Gulf decides to go out from his room when he realizes that he can’t sleep anymore. He has been tossing and turning for almost an hour and he still did not feel sleepy. He slept the entire day after the short meet and greet, which still feels untrue to him.
He feels quite guilty by using his condition as an excuse, when in fact, he is merely unprepared to face the reality. It seems more realistic the moment he met his future in-laws and the father of his child.
Or maybe it’s just him.
The fact that he didn’t even tell his friends, especially Bright who will surely sulk at him or even get mad, is his subconscious way of denying reality. The more people know, the more realistic it becomes.
It is almost midnight and Gulf decides to just pass the time on the poolside area.
The house is quiet which means maybe everyone is already asleep excluding the security team loitering around the mansion. He sighs. How he wishes quiet and peace is the same thing, unfortunately it’s not. His mind has not been at peace for the past weeks.
He lays on one of the chaise lounges and gazes up on the starless sky. His eyes actually still feel kind of heavy from crying hours before but he always feels a little better after crying with the extreme tiredness he can’t put into words.
What will happen to him the day after tomorrow? After the wedding? After leaving home? After living with a stranger? After two years?
Gulf’s mind is gushing with questions and sadly, nobody knows the answer to them. He sighs. Only time will tell. But a small smile creeps on his face when he pictures the presence of his child by then.
“It’s cold out here.”
Gulf is a little startled upon hearing an unfamiliar baritone. He jolts to sit only to realize his future husband striding towards his direction. He gulps. Discomfort crawling within him.
“And you’re pregnant.”
When Gulf feels warmth enveloping him, only then he realized that the other person has draped a comforter around him. He seems to be in daze and he feels extremely awkward not knowing what to do.
“T-Thanks…” Gulf trails off unsure how to address the man. “Mr. S-Suppasit,” he mumbles faintly.
A soft chuckle brings Gulf to gape at the older, unsure how to handle the present scenario he’s in.
“Oh god, that sounds horrible,” Mew continues to laugh. “Please call me, P’Mew.”
“Um…o-okay,” Gulf stutters. “Phi…M-Mew.”
Gulf wants to nag himself for his worst behavior whenever he feels so awkward, cornered and surrounded with new people he’s not comfortable with. And he feels everything at once in the present time, because even if the man is laughing, the older’s domineering aura is thick in the air.
Gulf chooses to avert his gaze from the older and stares at sparkling water on the pool as he hugs his knees, clutching on the mattress wrapping him as if it protects him from the world.
Mew, unsure what to do next, decides to sit on the lounge beside Gulf’s, but instead of facing the pool, he faces the younger. He is watching the younger’s somber expression which does not go unnoticed by him even though the area is not that illuminated.
The uncomfortable silence filled the atmosphere.
For a short moment that Mew has seen the younger earlier, he can easily see how uncomfortable the other is around new people or maybe because of the circumstances. Still for someone coming from a well off family, Mew did not actually expect such behavior.
Mew, who hates to suffer such ambiance further, decides to speak up. He clears his throat. “So…first, I want to apologize.”
Mew sees how the other’s eyes widen as those orbs turn to give him attention.
“Don’t give me that look. I’m serious,” Mew starts. “I...I didn’t really mean to...you know…” He clears his throat once again. “…for this to happen.”
Damn, Mew curses. He never felt this awkward before. And certainly, it never did cross in his mind that he will be impregnating another man, for that matter.
When Mew sees Gulf a while ago, he decides to approach him because he wants to at least clear the air between them before the said marriage. But he never thought it would be quite uneasy.
Gulf only stares at the older, processing the information he just heard.
“I…I know you must have a lot of plans ahead, that’s why,” Mew adds. “I also want to thank you…”
Gulf, who finally finds his voice, asks in a small voice, “What for?”
Gulf might have wished an apology deep inside but he honestly did not expect to hear it from the other. What happened after all, as far as his hazy memory can recall, is consensual.
The younger man can’t count the number of times he beats himself for allowing such thing to happen and he can’t understand what happened that night. However, an apology to be uttered feels…good.
And the thank you…
“For keeping my child,” the older replies. “No matter how things happened, my child is innocent,” Mew states with finality.
With a small smile of agreement, Gulf mumbles, “It’s my child, too.”
Gulf heaves a deep breath and leans back on the lounge not letting go of the comfort wrapping him. He looks up at the dark sky.
“I...I’m actually scared but t-thank you, too,” Gulf says. “I don’t know what will happen if ever...if you didn't agree to this set-up.”
“The last thing I want is harm this child in me and hurt my family further. I know how disappointed they are already. But still they’re with me,” Gulf follows with a fond smile on his face. His family has always been his pillar.
If only Gulf turns to meet the older’s eyes, he would have seen how a pair of eyes sparkle with admiration. But the sky is more interesting for him at the moment, something about its blankness gives him comfort, like he’s not alone in this unknown he’s in. The vast sky looks empty too; it is uncertain of itself too. Just like him.
“Can I ask something personal?” Mew queries resting both his palms on the lounge as he leans back a little and tilts his head upward to gaze up on the nothingness of the sky.
Gulf’s hum of agreement gives Mew the signal to continue, so with a quiet voice, he does.
“Had it occurred to you once to get rid of the baby?”
Wide-eyed, Gulf snaps his head to Mew’s direction, only to see the other calmly peering the sky. Suddenly, a wave of fear is creeping again which pushes him sit as he hugs his knees tight.
Mew, who is answered with silence, decides to look at the younger; only to be met with a gaze filled with…fear. For a moment, he panics.
“No no no no,” Mew frantically says, hands waving nervously in defense.
“Please don’t take it in a wrong way. Just...you’re young and about to graduate and a good career waiting and all. A good life. Plain curiosity. You don’t actually need to answer it. I understand. Just...sorry, I’m the other parent, you see. So I...I was…just, I wondered,” Mew blabbers trying to ease the fear from the younger’s eyes. He feels bad seeing such expression. He suddenly regrets asking.
Gulf, upon realizing a bit from the frantic explanation of Mew, relaxes and gives a faint smile to the older. He is worried about the child, he concludes.
“Were you…” Gulf breathes. “W-Were you afraid I would get rid of the child?”
Mew wants to punch himself for opening such conversation. He wants to pull his hair. But on the other hand, honesty will not harm them.
“Yes,” Mew directly states with a heavy breath.
The moment Mew knew about the pregnancy, it is the only thing that is extremely bugging his mind. His future father-in-law’s words are also hunting him. He is actually scared about it. He is paranoid because it brings him some horrible memories he pushed to shove somewhere deep in his mind.
Feeling relieved, Gulf stares at a distance as he recalls how he felt.
“Honestly, no words can explain how horrified I was when the doctor told me…about my…condition,” Gulf confesses. “I may have a womb but I…I never thought of having a child this way. I am...” he trails off.
“I…” Gulf breathes deep as he continues, “I don’t remember being attracted to men and I had few...girlfriends before. I admit I was scared shitless, but I never thought of harming my own flesh.”
Gulf turns to Mew, as if convincing the other because for some weird feeling, something tells him to do it.
“Not even once,” the younger utters. “I may be feeling lost, but I can never harm my own child. I was considering a lot of things; I was even ready to be disowned.”
Gulf can feel the intensity of Mew’s gaze. It is so heavy. He gulps. He averts his eyes almost too hastily afraid to be burned by those dark orbs. He instead observes the slow and calm motion of the water caused by the breeze.
Gulf smiles a little reminiscing how his thoughts ran miles then.
“It feels scary but if that’s what it takes for me to have this child, be it. I’m feeling regret, yes,” Gulf says in a quiet voice with utmost honesty. “But I know my love for my child will always be bigger than anything. As funny as it sounds, I love my child the moment I know he or she is inside me.”
Silence filled the place once again. But unlike before, there’s some warmth in the air. Both men lost in their own pleasant thoughts.
“Thank you,” Mew says after a while and pauses to calm his surging emotion. “For being brave enough to sacrifice your dreams.”
Mew feels like something has been lifted from his shoulder as he stares at the younger. He never even noticed there was a weight there in the first place. But he feels quite better. He feels assured that his child is safe with the person he is talking to.
“T-Thank you, too,” Gulf mutters in a small voice. A ‘thank you’ just feels different…it feels overwhelming.
“For?”
“I’m feeling a little better now after feeling shit for the past weeks,” Gulf grins a little.
Gulf never thought how two words can mean so much. He never thought a simple ‘thank you’ will make him feel less alone. He never thought how it weighs to him until uttered. After everything that has happened, nobody ever said those two words to him. Not that he expected his parents or anyone, on that matter, to say thank you to him for being pregnant. But still, it feels so good.
Too good even.
Mew then sees tears rolling down from the younger which gives him a slight panic.
“Hey, why are you crying?”
Quickly, Mew gets up and settles on Gulf’s lounge turning his body sideways to face the younger. He balled his fists on his lap to prevent them from doing abrupt things.
Gulf lets out a soft chuckle as he messily wipes his tears with the back of his hands on repeat. But his tears seem to be unstoppable. He’s crying again. All he has been doing is cry.
Meanwhile, that’s what it only takes for Mew to snap and finally cups the other’s face. He is even quite taken aback with how small the man’s face is on his big hands. Then gently, he wipes the tears with his thumbs. The other man is basically a stranger, but Mew can’t bear the sight of tears on those bambi eyes. He is never fond of people’s tears in the first place.
Under in different circumstance, Gulf might have felt embarrassed or awkward. But with his messy emotion which is literally all over the place, strangely, he feels comforted with such gesture and with Mew’s eyes, those eyes as if telling him he’s not alone.
“Sorry,” Gulf says in hoarse voice. “Just...I don't know. I’ve been a crybaby these past weeks. Don’t mind me.”
When Gulf’s tears stop flowing, Mew lets go of the only physical contact they have.
“But those aren’t sad tears, right?”
“N-No…!” Gulf assures Mew. “Maybe I-I am just relieved. At least I know now you don’t hate the baby.”
“Wha—No! Where did that even come from?”
With a sheepish smile, Gulf explains, “I assumed for the worst, most of the time. So, I can be ready.”
Mew shakes his head with a grin. “I don't know if that’s a good or a bad habit.”
“Still won’t change the fact that it’s a habit of mine.”
They laugh feeling a little comfortable with each other. They are feeling assured with each other’s company.
Mew sits erect and extends a hand; much to the younger’s confusion. He narrows his eyes on Mew.
“Mew Suppasit Jongcheveevat, your husband for two years.” Mew flashes his boyish grin.
Gulf stifles his laugh by biting his lower lip. He is sure his face is as red as the red sea by now, but still it doesn’t make it less funny. He can’t believe fate has tangled him into something utterly ridiculous.
Gulf accepts Mew’s hand firmly as he mimics the other. “Gulf Kanawut Traipipattanapong, your husband for two years.”
Mew rubs his nape with his hand. “Uh…that,” he pauses finding the right words. “...sounds weird.”
Gulf can’t hold himself anymore. He finally laughs. Everything does feel weird but at least he has people with him.
As the night deepens, the echo of their laughter resonates in the place.
☀️🌻
To be continued...
Aye, that’s kinda sweet.
Votes and comments are well appreciated. :)