❗TRIGGER WARNING ❗
(this chapter mildly mentions binge eating and negative self talk)
Sanaa ☯️
"You're pathetic, Sanaa," my conscience whispered as the car approached the airport. For once, I completely agreed with my it. I should have been used to my father leaving for work purposes but I've been attached to him since the beginning of my time.
"Do you really have to leave?" my siblings and I pouted as we stood with our father at the airport. His flight to Nigeria was intended for family business he had to complete.
"You know the answer to that," he sighed with a small smile on his face. "It's just three weeks after all."
"Three weeks are so far away," Ama whined.
"It's for business anyway," I told my siblings, rubbing their backs in a comforting manner.
"Have a save flight," we said, hugging him before he disappeared into the building.
"Let's go," Mom called out and we followed.
•
"Mom, are you okay?" I asked, entering her room.
"I don't think so," she said, positioning her back on the back of the bed. Her face was pale and her voice was slightly raspy.
I sat beside her and placed my hand on her forehead to feel her body's temperature.
"You're burning!" I exclaimed, jerking my hand away from her skin.
"I must've caught a fever," she stated while face-palming.
"What's wrong, Mom?" my siblings asked, joining us in her room.
"Fever."
I exchanged a sly smile with my siblings as we chuckled.
"What?" Mom asked, her eyes darting between us.
"You know you don't have a fever," Kai smiled.
"What do I have then?"
"You are lovesick!" we sang in unison.
She merely shook her head with a smile. Mom had the tendency to get ill whenever Dad left us for a couple of weeks. Teasing her was an activity my siblings and I loved to do.
"I'm going to make some tea for you," I said to her while heading towards the door. "Who else needs some?"
"Me!" my siblings exclaimed simultaneously.
"Preferably with a few scoops of honey," Kai added.
"Okay."
I returned with four hot cups of rooibos tea with biscuits on a tray. The rest of the day was filled with food and laughs.
The following the day was filled with agitation. I hated waking up early. With an eye roll, I proceeded with my morning routine and waited for Mr. Mudau to pick my siblings and me up. I sighed in frustration as I realised that Ada and Chichi ignored the messages I've sent a couple of days ago. The messages prior to that seemed odd, which confirmed my suspicion of their shifts in energy. My endless number of failed friendship fueled my desire of having a stable life but I knew it would never happen. Not in this lifetime anyway.
At school I mingled with my siblings' friends as an attempt to get to know them better. As the oldest, I found it necessary to know if they're good enough for my siblings personality wise. I made a lot of academic progress and came out of my shell as well. My friends and I cracked jokes throughout the breaks and Marla and I developed the habit of eating crackers whenever we had English classes which I found quite amusing. My overall health throughout the past weeks was good aside from my occasional binge eating habits I developed due to my insecurities. In an attempt to curb the actions, I contemplated on exercising more often. Perhaps it might work.
After another day in school, I spread my body across my bed while dressed in my lounge clothes while listening to hip hop music, which happened to be my favourite genre.
I scrolled mindlessly through Instagram, admiring the beautiful girls that filled my timeline.
"God really has favourites," I mumbled as I stared at their toned physiques and symmetrical faces. I sighed, placing my phone beside me as I thought of myself.
"Why did I have to be so ugly?"
The physical attributes of myself that I despised filled my brain, which caused a throbbing headache that could probably not be cured by pills. I was aware that my toxic thoughts could deteriorate my self esteem and mental health but if seemed like my mind was already accustomed to bruising me. It felt like a never ending cycle which made fear the years to come.
An incoming message disrupted my hate train, which I was thankful for. Who could my saviour be?
I realised that Damon started following me on Instagram and sent me a message, saying: I think there's something wrong with my phone. Could you try calling it to see if it works?
With a chuckle, I followed him back and replied, saying: Sorry, I don't talk to strangers ;)
Dame 💯
@//dame.edwards
Nice try, we literally sit together almost everyday 😏
Unfortunately
What's that supposed to mean?
Exactly what it means.
Stop lying 🙄
I've seen you get flustered over me.
Might have been me hiding my disgust from your smelly training gear 😇
...
You belong in hell.
I know😇
What brings you here on this fine day?
Just wanted a nice, friendly conversation with my friend but look at how that turned out.
We're friends? 😏
😐
I'm joking... kind of 😉
Wouldn't expect anything less 🙄
Your eyes will definitely drop out at this rate.
Wouldn't that be an amazing sight?
Yeah, that would be a nice sight.
I was being sarcastic.
And I don't care
Do you actually like being difficult?
What's the fun in being easy?
Good point
See you tomorrow
Unfortunately 😔
Girl, you know my voice alone brightens your day
Continue to flatter yourself, boy
Until tomorrow ✌🏽
A small smile appeared on my face as I prepared for another school day. Fortunately, the school year flew by quickly and the summer holidays were around the corner. My school usually closed around mid to late June which was quite different from the regular South African school system, which ended in December.
After exchanging goodnights with my mother and siblings, I went to bed with a sudden wave of emotions hitting me which led to a tear escaping my eye.
They definitely weren't mine...
dream state
"Hey," I said, calling out an absent minded Abel. "Are you okay?" I questioned, placing my hand on his tense shoulder, which seemed to relax under my touch.
"I got into an argument with my father," he replied as his thick eyebrows furrowed. "It seems to be a recurring thing nowadays," he mumbled mostly to himself.
As an empath, I was prone to absorbing the energy of others, which made it difficult for me to differentiate my feelings from theirs. Fortunately, I became better at differentiating them and controlling them when I realize another person's energy threatens to decrease mine. His anger and sadness emotionally drained me more than any other feeling I tended to absorb throughout the day, which I found strange. I attempted to emotionally dissociate myself to no avail. It almost seemed as if his feelings were a hidden reflection of mine.
Sighing softly, I engulfed him in a hug. I could tell he appreciated it due to his relaxed position. His eyelashes fluttered against the crook of my neck, where his head rested. Actions speak louder than words after all.
"Better?" I asked, breaking away from him.
"Yeah, thank you," he answered with a small smile.
"It's okay," I said with a small smile. "I'll always be here for you. I'm your friend after all."
"Friends..." he said slowly, trying the word on his tongue with a hint of uncertainty.
With a raised eyebrow, I pushed his reaction out of my mind and proceeded to pick out some flowers in an attempt to make a bouquet. Handing the bouquet to him with a smile, I said, "For you."
With a chuckle, he said, "You're something else."
He took the bouquet from my hand with his hands before taking a deep sniff from the flowers with his eyes closed. I made a mental note to myself to capture the moment by drawing when I return to the physical realm.
"Come on," I whispered, grabbing his hand. "If I remember correctly, there are some swings beside the lake."
With intertwined hands, we strolled through the flower field in a comfortable silence. We took our respective seats on the swings and made some small talk, catching up on our days.
"How's the training going so far?" I asked, making eye contact with Abel.
"It's good. I might be recruited for the U21 national team," he replied casually but his eyes betrayed him. I took notice of the sparkle that gleamed in his eyes and his tense posture that struggled to contain the joy that threatened to burst out of him.
A huge grin spread across my face as I heard the news. After joining the PSG Academy from a tender age, I was glad to see Abel approaching his dream of becoming a professional football player.
"That's great news!" I exclaimed.
"Exactly. I still thank God for my intelligence because it would've saved me if this didn't work," he said, chuckling lightly.
"At least you won't worry about that," I smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Just continue working hard and you'll fulfill your dreams. As we say in my family, the sky is just the beginning."
"Thank you," he said, finally breaking into a smile. "How are your plans going so far?" he asked, referring to my dreams of being an artist.
"I've been practicing a lot but I haven't told my parents yet."
"Will you ever tell them at this rate? You'll be graduating in less than two years from now."
"I don't know," I said, covering my face with my hands. "I'm just afraid of their reaction."
"You can still decide to choose a realistic job," he smiled, sarcasm evident in his tone.
"I think I'll do just that. I am smart after all," I said, rolling my eyes. "I'll tell them when the time is right."
"When is the right time?"
"A time that's convenient for me."
"You got me there," he said with a nod. "I can't wait to see you," he whispered.
"One day," I replied with confidence. "I'll see you," I said, closing my eyes.
"Of course."
end of dream state
•
I was warming up to the idea of Abel although I didn't know how to accurately describe it.
"Soulmate perhaps?" rang in my hand as I recalled Ada's theory.
"I'll research later," I said in my head as we approached school.
"See you in the afternoon, Mr. Mudau," my siblings, Nita and I said to Mr Mudau as we got out of the car. He nodded and smiled in response before taking off. Picking up Nita in the morning and dropping her off in the afternoon became a regular routine. I was glad to know that she could keep the money for emergency purposes. Her gratitude filled me with joy as well even though her thank you's were exaggerated at times.
"It's fine, you're my friend. That's what they're for," I'd tell her every morning.
"What's on your mind?" I asked her as we approached the classroom.
"You," she replied, which caught me by surprise. "You've always been nice to me and I hate the fact that I haven't been entirely honest as much as I would've liked to."
"Please don't feel pressured to tell me anything if you're not ready," I said, placing my hand on her shoulder as an attempt to comfort her.
She let out a huge sigh as her hands ran through her small afro. "I want to tell you my truth. You've proven to be trustworthy. Besides, everyone knows about it anyway."
"Okay," I said lowly, with a hint of uncertainty. I didn't want her to feel pressured to tell me her story and her uneasiness didn't help me either. I could tell that her past experiences weighed her down in all aspects of her health. Hopefully, I will be able to give her the support she needs.
-n