The night after they had settled on a date idea, Seonghwa didn't sleep. Hongjoong spent all night waiting for his stats to show up on the monitor, but they never did.
And Hongjoong's mind ran wild with possibilities. That Seonghwa was too shy at the idea of the date. That something bad had happened to him. That a big incident at work had occurred that needed his undivided attention.
Hongjoong was left to gnaw on his fingernails nervously all night long. San was in the left room, sleeping, as he took care of that girl he had been assigned. When he stepped out of the chamber in the morning and found Hongjoong curled up and with bloodshot eyes on the chair, he instantly stepped over to deliver a soft hug.
"He didn't sleep?"
Hongjoong leaned his head against San's stomach, exhausted. Some cat hairs stuck to the other man's clothes, but Hongjoong didn't mind them.
"He didn't. Not a second."
Worried, San's eyes scanned the monitor. Hongjoong had been checking the news for any accidents all night long, fearing that Seonghwa might have got in trouble with risky people.
"Do you want me to ask Wooyoung about it?" San's fingers brushed through Hongjoong's hair. The little circles he massaged in the man's scalp had him sigh contently.
"I don't want to be too overbearing... Maybe he just stayed up with friends. Not like I have any right to dig around in his actual life." Downtrodden, Hongjoong glanced around on his desk. His eyes got stuck on the list of dream symbols that he had written down. Sharks with their meaning of imminent danger and high risks that the dreamer felt in his actual life surroundings were the newest addition.
San followed his gaze and gave a hum.
"But it's more than that, isn't it? You need to get to the root to help with his nightmares, for both of your understanding. And the root of his is in his real life. It isn't the same as telling a kid what they saw in that spooky movie wasn't real."
"I feel it might be inappropriate to take those things apart. I don't want to rip open old wounds."
This time, San pulled the piece of paper in. He jammed his index finger down on the word 'execution' with enough pressure that his fingertip turned white.
"Those aren't old wounds. Something else is ripping open those old wounds already. Despite you being with him for weeks now, we see no betterment. If anything, things are getting worse."
Once more, San's fingers brushed through the tufts of Hongjoong's blond hair. Ever so gently.
"I'd dig. You two are close enough that he might be willing to help you. And if he truly just stayed up with friends, then all the better. It's in your job description to consider the lack of sleep as a signal, too," San ended diplomatically. Sighing, Hongjoong buried his nose in the man's hard stomach.
"We should make you captain for the time being. I feel unable to do it right now."
Chuckling, San pushed him off playfully. Mock hurt, Hongjoong slumped back into his chair.
"Then get to work, mate. I don't want to see you moping around on my ship during working hours." San dropped into his seat with a chuckle. Hongjoong laughed with him.
"Now you sound like Jongho."
San's eyes narrowed, his expression becoming pensive.
"But maybe I am... Jongho!" With a grand gesture, he pretended to rip a mask off his face. When he stayed San, both of them shrugged.
"Or not."
Amused, Hongjoong got out his phone to ask Seonghwa about his sleeping pattern. Now that he had stayed up all night, he might just fall asleep later. It was impossible to tell for Hongjoong when exactly he had to be ready at the psycho room. Not as if Seonghwa could know very well, either.
Couldn't sleep tonight?
His text was simple and painfully neutral for their affectionate relationship. But Hongjoong didn't want to jump to conclusions.
While he waited for a reply, he graced San with his company. The man looked more concentrated than usual as he typed away on his report.
"What stage are you and Wooyoung at? Just so I have the juicy details down?"
"We skipped all crisis and dispute stages and went straight to moving in stage. Whenever I bring stuff over for sleepovers, he tells me to just leave it there and spread out gradually." San said it with the utmost dreaminess. Hongjoong made a face at him.
"What, so he consumes you like some carnivorous plant? Creepy."
"Hey, don't call Wooyoung creepy!"
"I suppose you don't view it as bad since you are just as creepy... Creep couple."
Offended, San just screeched at him. After a mere second of anger, his face evened out to cold nonchalance again. He rose his chin defiantly.
"What about you, huh? In your romantic little melodrama with Seonghwa, where are you at? And don't tell me you are still strictly professional. All hints point at something else." Pretentiously intelligent, he adjusted his invisible glasses. Hongjoong scoffed at his antics.
"We aren't fucking if that's what you want to know."
"You should! I'm so interested in what that would feel like for us and a dreaming person. If the situation ever comes up, don't hesitate to jump it. Or him. And tell me everything afterwards."
Sorting his empty papers back into their designated places, for now, Hongjoong just shook his head.
"As if. If that ever happens you will be the last to hear about it." Hongjoong's voice lost itself in a mutter when he picked up his phone. Seonghwa had texted back, and San was instantly forgotten when Hongjoong opened the app.
Sorry to leave you hanging, I couldn't sleep.
Hongjoong frowned at the lack of emojis as he typed out a quick reply.
No problem. Will you sleep soon? Or see me next night?
This time, Seonghwa replied faster.
Let's move it to next night. I'll text you if I can't sleep again, so you won't have to drive to work.
Hongjoong didn't know how he should ask what was going on. If he should ask. The only other option was to discuss it in Seonghwa's dreams, but those situations rarely left them the time and the atmosphere for important conferences.
So he didn't ask. Too insecure whether it was his place.
Alright, I hope you find some rest soon.
When he put the phone down with a long sigh, San peeked over the table curiously.
"Seonghwa? What did he say?"
"He couldn't fall asleep."
"Ah, insomnia probably kicked his butt. Poor guy."
Still irked, Hongjoong marked Seonghwa absent.
"I find it weird. Usually, he just takes sleeping pills or battles it for a few hours until he falls asleep. It doesn't feel like he even tried," Hongjoong mumbled under his breath. His concern for the man translated into him gnawing on his lip.
Restless, Hongjoong pulled close the list of symbols that could potentially hint at the source of Seonghwa's suffering. The words he had read countless times before blurred before his eyes.
He knew it could be anything. Seonghwa could just be restless. But the fact that it was right in the night that they had promised to go on a day with each other gnawed on Hongjoong's heart. Through his fragile veil of insecurity, came the worry that something larger than Seonghwa's desire to date him had come up.
Hongjoong couldn't concentrate. The theories and claims he wanted to come up with didn't enter his brain, for he was so busy fretting over nothing.
"Maybe he ate too much." San shrugged. At Hongjoong's heated glare, he pulled his head between his shoulders.
Empty Hongjoong stared ahead. When an idea popped into his head, he rushed right to the action. At the highest speed, his fingers tapped away on the keyboard. San sent him a shocked gaze, pretending the earth was quaking with the speed of his hammering fingers.
"Found something interesting?"
"A hunch. I feel like he withdraws more these days. I'm looking up how PTSD symptoms show in his daily behaviour."
As Hongjoong dug through the internet like a madman of a hacker only shown in movies, he felt triumphant for a mere minute. Then his fingers abruptly stilled.
San gave him a beat of just watching him like a Hawk.
"What did you find?"
"That PTSD dreams usually convey the reoccurrence of the same events that triggered the trauma. As well as the nine common events that cause them."
Seonghwa had dreamt of a bunch of them already. But there was one that was repeating in his dreams. One that put a deep frown on Hongjoong's forehead.
"Well, we assumed he saw some heavy stuff on the job, right? That's probably one of the top reasons."
"I think that would have shown differently. From how his dreams look, I actually doubt he has ever seen anything too horrendous in his police hours."
Surprised, San glanced at the pile of reports that Hongjoong pulled in. His quick fingers flicked through them, finding the ones he needed quickly.
The very first dream. The one he had titled Basement Terror. The Execution. After a moment of hesitation, he also pulled in all the ones with the snakes in them, Seonghwa's sworn enemies.
"He has some responsibility issues. He runs a lot, hides in dark places. He fears for his friends and team at work like any person in the police department would," Hongjoong muttered, mostly for himself. San still paid sharp attention to him.
"There's a... a lady. Who keeps popping up. Attacking him, torturing him, screaming at him-" Hongjoong's eyes brushed past the report about the hospital dream. He shuddered.
"Doing bad things to him."
"You think it might have been his ex? Who abused him?" San's lips had dropped open in disbelief as Hongjoong shifted through the reports, more and more agitated. The papers spread out around him as he pulled his list in and checked the symbols.
Snakes. The bringers of an unhealthy relationship to a person Seonghwa was close to and honoured. A person who might betray his trust. A person he consciously kept around despite his suspicions.
"No, something else..."
His search on what women figures meant came up with nothing fitting to the case.
Hongjoong stumbled over something else.
"Spiders. There are spiders everywhere."
San cocked his head. He had lost all interest in his document and instead tried to make sense of Hongjoong's jumbled thoughts with him.
"Webs? Meaning he's trapped in something he can't get out of?"
When Hongjoong's eyes scanned the page, the keyword jumped at him like a vicious cat.
"It means family issues. Last night, he dreamed of needles, too. Same meaning. Please don't let me be right..."
The PTSD cause for domestic abuse stared down at Hongjoong icily, making his skin crawl.
"So his mom? Or maybe a sister?"
"No, in his dreams, she's old, wears a white dress and has a cat, all that stuff. More the feel of a-"
Hongjoong's hands dropped from the keyboard. Once more, his mind was entirely blank.
A silence more uncomfortable than any Hongjoong had ever felt settled between the two men.
Seonghwa's execution. His distracted mind. Him not being able to sleep in actual life.
It all fit so morbidly well that Hongjoong felt nauseous. He had to bury his face in his hands and breathe deeply.
"So that's why he's getting worse... Is there anything we can do to help him?" Anger painted San's voice red. He had balled his hands into fists on the table.
Hongjoong scratched his nails over his skin as he pulled his fingers down his cheek. The burning trails conveyed his frustration, the helplessness. He was furious at himself.
"I doubt it. He took the task knowing how much damage it does to him. Oh, what an idiot." Once more, Hongjoong clawed at his poor face. "Or am I the idiot? For not seeing it soon enough?"
San quietly pushed his chair back to come around the table. When he wrapped an arm around Hongjoong's shoulder to give a comforting bear hug, Hongjoong sunk right into him.
"Hey, you're doing your best, alright? And he is, too. We can help him. Both as people as we are here, as well as in his dreams, got it? Let's be patient."
"This could take years, San. He's ripping open the wounds I'm trying to close." Exhausted, Hongjoong closed his eyes. San smelled of bananas and coffee.
"But this time, he also has you around who actually helps him. Give it time. He might heal all by himself. And you can ask him anytime and offer that understanding. That's all he needs."
Hongjoong stared at his phone, full of pain. His heart ached to stretch out his hand and ask Seonghwa how he was. Beg him to fall asleep so they could meet.
But he had to be patient. Tonight, Seonghwa would have more answers for him. And Hongjoong steeled himself against the pain they would bring.
Because by now, he had seen all the depths of Seonghwa's mind. And he had fallen enough for that man that any pain he felt resonated tenfold in Hongjoong's chest.