After taking a long bath & back dooring it with an equally long shower, I had time to myself, since obviously no one was here but me. Lex sent me a few links to different clinics I could go to & told me to call her in the morning when I decided on which one.
I know she said to wait until afterwards before I made any decisions & going against my better judgement & what she said, I was going to do what I dreaded but felt like I had to do. I stood in my kitchen, in my robe just looking at the results on my phone. Staring at the conception dates. The first date before the dash is the very day I had sex with all three men. Raw.
I couldn't stop the tears once they threatened to fall & ended up boo-hoo crying in the kitchen & I had to calm myself down. I loved Maurice too much to lose him, but the chances of him being the father seemed so slim. I was literally stuck between a rock & a hard place.
I sighed as I grabbed my phone & went to my bedroom to put it on the charger. I figured I'd just get the ball rolling in the morning & sleep on this shit. I knew I had to tell my mother, I was going to need a village for what I was about to do.
Sunday Morning
I huffed as I pulled into my mothers driveway. I knew she would be excited about the baby, seeing as she wanted grandbabies for a few years now. I had options on what I had to do but abortion was not one of them. My child didn't ask to be created & they shouldn't have to "die" because Mommy is a dumb ass. I'm all for women getting one if they want but I'm not getting one. I am more than ready to take care of a child...Even if that means doing it alone. I got out of the car & headed for her door. I could hear her little dogs barking & they kicked it up a notch once I rang the door bell.
"Who is it?" she called out from behind the door & before I could answer she already had opened it. Her face lit up when she seen mine & she stepped aside to let me in, pulling me into a hug & kissing my cheek once the door closed. "Hey beautiful, what brings you by?" she asked as I followed her to the living room.
"I have something to tell you & I didn't want to do it over the phone" I replied as I sat down.
"Oh my God, do you have cancer?!?!?" she dramatically asked & I couldn't help but chuckle. I forgot she was one of those types of people that thought everyone had bad news when they had to tell them something.
"No mama, I don't have cancer...You're gonna like this news" I said with a slight smile.
"Ok, well get on with it then. If it's not cancer, it can't be bad" she said as she sat down next to me. I took a deep breath & then told myself to cut the shit & just get on with it, like she said.
"I'm pregnant" I finally let it out after messing with my fingers & avoiding eye contact. She lifted my head by my chin & smiled at me, showing off the dimples I inherited from her.
She didn't speak at first & just pulled me into another hug, holding me like she used to do when I was a kid. We slowly swayed side to side, when I heard her sniffle. "Are you crying?" I asked as we finally let each other go. Looking at her face, she sure enough was.
"Girl, these are happy tears. I'm so excited, this is wonderful news...Have you told Andre yet?" she asked & that shit caught me off guard. She didn't know about what I had been up to because honestly it wasn't any of her business & that's not something you share with your mother anyway. "I'll call him & tell him, since I know y'all broke up & probably aren't talking" she said as she got up from the couch.
"Ma, NO!" I shouted as I stood up. I lowered my tone & spoke again. "I'll tell him myself...No disrespect but that's not your place" she looked me up & down & parted her mouth like she was going to say something then closed it. It was quiet for a little bit, with her cellphone in her hand, she kept looking at me as I sat back down.
"Denise it's his baby too. He should've been the first person you told" she said as she walked back to the couch. "I know you both have gone your separate ways but maybe this baby could bring you two back together" she sat down next to me again & put her hand on my knee.
"I doubt it. In fact, I'm against that completely" I said.
"I just don't want my grandchild growing up like you did. It was hard, Denise. You deserved to live & be with both of your parents & I just wanted the same for your child. That's why I was so happy about you & Andre possibly getting married. I knew that meant that when the kids did start coming, they'd have both of you in one home" she spilled.
"Mama it's not your fault that, that happened. Daddy made his choice when he decided to leave, so stop blaming yourself for his mistakes. You did a wonderful job with me, I had a great childhood & everything I wanted & needed. So if I have to raise this baby alone, I know they'll be fine like I was...Besides, there's a lot that has happened that you don't know about. So me & Andre are never getting back together. I'll just leave it at that."
She sighed & looked down before returning her eyes to my gaze. "Well, I'll tell your step father & your father, if that's ok. I'm sure they're going to be just as excited to be grandfather's as I am to be a grandmother." I was cool with that, but I didn't really care to tell my biological father. We didn't necessarily have the best relationship. In fact we hardly had one. We'd talk every once in a while but that was about it.
My mother must have called him as soon as I left because not long after leaving her house, I got a call from him. He wanted to meet outside of the courthouse downtown where he had about an hour recess from the trial he was currently working on. After parking, I looked around to find him & saw him near the steps smoking a cigarette. He put it out once our eyes met & stood up to hug me.
"Hey, gorgeous. You're looking more & more like your mother everyday" he complimented me. "So, she tells me you done messed around & got yourself pregnant...Congrats" he said with a smile, letting me go.
"Thanks, I guess...Honestly I didn't think you would care, you know since you never really had time for me anyway" I replied with a shrug, looking down at the ground. He rolled his eyes, sighed & looked around before looking at me again.
"Baby girl, you gotta let that hurt go. Every time I see you, you make it a point to...What's that y'all young folks say, throw shade? I did the best I could with the time I had back then."
"Sure you did" I said dryly as I folded my arms. He just chuckled & kept looking at me, as he adjusted his tie.
"I can't keep apologizing to you & your brother about the things I've done in the past. Can't change or fix it. I did my best -"
"Yeah, well your best wasn't enough!" I sort of shouted. He raised his hands in defense & shook his head.
"Do I wish I could've done better & made sure my kids knew each other better, yes. Do I wish I would've spent more time with y'all than I did, yeah. But I can't fix what I did back then, Niecy. I've been trying for years to make it up to the both of you but you especially just keep pushing me away. I'm excited about this baby just as much as your mother..."
"I just don't want my baby to be sold the same dream I was, you can understand that. Y'know, waiting for daddy, well in this case, granddaddy to come get them & you never show up because something came up. Missing shit because you're working."
"I understand that fully, baby girl. But I'm not that man anymore. I'll be retiring soon, so I'll have more than enough time for my grandbaby. Just don't keep me out, Niecy."
LATER
I went back in forth in my head, tapping my phone on my chin & pacing before I finally got the nerve to call Maurice. I was just gonna have to rip the Band-Aid off & move on solo in my life. As much as it killed me. I just didn't have the heart to tell him the full on truth. I didn't want him to look at me differently or love me any less. My heart wouldn't be able to handle let alone take that. I slept on it & this is what I chose. What I felt was best for me & my baby.
He answered all chipper & I knew that was about to change once I finally opened my mouth to let it out.
"So what names have you come up with?" he said with a good laugh afterwards. "The test was positive wasn't it? I told you!"
"Nah, it was negative. I'm not pregnant, Maurice" I lied. I made the decision to not tell either one of them about the baby. I was going to raise him or her alone, with the help of my village. My mother, stepfather, Lex & maybe even my father. My baby would want for nothing & have everything they would need. I was content in my choice. All of that to save myself the embarrassment.
"Damn, so it really was a stomach bug...Well, I don't mind practicing to get that baby. You know that" he laughed some more & the longer I stayed on this phone with him, the harder it was getting to end it, so I had to get on with it.
"Maurice, don't transfer your job down here" I cut his laugh short.
"Baby, what? I was just about to go talk to my boss about that after my break, why the change of plans?" It got real quiet between us before I spoke again.
"I hate to do this over the phone, but we can't be together, Maurice. I don't want you uprooting your life for me" I answered.
"But us being together is the sole reason I was transferring. I really don't get this shit, Niecy. Look bae, you can talk to me about whatever it is that's bothering you. Cause I can tell something is fuckin' with you. I won't judge you."
"Maurice, please-" I tried to speak but he cut me off.
"Nah, you're trying to shut me out. What happened? What's going on? Niecy talk to me. We're better than this" he pleaded.
"I love you" my voice cracked as I held back tears. "I'm so sorry, Maurice. Just forget that we ever reconnected, it's better that way."
"Niecy...I love you too, baby" his voice cracked too & it was harder to keep my tears in. So I let them fall down my face. It was killing me to do this because losing him was my biggest fear & yet I knew it was what was best.
"I have to go" I tried ending this call, the longer we stayed on this phone my mind was going to change & that wasn't the plan.
"Don't do this baby" he pleaded again.
"I'm sorry, Maurice..." I hung up & shook my head as the tears kept coming. He tried to call me back but I declined it. I had to let him go for his own good...And mine.