"Why push me so close to the edge only to reign me back?"
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KAYDEN
I DON'T know how to she managed to do it but she did.
She managed to ruin a perfectly good dinner with unnecessary comments. All that did was prove to me that she would rather talk about me with literally anyone and everyone other than me - the person she actually had a problem with. Her very own son.
Gloria. My mother.
She managed to mess up Friday's dinner before Thomas, Marie, and Richard had to salvage what was left of the atmosphere to start up a conversation. She was so humiliating sometimes.
The silence was bleeding, staining the faces of everyone on the table in its blood.
But, being with Carino helped me forget it all. Forget all about my sad, disappointing life to just live in the peace of the moment.
What peace did I know before? Drunken bliss?
Being with Layla was so easy. She was so easy in the fact that I didn't need to pretend with her. I didn't need to live up to impractical expectations or anything. It was easy because I could truly be myself.
She didn't expect anything from me.
Even if I tried to pretend - pretend to be alright - she would see right through it. See right through my smile and right into the cracks in my heart. It scared, yet, excited the fuck out of me.
With Layla it was real; it was never pretend.
I looked down at her, watching her as she stared up at the night sky.
No matter what happened, or who happened, this is where we ended up. Here, staring up at the comforting night sky underneath a blanket of twinkling stars.
She loved this. I was sure she was going crazy for the stars, loving how unnaturally dark it had become with the sky being pitch-black only illuminated by the stars dotted in oblivion.
It was a matter of time before she started naming every constellation she could see or started telling me about another Coraline conspiracy theory.
I thought it was cute.
"Kayden," she muttered, her head still resting on my shoulder giving me peace and comfort that I couldn't find anywhere else besides with her.
"Hm?" I hummed.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
My heart freezes in my chest and my mind wanders back to Friday night.
That scene she pulled at Friday's dinner was an obvious stunt. She knew what she was doing and it made it harder for me to feel sympathy for her. She wanted to put on that caring mother act to mask up for the years of neglect and pressure.
My mother hadn't talked to me after we got home which was unusual for her. Usually, she would love chatting up a storm about how I was failing to live up to what expectations she had for me. It would be that or just complaints in general about where I was, what I was doing, or who I was doing. Absurd.
She had just dismissed herself for bed, leaving me in the curse of my own company. But I didn't want that because I could feel her sadness radiate from past her bedroom doors and I didn't want to see her brooding in the darkness, consumed by her own negative thoughts. She sometimes had that in common.
Sometimes I didn't know what she was trying to do or prove, but with my mother, it was never as easy as it seemed. She was one of the most accomplished women where we used to live; maybe her expectations for herself were eating her up.
Friday night was just a show of her false humiliation. Her's and mine.
She wanted to show a bunch of average, nice people how stressed she was? Pointless. She was trying to make this town see her as a perfect mother, living in a perfect country-style house in a small town with a son who was this walking and talking disappointment.
In reality, I knew she couldn't stand her sundress and was itching to throw on a formal grown and sip on some fine wine. I knew she was just waiting for my father to call her back, telling her that he had cleaned up after me and that she was welcome to come back. She wanted him to tell her that he was waiting for her back home whenever she wanted to come back.
She wanted to be perceived as perfect because our lives were anything but.
How could we be when my father was in that line of work and she was doing assignments that was beyond me?
How could we when I didn't want anything to do with them and that city life that had robbed me of my peace of mind? It was exhausting. I didn't know how tired I was of it until I came here. How long was I on the highway?
Saturday morning she woke up late, and my mother never wakes up late. She spent the whole day locked away in her office with her work. That's how she escaped her life, drowning herself in paperwork and dozens of emails upon emails. That's how she escaped me.
She was mad at me and she was mad at herself for letting her be vulnerable.
I knew Thomas, Marie, and Richard didn't mind what she said. They probably didn't even think much of it, just letting it go with the thought of her being stressed by the move. She was though...stressed by the move.
But nobody would be able to understand my mother better than me.
Maybe it was just a show but I would never know what it was with her.
"It's not even about me anymore," I sighed wanting to live this peaceful night forever, never wanting to go. Not wanting to go back to a sad house with my equally sad mother. She was only unhappy because of me and that made it a thousand times harder to stay in the house.
"I can relate. I mean it's not even about me anymore either," she says, surprising me with how soft her voice is.
She wasn't talking about what I was saying. I knew it was about the exact same reason that girl couldn't be friends with her, the reason those boys were harassing her, the same reason why she had been homeschooled for so long.
"We aren't even the problem," I conclude, feeling the weight of my words as they escape me. I wanted to take it back because it was a lie. I was the problem. I was once the problem. I would be lying if I said I wasn't.
"Now I wonder, what is the real problem?"
"Expectations," I answer. "Expectations, responsibility, reputation and the lack of trust."
She wouldn't ever realize the extent of my words. The expectations, responsibilities and reputation that I had to live up to and uphold were beyond it all.
It's silent for a moment before Layla lifts her head off my shoulder. The wind picks up, causing goosebumps to form on my arms, rejuvenating my spirits. I never felt more alive than I had right now. Just then, the wax candles decide to give out on themselves, casting the darkness upon us.
I can't even see her but I know her eyes are on me. I can sense her gaze.
I feel her small hands come down around my elbows, feeling me as she moves her hands up. She trails across my elbows, arms, forearms, and biceps...until her hands softly touch the sensitive skin of my neck, catching me by surprise as her hands meet each other behind my neck.
Everything is dark. Her eyes, her touch, her breath.
What was she doing?
"Carino..." I mutter. I couldn't even stop myself from rolling my eyes back, relishing in the feeling of having her sweet scent around me and her soft touch sending sparks around my neck. It made it worse because I was sure she didn't even know what she was doing.
She was innocent like that.
And then her arms wrap around me, pulling me close into a hug.
I don't hesitate to wrap my hands around her and she surprises me when I feel her in front of me on the picnic blanket.
She didn't even know what she was doing.
"If anybody understands what you feel like, it's me. I've been blamed for something I had nothing to do with my whole life. My life had always been a series of impossible expectations, responsibilities, and a tarnished reputation that was created for me even before I was born. Nobody even trusted me. I grew up alone for the last 5 years..." She exhales as she pulls away, her arms still hanging around my neck, drawing slow patterns with her thumb unconsciously.
"If you even want to talk about it, I'm here for you as your friend, I won't leave you," she says to me, making my heart melt.
She was such a sweetheart; I sometimes didn't even know how to react.
But I know I don't have to, so I don't. I let her words swirl around me, taking me in a warm embrace.
"Kayden," She then says, pulling away from me. I could barely see her because of how dark it was and I was thinking to suggest lighting up the lamps.
"We should light up the candles and put them in the lamps," Carino said reading my mind. I smile at her even though I know she can't see. She makes a move to stand up, but I beat her to it, offering my hand.
"After you, Milady," I joke as I feel her hand slide into mine, patting down to make sure it was there in the darkness.
"You are really enjoying this aren't you?" she deadpans making me smirk.
"Obviously," I smiled before feeling her walk away from me. "C'mon, I'll help you light them up."
"I'm rolling my eyes right now, just saying," she sings as she walks away from me and towards the tree where she always kept the bag of wax candles.
"Okay, you take the left side and I'll take the right," she suggests, shuffling with the plastic bag and I comply. It was impossibly dark and that's when I realized that I could just use the flashlight from my phone.
"Hold up, I got my phone flashlight," I say as I fetch out my phone from my back pocket, turning on the flashlight accidentally almost blinding Layla.
"Oh my gosh, Kayden!" She shrieked for a second before closing her eyes, groaning and slapping my shin which was the closest thing to her. I quickly directed the flashlight on top of her head so it wasn't blinding her. I couldn't stop myself from laughing making her growl.
"Oh my god, you idiot! Stop laughing!" She whines slapping my shin harder almost causing my left leg to give out.
That causes me to laugh louder.
"Your puny little arms can't do any damage," I chuckled as I looked down at her illuminated face making her glare at me.
"Say my arms are puny one more time and I will break your shin."
"Whoa, someone is in a violent mood today," I joked. I loved that she was being like this. I loved when she was in a playful mood. I just loved when she talked to me.
Sometimes she made me question what I really wanted. A friend or something more. But that never matters, because at the end of the day it's what she wants that I care about.
"Wh-" She starts to say as she brings out the candles before getting interrupted by my phone ringing causing both of us to jump, startled. Silence coated us and we stood quietly listening to my ringtone echo around us.
"Who?" she says softly and I look down to see my mother's contact name. I swallow, to keep my heart from plummeting.
She was without a doubt pissed. When was she not?
I look at Layla with a weary, half-smile.
Her big brown eyes stared up at me in confusion as she was still crouched down on the grass. Her long dark brown hair framed her angelic-looking face, the wind blowing her hair back softly. Sadness flashes in her eyes as she realizes who it is.
Layla had gotten a glimpse of what my mother was like but that was nothing compared to how she was with me.
Protective, impossible, demanding, disappointed, and sad.
Most of all, sad and disappointed.
How had I managed to fuck up so bad?
I still didn't blame her, so I took whatever jabs she wanted to give me because I accidentally ruined it for her. I ruined it for them.
So we came running over here, to hide from my mistakes.
"I don't feel like picking up," I mumble as I stare at the contact name, flashing across my screen. The annoying ringtone still echoes around us, disturbing our peace. I sigh.
"Got to go now, Carino," I manage to say. I didn't have the energy to say anything but I forced myself to because she deserved it.
This was just a false reality. I was afraid that one day I would wake up and my mother would be telling us it was time to go back. One day I would have to go back to the city. It was a matter of time before I had to step up and take responsibility for my role as their son. It was just a matter of time.
I take a step back and she stands up to her full height, one lit wax candle in her hands as she stares back at me. Her light pink sundress was making it hard for me to look away; she looked like an angel.
Fuck.
She was all this and what was I?
I didn't even know what I was.
But I was trying to be better.
Better for myself so that one day I could be better for everyone.
Maybe wake up from this dream, idiot.
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I eyed the two-story building, solemnly. I knew today my mother was going to snap, finally, say anything she had been bottling up since Friday night.
I didn't want to be there for her eruption.
But, that's what has been happening since my father or Vera weren't there to be the victim of her anger and sadness.
I had to take the blow.
I trudged my way up the porch, exhaling before twisting the bronze-colored doorknob.
The first thing as always, I notice the strong scent of flowers and I almost instantly sneeze.
She knew I knew I was sensitive to strong scents but obviously, hiding the smell of fresh furniture was more important.
Can't have anyone know all this shit is new.
Can't have anyone know Gloria moved away from the city with trucks of old furniture. No, we just had to buy everything new.
I sigh and just as I crouch down to remove my shoes and dump them in the closet before my mother strolls in and freaks out, she does just that.
"It's almost 1 am," She states and my eyes snap up to hers. She was standing in her maroon-coloured satin nightgown with an expression of displeasure on her face. Her arms were crossed over her chest as she raises a perfectly arched brow when I don't say anything. I roll my eyes and continue to take off my shoes. "Kayden, I thought you promised that you would stop coming back late. This isn't like the city, we don't have eyes and ears everywhere. This a crooked, small town. This is not the safest of places."
"Yep, as if the city wasn't like crime central. This is probably the safest of places. The only problem here with the douchebags that go to the high school," I snort as I make my way past her. Suddenly she reaches out and grabs my arm, daring me to walk away without finishing this conversation.
"No more fighting. No more anything. No more anything that puts a big X on our backs. You know your father has enemies. Especially when news gets out about what you did, it will be a major setback. We can't have people put two and two together. He will not like that," My mother seethes as I turn around to see her anger-blazed eyes. There was no warmth, love, or affection in her eyes. I don't even remember the last time there was. It was always like this; shooting salt into an open wound, expecting me not to flinch.
"I know."
I pull my arm away from her grasp but don't make a move to go up the stairs. I wasn't an idiot. I had to obey, especially since I wasn't given my position of power yet.
"Good, now act like a responsible man, not like some lousy 18-year-old that we would find acting recklessly in an alleyway."
"Why? That's exactly who I was," I questioned, pinning her down with my own anger and hurt. She was acting as if I was some burden as if I actually wasn't just 18.
"You will not question me," she rebuttals, her eyes flaring as if just questioning her was an act of disobedience. "You will not do anything that does not benefit our family. Punching other kids does not benefit our family, so no more of that."
I don't say anything as I look down at her feet wishing the carpet would magically give out underneath her as selfish and wrong as that sounds.
After a second of silence, she walks over to the living room and I lift my head to watch her retreating figure, I am about to release a breath of relief until I see her coming back with a familiar-looking book in her hands.
Fuck.
I thought I had hidden that-
"This," She says as she holds up the astronomy book: 100 Things to See in the Night Sky by Dean Regas.
My breath gets lodged in my throat. I look up at her and see her standing confidently. holding the book with no care in her touch.
"What is this Kayden?" She repeats, her voice low and menacing. I wasn't going to back down. I had hidden it underneath my mattress, hoping she wouldn't find it. It just proves that she was snooping around in my room and that she indeed didn't trust me. Fuck.
"Where did you get that?" I glared at her as I pressed her on the topic. She quirks a brow at the venom in my tone and a small smirk forms on her lips when some realization hits her.
"Your room."
"So you were snooping around in my room," I scoffed.
"Why wouldn't I? This is my house, is it not?" she asks innocently but I could see the anger and amusement in her eyes.
"Why were you snooping in my room?" I said lowly, taking a step in her direction. I just needed to get my hands on the book. Get it out of her hands and put it somewhere it would be safe.
"To make sure you didn't have drugs or a gun or something in your room-"
She could barely finish her sentence before I snapped.
"Why the fuck would I have drugs or a fucking weapon in my bedroom? I've been sober and I never even held a fucking gun before. Where was I supposed to get one from?"
"I don't know, Kayden. It's the same reason because I never expected my son to steal a car," she snaps, her eyes full of fury and disappointment.
"For the last time," I seethed, my voice barely above an octave. I needed to make sure I was getting my words through her thick skull. "I did not steal the fucking car."
"Sure, Kayden," she chuckles darkly. "Then why were you sitting in a stolen car with your friends? Why is it that that's how the OPP found you?"
"How the fuck was I suppose to know Jace hijacked the car? I didn't know shit! I would have never gotten in that car and I would have told you because I know you think I'm stupid but I would have never. I regret meeting all of them and I don't miss anyone," I yelled, frustrated by the situation and the longer I stared at the book in my mother's arms the more I was losing it.
"I'm here with you, hundreds of miles away from them? Why can't you just trust me?"
She didn't trust me. I can see it in her eyes.
She could have shot me and that would have hurt less.
Because eventually the pain would have stopped but now I have to live my whole life knowing the woman that gave birth to me and raised me didn't trust me.
"I've told you so many times, ma," I say softly suddenly having no energy to fight with her. I was tired. It had been a long day.
"I heard you, Kayden, but that still doesn't explain why you have a book about space in your room."
That was the biggest concern she had?
"It's a book! It's just a goddamn book," I raised my voice wanting her to let it go and leave me alone.
She gives me an unimpressed look before she takes a step in my direction.
"If it's just a book, then why do you look like you'd kill me for it?" she says tilting her head to the right as she looks at me as if trying to analyze me and search for weakness.
She was worse than my father in this way. She would press me to talk until she got what she wanted. Gloria never gives up.
"I'm not doing anything."
"You were never a reader, Kayden."
"So now you suddenly know me?" I chuckled dryly without amusement as I tried to look anywhere but at her.
I didn't want her to know why I bought that book. Giving my mother any sort of leverage or clue about my weaknesses was disastrous. The only reason she had approved of me being friends with Jace, Olive, Aleyuh, Eden, and Elias was only because she knew deep down inside I didn't give a fuck about any of them.
I even knew that.
When my eyes meet hers again I see the sadness crack through them no longer being masked by her anger.
"Of course I do, I'm your mother," She says softly as she takes a step in my direction to put a hand on my cheek. Instantly I pull away from her touch. As familiar and soothing as it was, it felt wrong because I knew I was nothing more than a puzzle piece to her.
The only way she and my father could remain on top was if I joined the cause.
She just needed me to grow into the responsibilities and live up to the expectations.
I didn't like what they did but that didn't stop them and I knew one day I would have to cave in.
I just didn't want that day to come soon - or ever for that matter.
"Save me the bullshit," I rolled my eyes. "Just give me the book back, I need to give it back to the library," I lied. I didn't borrow it or anything. I bought it and I used cash just to make sure she couldn't track down my purchase.
"Don't lie to me. Why did you buy this book? You've never shown interest in astronomy."
"Oh well, people can change," I say and she rolls her eyes. Oh, so she didn't believe that?
"I will not ask you again. Why did you buy this book?" She pins me down with her eyes. I don't say anything and she pulls back with amusement on her face and I grow nervous.
"It's Thomas's granddaughter?" She smirks. "Kayden, you really fell for a small-town girl? And her of all people?" she says as she throws her head back chuckling. I glare at her.
"What the hell does that even mean? and I don't know why you're exaggerating because we are just friends. You wouldn't understand that because you have none," I spat and she raised her brows, the amusement still lying in her eyes.
"Hm," she hums as she gives me a small smile. "It's ironic, honestly."
I look at her with confusion swirling in my eyes. She sees my uncertainty and she gives me a knowing smile.
"You're despicable, Kayden. You told us you were not ready for love when we brought up Everly Mortez and now suddenly you're fraternizing with that girl?" she shakes her head. I stiffen when she brings up Everly and I fight the urge to roll my eyes. "...Even after you know what that family is known for."
She deeply inhales before looking down at the book in her hands.
"100 Things to See in the Night Sky," she reads the title with amusement and her eyes flit up to mine. "...by Dean Regas. Interesting."
My blood boils when I see her trailing around the book. She was about to open it when I blurted.
"Just give me back the book and I promise to stop staying out too late."
"Give me more," she demands and I exhaled shakily with my eyes still glued to the book in her hands.
The things I do...
"I'll do whatever you say" I sighed. "One thing."
It was a matter of time before I gave in.
I look up and see her pleased expression and satisfied smile.
"Good," She smiles as she hands me back my book. I quickly snatch it from her hands and I give her the most disappointed look I could muster.
I hold the book tight in my hands, feeling the lamented hardcover underneath my fingertips. I released a sigh of relief.
Slightly disappointed by how she behaved with me I searched her for a reaction to my sadness. When I search her face, I don't see anything except the amusement in her eyes as she watches me walk away from her and up the stairs.
I was just halfway up when her voice broke through the intolerable silence, pinning me to the stairs and rendering me speechless. I turn around to see her smirk.
"Well then start packing. Your dad called; he wants us back tonight."
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lowkey a depressing chapter but it was very much needed. I wanted to show what type of pressure Kayden is constantly under and how he manages to smile for Layla. Even though he has so much going on, with her, he always prioritizes her and her feelings. I also wanted to show that he also needs to prioritize himself as well.
I also wanted to show the relationship between Kayden and his mother.
heheheh i hope you guys still enjoyed the chapter and let me know what you guys think.