AUTHOR'S NOTE: This was a hard chapter to write. Mainly because it was a personal experience for me. This chapter will deal with s*x**l assault. If this is something you find hard to handle please proceed with caution. I've marked where the chapter is safe to read. I did my best to honor the situation Charlie is in, in fact it's almost the exact conversation I had when I told my story to my boyfriend (now fiancée). Please remember that SA is a very personal matter and everyone deals with their trauma in their own way and in their own time.
I hope you guys like what I've done and please remember to comment and like!
Song Inspo: Clean by Taylor Swift
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*TRIGGER WARNING: Sexual Assault*
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"Bucky... I don't know if I want you to know what happened. It's going to make you think about me differently. It doesn't matter anyway. It was all my fault."
"No. Charlie, it's not going to change anything. And if you don't want to tell me you don't have to. But, if you're not telling me because you're scared of what I'll think, well you're wrong..." Bucky scootches over so my head is in his lap. His hand still interlaced with mine on my chest.
"Did you know that when Steve broke up with me, I locked myself in this apartment for a month? I wouldn't let him or Em in."
"Yes, Steve told me. And it was me outside your door a couple of those times. But I never knocked because it felt wrong... I didn't think seeing me would help you. And I didn't really know how to help you."
I take a deep breath in and sit up. My back facing him. I can't look at him while I say these words, "Well I was trying to forget about Steve. Trying to numb myself and... I let some people come over. Not just some. A lot of people. Sometimes, I needed the company. Sometimes, I just hoped someone would make me feel something. And I let them do whatever they wanted to me. I just laid there. I just let it happen. But then there was one man about two weeks after Steve brought me home. I said no, I had changed my mind. I was tired of being used. And he didn't like that.. When he was done... He said 'thank you'. I walked him to the door and I didn't open it again until Steve tried to break it down. And..." I trail off. Not having anything else left to say.
I hear Bucky stand up. And start walking. And I know I've done it. I've said something he can't look past and he's leaving. I feel the tears running down my cheeks and my heart starts to ache in that familiar pain.
And then I feel his hand on my arm. "Nothing that happened was your fault. I don't care what the situation was. That man... he's a monster. And if I ever... You did nothing wrong. It is not your fault. Charlie, please look at me. I'm going to hug you. And I'm going to hold you. And you're going to tell me what you need. But I'm not going away until you tell me to, okay?"
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*TRIGGER ZONE OVER! SAFE TO READ*
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I feel the sobs in my chest and I let Bucky hold me tightly. I cry into his neck and I wrap my arms around him. We sit just like this for hours: him holding me tightly, and me crying. Until finally the sobs have quieted and I've run out of tears. My head laying on his bare chest.
"Bucky?"
"Yes, Charlie?"
"I think you can let me go now. And you should probably get dressed. If you're going to be naked in my bed I would rather it be under happier circumstances."
"To be honest, I sort of forgot I had no clothes on," he chuckles and kisses the top of my head. Reluctantly, he lets me go.
"Okay, let's get dressed and get something to eat. I'm actually really hungry. Being a chaotic mess is a lot of work."
"You're not a mess. Things just got fucked up for awhile. It's going to get better, I swear it," he looks at me straight in my eyes looking like he has more to say. For a second I think about kissing him. I shake my head and get up. "Go get dressed, Barnes. We got a mission."
"Operation: Feed Charlie." He walks out of my room to the laundry closet laughing at his made up operation name.
I pull out a sundress and a necklace. My hair is in waves and looks okay after I rake my fingers through it. My eyes are puffy from crying. I start to slip off my pjs and put on my underwear and bra when I feel his eyes on me. He looks at me until we lock eyes. And then he blushes furiously, immediately looking down at the floor.
"Charlie, I'm sorry I wasn't... I mean I was but..." he's rubbing the back of his neck and he looks so embarrassed it's cute.
I roll my eyes and let out a giggle. I pull on my dress and put a little concealer and mascara to hide the evidence of tears. I walk over to him and give him a hug and a kiss on his cheek.
"Okay, let's go. But this time I'm buying. It's my turn."
"Yeah, like any decent man would let you pay."
"Listen here, old man. It is the 21st century. I am a strong, independent woman and I am capable of paying the tab."
"I don't care what you are or how much money you make. I have a code and it doesn't change just because the century has." He takes my hand and rubs his thumb against mine. Those butterflies are growing by the hundreds.
We get to the restaurant and order. It's a cute little diner about 10 blocks from my apartment. "This place has the best pancakes. And yes I know it's 1 pm, I'm getting them."
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I would never judge your meal choice. What am I? Some kind of asshole who tells you what you can and can't order."
I laugh, but it's refreshing, Steve always would make fun of my love for breakfast food.
I gawk at the sheer amount of food he orders. The poor waitress' eyebrows rise higher and higher as Bucky continues to order.
When our food comes out the entire table is covered in plates. And he eats everything. I swear his stomach has to be as large as a suitcase with the amount of food it's holding.
"This is highly unfair, how can you eat that much food and still look like that?"
"Well, I do work out a lot and have a freakishly high metabolism. I need a lot of food to keep me going. Don't worry I'll be hungry by dinner, doll," he winks at me.
"I mean you are very nice to look at shirtless so I can't complain too much," I tease him back.
"You're much more fun to look at naked," he mumbles under his breath.
I feel my eyebrows shoot up and my cheeks turn bright red. I keep eating, but I can only think about the look he had in his eyes when he was looking at me getting dressed.
"Okay, so now that we've stuffed our faces what do we do?"
"We could go for a walk to help us digest. I feel insanely full," I wrap my arm around his.
We spend the day walking around the city. Bucky buys a man lunch, sitting down with him to talk about his years in the military and his life. I sit quietly alongside Bucky. Listening to them talk about their experiences, and it's sad but beautiful. Before we leave I give the man some money and an address for a veterans help network to help him find safe living conditions and job placement. It's not much, but I see Bucky looking at me as I talk to the man and I wish I could read his mind.
By the time we get back to my apartment it's evening. Bucky walks me up to my apartment, not hesitating like he did last night. . And follows me inside, I put my purse and keys down on my kitchen table. And when I turn around Bucky is sitting on my couch.
"Come sit down with me. I need to tell you a few things," he pats the spot right next to him on the couch. I know he doesn't mean to, but those words set off my anxiety. And I keep my distance sitting in the opposite side of the couch. He furrows his brows, but says nothing about it.
He sighs deeply, "I just want to say that I'm sorry. For not being a good friend to you when everything with Steve happened. I knew he left you at that island and I didn't say anything to him about coming back sooner from Madripoor. I was with him a lot during that time and if I was a better friend I would've told him to go home to you instead of staying there with us. Sam and I... we knew where you were. We knew about the ring. And still we just let him stay in Madripoor. And that was messed up. Steve should've left at least a week sooner to talk to you. I didn't say anything because I really didn't know what to say to him. I'm really sorry, Charlie."
I lean forward and take his hand into mine, "Bucky... he's a grown ass man. You aren't responsible for the choices he made."
Bucky moves closer to me on the couch. The space between us closing. "I should've kicked his ass. I don't know what he was thinking letting you go. If you were mine... I-, " his sentence trails off. "Charlie, I think the world of you. You're so smart, sometimes too damn smart and I have no idea what you're talking about. And you're funny, god, the sass and the attitude is unreal. And...", he brushes the hair out of my face, pulling me closer until we're inches apart. "... you're kind and generous. And you're beautiful."
Without thinking, I lean in and kiss him. My hands holding his face. The stubble rubbing against my fingers. And then he's pulling me towards him, his body moving on top of mine. His mouth connected to mine. His hands pulling my leg up to his waist.
He's gentle and sweet, his mouth pushing against mine. His tongue caressing mine. His touch firm, but soft and loving. His hands start to explore my body. Running his hands from my sides down to my legs. His mouth moves from mine. Down to my chin. Along my jaw, down my neck. Planting kisses down my neck to my collar bones and to my chest to the top of my dress' neckline. Grabbing me around my hips, pulling me against him, making me feel wanted and wanting him more.
"Bucky," I say into his hair as he's kissing my neck. He pulls his face back up to mine, looking into my eyes, smiling down at me. "Can we go into the bedroom?"
"As my lady commands," and he sweeps me up off the couch. I laugh as he carries me through the door and places me gently on the bed. He closes the door behind him and gets on top of me again. This time he moves slowly. Kissing my forehead, my cheeks, my nose, and then he moves back to my mouth.
"I want you to tell me what you want. I don't care how much we do or don't do. I just want to make you happy," he leans back in and kisses my neck, moving slowly down to my chest.
*MATURE CONTENT WARNING*
"Take off your clothes... and mine," I say a little out of breath from all the kissing. So he gets up. And takes everything off but his underwear and again I'm taken aback by how amazing he looks. Then he comes up to me. Sliding my dress off my shoulders. Pulling it over my head, and then stepping behind me, he undoes my bra. Slowly sliding it from my shoulders. Kissing the spots where it sits. Pulling my hair around to expose my neck. Kissing from my shoulder up to my ear. Pulling me against him and I feel his erection pushing against my back.
Then I feel him drop to his knees behind me. Slowly, almost painfully slow, he pulls down my underwear. Kissing my body along every inch as he drags them down my legs.
When he stands back up I feel his length bare against my back. His arms pulling me into him. Again, his lips drop to my neck. Kissing and licking from my shoulder to my ear. His hands move from my hips up to my breasts. Holding each one in his hands. His fingers clenching and relaxing. My hand snakes behind my body, into the tight space between mine and his. I wrap my hand around his throbbing cock. Firmly holding it in my hand, I behind to slide up and down his length. He moans into my neck, lightly biting me.
Smiling, I turn around not letting up on him. I kiss him hard. My tongue finding his. Increasing my hand's pace steadily. Until I feel it twitch in my hand and I know I've hit the speed he likes best. And then I move my lips down his body. His every muscle rock hard, unyielding to my touch. I get down on my knees. Kissing down from his stomach to the spot where his length begins. I look up into his eyes as I lick the underside of his cock to the tip. And then I slide my lips around his tip. Going all the way down to the base. My lips touching his body. I hear him moan my name as his cock twitches in the back of my throat. He places each of his hands on the sides of my head. Guiding me through the motion at his pace. We do this for as long as I can. My hands stroking him to help me cover the length I can't fit into my mouth. I can't keep deep throating for long so I pull off of him for air. I take my mouth and start licking down under his cock. Taking each one and gently sucking on them as my hand continues to stroke him.
"Okay, okay. Fuck, baby. you're going to make me cum. And I am not done with you," he pulls me up and lays me on my back. Climbing in between my legs. Pushing them open with his hands. He starts at my neck, working his way down to my chest. And then he puts each of his hands on my tits. Pushing them together. He kisses their tops, the space in between them. Covering every inch. And then he flicks his tongue on my nipples. Making them both hard. I arch my back up. Pushing my tits closer to his face. He quickly slides his arm under me. Pulling me up at an even higher angle. His mouth on one nipple. Flicking and sucking it into his mouth. And then he turns his attention back to the other. Except this time he lightly bites one. Pulling my nipple just a little with his teeth. The sensation makes me jump a little bit, I hiss out, "oh fuck." This is nothing like I've ever had before.
And then he continues to kiss me down my sides, my stomach, my hips. Until he's kissing inside my thighs, slowly moving closer to my wet lips. And then that first contact sends a wave of pleasure through me and I have to force my legs to stay apart. He kisses me from top to bottom. And then he licks me, going from one side to the other. Up and down, sliding in between the lips. Going from the entrance up to my clit. And then I feel him slide two cold metal fingers into me. And I feel my walls close around them. The temperature difference between my inside and his fingers sending shivers up my spine. My hips bucking up to push his tongue harder against my clit. He keeps his fingers inside me. Slowly making a hooking motion. Rubbing against a sensitive spot I've never felt someone else touch. My back arches, my hips pushing against his mouth and I'm riding his face. My hand holding his hair. Not wanting him to ease up for a second.
"Oh god, yes! Just like this. Please don't stop."
I move my hips against the motion of his fingers, and then I'm coming. I can't even breathe because its so intense. I feel it from my brain to my nipples to where his mouth is on my pussy. And then I let out a long loud moan. The ride finally over. And his tongue is back to licking me. Spreading apart my lips and sliding into me. Its too much so I pull his face back to mine, kissing him, tasting myself on his lips.
I feel his cock right outside me and I wrap my legs around his hips. Pulling him into me. I feel him slide right into me down to the hilt. "Fuck, oh fuck, you can't do that shit to me, beautiful. You're going to make me cum right now."
He leans down to to kiss me, and I pull him closer. Until he's leaning on his elbows above me. Sliding in and out his entire length. Hitting me all the way in the back. Until I feel like he's in my stomach. We move in perfect rhythm. Him sliding into me and me pushing my hips up to meet him.
His lips move between my neck and my mouth and I feel him leaving his mark on my skin. So I move his head and expose his neck. Kissing it gently and then I plant a firm mark with my teeth. Enough to make him swear. "You're going to pay for that one, Charlie."
He lifts me up with him and flips me onto my stomach. Then he bites my shoulder. The pain makes me gasp. And he kisses the spot. He moves like this down my back. Biting. Kissing. Biting. Kissing. Until he's to my ass. When he gives it a firm slap with his metal hand, I cry out and then he kisses that spot too.
He slides himself back into me. Firmly holding my hips and me in place. And he fucks me. Hard. Our bodies are colliding against each other over and over. He's fucking me so hard that the only thing keeping me upright is his hands holding onto my hips. He's lifting me off the bed and wraps his arm around my waist holding me against him. His metal hand sliding down between my legs. Finding its way back down to my clit. Rubbing it in a steady rhythm until I'm throwing my head back and crying out his name over and over. And then I feel him finishing inside me. And he pulls me tighter against him. Pushing my legs so he's all the way inside me, and he's saying my name.
And we collapse in a heap on my bed. Tired. Panting. Sweaty. Satisfied. And blissfully happy.