20: REGRET
***
J E N N I E
"Je meose chwihan chae geureom
Jom eottae da haedo dwae neon yeah.." (English: Get drunk on your own style what's wrong with that you can do anything yeah..)
I tried to maintain a straight face while watching him perform with his group. It's hard not to react, when the truth is.. I am awed by his presence. I know that both of us are in the same field but it is indeed the first time after three years that I saw him this close.
"Don't jump too much Chaeyoung, your mask is slipping.." I told Chae.
She is so excited to attend this concert of EXO. This is their first comeback after three years.. and of course every exo-ls are hyped up.
"I love you Loey!!!" Rosé shouted with all her lungs. Seriously? I hope no one noticed that it's her.
"Come on Jen! Support your ex!" Chaeyoung whispered more likely shouted at my eardrums.
"Are you having fun Eris?!!!" Baekhyun asked and everyone shouted that almost wrecked my ears.
I am not ashame to admit that I shout as well! It's not my first time attending a k-pop concert of course but I'm so overwhelm by this huge wave of exo-ls that fills up the whole stadium with their undying energy and love. I feel like I am one of them!
"I love you Suho!!!"
"Saranghae D.O!!"
"Marry me Xiumin!!!"
"You are an angel Chen!!"
"I want you Sehun!!!"
"Be mine Lay!!!"
"Baekhyun!!! You are my happiness!!"
"You are so perfect Chanyeol!!!" Rosé shouted along the other exo-ls.
Maybe it's a virus that I can't help but shout as well. "I MISS YOU KIM JONGIN!!"
I heave a sigh after shouting those words, my eyes widening.. did I shout too loud?
I heard Rosé's chuckle beside me. "He probably heard you.." she teases that made my heart beats faster.
"Shut up." I pouted and look up watching Kai fooling around with D.O and Lay on his side.
He didn't hear me. He didn't even know that I am here.
That after three years, the girl who play date with him and broke his heart without leaving an explanation is in his concert, watching him have fun. Watching him live his world without my name tainting his.
You made the right decision Jennie.. I told myself as I watch him enjoyed his performance.
"Let's welcome.. our romantic dancer.." I heard Baekhyun trying to hold his laughter as he introduced Kai for his solo performance, "Kim Jongin!"
"Isn't he gorgeous? Don't you ever regret letting him go?" Rosé asked while the acoustic violin song of loveshot starts as Kai started to dance with the rhythm.
He is only wearing a thin white long sleeves polo and a low pants that hung around his torso. He really deserve the nickname I gave him.. he's indeed a sexy beast.
I held my breath with his every move that flexes his muscles that is place on every right side of his body. Isn't it illegal to be that.. masculine and beautiful at the same time?
"Kyaahhh~!! Jonginnn!!"
"Here!!! Pick me!!!"
"Meee!!! Jongin!! Be mine!!"
My stomach runs cold when he dance walk near where me and Chaeyoung is standing.. no way.. is he going to pick a fan and dance around her? And is he going to pick in our spot?
I saw him smirk and look seductively at the crowd as he lifted his polo to show his perfectly sculpted abs. Why do you have to make me this insane Kim Jongin?! Everyone cheered for him, even Chaeyoung who is a die hard fan of Chanyeol!
I gave Rosé a look that says what-kind-of-betrayal-is-this? And she only give me a peace sign in return.
I look up again only to see Kai taking a step down the stage near me and Rosé. I gulped being pushed there and then with the other people beside us being wild because of Kai being this close.
"Who wants to dance with me?" He asked in a hoarse voice.
Sexy..
"Should I push you Unnie? Or should I not?" Rosé asked playfully that make me squinted my eyes at her as a warning.
But then when I look back at Jongin I saw him staring intensely at me.
Please tell me I'm hallucinating.
I gulped, remembering that I am wearing a cap and a facemask to cover my face.
Did he recognized me?
I felt my heart slowly stopped its beating when he took another step near me. I felt Rosé's hand on my arm, and the music make my ears go deaf. The time slowed.. and I think everything except Jongin became blurry.
This is the first time in three years that we have ever been this close.
I want to took a step too. Or just bend my hand to touch his face. I wanted to voice out how much I miss him so bad.. But how can I do that when he took another step and chose to take a different person's hand?
The lucky fan squealed in delight, her face glowing and blushing while Kai's hand is holding hers gently. He guided her up the stage and he begun to dance sexily around her. Everyone watch with envy and amusement at the same time. Every exo-ls cheered while here I am.. being drown by the thought of what if he saw me? Did he recognize me? I bit my lower lip to stop the growing jealousy that is filling me inside my chest.
I watch how he stared on that pretty amused fan with passion. And I can't help but compare on how he used to look at me before.
"Where are you going Unnie?" Rosé asked but I didn't look back and continue to walk away.
I only wanted to see him.
I only wants to know what he became after three years.
I always think that I made the right decision.. So what if I left him after he confessed that he love me? So what if he begs me to stay and give him a chance? I had no choice but to say awful words because I already chose to leave him that night.
But.. after all these years. I thought I didn't regret my decision.. it sucks to admit that I did now.
***(Flashback)
"Let's end this." I said coldly.
"Why?" Jongin look taken aback. "Why all of a sudden?"
"Because I'm tired. It's all pretend anyway." I look away. "Let's just end it."
He tried to take a step near me but I took a step backward. I practiced what I would look like infront of the mirror so I know how bitchy cold my face is now while looking at him. I rehearsed every damned words that I am going to say today.
"Sure. Let's end it." I was relieved when he quickly agrees. "But give me another chance Jennie.. this time I want us to be real." Only to be shocked by his sudden confession.
What does he mean by that?
"Jennie Kim." I saw how Kai's adam's apple move, indicating how nervous he is. "This is the first time..ever. that I have felt this. You are the only girl who made me feel this way.."
My heart beats faster than normal when my eyes met his, his eyes showing full sincerity and so many emotions that I could not name.
"I.. Love.. You." He said those words slowly that it take time before it sink in to me.
It took a few seconds before I said.. "you can't."
"Jennie.. please give me a chance." He held my hand that I snatch away once I felt the tingling sensation only he can bring.
I forced a laugh before saying the most hurtful words I can think of to make him stop. "I don't give a fvck about you or your feelings okay?"
Before I knew it, word by word became a knife that stabs him. "I thought you know that what we have is only a play date. For me, you are just a toy I could play with. And now? I am done with you. We're over Kim Jongin."
I saw how tears begun to form on the corner of his eyes. I can see how hurt he is. I pause, trying to hide my own pain.
"It was fun p-playing with you." I said before I walked out.
***(End of flashback)
I shouldn't regret what I did.
Because I know for a fact that if I were given a chance to go back in time, I would still choose to do what I had to do.
Because I am weak.. and selfless.
***
(A/N: Stream Don't fight the feeling~)