Song: The Marías - just a feeling.
Imagine; you get pregnant, Steve thinks you cheated because you've been using protection. You do a test.
Angst with a relatively happy ending!
•••
Steve and you have always been this power couple, you work together like an oiled machine. You fit together like two pieces of a puzzle and yet, nothing prepared you for his reaction.
'Steve-' You don't know what to say anymore.
You thought he'd be happy since you talked about kids already. About marriage and what not. So this reaction from him is something you didn't see coming.
Sure, you had tried to do it safely, mainly because you weren't planning on having kids anytime soon. Steve never forced you to take the pill though, he knew how harmful those things could really be. You used condoms every time but somehow his super soldier sperm found your egg and that had set you upon this road.
Steve's heart broke when he heard this news, afraid that you cheated on him since he used protection. It's not that he didn't want a family with you, but his stubbornness doesn't make it any easier.
'Did you cheat on me Y/n? Because we used protection...'
'What? That is absurd Steve! Of course I would never cheat on you! Are you insane?!'
'Then how?! We used protection!'
'Yeah but there's always a slight risk! I told you that from the start! And who knows?! Maybe the serum did it's part... it's yours Steve...I thought you wouldn't react so angry... i.. we talked about these things already-'
'Just admit it Y/n... I just need to know the truth... this could destroy my image-'
'I AM CARRYING YOUR BABY AND ALL YOU CAN THINK OF IS YOUR IMAGE?!' You harshly shove him away from you.
'I am literally expecting you to be somewhat happy to start a family, even if it wasn't planned! We both knew this could happen! And you're standing there thinking about your good boy image! I didn't cheat on you so fuck you for even remotely suggesting that!' You choke down a sob.
'I'm sorry y/n but I need to know...'
'I don't even know why I'm still standing here telling you I didn't cheat over and over again for you to just continue asking me same damn question... we are having a baby Steve...'
'You're having a baby.. there is no way it could be mine...'
'I can't do this alone-' you whine out.
'I'll tell Tony to get you a different room, You can stay here but don't expect anything from me...' He walks away without another word, leaving you to stand there in shock.
•••
A few days later you're still in shock from that huge argument. One moment you're angry that he would even think about that scenario. Then you're sad because you realise he isn't going to step up and given that the team will take his side in this, you will have to everything on your own. And then you get numb, because you can't handle all the emotions at once so you just shut them off.
You're sitting on the couch, reading a book about carrying a baby and all the tips and tricks to make it easier. You might as well be ready to handle this alone.
'You really cheated on Cap and got pregnant?' Tony walks in. 'That's low Y/n...'
'No I didn't cheat on him..' you croak out, your emotions get to exist again suddenly. Tears build in your eyes but you try to remain focussed on the page you're at.
'I can't believe you... to even have the guts to ask him to get you a room here...'
'I didn't ask him Tony, he ordered it...' you answer, your eyes basically burning through the book at this point. A tear rolls down your cheek and you hastily wipe it away.
'I'm gonna kill you-' Bucky marches over to the couch looking absolutely feral. You drop the book and stand up, fear courses through you as he gets closer. 'Why would you even do this?!'
'I didn't do anything...' you gasp as you try to get away from him.
'Steve told me everything! Really? I thought you were the one for him, and now you out of all people do this?!'
'I didn't do anything! I swear! It's his! I-' you get grabbed roughly around your upper arm.
'Bucky stop!' Tony yells.
'You know I thought you were my friends... I thought that at least one of you would ask me about this before jumping to conclusions... I don't need to stay here, don't go through the trouble to arrange something for me Tony, I'll figure it out myself...' you rip yourself loose.
'Hey what's going on?' Steve asks confused.
'I heard what she did..' Bucky seethes.
Your hand comes up to your arm and rubs the painfully burning sensation that Bucky left.
'I'm leaving... you will all regret this! Especially you, Steve... but hey I do hope your image stays the same... because what's the life of your child right?'
'Listen Y/n, we can all settle this with a simple test-'
'No... no I don't want to risk the baby's life...' you immediately shut that down.
Of course you already researched about it, you wanted to prove to Steve it's his but, now, a few months later, a watermelon of a stomach, you're not sure if you even want to give yourself that heartbreak.
You know it's his, but seeing his name on that paper might actually do you less good at this point. Steve was your everything, you really felt like you found the one, but who is Steve really if he's willing to let you go through all that pain without even talking to you?
Plus on top of that, the procedure to get the baby's DNA would be a risky one. Sure the baby would be stronger because of the serum, but still. You could lose the one thing urging you to live on.
After a while of thinking though, you decided to get it checked out, the results are in and you're nervous.
You haven't talked to any of them after that blowup, it's ironic how many family you lost that week, all because of a lie, of a misunderstanding.
'Y/n?'
You look up to see Helen Cho smiling down at you. 'How are you?' She asks.
You gather your things and walk with her. 'I uh, I'm doing better at the moment... I think...'
She guides you to her private office. She's the one person left that has taken care of you, she meets up to check on the baby as well as you.
'That's good... I need to know if you're truly ready for those results... even though we both know it's pretty obvious what it would be... I need to know that you're in the right mind to receive this...'
'I am.. I.. I just need to know for sure... to just prove to him.. I know I have nothing to prove but I need to... for my own sake... to maybe get some help...'
'I know... nobody is judging you for wanting to prove it to them...' She gives you another reassuring smile as she suggests you sit down in the chair.
'I haven't had a chance to look at it, I had someone seal it for me so that it couldn't be tampered with.. we both know that some folks want to set others up sometimes...' she explains as she hands you the large envelope.
You swallow the lump in your throats and you nod.
'Do you want me to be here with you?' She asks and you nod again without saying a word.
You slowly open the envelope with trembling hands. Who would've known you'd be so nervous to read something you already know?
You slowly slide out the paper and start reading it letter for letter. Word for word. Your breathing quickens the closer you get to that one sentence.
The test determines if Mr. Steven Grant Rogers is a paternal match with the infant. We have compared the DNA results and concluded the match to be 99,9 percent. Mr. Steven Grant Rogers is the father of this baby.
A sob escapes your lips before you can even register it. The tears start falling and your face scrunches up as a hand cups your cheek. The realisation suddenly hits you like a sledgehammer.
You're carrying his baby, and he had you go through all this just to prove that it's his baby. That he still doesn't want anything to do with. He won't listen to you.
'Do you want to tell him?' Helen asks.
You shrug as you wipe some tears off of your face. 'I want to but he also told me right away that it was just my child child, not ours.. and that hurt me...and all I can't think of right now is to just say fine then I'll raise it as mine, but i also want my child to grow up with their father and not without even knowing who it is..'
'I know it's hard Y/n.. I can only imagine what you're going through right now... if you want I can get you an appointment with someone that could help you.. a therapist... she could have a talk with you.. and then after you get your head cleared up, you might be able to make a better decision... would you like that? One appointment wouldn't hurt anybody right?'
You think about it for a moment. It's nice to have someone to talk to. Maybe she's right, maybe you need to clear your head first before you make a haste decision that you'll come to regret later.
'Yes.. yes I would like that..' you sniff.
'Okay.. we will arrange it... then maybe I can also bring you some happier news today if you let me...'
'What news?'
'The gender of your baby... would you like to know?'
'Yes...'
•••
'So y/n.. it's good to see you doing better now... with the baby of course... do you know what it will be?'
'Yes, Dr. Raynor, I do know' you smile happily as you rub your hand up and down your belly. 'It's a baby boy... I'm gonna have a son...'
'How wonderful..' she smiles sweetly. 'So.. does the father know already?' She asks making your smile drop immediately.
'No... no I want to tell him but... I'm scared...'
'Why don't you tell me what you fear?'
'Well.. when I told him about the baby at the beginning he.. he got mad.. accused me of cheating and then made our friends turn against me... so I left and haven't spoken to him since.. I just fear that if I tell him he will either act the same way, which is to deny the baby's existence altogether or he wil beg me to take him back...'
'Would that be so bad? To take him back?'
'I don't know.. I'm disappointed in him... in myself...'
'How come?'
'I just feel neglected, tossed away like trash while I'm carrying his son.. our son.. he hurt me.. saying that it's just my baby and not his... he hurt me by turning our friends against me... I've had nobody but Helen and you for the past months... I'm just disappointed that I have to put the baby and my life on the line to find out what I knew all along... he's the father...'
'So you fear that he will let you down again, or that he will beg for your forgiveness which you don't feel you're able to give...'
'Yes..'
Meanwhile the waiting room gets filled with patients for other therapist, but then Dr. Raynor's next client walks in. Someone who is able to hear everything behind that wall.
'I uh had one of my friends.. he grabbed me harshly and really scared me.. I just.. I don't want that happening... if I lose my son then I have nothing left...'
That's your voice Bucky hears clearly. He gets this ache in his chest the more he listens to the conversation, he knows he shouldn't, he would go rigid if someone eavesdropped on his conversation with the doctor but, he can't help but get curious.
'Have you been focusing on the good stuff? Like I advices last time?'
'Yeah, yeah I have I uh... I got the nursery done finally.. bought some clothes for this baby boy and got to look at some baby names...I figured I would keep my last name for him... Rogers just doesn't feel right anymore...' you explain to her and she nods.
Okay it really is you, no question about it. So Bucky takes out his phone and wants to text Steve but stops when the door finally opens. He didn't even realise that much time passed. He quickly hits send.
'Mr. Barnes...' your breath caches in your throat as you hear Dr. Raynor call out his name. 'Come on in...'
Bucky stands up slowly, keeping his eyes trained on you. You however avert your eyes and even flinch away from him. The ache only grows stronger.
'Y/n..' he tried to start but you shake your head.
You take out your own phone. You see some texts from dr. Cho, some reminders for your shopping list and a missed call from an unknown number.
•••
Your hands wrap around the warm mug in front of you, eyes trained on the steaming tea inside of it. Anything to not have to look up at him.
'Thanks for agreeing to this...'
You hum in response. You're not really into having a full blown, happy conversation with him at this point. Your belly has been hurting a little bit, maybe it's the baby kicking.
'Bucky heard you... in Dr. Raynors office...' he starts.
'And?' You finally look up. You lean back against the smooth leather of the booth.
'And I want to apologise...I shouldn't have acted the way I did... and I'm sorry it took me this long to realise-'
'It's been eight months, Steve...eight months!'
'I know-'
'I don't think you do... And that's not even the worst part... you turned everyone against me... so you have any idea what I had to go through in the past few months? I had to go to appointments alone, I had to get the paternity test alone even though it's risky... because all I wanted to do was prove to you that you are the father... I can't believe I'm such an idiot that I needed to prove the obvious...'
Steve's eyes go wide for a second before glossing over. He knows how fucked up everything is that he did.
'What are you even doing?'
'You weren't even going to tell me...'
'I've been telling you! For months I've said to you that it could only be yours... so don't try that bullshit on me-ah!' You hiss as a hand shoots to your belly, carefully cradling it.
'You okay?'
'Fine!' You snap back. 'I had to do it all alone so this isn't too hard to manage myself.. don't you worry about it...'
'I do worry about you... I have been for the past months..'
You sigh with closed eyes. Tears brim your eyes and you don't know if it's the hormones or not. You felt like absolute hell for the past months. All on your own, lonely and afraid and now he has the decency to care?
'You were right.. I would regret it and I do... I'm insecure and stubborn and an asshole... you deserve better..'
'I don't want better, I never did...' you croak out. 'I never once thought of even loving someone else... and I really thought everything would go differently...'
'It should've gone differently... I should've never doubted anything... I should've stepped up and I didn't and I'll never forgive myself for the pain I've put you through...and...' he takes a deep sigh. 'If you never want to see me again... that's fine.. if you don't want me in both your lives that's your decision to make and I will respect that...'
He's trying not to cry. Swallowing down the lump in his throat. He never wanted it to be like this. But he needs you to know he will respect whatever your wish is.
'I... I do want you to be in our sons life... I know what it's like to grow up without a father... I do not want that for our kid..' Steve sighs in relief.
'But the hurt you caused it... it's not going away like snow in the sun.. it takes time...'
Another jab in your belly makes you straighten your back a little.
'I understand... I know it's too much to ask but.. I would like to try and make it up to you... or at least show you how sorry I am... I just.. I've missed you so much and... that's completely my fault... but still...'
You give him a small smile as your hand reaches out to lay on top of his folded ones. 'I missed you too... I have to admit... even after all of this. I am half tempted to start where we left off.. not that we will do that but.. we've always been so strong together.. it's almost unreal that this would tear us apart...'
There it is again, another ache making you double over and huff out some air. 'Are you sure you're okay?'
You shake your head, more pain follows quickly. You let out a cry of pain and immediately Steve is by your side, like old times.
'What do you need me to do?'
You grab his hand and squeeze it tightly. 'Dr. Cho..' you whimper. 'Please...'
•••
Tears of joy stream down your face. You're exhausted and overjoyed at the same time. Steve is the same mess, only slightly less sweaty.
He pushes his head against yours before laying a gentle kiss on your cheek. 'You did it...you're amazing..' he whispers, your heart swells at the praise.
You let out a loud sob and his eyes immediately shoot open out of worry. 'Happy tears.. Stevie... I'm crying because I'm happy...'
'You had me worried there for a second...'
'Congratulations Miss Y/l/n and Mr. Rogers... you have a very healthy, and I mean extraordinary healthy baby boy...' Helen says as she gently lays down the baby in your arms.
'Hey there little guy...' Steve is the first to speak. Your eyes move over to his face.
He doesn't even see you staring at him, too cooped up with the small miracle in your arms. It was a good thing to not keep him away from this, it might've seemed weak to take him back in your life so quick. But you do not care what others think of it. You needed that and now look. Steve is the happiest man on earth and you're the happiest woman.
'I'm your dad.. Steve Rogers...and this is your gorgeous mother Y/n Y/l/n...'
The baby coos softly and you chuckle. 'And you're our little baby...' A fresh wave of tears makes it's way to the surface.
Steve finally looks at you again and an even bigger smile replaced the last one. 'I love you.. very much...'
'I love you too.. and our little gift...'