better..." Giyuu said.

Sanemi nodded. "I know." He poked Giyuu in the chest. "Don't go anywhere."

"I won't."

Sanemi turned around and headed to Maaya.

Giyuu looked at his phone before he returned it to his pocket. Re-read their messages.

I missed you.

I missed you more.

+++

Giyuu showed up for his date with Sanemi exactly on time. Not a few minutes early, not a few minutes after the hour. 7pm on the dot. Sanemi might've cracked wise about Giyuu's anal retentive precision around arrival and departure times, but Sanemi's brain had been short-circuited by Giyuu's appearance. Giyuu wasn't attired in anything special per se. In fact, one could say his outfit was downright plain – just jeans, with a belt, and a black dress shirt tucked in. Simple. But the way it fit him. His jeans snuggled against him just enough to highlight his muscular legs, his taut bottom, and that trim, trim waist of his. His black shirt clung to his chiseled torso, leaving no doubt this man was in delicious shape. And as if that wasn't enough, Giyuu was also wearing his sexy nerd glasses.

Sanemi stared at Giyuu unabashedly, helplessly, nearly drooling like a dog at dinnertime. He wanted to pounce on Giyuu right then and there, and he was 100% certain that if Giyuu so much as sneezed on him, his desire would explode and take Giyuu out in a blast of kissing, groping, and pelvis pounding, propriety and public space be damned.

"Hey, so, where are we going?" Giyuu asked.

Sanemi wasn't done staring – or more accurately, gawking at Giyuu. He stood there, wordless, motionless, mind completely malfunctioning.

"Um...Sanemi?" Giyuu took a step closer to Sanemi and reached a tentative hand toward his arm.

"Don't come any closer." The words blasted out of Sanemi as if he were a megaphone.

Giyuu froze. "What's wrong?"

"I can't do this," Sanemi said, still cemented in place. "I can't go out in public with you."

Giyuu's face fell. "What do you mean? You want to cancel our date?"

"Yes. No. I mean. I had big plans to be calm and patient, to go slow and give us a chance to really get to know each other, you know, build a relationship before we rush into having hot, sweaty, acrobatic sex but you look so hot right now that if I come any closer to you I'm going to rip your clothes off and take you right here on the sidewalk. So we have two choices - we can either call this date off or we can go someplace where we won't get hoses and cell phones turned on us while we're making love."

Giyuu slowly digested what Sanemi said and what it meant for their evening. "Well, my place is a ten-minute walk from here."

"Perfect. Go," Sanemi said, his voice sharp with urgency.

Giyuu held out his hand to Sanemi. "It's this way."

Sanemi exuded the same frantic energy of someone in dire need of a restroom. "Did you not hear me? I can't touch you right now. Just walk and I'll follow you."

"Uh. Okay."

Giyuu started walking. Sanemi's gaze was immediately drawn to Giyuu's backside, to the subtle flexing of his back muscles as they sloped neatly into his tight waist and the rhythmic swaying of his firm, round--

"No, no! That's not going to work either." Sanemi jogged in front of Giyuu. "I'll walk in front. Tell me where to go."

Giyuu chuckled. "Aren't you being a little melodramatic?"

"Just tell me where to go. We need to get there soon."

Giyuu gave Sanemi directions, which he followed like a well-trained soldier. He walked at such a fast pace that Giyuu nearly had to run to keep up with him.

"Come on! Come on!" Sanemi yelled back.

"You're walking really fast. Turn right up here. Third door on the left."

A minute later, they were at Giyuu's apartment door. Giyuu took his keys out, and as soon as he touched the doorknob, Sanemi pressed against him from behind, his face already snuffling Giyuu's neck, his hands already roaming his torso.

"You're making it really hard to open the door," Giyuu said.

Sanemi replied with a groan and a grunt, his hands unbuckling Giyuu's belt.

"Can't you wait til we get inside?"

"No." More grunts and groans from Sanemi.

"There." Giyuu finally unlocked the door and pushed it open.

Sanemi and Giyuu almost tumbled through the door. As soon as their shoes were off, Sanemi hooked his hand around Giyuu's neck and yanked him into a kiss. Sanemi pressed his lips hard against Giyuu's, dove his tongue in deep, then drew back just enough to nibble on his lips.

Giyuu maneuvered them out of the entryway. "Let's...go... to the bedroom," he managed to say between kisses.

"No-mmmhhngg," Sanemi said as he tackled Giyuu and brought him to the floor.

Sanemi ripped open Giyuu's shirt and sent buttons flying. He growled at the sight of Giyuu's exposed flesh. "Nnnnnnhh, I wanna do everything to you all at once."

And to Giyuu it felt like he was. Giyuu had no idea how, but every inch of him tingled from kissing or caressing, biting or grabbing. Half the time he couldn't tell what in the world Sanemi was doing to his body. But damn if it didn't feel amazing. And wonderfully familiar.

By the time the first round of festivities were winding down, Giyuu realized what this rather long, definitely steamy, exhaustingly energetic match of naked Twister was. It was make-up sex - make up for the last three years and the last three lives sex. Finally, after all this time, Sanemi could act on all the feelings and impulses, drives and desires, he had pent up and tried to ignore. Finally, they could both act on the wishes their hearts had made.

Finally, Giyuu could keep his promise.

That made them both happiest of all.

+++

Later that evening, a trail of discarded clothes and toppled furniture led to Sanemi and Giyuu's current location on the bed. Giyuu had pasted himself to Sanemi's side and was using his ample pec as a pillow. Sanemi lay on his back, one hand lost in the jungle of Giyuu's hair, the other holding Giyuu's hand. Sanemi still couldn't believe they were actually together, that he had actually spent the last few hours mauling this man to his heart's content. That he could contact Giyuu anytime he wanted, that they could go to movies, take trips, just hang out all night. It didn't seem real. He tugged on Giyuu's hair, squeezed his hand, kissed his forehead to remind himself that it was.

"Ouch. You're hurting my hand." Giyuu tried to wriggle his hand out of Sanemi's, but Sanemi wouldn't release it. He laced his fingers in Giyuu's instead.

"You sleepy?" Sanemi asked, kissing Giyuu's hand.

Giyuu shook his head. "But I do need to go to the bathroom." Giyuu pushed himself up, but Sanemi yanked him back down.

"Sanemi..." Giyuu attempted to get up again.

Sanemi rolled over on top of him and let his full weight trap Giyuu on the bed.

Giyuu pounded his fists on Sanemi's burly back. "Come on. Let me up."

"No," Sanemi said, locking Giyuu down.

"Sanemi, I really need to go."

"Fine." Sanemi let Giyuu get up, but he wrapped his limbs around his torso. "I'm going with you."

"I'm just going to the bathroom," Giyuu said. He tugged on Sanemi's arms, but they wouldn't budge.

"I said I'm going with you," Sanemi stated.

"I don't need company."

"I don't want you to go anywhere without me."

"It's just the bathroom, and it's only 4 feet away."

"Don't go."

"Sanemi, what's the matter?"

Sanemi clung to Giyuu as if he was dangling over an abyss. He pressed his forehead against his back.

"Don't you ever make me let go of you again. I swear to god I will kill you," Sanemi said.

Giyuu tried to turn around, but Sanemi wouldn't let him. The reason why dripped on to Giyuu's skin.

"Sanemi, are you crying?" Giyuu asked.

"No, I'm not fucking crying, you fuck wad," he said, as his whole body convulsed with sobs, as his breath came and went in choppy, noisy puffs. As his tears drenched Giyuu's back. Giyuu held Sanemi's hands and let him spend every last drop of emotion he had, until his shaking stopped and his sobs subsided. Until finally, he spoke.

"I'm still mad at you," Sanemi whispered.

"I know. Do you hate me?" Giyuu asked.

"Maybe," Sanemi sniffled. "I'll decide after we're married."

Giyuu smiled. "That's fair." Giyuu pressed his lips against Sanemi's hand. "I can wait til then."

Giyuu turned around and faced Sanemi. "I love you, Sanemi Shinazugawa."

How long had Sanemi waited to hear Giyuu say those words? So long he had given up on ever hearing them. But here they were, like emerald blades of grass poking through the melting snows of a very long winter. They felt like a miracle. They were a miracle. Sanemi had no idea which god had finally decided to smile on him. He didn't care. He thanked them all. This moment was everything he had hoped for, had dreamed of. No, it was better. It was the first day of their forever.

Sanemi kissed Giyuu.

"I love you, too, asshole."