My fingers played with the short, dampened dark blonde strands of hair at the nape of Klaus's neck, heat from the fireplace beside us sinking into my skin, his cheek resting against my thigh. And for a moment, I got to bask in it all, though I knew I couldn't stay.
"I have to go." I told him, dazed as if I were waking up from a dream. It had almost felt like one.
Klaus lifted his head to look up at me, his eyes clouding dark. "I think that's up to me, love." He said, before pressing an open mouthed kiss to the inside of my thigh.
A gasp escaped me, blood idly passing through my femoral artery where he kissed, still kisses. I opened my mouth to speak, unsure of what I even wanted to say. "Klaus, I have - " My voice faltered, soft and breathless when he hitched my legs over his shoulders, yielding between my thighs.
The sensation became too much for me, triggering my fangs to come out, along with this intense feeling - something better than blood. I fell apart, gasping his name as he kept on, his hands moving to trace along my hips, my thighs, before his fingers intertwined with my own.
___________________________
Cool air nipped at my bare legs as I ran down a trail in the woods, music blasting through my earbuds loud enough to erase any and all background noise, giving me a momentary escape from reality. But, it didn't stop from reality catching up to me. My phone was constantly buzzing with texts and calls. Elena. Stefan. Even Caroline texted me once.
And I had let each and every text pile in my messages, let every call go to voicemail, because I didn't want to talk. It wasn't that I couldn't, wasn't necessarily about facing the guilt, and all of the people that I'd hurt.
It was their judgement. In that way, I think that I actually understood Damon. I knew that the girl that everyone wanted me to be was long gone, and she wasn't coming back, and I was so tired of everyone trying to morph me back into her. It wasn't going to happen, and that hurt me more than anyone else, but there was nothing I could do, felt like there was nothing that I could do.
Maybe I was just angry. Maybe my emotions were all misplaced and out of wack. I didn't exactly know, all I knew was that I mostly felt numb, hollow, like all of the best parts of me were missing, gone away with the people that I loved. But, I also didn't want to be around any of them. It was confusing.
There was a breeze that blew a few strands of my hair, carrying along a strong, hot and nauseating scent along with it. I slowed and stopped, tugging out my earbuds, and I knew who was behind me before I turned ; knew from the way my mouth watered at the scent of his blood.
"Stalking me now, Stef?" I asked, turning around and when I saw him I wanted nothing more than to plunge my fangs into his neck and drown in him.
"Had to," he replied, and my gaze fell to his lips, distracted as he spoke. Stefan took a step towards me, and I wanted to tear right into him, to feel him in my bones. "seeing as you won't answer anyone's calls."
I didn't know what had stirred up the hunger inside of me, never had felt it this bad before. I thought maybe it was from all of the feeding, the gorging on blood that had upset my stomach, and made it incredibly difficult to control my cravings, but it wasn't just human blood that I wanted. There was more.
Blood is sex, Damon had once told me. And sex is blood. Leave it to Damon Salvatore, I thought, to clue me in on vamp-sex-ed, far before I even turned.
Having sex only exacerbated my blood lust, made it difficult to control my cravings.
"Yeah well," I breathed out, lifting my gaze up to his. "I'm not exactly in the mood to talk to anybody right now.."
"Elena needs you." He simply told me, and that was supposed to be it, right? Elena needed me, and I had to just drop everything for her - I mean, that was the right, sisterly thing to do, but I almost didn't care.
I wanted to be alone. I guessed that made me a crappy sister, adding to the only growing list of other reasons why she deserved a better one. Sleeping with the man that killed both her and I, and aunt Jenna - purposefully or not - was at the top of that list.
I could only imagine her reaction, and everyone else's if they ever learned that I'd had sex with Klaus. It would be bad, I knew, and that made me want to hide away, keep it a secret between the two of us, but I also didn't really care anymore.
I made the choice to have sex with him, and I knew he'd had his fair share of indiscretions, to say the least, but I'd made the choice to accept them.
And I didn't know what that meant. I knew that I still cared about Klaus, that last night felt like something that was meant to happen, something that was brewing for months - I didn't regret it, I just didn't know how I felt anymore.
The sire bond was broken, and things felt different. I needed time to sort everything out, time away from Klaus, definitely time away from Stefan and Damon, and everyone else.
"Then I guess it's a good thing she has you and Damon." I remarked, before turning to walk away, but he spoke up before I could leave.
"I need you."
I stopped in my tracks, thrown into deja vu, but this time the roles were reversed. I could remember when I'd done that, when I'd used Damon's feelings for me to get what I wanted, and then I couldn't understand how manipulative I was being. Now, being on the other side of things, I knew how much it hurt.
"Right," I said, turning back to face him, and I just - I felt so bitter, like there was this horribly sour taste in my mouth. "you say jump, and I ask how high, Stefan? Does that work on Elena too, or is she the one that's stringing you along, these days?"
"No one's stringing anyone along - " He went to deny, ready to talk his way out of things, but I wasn't going to listen to any of it.
"Really?" I interrupted, frustrated and I didn't want to be mean to him, I never did, but I couldn't bottle anything in anymore. "Look, I get it. You know that I've had feelings for you this entire time, and that I would do anything for you - "
He shook his head, as if he didn't want to go there, didn't want to face it all. But, we had to. I had to. "Lyssa..."
"And that's why you compelled me to forget that we almost kissed." I continued, nearing him and I wasn't afraid anymore, not of facing the truth. I'd spent so much time sneaking around, hiding, and lying that it was finally time to admit it all. "Because you knew how devastated I'd be to find out that it was nothing more than a blood high for you.."
"Don't." He cut me off. "Don't do that. Don't try to tell me how I felt - "
"Then you tell me." I demanded, looking up into his eyes, and it was like all of the blood lust was melting away, the more that I talked to him, the more that he somehow seemed to ground me, and throw me up to the stars all at once. "When you and I met, Stefan, it was like.." I shook my head, trying to find the right words to explain it all. "It was like everything in the world had somehow just fallen into place. For that moment, everything felt right."
I didn't know why I was saying what I was, why I was pushing it so much, why it mattered now, but I just wanted the truth.
His brows furrowed, lips pursing and it almost looked like he was saddened. "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Would it have made a difference?" I questioned, and I selfishly wanted him to say yes, to tell me that it wasn't just Elena this entire time, that he felt what I had felt too. But, he didn't say anything, and it hurt.
It didn't hurt because I'd expected him to be with me, because I'd expected him to just drop Elena and all that he'd shared with her. It hurt because deep down, I'd always thought that maybe there was a sliver of him that hadn't seen me just as a friend.
"Well," I breathed out, looking up at him. "it's a good thing I don't care anymore, Stef."
I didn't mean to sound bitter, didn't want to make him feel guilty for not feeling the same, didn't wanna manipulate him into anything. I'd gotten the truth from him, and that was all I'd wanted.
___________________________
Throughout the last few months - ever since I'd turned - I'd gotten to understand my feelings better. As a human, everything was so muddled, but when I turned, everything was becoming so heightened and clear, and so easy to make sense of. And after going without my humanity, and turning it back on, I got to understand myself better ; my feelings.
For the longest, I'd thought that I was in love with Damon - I had love for him - but I wasn't, really. After losing my parents, I was so afraid of being alone, so I settled for whoever seemed to have any interest in me, and claimed that I was in love. It wasn't Damon's fault. It was my own, and I felt guilty that I'd led him on, because I knew it was love for him. I guessed that was why it never really hurt when I found out Elena had feelings for him.
I hadn't talked to her much since I'd gotten my humanity back, after she'd invited me back into the house. I didn't know what to say, had my own opinions on everything, but I didn't feel like I had any right to tell her what I thought.
Hopefully she wouldn't bring anything up about Damon or Stefan, since I was meeting her at Alaric's apartment. Apparently sometime during my humanity-less break, they'd found out that Alaric was killing people. And not just anybody, but founding families.
It had something to do with the ring Isobel had given him, after dying too much, it brought out this alter ego that was murdering. And when it was over, he didn't remember a thing.
I'd heard that he'd killed Caroline's dad, while I was in Chicago with Klaus. And I hadn't even talked to her about it, about how she felt, what she must've been going through.
A heavy sigh escaped me as I trudged up the staircase in Alaric's apartment building. When I reached the top, and lifted my head, I found Stefan standing by the door.
I froze for a moment, part of me wanting to turn around and head off, but I also couldn't take my eyes off of him. I couldn't ever.
"Missed you at the house." He said. "Elena told me you'd be here."
"And where is my sister?" I asked, as I moved past him, to the door, pretending as if I hadn't just confessed my feelings for him only hours ago.
I felt heavy. After feeling so numb, there was this heavy feeling of drowning, of sinking, when I looked at Stefan.
"She's uhh - she's with Caroline, visiting Bonnie...and Abby." He explained, shifting his body to face mine as I pulled out the key to Ric's apartment from my back pocket.
I didn't say anything, instead I unlocked and opened the door, before letting myself inside. Upon entrance, I lifted my hand to the light switch, Stefan's fingers brushing along mine to do the same. And when he didn't pull away, I did.
"So, then why aren't you there, with her?" I quickly spoke up, trying to avoid whatever that was as I turned to face him, the lights flickering on.
"I just.." He shook his head, gaze wandering before resting back on me. "I can't be who she wants me to be, right now."
"So then don't be." I responded. "Be whoever it is that you need to be right now for yourself, Stefan."
I was tired of watching him tear himself apart over Elena, tired of watching him hide who he was, what he was capable of for Elena. The fact of it was that Stefan could be a ruthless killer, and Elena had chosen to love him. In my eyes, she could love him all the way or not at all.
That was a lesson that I had needed to learn for myself, too. I couldn't try to morph people into what I wanted them to be anymore.
"Besides," I quickly snapped, attempting to lighten the mood, to filter away the tension. "you're not the only person that can't keep up with what Elena wants."
I turned away from him, and when I looked out at Alaric's apartment, I almost felt dizzy. I hadn't been there in months, and I was instantly reminded of that day ; the day that I had died.
"You alright?" Stefan asked, moving to stand beside me, and his presence was always so warm and inviting to me, but now I just felt uncomfortable.
Because when we looked at one another, it was the first time that I thought I saw something more than friendship, staring back at me from Stefan's eyes.
I figured he probably just felt bad for hurting my feelings.
"Fine," I replied, and I should've stopped it right there, but a part of me missed talking to him. "I just haven't been here since my transition."
Stefan didn't respond, just looked at me and I felt awkward, nervous, like I hadn't ever shared anything with him before. Things were different.
I looked away, and I could still feel his gaze on me, before he finally spoke. "I'm sorry."
I knew he was. He was always so sorry, even when it wasn't his place to be. Sometimes it felt like he was taking on everyone else's burdens.
"It's not your fault I'm a vampire, Stefan." I told him. It wasn't anybody's fault. I just had to accept that some things were out everyone's control, that some things just happened.
"Have you uhh - have you spoken to Klaus?"
"No," I lied, shaking my head. I knew that I had told myself that I wouldn't lie about him, but I didn't want to listen to everyone's opinions. And I surely didn't want to see the look on Stefan's face when he found out that I'd slept with Klaus. "not since I turned it back on."
He nodded. "It's probably for the best.."
"I know he's bad news, Stefan." I admitted. "But, I'm not exactly innocent, either. None of us are."
Klaus had hurt, and killed the people that we had all loved - whether her meant to or not - but I, along with the people that I loved had too, hurt and killed someone else's loved ones. No matter how many victims, or how cruel, we were all guilty, and we were all monsters.
___________________________
Stefan and I were looking through one of the drawers in Alaric's apartment, shuffling through papers and boxes. All we had really found so far were papers from students that needed grading. Nothing murder-ish. I sighed, and placed a stack of folders aside, glancing over at Stefan who was going through a box.
"So," I spoke up. "Samantha Gilbert was the first to be affected by the ring?"
"Seems so." Stefan nonchalantly responded, leafing through papers.
Samantha Gilbert was one of my ancestors, and had been put in an institution centuries ago for similar things that were happening to Ric.
"How many people did she kill?"
"Don't know."
I let out a sigh. He didn't want to talk to me, again. One second he did, and the next he barely said a word, and I could easily tell it had something to do with what I'd said that morning.
"Are you gonna actually talk to me or..?"
"You wanna talk?" Stefan finally looked up, as I crossed my arms over my chest. "Let's talk. Do you have feelings for Klaus?" He blatantly asked, stepping towards me and I could tell by the look in his eyes, and the tone of his voice - calm, stern - he was angry.
"What - why are you acting like this?" I blurted out.
"Everything is his fault, Lyssa. Can't you see that?" He snapped, before letting out a heavy sigh. "I just - I don't want you to get hurt."
Well I was hurt. Part of it was because of him and Stefan knew that. He needed to stop trying to save me because it was too late. He wasn't there when it had mattered, and I sure as hell didn't need him now.
"It's a little too late for that, Stef." I coldly replied, before turning on my heel to walk out, and away from him.
He was the last person I'd ever expect to be so cold to me, but he just kept at it. Ever since this summer, he was acting like an entirely different person.
But, he caught my forearm before I could take a step forward, pulling me back. "You're mad at me because of what happened earlier."
"No, Stefan I'm mad at me, because I actually thought that you felt something too." I quickly said, and I regretted it the instance those words slipped off my tongue.
What was I doing? I didn't want to try and get between my sister and Stefan. I never imagined that I would ever do something like that to her, to Stefan.
And then there was Klaus.
I stared up at Stefan, unable to break my gaze from his. As selfish, and as wrong as I knew I was being, I just couldn't shake the way that I felt when he touched me, the way that he seemed to light up every dark part of me, shining through me like the warm sun.
There was an intensity in his eyes that I'd never seen before, something different. He'd never looked at me this way.
Suddenly, my phone began to ring from my back pocket. Stefan let go, clearing his throat as he awkwardly backed up a bit. I licked my lips, looking away from him as I pulled out my phone to find that Elena was calling me, as if on cue. I was thankful.
"Elena?" I answered, lifting the phone to my ear.
"Lyssa," She said, panic and urgency noticeable in her voice. "you need to get to the house."
___________________________
Stefan and I got back to my house, getting out of his car and heading through the yard to the back door. Elena had told me that Alaric had apparently attacked Meredith Fell, a doctor that apparently was now a family friend of ours. I really seemed to fall out of the loop, thanks to being a stone cold bitch.
I wondered if there was anything that we could do for Alaric, to make him better, again. I wondered if he was just inevitably stuck like this, until something killed him.
As we got to the back door, my phone vibrated with a new text. I lifted it in my hand, wiping away the little droplets of rain that had sprinkled onto it. Again, it was Elena.
Damon took Ric to the boarding house. I'm driving Meredith home.
"I guess our services are no longer of use," I spoke up, wiping the little droplets of flashing my phone at Stefan, who glanced at it.
"I should uhh - I should go find Damon, then." He said, and when we looked at each other, it was like there was so much more that he wanted to say to me. But he settled with, "goodnight" and it only made me long for him to stay.
"Goodnight, Stefan." I said, and as I watched him walk away, my heart beat began to race, like I knew, deep down, that he would come back for me.
Nonetheless, I turned around and began to fidget with my keys, unlocking the door. Just as I placed my fingers to the cold doorknob, I could sense him behind me, and I turned.
"I just.." Stefan stepped towards me, his eyes flickering from my lips up to my eyes. He didn't have to say anything, like I already knew what was coming, like something was screaming inside of me that this was supposed to happen all along ; That it was fate. "wanna try one thing.."
He looked from my eyes to my hair, gingerly pushing it from my face, and I felt beautifully dizzy, like when you're in that place between dreaming and waking.
My lips parted, eyes gently shutting as Stefan slowly leaned in, brushing his nose against mine. I caught my breath in my throat, touching my lips to his, before he closed the space between us and kissed me.
It felt like a fairytale. Heavenly. Euphoric. Beyond Perfect. It was everything that I'd ever wanted, and nothing I felt like I had truly deserved. But, I kissed him anyway, let myself have him for as long as I could.
Stefan's hands wove through my hair, and my own two moved to his shoulders, tugging at his jacket as he kissed me deeper, pushing his tongue past my lips.
I'd never really been one to believe in fate, or destiny. I always thought that our actions were what set things in motion, and that we could change our futures at any time. Nothing was set in stone. But, when Stefan kissed me, and the thunder cracked above us, a heavy downpour falling from the dark, night sky, it all felt like destiny to me.
A/N - hey guys it's been months lmao I'm sorry. I'm gonna try to update once a week from now on, I just have so much shit to do for school - but I'm seriously gonna try. Anyway, I was reading comments from the last chapter, and a lot of ppl - naturally - were like wtf lyssa u dumb bitch what's wrong with u Klaus left u for dead like a few hours ago, and now ur gonna sleep with him? Yes, I'm aware it looks messed up, and that's how I wanted it to be bc they are messed up themselves.
I didn't want them to be conventionally romantic. I wanted them to be true to their characters, and they're both kinda crazy, toxic and problematic. Klaus obvi has a short temper he's always biting everyone when he's pissed, and granted Lyssa didn't really do anything to warrant that, but I think bc they have very strong feelings for one another, little things hurt more than they would from strangers.
I wanted that chapter to kind of be the end of their toxicity and to bury the past, and honestly it's been long over due that they sleep together.
But, boiii did Stefan put a rather large kink in Klaus's pants - I MEAN PLANS. Klaus is gonna be so pissssssed when he finds out they kissed (cause obvi he will find out). Idk if I'm gonna expose Lyssa and Klaus having sex yet to the other characters, probably not yet. Alsooo, I think the "love triangle" of this story is pretty obvious now, and Lyssa is going to MAKE A DAMN CHOICE FINALLY, probably by chapter 20 I think, sometime before Klaus gets his ass killed in season 3.
I dunno what else to say, thanks for reading. Sorry I suck at updating, and sorry if I have like a shit ton of typos in this chapter I rewrote it like 30 times.