" THE WORLD
IS A CRUEL PLACE "
–
I liked to believe I knew Dallas better than most. The rough side of him shone through, but I took the time to discover every single layer of his heart and mind. The bright redness overtaking the whites of his eyes and a blue tint falling over his cheeks, what once was already a lonely gaze turned to a desolate one when Johnny's body became lifeless. He was entirely empty.
I really liked to think I knew him. But once he left that hospital room, without a single glance back, I had not a clue where he was headed. I knew it wasn't going to be good — Dallas was truly capable of a lot, and he'd never been more vulnerable. Vulnerability scared him.
I tried to run after him, but after he turned the corner of the hall I'd lost him. He was too far ahead. I didn't stop. My feet pounded against the ground as fast as possible and didn't stall until I got to the Curtis's door. Dallas wouldn't go there in a million years, but I needed the help looking for him.
I didn't hesitate in throwing open the door and rushing in, huffing until I could catch my breath.
The boy's celebratory moods from winning the rumble instantly shifted as they saw my distress. Two-bit put his beer to the side and rushed over, his brow furrowed and jaw tightened.
"Somethin' wrong Holls?"
He didn't know that everything was wrong. I had to be the one to let them know.
I was interrupted with Pony following shortly behind me, quiet, his hands shoved in his pockets and his head lowered. He didn't acknowledge anybody, just walked slowly through the living room. He was off somewhere in his own head, so far deep in it, I wasn't sure he would've heard me if I called his name.
"Johnny..." I trailed off, for a brief moment, and saw recognition wash over their faces almost instantly, "he's dead."
Some heads dropped. Soda threw his chin back and covered his eyes, weeping under his breath. Darrel choked on his sobs and the other boys tightened up and didn't say a word, their expressions distant. They'd all lost something truly important.
"I'm worried Dallas is gonna get himself into some trouble. He couldn't handle seeing Johnny die. I don't know where he went." I tangled my hands in my hair and gripped it tight, the stress causing my veins to pump and my breaths to shorten. I tried not to think about what he was off doing at that moment. I tried not to think about how things would never be the same, not without Johnny around.
Soda noticed the tears in my eyes and my hands that trembled immensely and pulled me into an embrace. I wrapped my arms around him and shoved my head in his shoulder. His palm rubbed circles on my back until I calmed slightly.
"Let's go find Dallas, so we can all be together right now. Alright?"
"Okay."
We were one step out the door when the phone rang. My head shot back and I looked to Steve who happened to be the closest to the phone, who didn't hesitate in reaching over the table and grabbing it. His look was grim and he didn't say a word for a few short moments after he picked it up.
Then he muttered, "no, Steve."
He looked at me. Taking the phone from his ear, he offered it over. "Dal."
I snatched it and brought it to the side of my face.
"Dallas?"
"Good. You're there," he said then stopped, but not long enough to waste time, "I robbed a store. The cops are after me. I messed up. I'm sorry, Holly, I-"
"Stop. Where are you?"
"I'm at a phone-booth. Uh, somewhere."
"We'll come to you. We'll get you out of this."
I clutched the handle of the phone as if it were his hand. Not seeing his face, knowing he was in pain, scared. I needed to be there for him. I wanted to make everything okay. Reverse time.
"I can't believe he's dead." The huffs and short breaths through the phone were like nails on a chalkboard. I couldn't do anything but listen to his sobs. "Johnny, man. Why him? The nicest goddamn kid I'd ever met and he's gone just like that. He was going places, he was gonna do good things, man."
"The world is a cruel place and he was too good for it." I thought the silence I was receiving from the other end so often was Dallas shedding a few tears. I hoped I was wrong, but the faint sniff and clearing off his throat proved me right. "Where can I find you?"
"Meet me in the park."
"I'm on my way." I almost hung up before he spoke one more time.
"I love you, Holly."
"Be safe. I love you."
Then the line went dead. I hung up.
With my lips pressed straight, I headed directly to the front door and nodded for the others to follow along behind me. "He's going to the park. The cops are after him. We really gotta go quick."
My gut wrenched as we all ran through the gates and out to the streets, to where we knew Dallas would be. It wasn't far. We could only hope we made it there before the fuzz. They knew Dallas Winston well — any reason to throw him away for life would fill the whole station's heart with glee. They saw him as a menace. A threat. If Dallas had his gun, I hoped to god he would throw it away.
The thick fog collected in the air and the dark night had a sort of blueness to it. I wondered if the sense of emptiness, the feeling that nothing would be alright, would leave me. The whole gang was headed to a downward spiral and I couldn't be the only one to see it. I was going right down with them. We all wanted our old lives back. To jump a couple of months in the past. The world wasn't necessarily kind to us then, but it sure didn't kill us.
I always tried to convince myself the universe worked in mysterious ways and everything happened for a reason. When I saw Johnny die, all I thought I'd known was swept away. It made no sense. There was no reason Johnny shouldn't have been back at the Curtis house celebrating the rumble.
I stuck behind Darry, the fog was so heavy I would've gotten lost otherwise. With my eyes glued forward, I kept my cool — my breaths were deep and my shaking hands were tucked away in my pockets.
I counted my steps, one after the other. It always helped me regulate my breath. Like those walks to Barnes street.
By step 150 I forced myself to believe that everything would turn out alright. If he got taken in by the fuzz, he always managed to get out on good behavior. All I knew is I'd stick by him no matter what happened.
We were going as fast as we could. Our feet all hitting the pavement almost overtook the sound of the sirens wailing in the distance, growing closer and closer the more steps we took.
Step 256. The fog drifted off to show a circumstance much worse than what I'd ever expected.
The cop's guns were raised to Dallas, who stood atop the hill waving his heater back in their direction. I couldn't make out what they were saying over the gang shouting to the police that it was unloaded. Drop it, I repeated in my head, my skin pale with terror.
I screamed. I screamed knowing what was imminent. The polarity of love and anger in himself that he had suppressed for long unveiled itself in a terrible way. His threats were cries for help, but none of that mattered to them.
He was just a young, reckless criminal with a gun waving through the air, and that's what they took him as.
A shot rang. Dallas dropped to the grass, grabbed himself in agony, and rolled. They didn't stop. Not until he was crawling on the pavement, struggling to hold his chin, smeared in his own blood. I stumbled running to kneel next to him. His breaths were shallow, but he still managed to look up at me, his mouth slightly agape.
"Why... Why, Dallas?"
I clung to him softly as I shook and tears ran down the sides of my face. I couldn't do much but sit there, knowing the faint grip that Dallas had left on my hand would only last a few more moments.
And with it left the life from his eyes and body.
He was gone.
Dallas was gone.
I went to feel around his neck, to see if there was a pulse so I could be wrong. I was pulled off instantly by a cop who made access for the paramedics, circling in on his body. I had to look away. If the cop weren't holding me under my arms, I'd have been on the pavement, puking my brains out.
My lids stayed shut. I held my breath. The sirens drowned out everything else.
Dallas is gone, I pressed my palms into my temples and squeezed my lids shut harder in an attempt to silence my thoughts.
I knocked the officer off of me. When he went to grab onto my shoulders I struck him under the chin with my elbow, causing him to clasp onto the side of his face and howl in pain. I screamed at him. They were horrible things I said, but every single one of them deserved it. The pigs.
My hands were pulled in by my wrist, my skin twisting. I fell to the ground and the pavement scraped over my skin. Some biting cold metal pressed against me and a half-second of searing pain rushed through my head. My words came to a halt and my mind went dark.
"Do you know where you are?"
The voice came in and out, floating through one ear and out the other.
"Holly - if you're awake, answer me."
Blackness invaded every bit of me — I had no idea where I was until the darkness turned to floating dots in the air and the dots disintegrated before me. My vision blurred and my head throbbed fiercely. I was in a hospital setting, and by my beside sat my father and my brother on either side of me. My dad squeezed my fingers and did a double take when my eyes opened, then urged for my brother to get the nurse. I shut my lids, the harsh fluorescent lights making my head burn.
"How do you feel sweetie?"
"Sick."
"You got hit pretty hard by one of the officers. They pushed you to the ground-" His face turned a dark red shade and his lips curled downward. "Tried to arrest you- can you believe that? Those guys are gonna get what they deserve, you better believe Holly."
My chin fell. I had nothing to say.
My dad fidgeted in his seat and rubbed his eyes, emitting a deep sigh. "Listen..."
"Stop..."
"Holly, I-"
"Please, dad, I want to be alone right now."
I never took my gaze from the white sheets I had bunched up in my fists.
When I closed my eyes, I expected him to be gone when I opened them back up. He was. The heavy door echoed through the lifeless room.
I brought my knees to my face and began to cry hard. I bawled my eyes out and tried to keep my sobs to a low volume until I couldn't take it anymore, and screamed into one of the pillows. I didn't stop, the sheet stained by the leftover mascara I'd had on until the nurse pushed open the door and ambled into the room.
"Holly Randle?"
I hung my head, managing a small nod.
"I'm sorry you're here today. How do you feel?"
Once the tears began to fade, I opened up to the nurse about all physicals pains I was having. I was sore, and aching for sure, but I figured it could have gone a lot worse than it did. I did hit a cop, after all.
After I curled over the side of the bed and hurled into the trash can, the nurse determined that I had a concussion. I sure didn't doubt it, because my brain felt like it was in flames.
Whether I was throwing up because I was injured or because I watched my soulmate get shot two hours prior, I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to spend another moment thinking of it. I wanted a dark room and a bed.
After an hour, my wishes were granted and I was released from the hospital. The doctor recommend I visited a shrink, knowing what I saw that night. Her words went right through my head. I couldn't take in much. My thoughts were jumbled because as much as I wanted to pretend it didn't happen, and I'd see Dallas later that day, I knew it wasn't true. I had his dried blood on my skin to remind me.
I had no fucking clue what to do.
I was shattered. My world was crumbling apart in front of me. I lost my future.
I felt sad — yet, numb because my mind fought over sadness and anger. I wished I could scream at him for what he did. How he pulled that gun. He knew what he was doing. My stomach dropped at the thought that he knew he was going to end his life, moments prior.
Dallas hated the world. He had only a handful of things that kept him there. He was hanging by a thread. That thread broke, and Dallas was gone.
That replayed in my mind as I lay in my bed, the darkness around me allowing my tears to stream wildly. I wondered if Dallas really wanted to leave the world. I hoped I could make him happier. My biggest mistake was forgetting how different we were.
A knock sounded so faint, I thought I'd imagined it. I was proved wrong when Steve's voice came through the cracks. "You in there Holls? Let's talk."
I couldn't say no to that. "Come in." My voice was hoarse.
The handle jiggled and in walked my brother, a grim expression pressed to his face appeared once he flicked on the lights and his shoulders hung low. He wasn't his usual self. How could he be, after losing two of his closest friends? The Curtis gang had a bond like no other. The boys all knew each other since they were kids. I knew them by association, but I wasn't good friends until I met Soda and Two-bit. Then I got to know them all a little more.
Johnny was the shy, timid one, but god, he was strong. The bravest guy I knew. Dallas said it himself, Johnny was going places. He was a good person, and that was rare around those parts.
Dallas was dangerous to me, at first. He taught me that sometimes the ones you are quick to judge are the ones you end up appreciating the most if you get to know them.
My heart ached. My stomach churned. My limbs trembled. My whole body felt as if it were failing me, however looking back on Dallas, he was worth every single tear.
"Are you okay?"
Steve wasn't the type to open up very much, or be able to express his emotions. I appreciated that he wanted to try for me. He knew I liked distraction when bad things happened in my life. He handled it when Hanson passed.
"No."
Steve brought me into an embrace for the first time I could remember in my life. He sat at the edge of my bed, his arm around me, and I fell into the hug with my head on his shoulders. The tears were flowing harder, and I knew in that moment, despite any disagreements or differences I had with my brother, he was always going to be there for me.
"Steve, Dallas pulled his gun knowing what would happen when he did." He didn't answer, waiting to see if I had anything to add. He was good for listening when I needed to get something out, and didn't open his mouth much unless he really needed to. "I feel... alone and confused, like he knew what he was doing. He knew he was leaving me. I guess he was too sad to care."
I couldn't blame Dallas for that. I would never know exactly how he felt, or if I ran through his mind before he grabbed the weapon. In the end, it really wasn't about me, and I hoped I truly made him feel loved while he was alive.
"Let me tell you something. Guys don't get around and talk about their feelings like girls do. But I know if something is wrong with any of the guys just if they're talking to me weird, or mention something, you know?" I knitted my brow, lost as to where he was heading. "Dallas made these comments a lot when you weren't around. Like he didn't think he was good for you, knowing the things he got you into. The only reason I never fought him was because I never heard him talk that way about someone. Actually, I'd never seen him worry about much of anything."
My lips sealed shut. I had no idea what to say to that. When I was with Dallas, I never had any doubts that he knew I was happy with him. I guess he just thought he was a bad influence. I could admit, some things we got ourselves into didn't look so great from the outside, but it sure felt great. I lived with him.
"Thank you Steve." I wiped my tears from my cheeks. He put into perspective the fact that no matter how much love I had for Dallas or he had for me, his mind was in much too dark of a place. So dark it was even taking over his thoughts about us.
He placed his hand on my mid back and rubbed. "Things will be okay." He stood up. "They will. I promise."
And with that, he was right back out my door as quick as he entered.