[~Posted 6/11/21]
[A/N Sorry for the long time b/t updates. I got so discouraged. My mom isn't well, and then also all that happened with the book thieves just got me really down.
But you guys are really the nicest, most supportive crew ever—sending this gentle encouragement but waiting patiently too... you all are really too great. Thank you!]
Kai woke up sweating that next morning in her dorm room, clutching her faux-sheepskin blanket around her chin.
A dream. Fresh in her mind.
Her mother and father were sitting on the gray sofa in their living room, their faces bathed in sunlight. Kai felt like she was watching an old family video.
And then she glanced to the side of the room.
Beth!
Beth was there, too! Looking just like she'd looked in ninth grade: her hair pulled back in a ponytail, her bangs pinned aside with purple barrettes. Seated in the rocking chair, she rocked, back and forth, slowly.
Kai could almost smell them—the soft smell of their skin. The soapy smell of their clothes.
They were all smiling.
Then they looked over at Kai.
And their smiles vanished.
In a disappointed voice, her mother said, "My baby girl. You replaced me—with this Nina woman," Kai's mother said. "Is Nina she taking care of you like a mother should?"
"She's not my mom!" Kai cried. "She's just Nina!"
But her mother just continued. "I hope she takes care of you well."
And her mother began to fade.
Beth leaned forward and spoke up: "You have a new best friend now?" Kai noticed Beth was wearing one of their matching Pendleton plaid shirts—the one's they'd bought together from the outlet during a summer sale.
"Beth!" Kai tried to shout.
But Beth just continued: "Lilly, right? She's your best friend, now."
Kai cried out, "No, Beth. I miss you so, so much."
"I'm not jealous," said Beth. "You need to move on."
"I'm not moving on!" Kai was weeping.
Beth just watched her, shrugging. "I can't hear what you're saying, Kai."
Kai looked over to her dad. He was in the overalls he wore when he went outside to weed the edges of their driveway. His voice was gruff—but playful too.
"I'm the only man in your life, Kai. Are you about to replace me too?"
Kai shook her head and reached with both hands, forward. "Dad!"
He kept talking. "Who are you going to replace me with?"
"I'm not!" she shouted. And again, louder. "I'm not replacing you, Dad!"
"Is he going to be tall?" said her dad, chuckling. "As tall as me? Taller?"
"There isn't anyone," she shouted. Her voice was growing hoarse.
"Is he going to be good to you?"
Kai buried her face in her hands.
Her dad shook an index finger toward her. "Tell me when you're about to replace me too. OK, kiddo?"
Kai just shook her head.
"OK, general?"
General! That was his nickname for her. Because as a kid, she'd been so fearless. In athletic game, she'd always insisted on running ahead, then beckoning for the other kids to follow.
Then Kai stared, wide-eyed, as her parents faded. Beth too.
Now she was fully awake. Sobbing.
They'd been so real.
And then....
....an even more real foot extended downward from the bunk bed above her. Lilly's foot. One foot followed the next: Her roommate climbed down from the top bunk, then curled into the bed next to Kai. She cradled Kai's head, patting her hair.
Kai cried silently, going limp as Lilly held her awkwardly in her arms. Then, between sobs, Kai finally tried to speak. "He— my— my dad—"
She couldn't get the words out.
Lilly started shushing Kai. "It's ok. It's ok. It's ok."
"He—"
"What are you saying?" Lilly looked into Kai's face with concern.
"He called me General.... No one's called me that, since..."
As Kai gulped down air between sobs, Lilly extracted the story from her roommate. Between sniffles, Kai finally stuttered out the details of her dream.
Seeing all their faces so clearly—it'd felt like magic. A gift from the universe.
But then they'd all seemed so disappointed.
"My dad told me not to replace him!" Kai wiped tears from her face. "But I'm not replacing him! I'm not! Who would I possibly be replacing him with?"
"It's ok," said Lilly. "You're not replacing anyone. You're not."
"They said I was."
"That wasn't them!" Lilly soothed Kai. "That was your brain talking. Your dream."
"Beth thought I was replacing her... With you..."
Kai had never really said much about Beth, who'd essentially been Kai's best friend. Beth, who'd died the day of the accident too. Kai just always got real quiet when something reminded her of Beth. So Lilly didn't have much info to go on.
You want to be a psychologist, Lilly told herself. What would a psychologist say? What does Kai need to hear?
Lilly ventured ahead: "But I'm not replacing Beth, right? I'm your best college friend. That's totally different from your best high-school friend.
Lilly continued: "You'll always remember stuff Beth did—stuff I don't do. You guys had inside jokes, right? Jokes we don't have."
Kai nodded. Gradually, she was calming down.
"Lilly," she said. "You're always talking about dropping out of school. Saying you don't belong here—"
Kai continued, "—Honestly—I'm really wanting to drop out too. I just don't know how to be in school. Acting normal."
Lilly took her friend's face in both hands, and said, "Kai. Just do school—however you need to. Take easy classes. Eat ice cream every day. Fill our room with plants. If that's what you need to do, I don't care! Fill our whole freakin' room with plants. Like make it so we can't get into our beds at night! OK?"
Kai smiled, and rubbed her red nose.
Lilly suddenly looked at Kai. "I hate you, by the way."
Kai squinted, confused.
"You have to look so gorgeous. Even when your eyes are all puffy."
Kai covered her eyes in her palms, smiling and crying. Then she sniffled: "I just want to go home to Nina's greenhouse."
"Think of all the fun we're still supposed to have. The college adventures...."
Lilly sat up and put one arm out, like a valet gesturing at a limousine—but she was inviting Kai to climb out of bed.
So Kai followed.
Then she remembered. College "adventures"...?
They weren't great.
For example, the latest adventure: A new anonymous note that turned up yesterday in her inbox:
THINK WE DON'T SEE YOU YOU WALKING WITH LUKAS?
BACK OFF, BITCH.
U SO DESPERATE U HAVE TO SHOW HIM YOUR SLUTTY-A$$ CLOTHES?!
. . * * * * . . . . . .
. . . . * * * * . . . .
. . . . . . * * * * . .
Right. Kai thought. Back to the world of college.
College. Full of petty, ridiculous, superficial gossips with hate in their hearts.
At least she had Lilly. And her plants.
Breathing out slowly, Kai decided she'd reward herself. Later, after biology class, she'd get her drill and screwdriver, and her new DIY greenhouse kit. And head to the rooftop.
Then: it'd be moving day for her plants.
Kai could almost imagine how desperately happy her leafy green babies would be—up there, drinking in sunlight. It suddenly gave her a delicious shiver, under her skin—a shiver which replaced the bitter edge of her dream.
She went to the bathroom, bracing herself for the sight of her puffy eyes under fluorescent lights.
Lilly was there patting a green clay face mask onto her face.
"Make sure you eat ice cream today, OK?" Lilly smiled. "Mint. Lots of mint chocolate chip ice cream."
Kai's favorite flavor.
After a long hug, they went on to the rest of their day.
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🌱🌱🌱🌱🌱
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