♊︎Year 5067, Month 6, Day 23, Time 7:38 pm♊︎
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Do it.
The voice in his head urges him, begging him to go through with it.
Do it, already. Get it over with. She's blacklisted anyway.
It continues to goad him, relentlessly poking at him to the point where he feels like the temptation is driving him insane.
There in front of him lies his target. Her chest rising and falling peacefully with each intake of breath as she rests on the infirmary's bed, without a single idea of what danger she's in right now.
The mere sight of her looking so vulnerable propelled him to act on his desire to eliminate the injured woman. Besides, he wouldn't lose anything by killing her. He'd be going through with what Gemini wanted him to do. He'd be able to prove not only his love for his partner but also his loyalty to the Meisters by killing the blacklisted subject.
And above all, he'd finally be getting revenge for his first death.
All of this could easily be accomplished. All he needs to do is inject the extra morphine into her bloodstream and let the drug do the rest.
It's Simple.
And yet, he can't bring himself to go through with it, even with how easy it is. Even with how seductively the needle hovers over the malnourished skin on her forearm and how the hatred he's harbored for her had begun to stir and broil; he can't kill her.
He doesn't know if it's because he lacks the guts or the hatred to do so, but something is preventing him from sliding the needle in.
Frustrated, he grunts furiously, turning around and launching the needle across the room so that it crashes and breaks into a million pieces the moment it makes contact with the wall.
Collecting himself, the raven-haired man runs his hands through his hair, pulling at it while on the verge of violent tears when he feels something skim his back for a moment.
He almost jumps out of his skin at first, spinning around instantly to see what it was that touched him. To his surprise, he was met with the sight of the tattooed woman's shaky arm, outstretched and determined to get his attention.
Contrary to what he expected to see, the man noticed the faint shadow of a smile forming at the corners of Kurenai's pale, dry lips— a sight he thought was a mistake until he heard her call out for him.
"Seonghwa?" She rasps out, dropping her hand as she takes in the sight of him. There's a mixture of guilt and relief when she sees him, something that drives her to smile at him through her confusion. "I didn't think I'd ever feel so relieved to see your face again."
Seonghwa doesn't answer, keeping silent as he looks down at her with an unreadable expression. Seeing her awake brought up unsavory feelings, both good and bad, that he wishes he could avoid.
"Am I getting the silent treatment?" She tries to joke lightly but it has no positive effect on the man. Instead, it irritates him further, how this woman that's caused him so much pain is trying to act like she's done nothing.
His fists bunch up as time tics right past them, neither of them moving an inch. Kurenai soon notices his curled-up fists and her slight smile turns downcast, her eyes becoming gloomy and sorrowful.
It becomes unbearable for Seonghwa to see her this way, a sharp pang rising in his chest at the mere thought of ever trying to kill the woman. To distract himself, he moves his line of sight over to the screen on her left that displays her vitals.
Taking interest in the screen, Seonghwa studies the woman's steady but slightly slowed heart rate and everything else. It's then he remembers the threat San made clear to him earlier. Looking back now on that threat, he can see how foolish he was to contemplate taking Kurenai's life.
Subconsciously, Seonghwa lifts a hand to inspect the drip chamber on the IV. He gives it a couple of flicks before looking down at the catheter that steadily releases the IV fluids into her bloodstream.
He sighs, still refraining from engaging in conversation with Kurenai and turning to check her wounds instead. Moving a hand to peel back the new gauze pads covering her stomach, Seonghwa gently tries to feel around the wound for extra swelling when Kurenai hisses in pain, snatching up his wrist which startles him.
"S-Sorry." He stammers, keeping his eyes away from her face and trained on the wound on her stomach. She's still holding on tight to his wrist and when he sees that she's not letting go, the raven-haired man lifts his gaze to meet hers, quirking an eyebrow at her. "Do you plan on letting go soon or...?"
"I have something I've been meaning to ask you. Have you... Do you remember when we first met?" The question catches him so off guard that when he opens his mouth to answer he's left at a loss for words. He closes his mouth to not look like a total idiot, coming back to his senses and answering her curtly.
"I do. We met on the retrieval mission where I almost left you paralyzed—."
"No, not that. I'm talking about our trainee days. The very first time we met." Seonghwa sucks in his breath, looking down at the hand that's still clamped around his and swallowing the bubbles rising in his stomach.
He hates it. He hates the way he feels sorry for her when he should be feeling spiteful. He hates the way her injured form makes him feel like he should be protecting her. And above all, he hates the way she still manages to make him feel warm on the inside, something that shouldn't be his first reaction to her touch. He should be repulsed but instead, he secretly wishes that she keeps her hand there just a little longer.
"Would you care to refresh my memory?" His voice comes out low and gentle, opposite to the tone Kurenai was expecting from him. She looks away for a moment.
"We met at MALUS's main tower." She starts, jogging what little memory she recovered while
escaping the large building. "I think we met somewhere in Max's medical wing. In a janitor's closet. I don't know why we were in there though."
Seonghwa chuckles, poking the inside of his cheek with his tongue. Her words light up a memory of his that he held dearly, surprising him that she was able to recover such an old moment.
"You were running from a guard because you had stolen his keycard to get candies. You bumped into me along the way and dragged me to hide in a janitor's closet with you."
The edge of Kurenai's lip turns up into a weak smile as he delves deeper, bringing back more pieces of the lost memory.
"Yeah, I think I remember now." She laughs slightly, wincing when she feels a pain shoot up her torso and biting down on her tongue to keep from making a noise, but a small whimper manages to slip from her lips.
"Do you have another wound I didn't address?" In a moment of nostalgia, Seonghwa reacts to her pain worriedly, stretching out his hand to help her situate herself again and handling her with feathery lightness, he seems almost scared to harm her.
Kurenai notices the sudden behavior change and she stays silent as he fusses over her, studying the way his slim fingers work to make sure she's comfortable and the way he mutters to himself.
The small action triggers a chain reaction in her mind that unleashes multiple memories she's shared with Seonghwa in her past life, all of them passing through her head like some sort of film.
Moments just like this one where he's had to take care of her and vice-versa fill her mind, creating the ghost of a smile over her lips.
"Have you always talked to yourself when you worry for someone?" She suddenly asks, noticing the common action in her memories.
Seonghwa snaps his head up at her when she asks this, realizing the way he's been acting and collecting himself in the same moment.
"Ahem. Um, I'm not sure." He responds, clearing his throat, standing up straight, and placing his hands behind his back in unexpected professionalism. His face goes back to that deepest frown that only ever decorates his face when he's around her. It saddens Kurenai. "Anyways, I think you'll need to stay on the IV drip for probably a day. I'll try to find some vitamin and saline bags for you. You lost a lot of blood so there's a chance that I might have to do a blood transfusion as well."
"Seonghwa?" Kurenai suddenly interrupts, her voice coming out small. Either way, he still catches it.
"Yes?" The raven-haired man notices her hesitance, pressing his lips together and pulling over his stool to sit down on.
When he turns to look at her agin, he notices how her eyes have begun to fill up with tears— a sight that hurt him more than it should've.
"What was I to you?" Once again, Seonghwa is left stumped on how he should answer, debating whether or not to even continue the conversation.
He knows that he should've shut her down the moment she tried making small talk with him because, in the end, it'll only make it harder for him to kill her. But something deep within him still longs for everything to go back to normal. For everything to go back to the way it was before they were placed in that damned team, in those damn trials.
He just wants the old Kurenai back. The happy-go-lucky girl he met on the first day. His best friend. His first crush.
"You were important to me." He answers vaguely at first, then deciding to give a definite response. "You were my best friend."
Seonghwa's voice turns out shaky at the end, finding it harder to admit this in front of her than he initially expected.
Hearing this, Kurenai's prior knowledge she'd been given by Max is finally confirmed, and the pain that comes with it is debilitating. She finds herself at a loss for words, delaying the next question she had in mind.
"Then what did I do to you for you hate me?" When she finally utters her last question, it's merely a whisper, almost getting carried away by the noise of her heart monitor.
Studying Seonghwa's reaction, Kurenai catches his fists curling up and his muscles tensing, knowing that she's crossed a line. A line that has to be crossed for her to set things right.
The sudden motion as the raven-haired man stands up startles Kurenai who was waiting anxiously for an answer, but instead of receiving an answer, she's met with the piercing glare that Seonghwa directs at her.
The cold glare itself almost makes Kurenai backtrack as he turns away but she catches his hand before he could fully leave, wrapping her cold fingers around his warm ones with a compelling force. It catches Seonghwa so off guard that he instantly rips his hand away from her, cradling his hand to his chest as if she'd just burnt him.
He opens his mouth to tell her off when he sees her limp hand fall; her tear-streaked face and trembling lip all working to convince him to answer her against his will.
"Please," She begs in a broken voice, a sob strangling her words which come out in small syllables, barely audible. "I need to know what happened. I need your memories so that I can remember mine. I need your help." More tears stream down Kurenai's face as she pleas, slowly making it harder for him to turn her down, but it isn't until she utters the last words that he feels something pull at his heart— the final push. "Seonghwa... I need your help."
"I— I don't..." He takes a step back in shock at her words, knocking into his stool and grabbing onto the side of her bed to steady himself when feels her hand sliding over his.
Seonghwa hangs his head, shutting his eyes tightly as he pulls himself together, his handballing up into a fist under hers. If only she had an idea of what kind of excruciating pain it brings him to remember those things she's asking about, then she'd know...
"There are parts of my memories that have been cut out as well." He begins, hurting his jaw with how hard he's closing it all while keeping his tears at bay. "I do remember that day though. The day you killed me. We had been sent somewhere... to spar. They sent all of us together. It was a survival test."
"Why would they—?"
"I don't know why they sent us there." Seonghwa cuts her off with a lie, knowing full well the answer to her question. He takes a shaky breath. "We had been there for a couple of days when the Meisters gave us each two targets. San and Candy were mine, but I never... the thought of going after them never crossed my mind."
"Do you know my targets?" Kurenai questions, her hand subconsciously gripping Seonghwa's tighter as he relays these memorize to her, slowly helping her unwind her own like an old tape.
"Candy and I were your targets." Seonghwa's voice unexpectedly turns sour, a tinge of loathing at the back of his throat. "Or at least I'd like to think we were. I don't think I could've handled knowing you came after us on your own accord." He glances up at her, his irate glare meeting her troubled one. "I remember how you feigned being my ally. Maybe my death was in part my fault for trusting you so easily. I remember buddying up with you after Candy's death was announced; I was scared and you were my best option. I remember falling asleep that night..." As he pauses, Kurenai notices the hot tears rolling down his cheeks, reaching up to wipe at them but getting her hand violently snatched away. "I woke up the next day to a cold blade pressed against my neck. Do you wanna guess who it was handling the blade?"
"I-it was... was it—?" The answer lies on the tip of her tongue but her mouth refuses to vocalize it, afraid of confirming what she'd been told over and over again.
Even in this state, this vulnerable, helpless state, Kurenai refuses to accept her wrongs. Her lack of response infuriates Seonghwa who has a hand clamped over hers, squeezing it so hard that his own fists start to shake.
"You were the one holding the blade. You were the one who dragged it across my throat even after I begged for my life. You were the one who watched in sickening amusement as I bled out at your feet! It was you!" Seonghwa throws her weak hand down on the bed as hard as he can, causing Kurenai to snatch it back in panic; his brow furrowed and his nostrils flared like a savage bull. "That— that look in your eyes when you killed me." He shakes his head, his expression threatening to break as he bites down harshly in his bottom lip; the metallic taste of a couple of drops of blood filling his mouth. "I couldn't recognize you anymore. I still can't recognize you."
"I'm sorry." Kurenai's voice breaks. "I'm so sorry and I know that my words can never fix the damage I've done, but I'm still sorry. I'm sorry for changing. I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry that I can't be the same girl you met on your first day at MALUS. I'm sorry." She repeats her apologies over and over, bringing her hands up to bury her face in them.
I'm sorry for killing Max, Kurenai thinks of apologizing but bites back her tongue out of fear that he'll snap at her. Instead, she falls silent, holding in her tears and waiting for the man's response.
"I don't think I can forgive you anymore. There's no fixing it." Seonghwa admits, his tone coming out harsher than he meant.
"I'm sorry." She cries silently, her guilt becoming an insufferable boulder that's bound to crush her completely.
"Save your sorrows. Save them for the day you pay for what you did. Cause it's sure as hell going to be soon." Turning on his heel while he still has the strength to do so, Seonghwa walks out of the room, pushing back the images that bubbled to the surface of his intertwined past with Kurenai.
Gemini is right. He still harbors feelings for Kurenai but not for the one he sees now: they're for the Kurenai he spent his trainee days with, for the mischievous girl that always dragged him into trouble, for her.
Sadly, that girl is lost, buried deep somewhere in Kurenai with no hope to return. He can see the distinction now very clearly which is what withheld him from killing her. It was that hope that the old Kurenai would come back but has no chance of returning. Not now, not with what she's been through, not ever.
At least now he can focus on following through with what he promised Gemini
He has to kill her.
He will kill her.
Soon.