[UNEDITED]
*MAY CONTAIN POSSIBLE TRIGGERS! PROCEED W CAUTION*
YUNJINS POV.
My life hasn't been an easy one.
I had been born with a silver spoon in my mouth -- My parents were successful in their business and I was taken care of by my nanny and butlers. My early childhood memories were slightly hazy, but I could tell that that time was the time I was truly innocent and happy.
Growing up, I was surrounded by many friends. They took care of me, played with me despite being of different backgrounds; they kept me humble and down to earth. But due to the strictness of my parents, I wasn't allowed to hang out with that friend group anymore. That devastated me, and I slowly found myself being close off.
They said that it was for my own good. They said that it was because of their love for me.
Love, is something I will never understand.
My parents always told me that they loved me, but do they really? Or were they just using me, educating me such that I'll grow up to take over their million dollar business? Thoughts like this never crossed my head when I was young; I was carefree and It didn't matter whether I understood anything, because my career path was decided from the very start.
And soon enough, I entered middle school where it all begins.
I was 13 when I first fell in love.
He was slightly taller than me by a few inches, his eyes sharp like a fox and his mouth often turned into a heart when he laughed. I fell in love at first sight -- I felt like it was fate, since he was extremely nice to me from what I remembered; he always walked me home everyday after school, bought me street snacks and played with me at the playground near to my house.
My parents were aware of it, however, they paid no mind to it since they knew it was just some puppy love that would end in a few weeks time. But of course, I was 13. I was young, naive and mostly dumb. I thought I would grow up and marry him, then live the life I wanted from there. Definitely, things can't always go the way you want.
I found out that the boy was only using me for money.
Suddenly, everything made sense. Him asking for money for him and his friends to go to the arcade after school, him always asking for me to treat him to lunches, him asking me to buy the latest models of smartphones or gaming devices; it all clicked to me the moment I became aware of it.
I was blinded by anger and I broke things off with him almost immediately. Heartbroken, I wanted him to feel the same amount of pain I felt when I realised the things he used me for. I started dating guys, heck, I even started to date girls. That was when I started realising my attraction to both genders, and even more genders.
I ended up dating more people than my own fingers could count, eventually numbed to the word we call 'Love', numbed to the love that people so often glorify. And slowly, I became numb to my own feelings, and to myself as a whole.
I thought I would be okay since I still had my family, and my protective parents who I loved. But things only started to go downhill from there. My parents' business was failing and we were slowly becoming bankrupt; we ended up having to sell our mansion and retract our contracts with the maids, butlers and nannies who had been there since childhood. I was upset, but this was all in the process of growing up.
I had no choice but to go with it.
When we were still loaded with money, I often performed infront of huge audiences in the most extravagant theatres you could ever imagine; I was coached by one of the most famous coaches in Korea. But now? the only audience I can perform infront are strangers on the street. I can't even afford one lesson with a coach. Performing used to be one of my favourite things to do, but slowly it became something I hated.
Being pitied on, only receiving at least 2000 won to 5000 won after each performance. Slowly, I started to lose my passion for performing. My love for performing.
Highschool days were rough -- I lived in a small apartment with my parents, and we barely had any family time together since my parents were both working. With no friends and nobody to talk to, I slowly became a prisoner to my own feelings, not being able to speak my mind out and my feelings in general.
I started working harder and harder and graduated from highschool with quite excellent marks. It was the first time in a few years that I had actually felt happy --- but my parents barely had any time to congratulate me. So I ended up sitting within my cramp room, drawing so that I won't feel as shitty.
Finally, we come to the present day.
With not much expectations, I managed to get into the fashion design course in X University. Once again, my parents couldn't care enough to celebrate for me, so it ended up being an unhappy occasion for me.
Despite what had happened in the past, I came to a decision to stop being gloomy and change completely. To make sure no one finds out about my past, to make sure that no one will ever treat me like how everybody treated me before. To make sure I never, ever fall in love ever again.
Starting anew, was of course, extremely hard. Acting like nothing traumatic happened isn't easy either -- I began to cover up my past with lies that sickened me, the words burning into my tongue each time I let it fall out of my mouth. I felt guilty, I felt regretful. Most of all, I was a liar, and I knew that it would get back at me one day.
I thought that if I was never born into this family, I would've probably been happier, and I wouldn't have to make up such stories to appeal to other people.
First day of university was nothing special; once again unable to socialise and make friends, I became an outcast in my very own class. Even speaking up was difficult to me, despite my determination to be more livelier.
It dragged out until the day I met you.
As I put on a fake facade each day to school, I began feeling more and more sick of myself -- walking through the corridors seems excruciating now, as I could feel the stares of my classmates burning into my skin. I try my best to ignore them, walking forward without looking up at all.
And I bump into someone.
Stumbling backwards, I fall onto my bottom. Today wasn't my day, and I was about to release all my frustration on this person.
But I just couldn't.
And I ended up breaking my very first rule: Not to fall in love.
As I laid my eyes on them, I could feel all parts of my body coming back to life again -- my eyes twinkled and my breath hitched. The butterflies that had rot in my stomach had fluttered for the first time in a while and my words got stuck at the bottom of my throat.
They're absolutely beautiful.
Their hair was messy, but that's what made them unqiue. The distinct curl of their eyelashes, the cupid's bow of their lips, the clothes that had wrapped perfectly around them; I just couldn't help but let my jaw drop in awe.
"I love you!" I let the 3 words slip out unknowingly, and for the first time in so long, I bash myself for being honest with my emotions. I bash myself for letting myself fall in love so easily. Heart pounding against my chest, although I knew what was going to happen in the end, I still fell.
They were kind, and I could tell. Their eyes held such a soft emotion, although surprised from my sudden remark, they still helped me up kindly, as well as replied to me and explained to me in the most nicest way possible.
I let a small speck of hope embrace my being, and although I'm hesitant, I welcome it in an open manner.
I hoped that, no matter how this love ends, it won't end with me being used, like how it used to be.
They showed no signs of treating me how previous friends or lovers treated me, and I could tell that deep down into their soul, they're one of the most non-judgemental, most benevolant people that has ever entered my life.
Their annoying boyfriend was another story though. A self-centered piece of shit. I can't stand him, and neither can he. A hatred bloomed at the root of jealousy, and I often curse him out for being in the way of [Y/N] and I.
At first, I was pretty upset that they were taken by a brat like him.
But as the time goes by, I notice that, couples aren't supposed to act that way. I put 2 and 2 together, and concluded that the two wasn't a true couple.
Of course, at first, I was only mainly fixated on [Y/N]. Making them mine. But when was it that I started focusing on him too? I slowly started diving my attention between the two, having the desire to make their boyfriend jealous, the desire to make him yearn for something.
I was twisted, not understanding my emotions. The more I tried to deny my feelings, the more prominent it would become. I tried to close myself to [Y/N], but the moment I see them, I can't help but to crave for their touch, to embrace them so tight and not let go.
And the more I tried not to initiate arguments with the dude, the more uncomfortable I felt. The two were somehow my coping mechanism, my escape from reality, my first friends in forever.
I wished that they would stay by my side, and they wouldn't leave like how everybody else did. I wished that they wouldn't neglect me like how my parents did. I wished that, we could've been normal friends, without any feelings inbetween. At some point, I even wished that we never met.
But on that day, when I saw the both of them walking away together, hand in hand, I couldn't help but laugh dryly despite the gnawing pain in my heart. And finally, I let my tears flow and my voice crack.
Because since the beginning, I never had a chance with either of them anyways.