I know I promised to stay away from her but I can't... especially now that she's in pain. I couldn't stop myself from going near her when I saw her crying while taking the exam.
Afraid I might break her, I gently wiped the tears off her cheeks. The way she looked at me was unfamiliar. The girl I used to know, the girl who used to have a glint of joy in her eyes... she's gone now. Her eyes doesn't scream any emotion. She's empty.
"Claude, pumasok na tayo."
I ignored Daniesha and remained seated on the floor. Hindi pa din matanggal sa isip ko ang ekspresyong nakita sakanya. She doesn't look like herself and I get that the loss of her brother was too much to handle, but I just wish I could do something...
"Claude,"
"I'll wait for her, Yesha."
"Gusto mo na naman ba mapagalitan? Let her take the exam peacefully, Claude!"
Umangat ako ng tingin, "Does she look like she's at peace right now?"
"Claude, mapapagalitan ka na naman kapag hindi ka sumulpot sa klase." si Edwin
"I'll wait for her," I said with finality.
I can't stand doing nothing. I want to do something. I want her to share the pain with me, I want her to feel better. This isn't what Tyler wants for her, and this isn't want I want for her too. I want her to be happy. Damn it pain me to see her like this.
I got distracted when a professor saw me just right after his class. Pinagalitan ako kung bakit wala daw ako sa klase when I'm obviously just around the school.
Pagbaling ko sa table ni Hazel kanina ay wala na siya doon.
"Mr. Villanueva, you're still here? Wala ka bang klase?"
"Ma'am, si Hazel po?" I asked
"Kakaalis lang, tapos na siya sa test."
Disappointed, I went back to my class. Siguro bumalik na din na siya sa klase niya, I'll just check on her later. Unfortunately, we dismissed late kaya wala ng tao sa klase nila nang tingnan ko ito. I went to check on her in the afternoon only to find out she skipped her classes.
I got Edwin to cover up for me when I decided to check on her. She was crying this morning. Wala siyang kasama sa bahay nila kapag ganitong oras, and it's been a week since she's been keeping everything to herself, I can't let her alone deal with it. I know she needs time for herself, but I want to be there for her. I want to be with her through her dark days.
"Are you friends with Ate?" mataray na tanong ng kapatid niya.
The housekeeper let me in. Lumabas lang daw saglit si Hazel para bumili ng pagkain para sa mga kapatid. It wasn't necessary for her to do that since they have helpers, but she didn't grow up like that. Kaya hinayaan lang din nila.
"Yes,"
"Parang hindi naman. You're not here during her birthday when all of ate's friends were here."
Natawa ako sa sinabi niya. She surely is Hazel's sister.
"I have something to that time." I reasoned out
"But if you are her friend. Shouldn't you make time for her?"
Natahimik ako sa sinabi ni Vee. I wasn't doing anything that day, inimbitahan ako nina Nien pero hindi lang talaga ako sumulpot. Maybe Vee's right. Siguro nga hindi kami magkaibigan sa lagay na ito.
[I just think you might want to hear this but I saw Hazel walking alone. Dito sa poblacion.]
"Where are you?" I frowned
[Umuwi ako, hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko.]
"Wait, magpapaalam lang ako, pupuntahan kita."
[No, Claude. Go to her, mag-isa siyang naglalakad at mukhang walang balak mag tricycle.]
"Ashya–"
[Sumasakit lang ulo ko, don't overreact please.] mahina siyang tumawa
Nagmamadali akong pumara ng tricycle para puntahan si Hazel. Kaya lang, hindi pa ako nakakarating sa Poblacion ay nakita ko na siya sa daan na wala sa sariling naglalakad kaya bumaba ako para sundan siya.
I want to be mad when she suddenly turned left to take the secluded path. Isn't she thinking of her own safety? Hindi pa din ba niya alam na delikado kapag magisa siya? Hindi pa din ba niya alam kung ano yung apelyidong dinadala niya?
"Samahan na kita." I insisted when I got caught
"Kaya kong maglakad mag-isa."
Stubborn. I knew she would say that.
"Hazel." I called with authority. Can't she stop being stubborn for once?
"This isn't the first time I've taken this path. Kaya—"
I couldn't take it any longer. Ang pagtitimpi ko kanina ay hindi ko na nakayanan pigilan ngayon.
"So you've been doing this?! Don't you know what danger you're bringing to yourself?"
"Kaya ko ang sarili ko, Claude. You can leave now." aniya bago tuluyang naglakad.
I can't believe she's doing this to herself. This isn't how his brother wanted her to be...
"Paano kung ibang tao pala ang nakasunod sayo?"
"Bakit, ibang tao ba? Hindi naman ah. Hindi nga dapat ako dadaan dito kung hindi mo ako sinusundan eh!" she raised her voice too.
"You know someone's following you?" mas lalong tumaas ang boses ko, "at mas pinili mong dumaan dito kaysa sa kalsada na may mga taong dumadaan?!"
"Pakialam mo ba?" she looked at me as if I'm annoying her.
Alam niya. Alam niyang may nakasunod sakanya but she still tried to take this path! Seriously, what is she thinking? Ayaw kong isipin na ganon pero hindi ko maiwasang isipin... She isn't doing it. She can't be doing it.
Sandali lang akong natulala pero nawala na siya sa paningin ko. She ran as fast as she could but the food she's bringing with her is slowing her pace. Nang maabotan ko siya ay agad kong hinila ang palapulsuhan niya para matigil siya.
"Ano ba?!" sinubukan niyang kumalas but I held her tighter. I won't let you go this time.
"You're not doing this again."
"You're not going to dictate me that."
"Ano bang ginagawa mo sa sarili mo, Hazel? Ano bang pumasok sa utak mo at pinapahamak mo ang sarili mo?! What if I wasn't the one following you? Paano pag may nangyari sayo kanina ha? Sarili mo nalang ba ang iniisip mo?!" I panted
Mas lalo lang akong nagalit ng makitang ngumisi siya. What is she doing to herself? She's losing it, completely.
"You are underestimating me, Claude. I know how to fight back."
"Siguro kung makikipagsuntokan, oo. Pero paano kung sinubukan kang saksakin? Almost everyone know you're a big catch, Sierra. Knowing you, I doubt if you'd be given the chance to fight back."
Fear passed to her face. She couldn't look at me. She was looking at nothing when tears started to form in her eyes and the anger I was feeling earlier, it's all gone.
I knew I had to gain my strength again, I have to prepare myself again, because watching her cry is like being attacked by a series of bullets I can't shield.
"Stop pretending to be tough, Hazel." I said
I immediately bended to support her when I felt that she could no longer hold herself.
"Please stop pretending to be okay when you're with me. I know what's going on here. "
This is something I know very well. When she loves someone, she will invest herself. She loves completely that she doesn't left anything behind for herself. That's why I knew I had to step away when we were in Junior high school. And when I stepped away, no one was there for her. Her parents, cousins, even I wasn't there when she had gone through hardships but Tyler was there. He was the only person who was there for Hazel. She loves him so much that when he left, it's like she left with him too.
It was all too painful for her, but she can't go on like this. This has too stop. She's still alive, she should live. Not like this.
We were both in silence as we walk towards her house. Funny how I couldn't take my eyes off of her when she couldn't take her eyes off the road. Ngumisi ako, sana daanan nalang din ako.
"What is it?" I asked her when she suddenly stopped.
I followed her gaze and saw Yessenia and Nevielle not so far from us.
"It's Yessenia and Nevielle."
"Huh?" nagtataka siyang bumaling saakin.
"Si Yess at Nev." I repeated, in case they are the reason why she stopped. She's very conscious of being seen with me.
"Nasaan?" she looked around.
I frowned at her unexpected response. She was just looking at them.
"N-nasan s-sila?" she asked again before looking at Nevielle at Yessenia.
I thought she would finally see them but she turned to me again looking confused.
"Never mind." I shrugged it off when I realized the problem.
I could barely see her at school after that day. I assumed she was busy coping up with school but when I saw her one time during afternoon class, I think I assumed wrong.
I was torn in between walking away or going inside the restroom. Paakyat na kami ni Euphrasia galing sa immersion na inapply-an namin nang makita ko si Hazel na nagmamadaling pumasok sa restroom.
I know something's wrong the moment I saw her, and I was right. Even with the door between us, I could still her crying. I hate seeing her like this, but some things needs time to heal. She will get through this but maybe not now. She needs to feel everything, the pain, the heartbreaks, the hardships, she needs to feel it before it can grow as a beautiful tragedy.
"Lapitan mo na," Euphrasia said when she noticed me watching Hazel from the shore.
"I think she want to be alone, dalawang beses ng pinuntahan ni Nevielle."
"It doesn't always work like that. Sometimes, it's the opposite." she turned to look at Hazel too. "No one really wanted to be alone, Claude. I just think she really need someone who will stay beside her even if she didn't ask."
Even when I tried reaching out, she still seems so far away. Maybe pain could really change a person because right now, she looks like a whole different person.
Greeting her first thing in the morning, she smiled in answer. It was something I didn't expect she would do. If I did this months ago before her brother's death, for sure she would roll her eyes on me. But why is she acting all polite now as if I am someone not acquainted to her?
The result came out yesterday and almost everyone has been celebrating for the result. Halos lahat yata ng mga kakilala ko ay binati na ako, but what I really want is to be congratulated by her.
"Someone's really happy right now." Eustace smirked before taking Hazel's bag.
Hindi ko maiwasang mapangiti nalang din dahil sa napansin ng nakakabatang pinsan. Of course I am damn happy I got the chance to do these things without hiding it from her. I really want to treat her right, I want her to feel loved and I want her to have every good thing in this world because she deserves it.
"Cover up for me?"
"Ano na naman ang binabalak mo, Claude?"
"Trust me, you'll need my help more when that time comes."
I thought it was time for us to catch up. I thought it was time to let her know.
"What did you do?" tinaasan ko ng kilay si Euphrasia sa paglapit nito, "You're ignoring her, anong nangyari?"
"Section 15 , the privilege of the writ of habeas corpus shall not be suspended–"
"Claude!" sigaw niya na biglang ikinatahimik ng buong klase.
"What?"
"Really?! It's obvious na gusto kang kausapin ni Hazel kanina. Bakit ba nagkakaganyan ka?"
"She doesn't want to see me." I answered with my eyes still on the index card I'm holding.
"Says who? Naniniwala ka na naman ba sa mga sabi sabi?"
"Says herself, Ashya."
"And you believe that?"
"If I don't believe that then what am I supposed to believe?"
What am I supposed to believe when that was the only thing she told me? There was nothing for me to believe that she didn't mean it.
Gustuhin ko mang maniwala na hindi totoo ang sinabi niya ay hindi ko magawa. Everything seems to be just according to what she said.
I couldn't get her off my mind that I had decided to compromise. Kahit na may klase, nagpaalam akong hindi maganda ang pakiramdam ko para ma excuse. I went to her room but she wasn't there. She wasn't feeling well, kaya naman agad akong pumunta saaming restaurant sa Poblacion para kumuha ng pagkain. I was pretty sure she's alone because she always is, but I was wrong. She has a company.
Mas hindi ko alam kung anong mararamdaman ko nang makita ang kwintas na nahulog. Did she find out I was the one who gave that to her that she discarded it?
I wanted to talk to her. I want to believe that what I saw outside their house was just a friendly gesture. Kaya naman nang makita ko siyang umalis ng tent para kumuha ng refills ay sinundan ko. I wanted to talk to her so bad and ask her if she really meant what she said. Dahil kung sakaling totoo man.... gagawin ko. If that will make her feel better, I will do it even if it hurts me. But that doesn't mean I am letting her go because I will still wait.
"Please don't give up on me."
Slowly, my lips formed a smile. What did her cousins tell her this time to make her think I'm giving up on her? Ngayon pa? Ngayon pa ba na alam kong pareho namin gustong lumaban?
There's no way I am giving up on her, on us. It just made want to fight more now that I know I'm not going to be alone on this battle.
10/28/21 23:10