I didn't sleep last night. I told Chase our brains are a bad thing but I don't believe they are something bad. Anymore.
All I kept thinking about last night was that damn kiss.
I didn't once think of the man who has poisoned my brain for two years. The man who caused me to become like this.
I don't know what I'm going to say to Chase when I see him.
We can't be together.
We won't work.
A knock on the door. Brings me out of thoughts. "I'll get it." Loren announces from her room.
I feel my heart start beating faster. I really hope it's not Chase.
"Hi, can I help you?" Loren asked the person at the door. Her asking the person that tells me that it's not Chase or any of the guys.
I hear voices but I can't make out what they are saying.
"Taylor some dude is in the living room for you!"
Some dude? I'm not expecting anyone.
I walk out of my room and towards the living room.
"Seth?"
"Taylor. I've missed you. I didn't get to speak to you last night before you left."
"I missed you more." I pull my baby brother into a hug.
"Hate to um ruin the sibling moment but Hayden is on the way over here. I thought I should tell you before you have to explain why we have a random dude in our dorm at 9am." Loren states
"Thanks. Seth meet me at the coffee shop on campus. I'll be there soon. Loren will you give him directions while I get ready?"
"Of course."
I go to my room and get ready to meet my brother. I've never got ready in ten minutes. There's a first time for everything.
I speed walk across campus to the coffee shop.
Once I arrive I take the seat across from him.
"So what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on the way back to Kentucky."
"I should but I'm worried about you."
"Seth there is nothing to worry about. I'm adjusting to college just fine."
"I know but it's coming up." I know what he's referring to. A day that haunts me.
"I'll be fine. So how's the Jersey Chaser?"
"I already told you. We broke up."
"Right, yeah. I remember."
"Taylor I'm really worried about you. Mom told me about the dreams you have. You won't tell your therapist. Why?"
"She can't know. She will want to file a lawsuit like mom and you wanted too."
"We should have." He admits
"No we shouldn't have. There's no evidence."
"There's no evidence? Seriously, Taylor? You tried to kill yourself because of what happened. If you would have walked in that court room and told the judge the pain you went through, that would have been evidence. Anyone who knew you before it happened and saw you after would have known something happened." I feel the tears start to fall out of my eyes.
"Dad didn't. Remember? I told him and he said I was acting out."
"Dad didn't mean it. You hated when any of us would hug you. We all thought you were just going through a stage."
That makes me roll my eyes.
"A stage where I was scared of men. You know I kissed someone last night and his lips weren't that bastards lips on my skin. I was really thinking I got him out of head and then here you come reminding me of the past."
"The past will leave. It's only a matter of time. Also I think you should let this guy in. Maybe he'll be your escape. Escape from everything rotten in life."
"I shouldn't have to escape." I choke out. "I shouldn't have to find a safe haven." I pause trying to calm myself. "You know he told me he wish he saw everything through my eyes. Why? Why would someone want to see things through my eyes?"
"Because your special. I know you don't think you are but come on Taylor don't be dumb. You have a kind heart and have been through some of the toughest shit life as had to offer. I wish I saw things through your eyes too. I wish that bastard was in prison."
"Thanks. I do too. I wish he was rotting away in a cell. Instead of roaming free. But like dad said we shouldn't bring attention to the Lawson name. Especially when the middle child acts out too much."
"Taylor, stop being like that. I love you. Dad does too. He's just not great at showing it."
"I know. I just wish he said it ya know?"
"Yeah I know. By the way if you ever thought of filing a lawsuit, you'd have my support. A hundred percent. I'd be there for you."
"Thanks but I'm not planning on it."
"Just talk to a lawyer. Please for me. See if he could even serve time."
"I'll talk to someone."
"Taylor I'm always going to be here for you." That means a lot. Being a Lawson I don't have a lot of support.
"I know."
"So don't shut me out."
"I won't. I promise."
"Why's Chase Jackson look like he wants to murder me?" He ask looking through the window.
"I don't know." I tell him.
Apparently he could read the expression on my face because he starts talking "Go see what's wrong with him? I need to get back to my hotel anyways."
"Okay, love you."
"Love you."
I walk out of the coffee shop and towards the way I saw Chase walking.
"Chase? What's wrong?"
"What's wrong? Are you seriously asking me that? You kissed me last night and then I see you on a date with a dude. Are you playing me? I really like you Taylor and I know we're nothing but can you seriously not like wait a week. Here I've been thinking about you all morning and your with another guy."
He just admitted he has feelings for me. He thinks I was on a date with my brother. Eww. Time to have a little fun with this.
"Are you jealous?" I ask in a teasingly way.
"Yes! Of course I am. I'm been thinking about you all day. But that's not the point. The point is I can't be with you if you're going to be a hoe."
"He's my brother! Okay? Chill out."
"Really y'all look nothing alike."
"I know he looks like my dad."
"I look like my dad too. You though look like you've been crying. What's wrong?"
"If I tell you if would change your perspective of me."
"I just want you to let me. Don't push me away."
"I'll let you in soon. I promise. I just can't let you in right now. I have to call someone. I have to make a really important phone call. Your mom is a lawyer right?"
"Yeah. She is. Why?"
"I'm asking for a friend." I try to sound convincing.
"Well tell your friend if you've murdered someone she won't defend you."
"I'll let her know. I gotta go though."
We say bye and walk in the opposite direction.
Me: Can I get Mrs. Jackson's number? My friend and roommate Loren needs a lawyer and doesn't have her number."
I asked my mom for her number. If I asked Chase he would pry to much.
______
6/2/21
4:19pm