October 1989
"She hasn't talked to anyone but them in around five and a half months now," Carolyn told the child psychiatrist as they watched Ellowyn play. The room was painted bright yellow with carpet covered in a cartoon roadway containing parks, houses and stores. There were clouds painted on the walls, and lots of toys and bricks. There was one window, very high to the ceiling. Ellowyn had been taken here once a week for the last month. "Don't you think it's something a little more serious than just grief?"
"Have you tried engaging with her about them?" Dr. Gracen asked. "Try talking with her about these imaginary friends. It's perfectly normal for a grieving child to turn to their mind for comfort."
"Why would I entertain that?" Carolyn snapped. She was not coping with her daughters selective mutism well in the slightest. Carolyn was quick tempered, and never the best listener. But until the mutism, the imaginary friends hadn't become a problem. Ellowyn was polite, kind, and a timid eight year old. She had a hard time making friends but nobody disliked her.
"Because it could give you insight into her inner world. What she's thinking." Dr. Gracen explained. "You need to show sympathy, and interest. She needs to know you care about what she has to say."
Carolyn crossed her arms as she heard Ellowyn speak softly, knocking down a pile of blocks she had just stacked up. She sighed, walking up to her slowly as if she was a small, startled animal, and kneeled beside her. "Ellie?" She called out for her daughter. Her daughter quickly stopped talking and shut down, as if no one was home. Ellowyn put her arms to her sides, and began picking up the foam blocks. "If it's alright with you, I'd like to hear about your friends. They seem very nice for you to spend so much time with them."
Ellowyn looked up to Syn making faces above her mother. She giggled at the gestures, to which her mother gave her a confused look.
Carolyn tried her hardest not to lose her quick temper. "What are you laughing at honey?"
"Synyster," Ellowyn uttered the first word to her mother she had in five and a half months. "He doesn't like you very much."
Carolyn looked stunned. "Who's... Who's Synyster?"
"His real name is Brian Elwin. We have close names."
Carolyn nodded. "Who else is with playing with us today?"
Ellowyn looked around the room. Jimmy sitting with the stuffed animals in the corner, Shadows sitting right beside her, and Zacky standing besides the doctor.
"Jim. Shadow. And Zacky." Ellowyn said quietly. "They were at my screening too. Please don't be mad mommy, I told them they could come."
"She's gonna be mad Ells," Syn told her, shaking his head. "She's always mad. Remember when Robert died?"
"Yeah," She looked up to Syn. "She was so mad."
"Ellowyn," Her mom snapped her back to the conversation. "I'm not mad at you baby, I just want you to talk to me."
"Bad idea goose," Jim said from the corner, holding up a big stuffed duck. She looked back at him. "Talking makes her even madder. You shouldn't have told her we were here."
"I'm sorry I told her," Ellowyn looked down.
"It's okay Ells." Shadow said from beside her, pulling an arm around her and giving her a squeeze. "You love your mom. That's okay. I'm sorry she doesn't understand."
She nodded. "I don't wanna talk anymore mommy."
Carolyn's face dropped, a look of desperation crossing it. "Ellie, please just talk to me. I want you to talk with me. God, why can't you do one damn thing I ask you to Ellowyn Jane? Talk to me right this instant!" Carolyn got cross. Ellowyn just retracted further into herself, leaning into Shadow as he rubbed her back.
Carolyn looked at the way her daughter contorted herself in the air, leaning sideways twisted as if she was leaning on someone.
"Ellowyn, you need to talk to me. If you don't talk to me I'll..." Carolyn tried to think of a punishment in her frustration. Dr. Gracen walked up to her, putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Carolyn," The doctor said. "Let it go. Take a deep breath."
Carolyn started sobbing. Relentlessly. "Why won't she just talk to me?"
"She was! You made good progress. She communicated that she didn't want to talk. That proves it's deeply selective and can be reversed."
"I'm sick of this, I'm sick of it."
Carolyn thought back to the call she got when her husband's car had been hit in a head on collision by a drunk driver. Ellowyn's dad has been dead for seven months. Ellowyn was put until temporary care by CPS until Carolyn was deemed fit to care for her, which took a month after her episode. She did things she regrets and hates herself for; she scared her daughter half to death with all her screaming and crying and throwing things.
And while her mom had a breakdown, Shadow stayed under the covers with her as she cried into her pillow. And he never left once. He hadn't really left her alone since.
"I know you're exhausted by it, Carolyn."
"I'm a horrible mother," She choked out. "I don't... I don't really think I can do it anymore Gracen."
Ellowyn looked up at her mother's words, and her heart started pounding.
"She's not gonna leave you," Zacky walked over to her, crouching to meet her level. But she could already feel the tears forming.
"Is there anywhere you could put her? Just... Until we work through this? I can't..." Carolyn trailed off. "I can't."
Ellowyn's mind screamed but no words came out. Not even to her friends. Zack and Shadow just sat on either side of her, comforting her.
"We can put her into foster care again temporarily. Until you're ready. The first step to becoming a better mother is to remove yourself when you're unable to care for your child. You're doing great, Carolyn." The doctor put a hand on her mother's shoulder
"NO!" Ellowyn suddenly screamed. "DON'T PUT ME BACK THERE!"
Dr. Gracen approached, accidentally kicking Zacky in the head as she walked over him. "Ellowyn, you need to be in the best care possible during this time-"
"GET AWAY FROM ME!" Ellowyn tried kicking her away with her little feet, falling back into Shadow. Dr. Gracen didn't get away though, she just tried to pick her up. Carolyn cried in the corner of the room. "I SAID GO AWAY!" Ellowyn said as she bit down on the doctor's arm, hard.
Dr. Gracen shrieked, as Syn smiled at the action. "Nice goin', Ells."
"Backup in room 12A, eight year old female being non cooperative, need reinforcement." Gracen scowled into her monitor, inspecting the bleeding bite mark and broken skin around it.
"I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!" Ellowyn used a big girl word Syn had taught her, spitting on the doctor's foot. "I HATE YOU BOTH!"
And she was sedated, and then she didn't see her mom again.