Sorry
Gazing at the lights coming out of the different quarters in both ways of the road, while I'm here in between, riding a taxi above the soil of the constituent State we once dreamed to live in, was something.. heartwarming.
And for somehow.. heartbreaking.
I can't help but move my hand against the car window as the ride goes on and my eyes admire the following Mediterranean style of the house. I smiled and touched my heart from the chest. I sniffed when the never-ending scheme of plans gradually flashes through my memory.
"Was that a pass for you?"
I started again looking at the blueprint. "I can't understand..." All I was aware of this thing was seeing white lines on blue paper!
Third chuckled. "Come, check this." He showed me his laptop. I gasped when I saw my dream style of house!
"Yo, that's so nice! So beautiful!" I turned to see Third's face. "Weren't you had too much Meditterenean house to live at?" I only saw him smile.
Confused, I once again took a picture of the architectural design of the house on his laptop. "Is that..."
"Was just a draft though. I requested it from my friend, Achi-"
"Babe..."I got teary-eyed too soon. The next thing I knew, I was jumping to sit on his lap, asking so many questions about house planning.
"Look, ang ganda nito, oh! I think it's perfect to put in the living room. Homey tingnan kapag medyo rustic ang furnitire, 'di ba, babe?"
Third only hummed and continue to kiss me lightly on the hair. I was showing him my furniture searches that I found really dreamy to put in the dream house.
"Ikaw? What do you want?"
"Ikaw bahala-"
"Naman kasi!" Lagi nalang siyang ganiyan kapag tinatanong ko! "I want to know what your tastes are, too!" This is our house! We decide fairly!
He sighed. "Sige na. I was really fascinated by the Spanish Revival..."
I imagined walls painted with warm tones, lots of arches and curves, and wrought iron on the corners of the house. "Hmm, nice... But like, it tells greek style too. They didn't seem to be strangers with one look."
There's so much to remember. After seeing Third, I started seeing signs from the pieces of memories we once built and lived at.
To: My bella
I'm nervous Mia. I wish he's cool with all of this.
I carried the phone to my chest while waiting for Mia's reply. I then try to reconcile everything that's going through my life until the process of fixing it. It's not like there's a need to build something I want, other than peace, but clarity.
Because I want us to share stories.
I want to ask Third kung kumusta na ba siya? Anong nangyari sa kaniya? Anong pinagkaabalahan niya nitong nagdaang taon? Nahirapan ba siyang mag- adjust? Nahirapan ba siyang kalimutan ako... Ang kasalanan ng Daddy niya...
Did he?
I'm not sure. But what I'm sure of is... whatever it is, I'm happy for him. It's his Dad and I know deep in his heart, that he loves his father as much as I gazillion hug my Dad and say 'I love you so much.' Because the Third I'd had a relationship with before was loving. I never doubt.. a little bit.
Ako, marami akong kuwento. At handa akong iparinig ang lahat sa kaniya, kahit abutin pa kami ng one week without getting real sleep... kung 'yon ang kinakailangan. But of course, it's clearly skeptical. Tho I wouldn't mind if it's him. If no one has ever done it, maybe we're the first one. That's impossible still. One week without sleep welcomes multiple complication.
At naalala ko si baby. Hindi ko siya kayang ipagpalit at i- sacrifice sa kahit ano. Hindi ko rin kayang i- sacrifice ang na-iimagine kong parang dragon na face ni Lucas habang bumubuga ng apoy sa 'kin.
I smiled and shook my head at the thought. Taking a hard context of your life wouldn't be that bad if you set a light joke in the making. Because right now, I feel like laughing my brain out.
The things you can do for yourself. For yourself to smile. Even the little things. That's self-love.
I exhaled an average amount of breath before stepping out of the car and walking my feet over the glass door of the restaurant. Kinabahan ako nang i- assist ako ng isang receptionist sa isang VVIP area na ipinalit ni Third sa ni- reserve kong table. I'm surprised.
"You don't have to," sabi ko agad pagkakita sa kaniya.
Nag- iwas siya ng tingin. "I want us to talk alone, and.. privately." He glanced at me. "Please, take your seat."
Agad akong tumango at dahan- dahang lumapit sa table. I feel so small every time I'm around his presence, kahit pa nga sobrang tangkad ko na para sa isang babae. He's like Lucas. Pero siguro'y matangkad pa rin ng one inch sa huli.
"Uhh... hi," I started.
I saw him smiled a bit. "Hello." His jaw tightened.
I cleared my throat. "So. Uh, how have you-"
"You know it's more diverting to talk things out with food to trouble," he cut off. "Shall we order first?"
"Sure!" Napabilis ata ang pagsabi ko roon. "O-of course."
Mahina siyang tumango. Pinagmasdan niya saglit ang mukha ko bago itinuon ang attention sa menu.
"I'm surprised," sabi niya habang nakatuon pa'rin ang attention sa menu to choose for something to order. "You asked me to a restaurant." Sinulyapan niya ako at binalik din agad ang tingin sa binabasa pagkalipat ng page sa menu. He even moved his hand na para bang sinasabi niya sa'king 'why you haven't still flipped the pages of the other menu in your hand'.
I hurriedly moved my eyes to focus on the food choices and flip a page, even though I didn't surpass sight to all the written lists and delectable images of different dishes.
"Uh, naisip ko lang na mas gusto mo pa rin ang mga nutritious foods." Sumilip ako sa siwang ng menu para tingnan siyang may harang din na menu sa mukha. "Hmm?"
Bigla niyang binaba ang hawak, allowing me to see his whole face now. Saglit lang dahil mabilis akong nagtago sa pagpili ulit ng kung ano man ang tinitingnan ko sa menu.
"Then how about you? Are you saying you're adjusting because of me?"
Shocked, my eyes went big. I pulled down the thing that was blocking our sight to fully see each other now.
"No! Not that! I'm avoiding processed food as much as possible because it's bad and unhealthy for the-" I gulped. "For myself."
Saglit akong huminga nang maluwag pagkatingin sa bandang gilid. Kinabahan ako roon, ah!
"Ano... Tumatanda na tayo. It's good to practice the same old habit unlisted in your aging days. Uhh... Hindi na ako bata." Tumingin ako sa kaniyang mapaglarong mukha.
As if he's about to stifle a chuckle if I only not check on him.
"You're right. We're not aging backward. I believe you're settled." He avoided his gaze.
"Almost," I corrected.
I saw his throat surge before raising a brow.
"Seven months engaged," I continued.
I fisted my hand. At least I moved a step closer.
"May I take your order? Ma'am, Sir?" singit ng waitress.
"Sure. I'll have steak."
"Walnut shrimp," sabi ko naman.
The start of the dinner was formal. Not similar to what I expected because of the casualty earlier. It was just really a matter of care with the selection of the conversation.
Third's hinting at the suspicion so maybe he just straightly expressed his heat out. At siyempre ako, sinagot ko with all honesty. Dahil 'yon naman talaga ang balak, at ang dapat. We're not wasting time here. But it became.. awkward.
"Kumusta ka na?" When I finally found the perfect beat to develop this dinner.
Maingat siyang humihiwa sa steak. "Maayos naman. Ikaw, ba?"
Ngumiti ako nang sweet. "Masaya." Tumango- tango ako. Nagtagal pa ang look ko sa kaniya.
He stared at me, too. "Good."
I noticed how Third's face enhanced in gentle darkness and more maturity than the last time I remember his face. But he still has it. The perfect jawline that sometimes tightens whenever he stared at me with his impenetrable look, especially the first days I met him...
The always-on thin line lips, perfect nose, and tame- lamblike lashes jogged in the memory that it's still him... Man who once tickled a part in my system. The man who snatched my heart before.
At hindi ko alam dahil parang naiiyak na naman ako ngayon. He has probably seen it that's why he avoided my gaze and turned to his plate, confused. I couldn't explain this to him because I was just staring at his familiar face and this happened.
I didn't know where I got the spirit. Maybe from the extended minutes of staring at his familiar face na pilit kong muling kinakabisado.
"You know I've missed you so much?" And I'm still...
I feel like my chest tightened. I feel it. I saw it in his eyes. He was still that same man back then. My kind and loving Noah...
"I wish you know..." I silently whispered so I don't really know if he's heard it.
He slowly stopped cutting the steak. Nagtagal pa lalo ang tingin niya sa plato na parang may malalim na pinag- iisipan bago ako tinapunan ng tingin.
"Of, course..."
My eyes sparkled with tears I didn't quite notice had formed. I blinked and looked down while sniffing.
"I'm sorry," I chuckled. These were tears of joy! He didn't know how he fixed my broken heart after seeing him again cold on the plane when he committed he knows that I care and think of him all after the years! Knowing how much I cut a piece of his heart... It feels like I had the assurance to finally close what's still hurting for us.. at ease. Everything was revived.. most importantly, my spirit to get the familiarity back and set aside each of the doubts. I so.. badly miss him.
"I'm... Wow. I'm so.. just.. glad. Like, really, I am! W-we should catch up more..."
"There's work.. but, sure."
I smiled. I remember his kindness to me. Third has more time for work before but he finds the time of dedicating it only meant for me because I was his priority. Now I know I am just a friend, he remained kind about it. And it meant a lot to me.
"If you're busy, I'm patient to wait naman..." Although I'm excited now and starting to think about the places where I still haven't been to. It had my tears didn't continue. It stopped and was replaced by a glint of grace in my eyes. I... was just happy, now...
I took a small bite of the shrimp. I'd say it's new by the fresh taste. "I heard a lot about the Sycamore Falls." I looked up at Third. "Do you think it's safe to go there?"
He gave me a single nod. "I've been there. Yes, it's safe..." marahan niyang sabi.
"You know I've been scrutinizing the place in blogs of voyagers and I was anticipating to have my own adventure there! You'll accompany my experience, then?" I tried to lift up brighter the mood. I was happy thinking that we're getting progress to make this as casual as again.
"I can."
Ngumuso ako. "Only if... you have the time, of course!"
"I'll make time for you."
Matagal akong nakatingin sa kaniya. I swallowed the building lump in my throat just again.
"Hindi naman kailangan... kung busy ka."
"I have cuts. It's fine."
I stopped to think of it.
"I'll work on my schedules," he pursued.
I may have gradually cleared the air. I feel it's working, at least for me. Pero... bakit parang iba pa rin siya. He.. seems off. Na para bang sinasabayan niya lang ako. Na he just doesn't want me to feel neglected kaya niya ako kinakausap. He's answering because I was asking. He doesn't want me to feel out so he's saying those things. Iyon ang nararamdaman ko.
I'm not sure if that really is but.. I, suddenly feel bad about myself. Am I trying so hard to let myself in? Maybe he was now to protecting himself but he's so kind he never wanted to say no to me even though what he truly wants was none of me? Because he doesn't think of cutting my hopes. Because he's kind...
"You don't need to..." I couldn't continue. "Magtatagal pa naman ako rito..."
He nodded. "You decide."
See. He won't even break something in my statements. He just only agrees.
Okay lang ba talaga sa kaniya? Ang lahat ng ito? Okay lang ba talaga?
Am I the only one who's exerting an effort to make this work?
All I call for is for us to hold each other as friends. The finest of it. Na sana huwag namang maaksaya ang magaganda naming memories noon dahil lang sa isang mapait na nakaraan. Panahon lang. That's what I only pleaded with him back in years to move on from everything.
But I didn't want him to wait because I never had the word of honor before myself that I'll be fine when my mother's death was the entire thing that lives in my world. I didn't learn I'll be purely fixed.. healed, and free.. kahit subok lang. I know it turned to a point it looked selfish of me, but that's just what it is. I wanted to save myself more than of saving others. Still, deep down, I know I didn't do it only for myself at the start of renewing things again. I did it for both of us. To our parents. To our future.
Ayaw kong ikulong si Third kaya ko siya pinakawalan. The tighter I'll hold him to stay by my side before will suffocate the both of us. It will make everything just want to slip away the tighter we hold on to them.
We need that time to start flowing and not forcing. Because we were completely aware of what was starting to fall one by one. Trust. Sense. Chracter. We're fully aware we're too fragmented to force ourselves to just go back in the love without blemish. Because I know we'll eventually grow tired of pushing ourselves to make everything work. And I don't want that to happen. I don't want to ever go through that vulnerable emotions when we're conscious about what is soon to uncontrollably spread until it's the end. I don't want to add the pain we will hopelessly encounter just because of the love that only the two of us could understand and feel. Kaya pinagunahan ko na. Because we need to think of our parents, too.. whose longing will be only remedied by us, their children.
What's the real kindest thing happened... minabuti ko na iparamdam na lang sa lahat ang pagmamahal na iyon. I did the decision years ago so all of us could start all over again. I extended the love through sacrifice. Space was what we needed most at that time. Me, Dad, him.. and his mom. All of us.
Mali ba... ang ginawa ko? Mali ba ang lahat ng iyon? Was it just only put in a waste? Nothing worthy of it? Everything?
"Third."
Sumubo muna siya ng meat bago tumingin sa 'kin. Because he's chewing, he got to only answer me in a hum.
"Are we really good?" I worriedly ask.
Napahinto siya. He gave me one painful look. Parang hindi na rin siya nakapagpigil. Maybe he feels what I feel. He knows how tight the situation I continuously play to build things proper and normal. Because I'm pushing for a good environment between us. Without any gap.
"I wish we're really okay," he said breathlessly.
Punong- puno ang mata ko ng pag-aalala, pagtataka at pagsusumamo. I want to understand.
I want to understand him.
He sighed. "Hey, Avi. I'm sorry if you're thinking the wrong way. I'm just... Well, it's really hard seeing you after those long years you stay covered, not wanting me to glimpse any of your shadows. And, truly now... I can only recall the moment you were walking on that plane, seeing you for the first time again. I just... It feels all fake. And now you're asking me that question after saying you are engaged a couple of minutes ago. I don't really know how I get here with a heavy heart when all was planned was for us to talk in peace and normal like...a usual lost acquaintance... like... you were never that girl."
Kumurap ako kasabay ng pagpatak nang mabibigat na luha.
"Just... how. How could you talk and show to me as sweet as that."
Hindi ko kinaya. "I didn't know. I-I'm sorry." I hurriedly stood up. "I'll just take the comfort room.. q-quickly. Excuse me."
I feel like I'll faint habang tumatayo sa upuan. Hindi ko na sinulyapan pa si Third at dali- daling naglakad papuntang powder room. Ramdam ko ang pangangatog ng binti ko habang pinupunusan ang patuloy na pumapatak na luha sa mata. Fuck, it hurts...
Why? Why I'm the one who's hurting for him. Wala naman siyang sinasabi na magmukmok ako dahil tingin ko naman ay masaya na siya sa kung ano ako at mayroon ako ngayon. Kahit hindi niya aminin, alam kong kahit masakit para sa kaniya ay iniintindi niya ako dahil si Third siya. He always thinks about me. Ako palagi ang inuuna niya. I'm always first in his priority than putting his time to evaluate the feelings he suffers himself. He... really didn't change. He's that same kind and loving Third...
Pero bakit? Why I'm still harshly affected and hurting? Sobra akong nasasaktan para sa kaniya....
The look on his face. His eyes with full of care. Full of love. Full of nurture. They all penetrate deep into my heart.
"Avi... Talk to me." I heard a soft knock outside.
I covered my mouth. Why is he always so gentle? Why is he always so kind? Why is it that he appears to me so sad and broken while solemnly admitting his true feelings earlier over a confession, still, he managed to get up and follow me here.
And I don't know what to feel. I feel saved by him... but I am hurting, really bad. Have.. I assuredly moved my heart on before going to another relationship?
Thinking about this, feeling all these... it confuses me.
Nagbanlaw ako ng kamay sa sink and tapped the both of my cheeks lightly. Binuksan ko ang pinto at si Third agad ang bumungad sa 'kin. My lips trembled. Nagtama agad ang mga mata namin.
His soft eyes.
It drives my heart to ache more.
His gentle face.
He's there to comfort me even though he's more probably hurt than me right now.
His hand.
He outstretched it soon he saw me almost crawl out with a weak stance. He's telling me he's expecting me to come out. I came back with his eyes again.
His eyes.
Like he's waiting for me at that door eight years from now...
I sobbed and silently stepped my feet closer to him while talking into his eyes with mine. I never quit moving my feet, hanggang sa sobrang lapit na ng presence ko sa kaniya. I can already feel his minty breath on my forehead. I wish this is just a dream but I want to feel him. Bahala na.
I moved my hand up to his face. I gently caress his skin and when I couldn't accept any bit longer the thought of he's just standing right in front of me, yet couldn't be mine like before... Na abot langit ko na siya pero hindi ko maramdaman ng buo.. sobrang pangungulila ang naramdaman ko.
Niyakap ko siya. I hugged him so tight as I cried. I hugged him to mend my broken heart. I hugged him to ease the longing I was feeling for him all these years. I miss him. I miss him so much.
"I miss you..." hikbi ko.
Gumanti siya ng kaparehong higpit ng pagkakayakap ko sa kaniya. Lalo akong nagsumiksik. I feel protected and safe... just like how this hug of him could fix everything in just a snap as before. Lalo pa akong yumakap hanggang sa maramdaman ko iyon.
His heart...
I can feel its beat. As if it was talking to mine that it was just right next to me. Very much in touch. And not wanting to let me go off the hug.
"You have no idea how I count this day to happen. I miss you, too, Avi." I feel his lips against the side of my forehead. "So damn much..."
"I'm sorry for everything, Third. I'm sorry. Forgive me..." I mumbled through the tears.
"I have forgiven you for a long time."
I cried and hugged him more. "Thank you. I'm sorry..." I continued to whisper those words while he was busy calming me down.
"All I want is for you to be happy. It's all okay. Please stop crying now," pag- aalo niya pa sa akin.
I nodded before relaxing with the hug. "I'm sorry." I never want to stop. I never want to stop saying sorry for him.
Sinilip ko siya using my blurred vision because of the vague tears. I'll never get tired of saying sorry to this man. I want to replace my sorry with the word I used before to let him go. The words that broke his heart. I want to recover it all by starting to say the never-ending sorry. I'm desperate.
He got a handkerchief from his pocket to dry up my tears. He was holding my chin to steady my face. "I want you to stop saying sorry to me from now on. One 'I miss you' paid it all."
'Thank you' would be a good replacement.
I cried more.
It took me a while to smile and mouth 'thank you'.