Do you know the story of Icarus?
Icarus was the son of Daedalus who was a brilliant and skilled inventor. Due to Daedalus' bad fate, Icarus and him were condemned to live inside a labyrinth for the rest of their lives. Wanting to escape from this misery, Daedalus invented wings made of feather and wax, that would allow them to fly out of the labyrinth.
Daedalus warned Icarus neither to fly too low as the sea could wet his wings nor too high as the sun could melt the wax. Icarus heeded his father's advice at first but as his wings enabled him to fly and take him to places he had never been before, he began ignoring his father's instructions.
As bright as the sun, his newfound prowess and power blinded him. One day, he flew as high as he could aiming to reach the sun. Not too long, the sun humbled him by showing its natural power and dominance. Icarus' curiosity and ignorance led to his downfall.
We were studying Greek Mythology for our English class and I had to make a reflection paper on Icarus. These past few days, I could not concentrate on my acads because of physical and mental exhaustion from our preparation for our upcoming major concert and the pressure from the Second Cherry Pick. Two weeks before the event, we had to rearrange the entire sequence, replace the rejected songs, and re-record some parts based on Big Boss' comments. We had so much to do in just a two-week's time. On our part, we had to learn the new songs and some of them were in Japanese. We also had to memorize the lyrics, the choreography and the blockings. In addition to this, we had to complete the sequence because three days before the concert, some Japanese investors would visit us to watch our concert rehearsals. Aside from the concert preparations, we were also being documented for a documentary film about our idol journey. Some members and trainees were already interviewed and I was just waiting for my schedule.
After the fashion show incident, I became more conscious of the interaction between Lily and Ms. Anya. I felt like I had a moral obligation to keep an eye on Lily and be on the lookout in case of danger. I did not tell anyone about what I saw in the park and at the backstage because I did not want to make a ruckus and it would be a defamation of character if my instinct failed me. Hence, I made this my secret mission - to find out the real motive of Ms. Anya to Lily, and to protect her from harm, just like what a Shield would do to any Cherry.
My secret mission blossomed to an unexpected friendship. It started with me frequently talking to her and sitting beside her during our classes especially if it's our Acting Class. I was not the type to initiate a conversation due to my introvertedness and I felt intimidated by Lily because she was one of the popular ones but my secret mission allowed me to know her better and I discovered that we both had many things in common. We both loved the color white because of its simplicity and purity. We both shared an admiration for Ben&Ben because of their artistry, and our favorite song was Leaves. During tough times, we played this song to remind us that problems and challenges would soon pass and that better days were coming. We treated each other as sisters and we had each other's backs. My closeness to Lily led me to frequent encounters with Ms. Anya as Lily was frequently talking to her whenever we were in the headquarters for our schedules. Lily would always greet Ms. Anya with enthusiasm and adoration. Ms. Anya would respond in return and start small talks that would lead to her engaging stories. It seemed to me that her stories were endless and full of life and drama. One day, we were having a little chit chat with Ms. Anya while waiting for the next class. Lily went to the bathroom so Ms. Anya and I were left in the hallway.
"Charm, I'm gonna show you something." said Ms. Anya as she got her phone from her pocket and scrolled down through her photos. She found the photo she was searching for and showed it to me. The image was a creamy ivory ball gown wedding dress.
"Do you think it's too plain? I'm planning to put a touch of gold. Or is royal blue better?"
Confused with what she was saying, I clarified, "What's with the wedding dress, Ms. Anya?"
"I'm getting married! Peter proposed to me. All of you girls are invited, okay? You can't say no."
I was dumbfounded when I heard that she was getting married. I was struck with guilt of thinking badly of her but at the same time, I felt a sense of relief - relief that the park and backstage happenings were just all in my imagination and that Lily was far from harm. Lily returned and Ms. Anya showed the wedding dress to her. We congratulated her and asked the details about the wedding. She said that they were planning on doing a beach wedding at Bali, and if that were to happen, they would shoulder our transportation and accommodation expenses so we could all attend her wedding. We were so excited for the wedding as that would also be the first time we would be going to Bali.
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If I were to choose one member for best glow-up, it would be Jas. Jas had improved so much since day one. Before, she was like a turtle in her own shell - very timid and reserved. If all girls were together, you would find her in the corner, isolated from other girls in her own world. But winds of change had swept her and the girl inside her shell was able to come out. In one of her interviews, she admitted that she had low self-esteem and leaving the group crossed her mind because she felt like she did not belong. She had an inferiority complex, constantly comparing herself with other girls. Her family was not well-off and she had to stop schooling because of their financial circumstances. She worked multiple jobs so she could help her parents feed their family of six. Her mother once watched the commercial about MINT's talent search on TV and encouraged Jas to join, hoping that her joining would alleviate them from poverty. With her family's dream in mind, she gave it a try and the rest was history. She said in the interview that her turning point was the reinvention lesson in our PD class and Sir Dambi was a big part of her change.
During that reinvention session, we had an activity wherein we learned about introspection and redirection. In our introspection activity, we were able to examine our inner self - who we were, what our capabilities were and what we needed to improve on. The session aided us to process our thoughts and emotions, and see our experiences as just plain experiences, that our status and circumstances in life do not define who we are. Once we gained insights of ourselves, we visualized our goals and set milestones to achieve them. Finally, in our final reinvention activity, Sir Dambi let us present our reinvention plan wherein we would present our goals and milestones while wearing the look we envisioned once we achieved our goals. It was a fun and insightful activity. I remembered Jas dressing up like Kim Kardashian during Met Gala 2018 wherein Kim was wearing a gold tight dress flattering her curves, and gold high heels sandals. Everyone was awestruck with Jas' reinvention look and she received many compliments, one of which was Sir Dambi's remark, "You slay, girl! I'm proud of you."
When Jas found herself, we found her. Her positive energy radiated to us and we found ourselves laughing together because of her comical remarks. She became our happy pill. Her glow-up opened a lot of opportunities for her as she was starting to gain more fans thereby giving her more exposure in our shows and promotions.
If Jas' story casted light, Jea's story was marked by the absence of it. Jea also came from a poor family of five and at an early age, was forced to work in order to provide for her family. One night, weeks after the Christmas Concert, Jea received a call anyone would not want to get. Her mom called bearing the bad news that her father just passed away due to cardiac arrest. Jea was gone for days and when she came back, it seemed like the effervescence of youth escaped her. The heavy burden of becoming the breadwinner of her family was now on her shoulders. This further put a pressure on her to not be eliminated in the Second Cherry Pick because it was not only her dream that was on the line but of her family's future as well.
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With Ms. Anya's disclosure of her wedding, I gradually let my guard down and aborted my secret mission but my friendship with Lily still continued. We began hanging out with Jea more often to make her feel that we were always there for her and we cared for her, just how she cared for us as our leader and sister. Whenever we got the chance, we would talk to Ms. Anya because she knew the way to Jea's heart. Her words were a source of comfort and motivation for Jea. She was becoming Jea's second mom. To cheer her up, Ms. Anya would send inspirational quotes and warm text messages to Jea.
One day during our recording, I was waiting for my turn in the lobby when Ms. Anya came out of the hallway and sat with me booking her Grab.
"Hi dear, what are you up to?"
"Hi Ms. Anya, I am waiting for my turn to record. I am the last one for today."
"Okay, is it alright if I sit with you? I'm just waiting for my Grab."
"Sure, Miss."
When she finally got a driver, she turned to me and said, "Can I see your palm?" I opened my right palm and handed it to her. She took it and started tracing the lines of my palm.
"You are a smart and hardworking girl. You are also a very trustworthy person so many of your friends entrust their secrets to you." She turned up her gaze to me, still holding my open palm. When she uttered the phrase "so many of your friends entrust their secrets to you," I thought about the secrets of Amor, Yvonne, Chloe and Lily. "I have this gift, this psychic ability to obtain information by reading one's palm and eyes. If you are open to this energy, I can foretell your future." She added as she intently looked me in the eyes. It was the longest stare I had with her and I could see her unblinking big round brown eyes.
"Good, you have an open energy. I can see that you recently formed new friendships, unexpected ones indeed. And I can see that you are happier with these friends." She said while still looking into my eyes, unflinching. I smiled as confirmation and as a signal that I was all ears to what she was about to say. "But there's still something bothering you. You are keeping secrets from your friends. "
She was right. I was keeping a secret from Lily, the one where Ms. Anya was involved. Until now, I told no one about it even if Lily and I were already close. I was also keeping a secret for Amor because disclosing her secret would put us both in danger. I did not know how to react because Ms. Anya was right; these secrets still bothered me because I felt like being dishonest but I could not risk our friendships. I just sat nearer and asked her, "Do you know about it, Ms. Anya?" Right when she was about to answer, her Grab driver arrived.
"We can talk about it next time." She smirked as she waved goodbye.
I could not get the conversation I had with Ms. Anya out of my head. I brought it with me during my recording, on my way to the dorm, in my dinner, and in my rest. Therefore, I decided to write these thoughts in my journal.
I had a conversation earlier with Ms. Anya. She read my palm and said that I was a smart, hardworking and trustworthy person. She knew about my newfound friendships with Lily and Jea. What's bothering me is the fact that she knows that I'm keeping secrets. Does she know about Amor's secret? And does she know that I accused her of having malicious intentions to Lily? What should I do if she really knows? Will she report it to Management? I feel so anxious right now.
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It was the day of our dress rehearsal. We finally polished the whole program and we received good feedback from the Japanese investors. Big Boss was pleased with our performances so he treated us with boxes of pizza. During our pizza break, Lily and I went to the bathroom to change our sweaty clothes. The lock of the cubicle was broken so I had to guard the door so no one could open while Lily was inside. I had her hand me her phone, towel and water bottle so she could change conveniently. While she was inside, her phone lit up and a message notification popped up. I glanced to check who it was and saw Ms. Anya's name. Upon seeing Ms. Anya's name, I purposefully read the message that was on the phone screen.
Dear, you did well today. You really deserve that center spot in Heart of Glass. You're the only one who can make it cute but still graceful. <3
Btw, have you seen how SD stares at Jas? It's so creepy! You should stay away from him.
I heard the creaking sound of the door so I hastily covered her phone with the towel. I faked a smile as I handed her her belongings and hurriedly went to the cubicle, hoping that she did not notice my coverup. Inside the cubicle, I thought to myself, "Who is SD?"
I was perplexed by Ms. Anya's message to Lily so I decided to confront Lily about it that night. Our friendship was already at a level wherein we could be open to each other and tell our secrets. Well, except for Amor's secret because I would not put my friendship with Amor on the line. After dinner, I invited Lily to get some fresh air on the veranda so we could talk in private.
"Girl, I need to tell you something." I began.
"You're making me nervous. Come on, spill it out."
"A while ago when you were inside the cubicle when we took a CR break during rehearsal, I accidentally read Ms. Anya's message to you because it suddenly popped up. I read about SD and Jas. Who is SD?"
"OMG girl! That is so confidential. Be quiet only, okay?" she replied while covering her mouth with both hands.
"Of course. I promise it's only between us. I am just bothered by that SD thing with Jas."
"SD is Sir Macky. She said Sir Macky has a hidden desire for Jas and he is courting her."
"What? How come? How did she know?"
"She said Sir Dambi told her. Apparently, Sir Dambi was like the bridge between Sir Macky and Jas. Sir Macky gifts Jas with clothes, shoes and jewelries. Sometimes, cash. He sends it discreetly during events or sometimes, through Sir Dambi. That's why she calls him SD, short for Sugar Daddy."
"Really? Is that the reason why Jas gained a lot of exposure lately?" I intuitively asked.
"Ms. Anya didn't mention anything about it but there's a possibility. He's in Marketing, anyway." Dissatisfied with the tea that she spilled, Lily continued, "Girl, here's another tea. According to Ms. Anya, the Management is doing under-the-table transactions with our projects and events."
"How? What kind of under-the-table transactions?"
"They don't give us what's due to us; they take more than they should. They say the deductions they took from us were for taxes and other expenses but in reality, those amounts will go straight to their pockets and we don't even know because they're not transparent with the computations."
"Yikes! That's unfair!"
"I know! My mom got really mad when I told her about it. We're really losing faith with the Management. We can't trust them if they're like that."
That night, I could not bring myself to sleep because my mind could not stop wandering. Learning about these politics in our workplace made me realize that I was not in wonderland. This was the real world - a concrete jungle where humans could be cruel and dangerous.
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It was our big day - the day of our major concert. Finally, our dream as a team came true on this day. It was our most awaited day, and this milestone would not be possible without our Shields. They had been with us since day one and we were happy that our second family was growing. We saw their posts about how they gained new friends through our community, and how Cherry united them. It touched our hearts hearing stories about how we could make them happy every time they see us and how we could motivate them to face life's challenges. We did not know that the simple things we do could mean so much to them. And as we always said, "as long as we could make one person happy, it is enough for us to keep on performing despite the other ninety-nine bashers".
The concert hall was not full; there were still empty seats. I wondered how many actual people bought our concert tickets because the Management gave each of us free tickets so our families could watch. As we were preparing backstage, there were commotions because of the last-minute changes. This was not new to us because even hours or minutes before our show, there would be last-minute changes. It added stress to us as performers because we did not want to ruin the show but as time went by, we got used to this kind of stress. We heard that the Big Boss was not in a good mood because of the ticket sales. Apparently, it did not meet the quota. If it was true, it would be disappointing but no matter how the ticket sales turned out, we were here to perform our hearts out for the people who love and support us. After all, this may be the last time that we would perform completely as First Cherry Pick members prior to the Second Cherry Pick.
I could say that our first major concert was a success by our standards. If the standard was how much connection and entertainment we gave to our audience, it was a success. If the standard was how big our support to each other was, it was a success. We prepared a great show for them and they in return, showed their support to us with their lightsticks, banners and that remarkable fiery fanchant. The Shields' dedication and support was overwhelming and we could not ask for more. Their presence alone in our concert was enough for us.
Now that the major concert was finished, it was time to concentrate our efforts on the upcoming Second Cherry Pick. We had to campaign for ourselves so we could accumulate votes in order to secure a spot in the top sixteen. To get a voting code, we needed to buy merchandise or event tickets. Most of us spent our savings and allowances to buy merchandise so we could get voting codes. Aside from that, most of our fanbase admins conducted their own campaigns such as fundraising, selling different items and mini-event gatherings in which sales from these campaigns would go to voting code purchases.
I was at the headquarters lobby to purchase merchs for my voting tickets. Mira and Amor were there too to buy their own. I used part of my savings to buy 50 pcs of CDs which was equivalent to 50 voting tickets. Fortunately, the allowances that I received were entirely my own money so I had the liberty to use it in any way for any purpose. The staff handed me the paper bag of my purchase when Amor confirmed with her parents which merch and how many units to buy.
"Can I buy 200 CDs please." Amor told the merch staff as she handed her credit card.
"Please wait for a moment. I had to check the stockroom for more supplies. It would take a while so you can just go back later," the current supplies in the merch area did not suffice to Amor's demand so the merch staff had to check the stockroom.
The merch staff and Amor left the merch area. I stayed in the lobby to get the voting tickets in the CDs so I could input the voting codes in the app ASAP. As I unwrapped each CD, I overheard Mira's phone conversation with her mom.
"Hello Ma, how are you? I'm at the headquarters today to buy merchs for the Second Cherry Pick..hmm..is it okay if I don't send money first so I can buy voting tickets?" Mira came from the province too. Her father was a farmer and her mother was a market vendor. She was the middle child in the family; her older sister was a college student while her younger brother was a special child. She was helping her family with her siblings' education and household expenses. Mira was a competitive ballroom dancer prior to joining Cherry. She became a scholar in her school because she represented their school and province to different provincial and national ballroom competitions. It was her dream to be a celebrity dancer so when she saw the MINT talent search, she knew that it was the opportunity. Fast forward to today, Mira was one of the most dedicated members of the group. Even though she had not been an A-lister, she worked harder than any one of the Tier B members to prove that she deserved a spot in the A-list team. She had the talent, skills and heart for the group.
"Thank you so much, Ma! No, you don't need to send money anymore. Just use it for your expenses there. My fans are already helping me. They're even doing campaigns to raise funds for my voting tickets. How's Ate and bunso?" Mira smiled as she got the moral support of her mother. Her family was very supportive of her Cherry journey. Whenever we had major events, her family would save up for bus fare so they could attend the event as a complete family. They would even bring their harvested vegetables, fruits and our favorite kakanin as pasalubong whenever they visited the Metro. Mira's family was the epitome of a Filipino family - simple, content and happy.
My thoughts shifted from Mira's family to the voting tickets which I peeled off from each CD I unwrapped. I realized that this was an effective cash cow because it targeted our emotions. Generally, people spend money for two reasons - for their needs and wants. Spending money for needs such as food, shelter and clothes is essential but spending your hard-earned cash for wants usually involves emotions. In this case, we did not buy the merchandise or event tickets because we needed or wanted it but because this was the means to hold on to our dreams. And our fans used their hard-earned money for us because they were rooting for us to live our dreams. This sense of attachment - of us Cherry members to our dreams, and our fans to us - was the selling point of this entire income-generating scheme.
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It was the dreaded day of the Second Cherry Pick. Shields expressed their dismay with the Management system by boycotting the event; only a third of the area was filled. It was a live event and it would be broadcasted online, and Shields made the hashtag, #NoToCherrySecondPick, trend on Twitter for the past two days. However, the Management did not bat an eye to the online protests of its patrons and still carried on with the event.
Cherry members and trainees were in the same dressing room as the new candidates but our tables were separated. There was an air of tension inside the room as this was our judgement day. We already expected that most Shields would not attend the event because they already notified us saying that their act of defiance was not against us, Cherry members, but directed towards the Management. We understood their sentiments and knew that what they were doing was to protect us.
An hour before the event, Ms. Anya entered our dressing room. With the absence of a professional psychologist to ensure our psychological state before this menacing event, Ms. Anya filled in their shoes. The Management entrusted her with our psychological wellbeing in this dire moment. We could not blame them; she was the next best alternative to an expert. We all knew the Management was cutting off its expenses.
"Good morning, girls. How are you all feeling?" She began with a gentle tone. "Nervous? Excited? I know today will be eventful. The results can either make or break any of you. First, I want all of you to look at your surroundings. Look at your seatmate, your co-members and co-aspirants, the staff, this room you are in. I want you to feel this moment." she paused as we scanned our environment.
"Now everyone close your eyes. Visualize what you want to see and feel after this event, when the results are out and the new second Cherry members are announced. What do you see? How do you feel?" soothing music suddenly played in the background as we were doing the exercise. I saw myself on stage, sitting with my co-members and aspirants, anxiously waiting for my name to be called. As much as I wanted my name to be called next to the title, Best Girl, I could only imagine myself being called as part of the A-listers. Being included in the A-listers and even in the Top 16 was already enough for me as long as I could continue in this idol journey."
"Open your eyes. Hold onto that vision and feeling, and trust the process. Everyone put your right hand on top of your left chest. Repeat after me:
I am beautiful.
I am talented.
I am brave.
I am where I ought to be.
Now, smile and look at everyone around you. Say to them:
You are beautiful.
You are talented.
You are brave.
You are where you ought to be."
The tension in the air gradually faded and I felt lighter upon seeing the smiles around me.
"Okay girls, please lend me your ears. Everyone of you deserves to be here now. Let no one tell you otherwise. Now, let me share with you a personal story. As most of you know, my parents died in a car crash when I was about to get a lead role for a Broadway play in New York. They called me back for a final audition along with the other shortlisted auditionees. I was in the theater when I received a call telling me that my parents were in the hospital due to a car accident. For a moment, I was silent because when everything was falling into place, when I was about to reach my dream, I was held back by fate. Of course, I chose my family over my dream. I rushed to the hospital and found that my mother was pronounced dead on arrival while my father was in a coma. My world crumbled because my mother was everything to me. I was not on good terms with my father for a long time so I relied on her so much. The doctor talked to me saying that I should give my last message to my father as he might not be able to survive. I apologized to my father for not being a good daughter and asked him to stay with me as I didn't have anyone else. I was holding his hand and when I said I loved him, he moved his fingers in response. After a few hours, he passed away. He just waited for me to come and say goodbye." Ms. Anya's eyes were welling up while tears were streaming down our faces.
"It's been four years...of darkness...of emptiness. My life had no meaning. Then you girls came into my life. You brought me light and I found a reason to get up again every morning and continue living." we were already sobbing at this point. "I just want to thank you girls for coming into my life. You are my family. I don't want to live my life again regretting the things I wasn't able to say and do. No matter what happens tonight, you are all my daughters. You are all blessings to my life." Almost all of us were crying our eyes out and we came up to Ms. Anya to hug her. Some were even wailing. Ms. Sandra, one of our RMs, called us to get ready as we were about to start the program in fifteen minutes. I went to the bathroom which was two doors away outside our dressing room to compose myself and wash away the melancholy. I was in the cubicle when I unintentionally eavesdropped on the conversation between our two RMs, Ms. Camilla and Ms. Sandra.
"Why are the kids crying? What happened?" asked Ms. Sandra concerningly.
"Ms. Anya told her life story, when her parents died and how the girls saved her from misery." replied Ms. Camilla.
"It seems off."
"What is?"
"Imagine, the girls are already nervous and tense because of the results announcement. Even us, we don't know what to expect and it's making me anxious, what more for the girls whose dreams and careers are on the line. I don't exactly know what she told the girls because I was not inside but it doesn't feel right to add emotional burden to them at this time. When I entered the room a while ago, it felt...so heavy. Do you get what I mean?"
"But Ms. Anya's story was really heartbreaking. You should have been there to hear it. You would surely cry."
Even if Ms. Camilla missed Ms. Sandra's point, I totally got it. Ms. Sandra made sense. I made a mental comparison between how the professional talked to us when we were in the program as compared to what transpired earlier with Ms. Anya. The professional would make us calm and focused before the competition, just like what Ms. Anya did in the first part of her speech. The professional would not make any drama which would cause us to be unfocused and emotional because we should save the drama for later. Was it because Ms. Anya was attached to us, that's why she shared her drama before the real drama? Or was it because of something else?
With Ms. Sandra's remark, I began to realize the sarcasm of the situation. We were crying rivers backstage before our performance and in a matter of minutes, we had to flash our smiles on stage. As idols, we were trained to show enthusiasm and passion in our performance; we could not perform wearing other expressions aside from happy because it would make us unprofessional. For the first part of the program, we performed some of our songs from the first to third single. It was evident that the Shields who were part of the audience were trying to cheer us up but we could feel their heavy hearts with the results that would be announced later. One of us would need to leave and be replaced by a new girl. Even our existences - members and aspirants - were an irony. Their hope would be our despair. Their success would be our demise. Their beginning would be our end.
It was the moment of truth. Only sixteen girls would be announced tonight as members. They started with the A-listers. We were not that surprised when Zoie was announced as the Best Girl because of her popularity on social media. She garnered massive followings from local and international fans on her SNS. I wondered how she would fulfill the role as the new face of the group at a young age. There were also two new girls who got spots in the A-list team. It was time to announce the members of Tier B from top 16 to nine. At this time, it didn't matter what rank we would get as long our name would be called. My heart felt like it was already coming out of my chest every time my name would not be called. I was feeling desperate at this moment but I chose to hold on to my faith. On rank thirteen, my name was called. I made it! I supposed thirteen was my lucky number. The announcement ended with five new girls as official Cherry members and five girls were now ex-members which included Mira.
Many were shocked when Mira's name was uncalled. No one saw it coming, even Mira herself. Everyone thought that she was safe from elimination because of her preliminary rankings but assumptions were a ticket to a fool's paradise. Reality hit like a train and we had no time to save Mira.
Tears flooded the venue. I could not celebrate my survival because all I could feel was the pain of my sisters' elimination. We shared each other's joys and sorrows during those 365 days that we were together and in just a single day, we had to part. The show ended and we had to go straight to our photoshoot and interview as now Second Cherry Pick members. We went up stage in the same uniform and when we went down the stage, some would not be able to wear the same uniform anymore. Some had to go this way and some, the other way.