Song mentioned in chapter will be placed in multimedia above.
1997
Allen
"You nervous?" My mama questions me from the other end of the phone.
I look around the busy locker room, taking in the changes. After many trials and tribulations I've finally made it to the NBA. However, no one warned me about the politics that came with the success.
"Somewhat."
"You have no reason to be. Everything you've worked hard for has led you to this moment and many more to come. So show up and show out."
About three months before I graduated from high school, I made the mistake of turning down every offer that was presented to me. My head was focused on heading straight to the league but God had other plans for me.
The setback caused me to beg for my scholarships back but after turning my back to them, no one wanted to deal with me. I felt hopeless until Georgetown reached out to give me another chance. After spending a full year breaking records and winning awards, I was declared for the NBA draft as the league's top prospect.
I was the number one overall pick for the Philadelphia 76ers. A team my father has loved for decades. It was meant to be.
Now my life is moving at a fast pace but I'm enjoying every second of it. I don't have as much free time I would like to have but I'm not complaining. I knew the sacrifices I would have to make once I got here.
"How's everything else been lately?"
I shake my head as if she could see me.
"Everyone been giving me a hard time since I'm the rookie but I'm holding my own."
"Do I need to come there and talk to The Commissioner?"
I chuckle a little while responding.
"Nah ma I'm good, I don't need any help. Plus that'll be embarrassing."
"Iverson let's go! Got some reporters out here that wants to meet you." Our head coach reminds me before walking away.
"Look ma I gotta go I'll talk to you later."
"Okay good luck, I love you!"
Ending the call, I placed my phone into my bag and headed toward the door.
A few of us headed down the long tunnel, making our way toward the persistent reporters. I start thinking of a few generic answers just in case they asked something I wasn't comfortable with truthfully answering.
As we get closer, my vision started zeroing in and the whole world seemed to stop. My hero is heading our way with his security guards. If I was gonna speak first, I had to think of something memorable to say.
As soon as we got within arms reach, he glances over and speaks up first.
"Wassup you little bitch."
Taken aback, I chuckled lowly and let ignorance communicate the best it could. His insult bothered me, but I didn't let it show.
"A'ight man whatever." I respond while continuing down the hallway.
My heart raced as a whole new attitude took over me.
"Don't let him sweat you, he just tryna get in your head." Billy reminds me.
I didn't even realize he was nearby and heard that shit.
"I'm not trippin'." I shrug it off.
"Over here Iverson we want to ask you a few questions!"
I stop in front of the small crowd of people and let the questions fly.
"As a rookie going against the Chicago Bulls, do you have any strategies? Especially for this team?" The first reporter asks.
The team? Yeah. One particular player? Definitely.
"Just like every other game, I'm gonna give it my all once I step on the court, that's about it." I shrug.
"Being known as the new kid who spent one year at Georgetown before coming into the NBA, running the point on a NBA team, still learning and evolving as a basketball player on this level must be overwhelming am I right?" A blonde guy asks.
Hell yeah. I feel like I got the whole world on my shoulders.
"There's some pressure but I'm not letting it sweat me."
"Do you think what you've been experiencing lately is some sort of rookie hazing or is that something that just comes with the territory?"
To some degree. I get my fair treatment but I'm also getting the most bullshit handed to me. But I can't tell them that.
I thought about it for a moment before answering the question.
"I'm hoping it's because of that reason, by me being a rookie. However, I'm a grown man, I know how to deal with situations like this. I've been dealing with 'em for a while now. So with that being said I've just been taking it to the chin and just keep playing basketball, that's all I can do."
"Any advice for the future players out there that's watching?"
"A lot of guys, to get to the NBA, you've gotta have a lot of confidence, you've gotta have a lot of pride, you've gotta be competitive. And you've gotta have the right guys willing to make the sacrifice in order to be successful. So keep that in mind." I end it.
"Thank you for your time."
"A'ight." I nod before walking away.
Once I got back into the locker room, I chilled around and prepared myself until it was time to get ready. I should call Zaria but I know she got that tutoring thing going on around this time. Glancing over to Billy, I watched as he pulled out his uniform for tonight.
"Let me ask you something. You think you're with the woman you're supposed to be with?" I ask.
"Fuck this got to do with you not passing the ball?" He frowns.
"Just answer the question."
"You asking me if I married my soulmate?"
"Yeah."
He pauses for a second before shrugging.
"It depends on which day you ask."
I nod my head before returning back to lacing up my shoes.
"Doesn't really matter anymore man. I'm with who I'm with. So I just try to make it work no matter what." He continues.
"I feel you."
"Marriage is what you make it, know what I'm sayin?"
"Yeah." I agreed.
He suddenly stops fumbling with his uniform, turning to look at me with a stupid smirk on his face.
"Wait a minute. This about your girl isn't it?"
I ignored him until he grabbed my shoes from me, making me speak up.
"What you doing man, can I lace my damn shoes up?"
"Nah this about your girl back in Virginia right? She fucked you up, didn't she?" He laughs.
I sit back and thought it over. I can't even front, Zaria had me wrapped around her finger.
"I can't lie, every second of the day she's on my mind. Especially when we're apart, the shit is hard. I just feel like tying the knot with her is necessary."
The last time we were physically together I didn't want to leave her side. When I left, we were missing each other like crazy so I had to book another flight for the following weekend, just to come see her again. Since we're public and have a lot more freedom, we can't stand being away from one another.
"Damn. I ain't never heard you talk about her like this. You usually don't want none of us in your personal business. You really think she the one?"
"I've known since we were kids."
Now that I'm well off, I can make a change for the better. For our future.
Chilling on the bench, I watch my team warmup as I settled into game mode. Zoning myself in for this win. Glancing over, I see MJ shooting threes with his teammates.
For the first time in my life, a human being doesn't look real to me. It's like he's glowing and I can't keep my eyes off of him. I glance down at his shoes, lost in a trance. It's really Mike.
My idol.
A flashback hits me with a younger version of myself and Malik sitting in our math class talking about our favorite basketball players of all time. I warned him if I was to ever play against MJ, I'll have to try my move on him.
At that time I was a competitive ass kid. Truth is, I'm still that same kid just more determined. Since this is now my reality, I'll have to follow through.
It's the third quarter and we're down by seven points. Four minutes and thirty three seconds left on the clock as I quickly made my way down the court with the ball. Two of our opponents box me in, forcing me to pass the ball to Clarence.
Once they were off of me, I ran around to the front until I was open, receiving the ball again. Looking up, I realize MJ is making his way toward me.
"Michael! D up on him." Phil Jackson, The Bulls Coach, yells out.
We reached eye level as I drawed him out, making the crowd escalate with excitement. This is it, I'm about to try my move on the best person I've ever seen play the game.
I gave him a little cross to see if he'll bite on it. I let him set his feet then I stubbed him back again. Feeling the pressure makes him fall back. I pull up a jumper instantly making the three.
The crowd goes crazy as I run back for defense. Getting to the other end of the court in time, I watch MJ shoot the unsuccessful jumper. I reached for the rebound while also feeling a push from behind. Before I could react, a whistle suddenly blows causing me to stop and turn around.
The referee holds up three fingers, calling a personal foul on me. The crowd starts roaring and booing him. Anger takes over replacing my adrenaline as I ran toward him.
"Don't do this man, c'mon man." I held my arms up.
This my fourth personal foul for the night meaning I'll have to ride the bench for the remainder of the third quarter or until coach feels comfortable to let me back in.
"Take a seat." My coach pats me on the back as I sat down while grabbing a towel.
Anger still evident on my face as I watched one of the guys from the opposing team line up at the free throw line.
With a towel over my head I observed my teammates running the ball down the court. I finally cooled off a little but I was still upset over that bullshit ass call.
Once the fourth quarter hit, I was back in.
Using my resentment from the last quarter caused me go harder for the last nine minutes and thirty seconds of the game. However, twenty seconds before the final buzzer I fouled out completely with thirty seven overall points.
I didn't show any expression as the crowd clapped for me while I took a seat next to the bench warmers. Feeling defeated, I slouched down in my seat. At this point I'm just ready to hit the showers and call it a night.
"Hey Rookie."
I gripped the phone while leaning my forearm against the wall. Hearing Zaria's voice made all the anger I had within simmer down. Felt like nothing else mattered but her.
"Hey baby."
"You okay? You did really good so you shouldn't be upset."
"Them referees was bullshitting the whole time." I mumble while looking over my shoulder at my teammates.
"Yeah I know, we watched the whole game. I wish I could've called earlier. I was wrapped up with tutoring though."
"It's cool we talking now so it's all good." I yawn.
My body was getting heavier by the second, but I wasn't too exhausted so sleep and rest would have to wait until I got home.
"How did it feel to cross up one of your heroes?" She laughs.
I chuckle while thinking back on that moment.
"I had to do it, he was talking too much shit." I shake my head.
"Was he really?"
"Hell yeah so I had to show him wassup."
"And you did. I'm proud of you. And I miss you like crazy." She groaned.
"I miss you too girl. More than ever, you know that."
Everyone in the locker room started filing out with their bags. I picked up mine and followed behind.
"I gotta go, the crowd gonna be loud once I'm outside. I'll call you when I get home."
"Okay. I love you Al." She says softly.
"I love you too Z."
The next day, I landed at the airport in Virginia. My presence drew in a crowd but it wasn't too crazy. I had Mecca and a few other guys with me for security purposes just in case some shit popped off.
The crowd of kids kept pulling things out for me to sign. I did it with no complaints. I'm always appreciative of the love and support.
"Can you sign this?"
A blonde boy that had to be in his pre teens hands over a poster of me from my first photoshoot as a official 76er.
"What's your name?" I ask while grabbing the poster.
"Grant Hoyt."
I pause and glance toward him. There's no way this that man's son. I thought about it for a split second before asking him.
"Hoyt as in Officer Hoyt?"
His eyes lights up from my knowledge.
"You know my dad?"
Instead of answering right away, I scribbled a little message for him before signing my name at the bottom.
"Here you go. Stay in school." I ruffled his head.
He thanks me before walking off.
I watch as the kid approaches his father, showing off his signed possession. Sure enough, it was the officer that was talking crazy to us almost two years ago.
Crazy how the tables have turned.
Zaria
"Good job Anthony! I'm starting to think you never needed a tutor after all." I smile while handing his booklet back over to him.
"Oh I do. I just happen to get lucky with my answers sometimes."
"Mhm okay." I smirk before focusing on my own work.
Anthony is a kid I've been helping for about a week now. He's apart of the tutoring program at the library but I told him to meet me here at the forum for a change of scenery. Plus I'm trying to multitask and study for the SAT's that's coming up really soon.
"Have I ever told you that you have the most beautiful eyes?"
I look up to see him already staring in a trance. Did I mention this child has a serious crush on me? I've been dealing with his slick flirting for the last week. I smile lightly while nodding my head.
"Yes you told me yesterday, the day before, and the other days before." I remind him.
Embarrassment covers his face causing me to place my hand on his shoulder.
"But I appreciate your compliments every time." I thank him.
Tisean suddenly walks up to our table, grabbing the empty seat.
"Hey I didn't expect to see you here. You good? You haven't said much at all today." She starts.
Yesterday's game bothered me as if I was the one on the court. Just by hearing Allen's voice on the phone, I could tell he felt defeated and I hated that for him.
"I didn't really get any sleep last night." I admit.
"Because of the game? Chuck did his thing out there so you shouldn't trip."
Yolanda approaches our table greeting everyone.
"Hey ladies... and gentlemen." She smiles.
"Hey Ms. Yolanda, how you been?"
"Getting by. Trying to keep the capacity under control. Looks like I'm gonna have to hire some more security since I can't keep my eyes on everyone."
She's been paranoid after the incident that happened with Malik and Reggie. I honestly can't blame her though. It's best to be safe rather than sorry.
"Well thank you for allowing us to study here today. We would've chosen the library or my house but the pressed juices are too good." I tell her.
"No problem just make sure this one pay her three day old tab before y'all leave." She points at Tisean before walking away.
"I will! I got the money today!"
"Tone it down, will ya? I'm trying to study." Anthony fusses at her.
Tisean frowns and sizes him up.
"Little boy you're in the fifth grade. All you're studying is your times tables."
"Don't talk to him like that." I warn while trying to hold back my laughter.
"How you think you're gonna do on this SAT?" I ask her.
I know she hasn't been studying so I'm eager to hear what she'll say.
"I don't know. At this point I'm just crossing my fingers and doing eenie meenie miny moe with the answers." She shrugs.
I chuckle to myself before focusing back into my textbook. If I don't get a sixteen hundred, my mother would probably strangle me to death.
"Besides I'm not even tripping since I'm applying to go to this fashion school I seen in this magazine. Check it."
She pulls out a magazine and hands it over to me. I flipped through the pages frowning at the campus location listed at the bottom.
"Titi this says New York City." I hand the magazine back to her.
"So."
"So? Aunt Teri not gonna let you go out there alone."
"Yeah we'll see about that but speaking of fashion, I heard Deja got her big break as a model then ruined her first gig by getting into some extortion scheme with Radames."
My mouth drops at this new found information. Deja has the looks, height and beauty but no brains. Leave it to her to ruin a once in a lifetime opportunity behind a boy.
"When did this happen?"
"A few months ago. She back living with her mother." Tisean shakes her head.
"That's insane."
"Yo yo yo! Y'all know what time it is. Come check out the list and see who guy dissed." A guy yells before a crowd of people ran over to the stage area.
"Dammit." Tisean groans while covering her face.
"They're still doing that stupid annual list?" I shake my head.
The most immature boys at this school creates an annual most vs less likely list that expresses opinions on various body parts on the girls at school. I made the list my first year here and was voted most likely to get a forehead reduction. I cried home and told KJ and Allen about it. After they approached the guys and threatened to hurt the mastermind behind it, I never made the list again.
"Wassup ladies feel free to read who's on the list." Latrelle smiles while sitting the pastel colored paper near us.
He's the biggest class clown I've ever known in my life. Crazy thing about it is, he's not really that amusing. Unless you call teasing people and interrupting teachers humorous.
"Thanks Latrelle. Let's see what the hype is all about." Tisean grabs the paper.
I watch her face closely as she scanned for her name. Her expression was blank for the most part as she tosses the flimsy paper over to me. I picked it up and scanned over the various names that was listed in alphabetical order. Coming to her's, I whispered the sentence next to it.
"Tisean Ford voted less likely to grow some breast. C'mon Titi this is silly." I tell her while balling the paper up.
"That's easy for you to say. You're not even on this stupid list." She pouts.
"Wouldn't care if I was. I wouldn't let some immature, pimpled faced, stale chips smelling boys project their insecurities onto me."
Even though they got me upset the first time, I vowed to never let it happen again. Can't be having strangers pulling me out of character. Doesn't matter how true the statement may have been.
"Mhm you nor Chuck. You know if he was to ever find out again, he'll send his potnas out to handle it." She smirks.
"Oh please." I brush her off.
"I'm just saying! Everyone around here knows he don't play about his boo."
"Wait you have a boyfriend? I didn't know you were taken." Anthony shrieks with hurt.
"Focus on your work." I point to his next math problem.
Tisean's smirk grows wider, finding Anthony's outburst amusing.
"Why you so pressed lil man? You thought you would have a chance with my cousin?"
"Titi stop." I tell her.
"Well I wouldn't want you and your mosquito bites." He snaps back.
I cover my mouth in shock as she mean mugs him.
"I should slap you." She threatens him.
The sudden change within the building caught our attention with everyone crowding around the front door, causing us to turn their way.
"What's going on?" Tisean asks.
"I don't know."
Keeping my eyes glued to the door, I watched everyone fill up with excitement. Whatever it was had these people going crazy.
As the small crowd opened up, there was Allen walking through with a small smile on his face. My heart seemed to explode with joy as I screamed while standing up. I let my legs lead me before throwing myself onto him.
"Oh my God." I mumble to myself.
He laughed lightly while wrapping his arms around my body, picking me up mid air. My arms squeezes his neck really tight as I try to wake myself from this dream. Pulling away, our lips touched making me realize that this is definitely reality.
"Surprise." He mumbles on my lips before pulling away, handing me a bouquet of roses I didn't notice before.
I grab them and placed them under my nose, breathing in the fresh smell.
"How'd you get here so fast? You were just in Philly." I ask.
We haven't seen each other in months with his schedule being completely full. Having him standing in front of me now is kinda trippy. I'm not sure on how I should react with my emotions all over the place.
"I've been missing you like crazy so I took the first flight here just to see you."
"Awww." The crowd of girls cooed together.
"That's so sweet of you." I smile.
"You coming up in here like you're Denzel or somebody." Tisean makes her presence known.
"Wassup Titi." Allen responds while pulling her into a side hug.
"Wassup cousin. I seen you putting in work last night."
"Yeah I be trying."
"Did you tell KJ you were coming?" I ask.
"Nah, only Mr. Campbell. He wants me to stop by the elementary school tomorrow to talk to the kids."
"Aw that's nice. Well let's get to the house, everyone will be happy to see you."
I rush over to the table, throwing my books and pens into my bag.
"Girl did you forget you were studying?" Tisean reminds me.
"I can study another day. Anthony I'll meet up with you tomorrow okay?"
I walked away before he could respond. Grabbing Allen's hand, I lead him through the crowd and out of the door. We both rode to my house together in my new jeep, arriving within fifteen minutes.
"Hey look who decided to show up!" I yell once we walked into the house.
My mother is the first to come from the kitchen. She yells out with a smile while making her way over. Allen smiles brightly while pulling her into a friendly hug.
"Hey mama Ree."
"It's so good to see you. You look so well put together. I was telling Zaria how I didn't even recognize you on the television set with your hair grown out."
"I just wanted to do something different." He says while adjusting his hat over his mini fro.
"Well it looks great."
KJ comes from around the corner, greeting Allen with a brotherly handshake and hug.
"Wassup bro, aye that crossover on Jordan was the big talk in school today."
"Word? That's wassup."
"Did you plan on doing that though? Or was it something you improvised at the moment?" KJ asks.
"I ain't plan it he just switched out on me. Once he came out there, I put my move to the test. I wanted to see if it was real." Allen answers.
"Well aye it had to be real if it worked on one of the best players that ever played the game."
The two of them chuckle while agreeing.
"Hey Chuck."
I look over to see Diana approach us with Omari on her hip.
"Wassup Diana, I see you got lil man hooked to you." Allen reaches out to touch Omari's chunky hand.
"Yeah he won't let me put him down today. Say hi uncle Chuck." Diana encourages him.
Omari babbles a few incoherent words making everyone laugh a little.
"Let's go catch up in the back, being around all this estrogen and baby poop be stressing me out." KJ leads Allen to the back patio.
"How you just gonna take my company?" I frown.
"You'll be good." KJ brushes me off.
Once the two were gone, I walked inside the kitchen and approached my mother who was preparing the food for tonight.
"Ma."
"Hmm?" She hums sweetly.
"Can Allen stay for dinner?"
"Of course, you know you don't have to ask." She responds while multitasking.
"Soooo I guess I don't have to ask to stay at his hotel with him tonight either." I mumble.
She pauses then looks over to me with an eyebrow raised.
"Excuse me?"
"Please?" I beg.
"Did you forget your promise to your father? He'll be here to pick you and KJ up in about two hours."
"But Al is only here for today. He flew here to check up on me since we haven't seen each other in like months. Dad can just spend quality time with KJ." I suggest.
"No. I taught you to always keep your promises, you know that."
"Okay you're doing too much now. I'll just stay with Al tonight then have him drop me off in the morning. Simple." I cross my arms like it was a done deal.
"Nope."
"Pretty please?"
"Don't push me. Besides why would I let you stay with him anyway? That would be irresponsible of me."
She acting like I'm not responsible enough to make smart decisions. I glance over to Diana begging for help with my eyes. She gave me a look before focusing on Omari. So much for that. Giving up, I headed to the back where the guys were.
"You seen that memorial set up outside the forum?" KJ asks Allen.
"Yeah it's a'ight. Who's idea was it to put it there?"
I approached the two standing behind Allen, without saying a word. Placing my arms around his neck from behind, causes him to slightly turn his head. KJ continued their ongoing conversation.
"Ms. Yolanda did it herself. She said he didn't deserve what happened to him no matter how others viewed him."
"She's right. He didn't have to go out like that."
Allen pulls me around in front of him, in a very gentle way, letting me sit on his lap. I snuggled my butt against him, resting my arms around his neck. I wiggled to get comfortable, felt part of him swell. I love that I could arouse him like that. And that feeling awakened some parts in me too.
"Can't you see two men talking?"
I turn to KJ, rolling my eyes.
"Boy please."
"Anyway. Whatever happened to his girl? She disappeared after the incident." KJ continues his conversation.
"She moved back to Jersey. I send her money every now and then just to make sure she straight."
The two continued talking as I shared his warmth while he enjoyed mine. I relaxed my body letting my head rest against his chest. He rested his hand on my upper back, I'm sure it was out of respect for KJ. Being in his arms is calming.
I'm at peace with him.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked once KJ left to go back inside.
"How much I've missed you."
His words trickled through me, gave me so much ease. It felt like we were in a space where nothing mattered but us. And after going through what we've been through these past two years, moments like these were appreciated.
After dinner we ended up in my bedroom with the door closed and locked. I made sure to play Mary J Blige's newest album with the volume up so it could drown out our voices. I didn't want anyone listening in on our private conversations.
The song Everything starts playing in the background while Allen is sitting on the edge of my bed with me straddling his lap. Our lips moved in sync as his hands explored my body. Him gripping my butt and pulling me closer to himself caused me to melt into his arms.
Our tongues brushed against each other as my jaw opened more for his entrance. With our mouths moving in sync, we were practically trying to take each others lips off. I could hardly breathe from the overwhelming passion.
I could feel this becoming more intense as each second passed. Not wanting to escalate to another level so soon, I quickly pulled away. The look on his face showed how much he didn't appreciate it.
"I'm so happy you're here. I wish my mother would let me spend the night with you. She's making me keep my promise with our dad."
I stood up from his lap, making my way toward my closet.
"You want to see my prom dress?" I ask, not caring for his response cause I was gonna show him anyway.
Pushing a few sweaters aside, I reached for the plastic covered dress before stepping back out for him to see.
"Ta-daaa! I decided to choose this pretty pink color instead of sage, you like?"
"Yeah it's nice." he responds lowly.
I returned the dress back into the closet.
"So now you gotta find a tux to match. I was thinking white but all black with a dash of pink could work too." I smiled.
Allen didn't respond.
His eyes just observed me closely, freaking me out. He wore a something's-on-my-mind expression. I walk over, stopping once I was hovering over him.
"What's wrong?" I ask lowly.
He snaps out of his thoughts while looking up into my eyes. His hands snakes around the back of my thighs, causing me to slightly brush them off. He knows I'm ticklish there.
"Whatchu mean?"
"Why you looking at me like that?"
"Like what?"
I push his shoulder knowing the trick he's trying to play.
"I'm serious. Tell me what's on your mind."
He takes a deep breath before responding.
"What you think about people getting married while they're still in school?" He asks while looking into my eyes.
I take a moment to think over his question, not really sure where he's going with this.
"What you tryna ask me something?"
"I just wanna know what you thought about that kinda situation."
I remain silent, not knowing how to respond. Allen pulls me closer by my waist, still looking up into my eyes.
"Talk to me." He says lowly.
I take a seat next to him while holding his left hand.
"I think it could be good if two people really love each other." I finally respond.
"Yeah?"
"Mhm."
"So if I was to ask you to marry me right now you'd be down?"
My heart drops to my toes. Throat started feeling tighter than ever. I didn't know how to answer such a serious question.
"Zaria."
I pull myself together before answering.
"Why is that even a question?"
"Just answer it." Allen pushes.
"I don't know."
"How? When you just said you'd think it'll work if two people love each other." He frowns.
"It's more to it though. I'm not in a relationship with some random guy. You're a professional ball player so it's different for me."
A don't-do-this-to-me gaze was set in his eyes. I can feel the energy in this room changing drastically.
"I never told you this but I get so much shit from people almost everyday just because I'm with you." I confess.
When Allen got drafted, it was only a matter of time before his fame clouded over me. I have girls constantly mugging me with a you-think-you-all-that frown. Guys that I wouldn't give the time of day wants to holla just to see if they can pull the top pick's girl.
The situation is draining but I never complained, until now.
"You prioritizing strangers feelings over us? You shouldn't even be worried about them."
Easy for him to say. He doesn't have to deal with these people in this town every single day.
"What are we doing then huh? What exactly do you want from me?" He asks with a hint of frustration laced in his tone.
The look he gave me scared me. He was focused. His breathing slowing.
"I want you." I assure him.
"And I'm trying to give myself to you."
Marriage isn't something that should be taken lightly. It's a serious commitment that we're not quite ready for yet.
"I know, I'm just scared." My voice lowered.
The way he looked into me, I knew what he saw. What I couldn't hide, and how I felt about him. I really wanted to follow through, but I'm afraid.
Afraid of what people would say and afraid of taking that next step. I'm not ashamed to let him see the drops of fear within. My vulnerability always shined when I'm with him.
"I'd like to get married one day. Eventually." I share.
He didn't say anything. He just listened.
"I'm not saying that because-" I pause getting my thoughts together.
"I don't want you to think I'm trying to run away from our relationship. I have imagined it before. I think it's a natural process. Part of the evolution of a relationship. But after witnessing my own parents failed marriage I can't help but to wonder, where do you go after joining as one? Does the relationship dissolve or does it move to a higher level?" I ramble.
A sudden knock stops our conversation.
"Yo Zaria! Pops is here." KJ yells from behind the door.
I quickly stand up and powered off the music. Allen remains silent while grabbing my bags that were sitting in the corner, and proceeds to follow me out of the bedroom.
Once we made it to the living room, we noticed my father standing near the door. Allen decided to greet him with a firm handshake.
"Wassup Mr. Smith."
"Allen. Wasn't expecting to see you here." He responds while shaking his hand.
I grabbed my bags from Allen, handing it over to my father.
"Here's my stuff."
He grabs it as I turned and stepped toward Allen's direction. I could see the hurt in his eyes as I got closer. My heart slowly starts breaking cause that wasn't my intention.
"Maybe we should think about this. Be open with what each of us wants. Talk about it. Find some direction." I offered.
He nod his head.
"Yeah."
I wrap my arms around his neck, letting his arms wrap around my waist. Gently pulling his head down to mine, I land a soft kiss on his lips. His hands gripped me gently, not wanting to let go.
Grunting and throat-clearing sounds came across the room, loud and clear. I slowly pulled away before glaring over to my father. He shifted his stance then glared back at me.
"Pop you good? Got something in your throat?" KJ smirks.
When I turned back to Allen, I realized his eyes were still fixed on me.
"I'll call you as soon as I get the chance." He kisses my cheek before turning to everyone else.
"It was nice seeing everyone."
"Nice seeing you too Allen you be safe out there okay?" My mother tells him.
He does his final farewells before heading out to his awaiting ride. Our father turned to our mother with a pissed off expression on his face.
"Why are you allowing that to happen?"
"You have a problem with how I'm running my household?" Our mother sasses back.
Our father dropped his shoulders and ran his fingers through his beard.
"Our daughter shouldn't be kissing young men in front of adults."
Her eyes shifts over to KJ and I, noticing we were all ears. She pointed to the car while speaking up.
"You two go put your things in the car while I have a talk with your father."
We both picked up our bags and headed out the door. Those two would probably be going on and on for hours.
After our father moved out, our household has changed a lot. We still had rules but we didn't have to walk on pins and needles anymore. Our mother made it easier for us to be teenagers.
She became a listening ear, more trust worthy, and easy to be around. Which is why KJ and I were so comfortable with bringing our partners around. There's no reason for us to be sneaky behind her back. As long as we didn't get disrespectful, everything was approved.
I kept tossing and turning during the night, thinking about my conversation with Allen. I kept overthinking about the possibilities. Outweighing the pros and cons of each decision, making the situation bigger that what it is. At some point my thoughts became uncontrollable, causing me to come to a conclusion.
Looking over to the clock, I read the time in red bold letters. Twelve twenty three am. Allen should still be up. My eyes shifts over to KJ, watching him sleep peacefully on the other couch. I tossed my covers back and slowly stood up before heading to the kitchen for the phone.
Once I grabbed it, I dialed Allen's cell number. Since my father's place is so small, I made my way out to his balcony just so I could have some privacy. After the third ring, he finally picks up.
"Hello?"
"I've been thinking about our talk.. about us." I start.
He remains silent waiting for me to continue on. The tears starts rolling down my cheeks as I struggled to spit out my next sentence.
"I don't think this can work." I breathed out.
"Zaria-"
I stop him.
"Just hear me out."
I take a deep breath before continuing on.
"I feel like I'm holding you back. I know you want to start our lives together but I'm just not ready. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't have to be."
He released a frustrated sigh, making my heart pound harder and louder in my ears.
"You shouldn't jump to conclusions like this. Forget I asked a'ight? Let's just keep doing us until we're in a good space."
"But you deserve better." I sniffle while wiping my tears away.
"Baby stop crying."
I kept letting the tears fall before slowly pausing. I needed to get myself together so he could hear me clearly when I say these next few words.
"I don't want to be together anymore."
He was quiet for a while. So was I. When I spoke again, my voice was more shaky.
"Al are you there?"
"Yeah." His voice softened.
I felt a pang of remorse.
"I want you to go and live your dream and find the perfect girl that'll be there for you through it all. You deserve that and so much more."
"I hear you." He sounds defeated.
I let the silent tears roll down the side of my face and wet my t-shirt. Chewed my bottom lip, and twisted my hair at the roots for a while.
The thought of him not being around, of him having to go away and out of my life so fast hurt me more than the sky's darkness would show.
How sad, that all things come to an end.
@assertiveT_