It had been a week since I'd watched Tank ride off down the road, leaving me standing in the dust his motorcycle had kicked up. A week of me pining after him. It seemed like he'd changed tactics. And all I wanted to do was have him chase me some more.
But that was messed up. Because I knew it would only lead to me pushing him away.
"Seriously," Carrie said. "What's holding you back?"
"I'd been having this conversation with the pride every day for the past week. They hadn't let me behind the bar. Boomer, the latest prospect, the one who'd killed Joey. He was actually a pretty good bartender. I never let anybody behind my bar except Barbara, but he passed the test.
"I don't know," I answered Carrie seriously. I really didn't.
"Do you want him?" Rachel asked. She was holding storm in her arms, rocking him. She'd just fed him and he was a little fussy. I couldn't believe he was coming up on one year old. He was ten months now or something. Time was flying. Charlie was ready to pop any day now. Carrie, as far as I knew, still wasn't pregnant, but her and bender seemed ridiculously in love and happy either way.
"I do," I said biting my lip finally answering Rachel.
"We knew that," Liza said. Charlie snorted in agreement with her. Megan was the only one who was quiet and I'd never been more thankful for her submissive nature.
"So what's stopping you?" Carrie asked.
I felt like she was the only one I could relate to. She'd dug her heels in and fought her feelings for Bender for longer than he'd wanted too. Looking at them now, you'd never know it. Out of all the brothers that had old ladies now, he seemed the most in love. Obviously they all loved their women, but Bender had this look in his eyes whenever he looked at her, like she was the only thing in the world he could see.
I wanted Tank to look at me like that.
Something told me he did. I was just too blind to see it.
"What aren't you telling us?" Charlie asked this time. She winced and I knew the baby had kicked her in the ribs.
I took a deep breath. Even these girls, the ones I considered my closest friend didn't know about my mom. I'd never told them. Never wanted to. I didn't want their pity either.
"My mom is sick," I said, biting the bullet and finally admitting it to them. "She's got MS." None of them knew what to say. "She can't walk; she can barely speak." My eyes were tearing as I told them. Liza was sitting next to me and wrapped her arm around me.
"Why didn't you ever say anything?" Rachel asked.
"I didn't want you all to look at me the way you're looking at me right now. Like you pity me."
'It's not pity," Carrie said quickly. "It's not the same, but that's why I never tell people about my PCOS. I don't want them to look at me any differently. But it's not pity. It's concern from your friends. We love you and you don't have to go through anything alone, especially the hard stuff."
"I still don't understand how that makes you not want Tank?" Megan asked.
"I told him I couldn't take care of anyone else. I take care of myself and the club and my sister and my mom. I can't add an old man to the list. I sleep four hours a night most nights, if I'm lucky. There's no room left for anyone else."
"But he doesn't want you to take care of him," Charlie said quickly. I already knew what she was going to say. She was going to say the same thing that he said to me. "He wants to take care of you."
Liza released me and let me sit back up straight in the booth. Tears were in my eyes as I looked around at them. They'd all been here. I'd been with each of them for most of it. I'd seen the times they'd tried to run from their old men; hell, even Megan had tried to run from Greaser at one point. The only two that had never run were Liza and Carrie. But Carrie had made Bender work for it. Hands had been the only one to catch hid old lady easily and keep her just as easily. Probably why they had four kids.
"You're telling me that all your old men didn't say almost the exact same thing to you, but you haven't ended up taking care of them either?" I asked. I was being bitchier than was necessary but I didn't know how else to deal with the emotions running through me.
"We take care of each other," Megan said. I hadn't been expecting that from her. Her relationship was the most different than the rest of them. Greaser had total control over her. She didn't talk about it much, but it was clear that that's what she wanted and needed. He worshiped her. It wasn't like he was abusive; he would never lay hands on her in that way, but he told her what to do, how to do it, where to do it. And she loved it. I could never understand, but I didn't need to understand it to see clearly how much they loved each other.
"We do," Rachel said. "I would not have gotten through the first few months of Storm's life without Nathan making sure I was eating, sleeping, taking care of myself while I was taking care of him, feeding him. Him being Storm and not Nathan," she laughed.
"Ryan takes way more care of me than I do him," Carrie continued. "He helped me love myself, see my own value when I never could, didn't think I deserved to. He took care of me while I was still working at the hospital, making all my meals when I was too exhausted to cook for myself."
"Hawk does everything for me," Charlie said. "He rubs my sore feet, and goes to all my appointments with me. I don't life a finger at home anymore because he does everything. It's their way of showing how much they love us. Tank wouldn't be any different with you," she said softly.
We all looked at Liza.
"Honestly, you don't want to hear my side of this. I have the only one who's still a child apparently," she snorted. We all laughed lightly at her. "I'm only half serious. Yes, taking care of him is exhausting, and, at times, can feel like I've got five children instead of four. But then he does something like brings me breakfast in bed on a Sunday, or takes the kids to his parents for the day so we can have a day just for ourselves and I realise that even though the scales aren't always balanced, he takes care of me too."
I chewed on the inside of my cheeks while I contemplated their words.
"Let him take care of you," Carrie said. She looked at me like she knew exactly what I was thinking.
Storm started to cry so Rachel stood from the booth. Charlie followed her, probably in need of the bathroom since her baby girl liked to play kickball on her bladder. Megan left too, probably in search of Greaser. And then Liza left too, probably needing to pick up the kids.
That left me with Carrie.
She smiled softly at me. I liked her as soon as Charlie had brought her around. Admittedly, it had taken me some more time to warm up to Charlie. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that Hawk and I had history. At all.
Truly.
I was just worried she was going to break his heart. And she had. She also had been the one to put it back together.
With Carrie, I had known instantly that she wouldn't hurt Bender. She didn't have it in her to hurt anyone, especially him.
"I know what you're doing," she said. "I did the same thing." I couldn't even deny it. "But running from Ryan was never the right move," she said. "I've seen the way Tank looks at you. I was the first one to ask him about it."
"What?" I hadn't known that.
She nodded. "When he and the guys had to play security guards for Ryan and me." She didn't finish. The memory was still too painful. We'd all gotten lucky that night. "Of course," she continued. "I'd been sure you guys were already sleeping together. How could a man look at you like that and you not want to sleep with him."
"You didn't with Bender," I told her. Thanks to her I knew his real name, but I still didn't call him that.
"But I wanted to," she admitted. I knew that. We all knew that. "He looks at you the way Ryan looks at me."
"I know."
"But what you don't know, or either won't admit, is that you look at him the way I look at Ryan."
"So what you're saying is..."
"Give him a chance."
"I want to," I admitted. Of course I wanted to. How could I not?
"Then do it," I said.
"What if he breaks my heart?" I asked her.
"He won't. You know him. listen to your heart. He's not like that. You know how the guys in the club are. Once they make their mind up about a woman, they're all in. He'll worship you, treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Let him."
"But," I said again looking for any type of protest that I could make.
"No buts."
"What if I can't jump all in, like the others. What if I want to take it slow?"
"Like I did?"
"Slower," I said. I needed to be sure. I needed time. Sure I'd been friends with benefits with Hawk for awhile, but other than that my sexual experience was limited. Hawk was only the second guy I'd been with. I didn't have any sexual trauma or anything, but I just always valued sex. I didn't judge a woman, even the soul suckers for their sexual promiscuity. Each woman had the ability to choose her own partners- who, how many, where, when. That was her right to do with her body. I just liked sex to be meaningful. It had been with Hawk only because we were friends. And before that, with Tim, it had been meaningful. I'd loved him. He'd bailed as soon as my mom got too sick.
"Tank will take things as slow as you want. Listen to your heart," she said.
She made it seem so dreamy and easy. Maybe it should be, but my life had never been like that. My mom had worked multiple jobs when she'd been healthy. Barbara and I had grown up poor. We always had food, but there wasn't a lot of money for extras.
"How do you know?"
"Wanna know a secret?" She said. She had a huge grin on her face. She looked around like she was about to tell me a huge conspiracy.
"Sure," I said leaning in so she could whisper.
"Brick told Tank that he should only listen to Ryan for advice."
I couldn't help the boisterous laugh that came out of me. My head fell back and I ended up slapping my hand over my mouth to try and keep from drawing attention to us.
"I mean, it's good advice," I said. She nodded her head.
"That's how I know. Because I know my man," she said.
Her man.
I wanted Tank to be my man; I was just fucking terrified.
I took a deep breath and steadied my shoulders.
"Besides," she shrugged. "If he hurts you we'll just get Rachel to kick his ass. They act like we don't know that they're all terrified of her."
She laughed loudly at her own words making me laugh at her. I would never be able to admit it, but she was my favorite of the old ladies.
"Hey babydoll," Bender said sliding into the booth. Church must have just let out.
"Hey big guy." He kissed her chastely and they both had ridiculous smiles on their faces.
I wanted that.
I could have that.
With Tank.
"He's in his room," Bender said. He turned and winked at me.
"Good luck," Carrie said.
"Thanks. Just keep Rachel on standby."
The way Bender's face paled was comical causing Carrie and I to laugh again.
I smirked at her as I stood up and headed towards the stairs. I walked by Hawk with Charlie and Rachel with Nathan and Storm on my. They all eyed me knowingly. That was the worst part about being within the clubhouse walls. Nothing was a secret.
I climbed the stairs slowly, thinking about what I was going to say.
Truthfully, I had no idea. I should have asked the girls for advice.
Once I reached the top, I headed left towards Tank's bedroom. I could hear music playing softly in the background. From across the hall I could hear the sound of video games being played in Echo's room. He always had his head in some sort of electronic device. I knocked twice and waited on bated breath for him to answer.
"B," he said. He'd recently started calling me that. It was always B or babe.
"Hey. Can we talk?"
"Sure," he agreed quickly. Tank opened the door to his bedroom wide enough too that I could brush past him.
His room was surprisingly clean. There was no errant laundry, or left over food, empty beer or liquor bottles. It even smelled clean.
He waited patiently for me to start talking. I sat on his bed and fidgeted with my hands nervously. "I don't really know what to say," I said.
He looked at me, his eyes pleading for me to just say what we both wanted me to say. "I like you, Tank." He smiled widely. It was instantaneous and took up half his face, flashing his bright white teeth at me. "Of course I like you," I continued. "But I'm terrified," I admitted.
"I'm not going to hurt you," he said quickly.
"Not on purpose."
"Not at all."
I paused, trying to believe him. It was big promise, one all the other brother made to their old ladies. The only one who hadn't broken the promise was Bender.
"I can't jump in head first. I want to take it slow."
"Like Carrie and Bender?"
"Slower," I said.
He looked like he didn't understand. "I'm going to need some specifics," he said. "My answer is yes. Obviously of course it's yes." I smiled at his enthusiasm. He went to kiss me but I pushed my hand against his chest. "Too fast?" He asked. His eyebrows furrowed together cutely, making him look younger.
"I don't know," I said truthfully biting my bottom lip. "You're so good," I said to him.
"Why don't I tell you my name," he suggested.
"Okay," I said.
I had no idea what it could be.
"Tanner."
"Tanner?"
"Tanner," he said again.
"I like it," I smiled at him.
"Why don't we start with a date?" He asked.
He'd gotten that exact line from Bender. I knew that because Carrie had told me. I guess he was taking Brick's advice about who to take advice from.
"I need to check with my sister to see when she can take care of my mom," I told him.
"Okay. Do you have some time right now?" He asked.
"Right now? You want to go on a date right now?"
"No," he said shaking his head. "I want to nap."
"A nap?"
"I'd really like to hold you while we sleep."
My cheeks flushed in warmth.
I checked my watch for the time. I still had a few hours before I needed to be home.
"Okay."
Tank stood and pulled me with him. I watched as he started taking his clothes off. "Do you kind if I sleep in my boxers?"
"Just your boxers?" Why did I suddenly need clarification about everything he said.
"Yes. I'll behave."
"It's fine," I said. I trusted him. If he was going to sleep in just his boxers than I was going to make myself comfortable too. I pulled my bra off without taking my t-shirt off. Tank watched me with lust filled eyes but kept his promise. He didn't try anything. He let me climb into the bed coast before he settled in behind me. I laid on my side and felt him push his body against mine.
His hand rested on my hip and his head was pushed against mine, his chin on my shoulder.
"If you snore it might be a deal breaker," he whispered in my ear. I barked out a laugh before elbowing him lightly. He laughed before planting a delicate kiss against my shoulder.
"Sleep well, babe."
And I did.
I fell asleep almost instantly, not even remembering it.
And I slept peacefully.
Too bad my wake up call wasn't peaceful.
When I'd first climbed into bed I'd expected Tank to wake me sweetly, gently kisses and soft, whispered words.
Instead, Tank was thrashing in the bed.
"No! Daddy, stop! Please! Don't! I'll be good. I promise!"
His voice was a strangled cry as it tore past his throat.
I had no idea what to do. Was I supposed to wake him?
It seemed to be getting worse, so I did what I thought was best.
"Tank!" I yelled shaking him. "Tank!" I shook him harder.
He woke startled. And I must have scared him because he bolted upright, lifting his hands in the air. His left hand connected with my face, punching me accidentally.
"Oh my god, Brenda. I'm so sorry!" I cupped my face. It hurt, but I wasn't going to tell him that and make him feel worse.
"I'm fine. I'm fine," I assured him.
"Are you okay?"
Tank looked at me with so much vulnerability my heart broke for him.
In that moment I knew, Tank was broken, fighting his own demons.
And I had no idea how to help him.