"I want to take you somewhere."
I rubbed my eyes, the sleep still pressing against them. He was perched on my bed, his back slightly towards me.
After he kissed me last night we kissed some more, and more. Until we found ourselves in my room on my bed. Nothing happened further which was funny because at that moment I loved it. I felt like a teenager again, kissing and cuddling and laughing until we fell asleep in each other's arms.
"Where?" I yawned, brushing back my bed hair. I glanced at the window. It was still really early, the sun only now breaking off the horizon. A few brown strands fell in front of my face as I sat up.
"Just get ready, we'll leave in ten minutes," He turned towards me, pure gentleness greeting me. An Aspen I never met before. An Aspen that I was slightly afraid of losing too quickly. Because the inevitable always prevails. How could someone have so many different personas was shocking. But he played each one to the character's full potential.
I nodded, and he left me in privacy with my drowning thoughts.
We decided to take my car after having to convince my dad to let me go in the first place. We still weren't on good terms but I think Aspen being with me made him feel less worried which was ironic. If only he woke up early enough to see him sneaking out of my room at six in the morning. That I was glad I didn't have to see.
For the entire car ride, I drilled him on where we were going. He didn't let a hint escape his lips as much as I nagged. So instead I tried to find out anything about his life. Who was Aspen Lake and why was he such a damn closed book? He of course gave me the bare minimum. He finished up to high school and barely the first year of university before he dropped out.
He was planning to finish a degree in Filmmaking and I couldn't help but tease if he was going to be the next best thing for porn. With that, I got a flip of the middle finger in response and an 'I would offer you a lead role with that tight body of yours' which had me flush with embarrassment.
"So tell me about Nevada," I probed, watching the sunlight stream through the trees as we disappeared further from the city.
"Nothing special really. Much more to do there though. If you ever make it there though you have to go to Las Vegas, the nightlife is exceptional. But I know that's not your vibe."
"What about your parents Do you live alone?" I pressed even further, hoping I wasn't crossing boundaries. I knew from the little association with Meredith that she had a strained relationship with her parents and moved out as soon as she was a legal adult. I couldn't help but wonder if it was the same for him.
"Wouldn't you like to know, maybe one day when you visit if you ever do you could come to find out yourself." He took his eyes off the road for one second to wink at me, "tell me about med school."
It was obvious that he was steering the conversation to a different route but I let it slide. "It's hard, if anyone you ever meet says it's easy they're lying. I've had so many breakdowns I'm not sure I'm even whole. Definitely not the person I used to be before I started. Each passing year, I feel like a piece of me hardens and I'm kinda scared I lose myself completely if I'm telling you the truth."
"So why are you doing it then?"
I pondered it for a moment, really thinking about it, "I'm not even sure anymore. I think it's partly because of my dad and partly because I've reached so far. Might as well just stick it out, y'know?"
"If you could choose to do something else, what would it be?"
"Definitely writing," I said in a heartbeat, "it's what makes me happy. I just wish I had more time to do it."
"It's not too late to follow your dreams, Wyn."
We talked about other things as best as we could, knowing that we were both walking on eggshells. We both had things to hide and as much as I wanted to find out everything there was to know about him I held back. Before I knew it we were pulling off the main road onto a windy track, the car groaning in protest. Aspen put the car into park and a wide smile spread across my face as I surveyed the surroundings.
"How did you know?" I squealed, excited to see the surrounding orange hues.
"Meredith told me you love it every year. She also told me Halloween is your favorite time of the year and I know it's coming up soon so thought I'd start it off right." Meredith was so nosy but for once I couldn't be more thankful for the woman coming into my life.
We got out of the car and I hurriedly walked towards the entrance of the park. Pumpkins were splattered across the field. Different shapes and sizes. An attendant approached us, wearing a full orange uniform.
"Here to carve some pumpkins folks?" He asked, in an overly cheery voice, "Y'all could go ahead and pick whichever one each, tell me and then come across to the main building so that you could carve them. I'll bring them for you.
We thanked him and started walking around. "How about that one?" He pointed to a very large round one.
"That's a good one for you, take it, " I said leaving him to tell the attendant. I continued to survey the area, avoiding tripping over some in my path. There were two other families in the field all laughing as they figured out who could pick the best one.
Aspen joined me back, wrapping his arm loosely around my shoulder. His proximity always sent my body into a frenzy and that day wasn't an exception.
"How about this one?" He asked pointing to a funny-looking one. it was lopsided and had a bruise on the top of it. I observed the poor pumpkin and turned to him smiling, "it's perfect."
"Wait, you're not serious right? I was just joking." He looked at me concerned. "It's hideous. Probably the ugliest pumpkin in the whole field."
"I know, but it has character," I countered, waving at the pumpkin guy. He hustled across to us and with the same expression as Aspen asked, "You sure?"
I rolled my eyes at both of them as Aspen finished for me, "the lady wants what she wants."
He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the building, the only warmth I felt radiating onto me off of it. I would be lying if I didn't say this whole situation was awkward, to say the least. Only last night he confessed his feelings to me and here we were already holding hands on a pumpkin carving date. It almost seemed too good to be true. And part of me, the part that thinks rationally, knew it was. After every high, there was always a low and I think I was already anticipating it.
"I must warn you, I'm pretty good at carving pumpkins," he teased, squeezing my hand as we entered. The inside of the building was as cozy as I dreamed it would be. It was designed to be like a cabin on the inside. Everything was designed from wood.
There was a cafe perched at the back where a barista was busy making a coffee drink. A few tables were scattered throughout the place with little lamps placed on each. In the corner was a fireplace, the crackles of ember defining the ambiance.
"You want a coffee?" Aspen asked me as I took a seat at one of the tables.
"Hot chocolate, please. I'm not such a coffee fan," I stated sheepishly, hugging my arms to my chest, my wool sweater finally warming me up.
"Two hot chocolates coming right up," he said already walking to the counter.
"Here's your pumpkins and your knives," the guy from outside stated as he put the pumpkins down on the table. I chuckled noticing how big Aspen's own was compared to mine. "Do you guys want help or you think you'll manage?"
"No, I think we're fine," I smiled at him, allowing his retreat.
Aspen came back with two mugs of chocolatey goodness as I was halfway through the face of my pumpkin.
"Looks like I have some competition," he pursed his lips, as he watched my work. I stuck out my tongue and went back at it. He got cracking at his one time. The amount of effort and concentration displayed on his cute face made happiness bloom within me. He looked like he was taking it so seriously.
This was the Aspen I wanted to see more of. The one who let his guard down, drinking hot chocolate and carving pumpkins. All the tension and worry that he'd walk into my life with seemed to evaporate. Leaving behind this man, battered and bruised by something unknown.
I finished the final pieces of my carved pumpkin, marveling at my masterpiece. "Are you done?"
"Yup," he absentmindedly replied as he finished up something on his, "okay show me."
I turned mine to face him the same time he turned his. I burst out in laughter as soon as I saw the massacre of his poor pumpkin.
"What did your pumpkin do to you to deserve that treatment?" I managed to say through laughs. There were three abnormally shaped holes with a bunch of crooked lines on it. Its 'face' looked like it had something stuck up its ass.
"Hey, yours doesn't even look happy," He joked, trying to defend his. Mine had two perfectly angry eyes carved, with a downward smile.
"It's not supposed to. It's Halloween, screw happiness," I kidded. He watched me mournfully a sad smile spreading across his face. Something I couldn't read in his eyes.
"I'll agree with that one."
By the time we got home, it was already evening, the drive back was so long I almost started to doze off. The sunset blended perfectly, a mixture of pinks, purples, and blues.
"Thank you for today," I started up, curling myself up like a little ball on the car seat, "this was one of the best days of my life." I rested my hand on his lap and absentmindedly rubbed it back and forth.
Silence followed to my surprise and I turned my body towards him, wondering what was on his mind. He was focused solely on the road, a furrow laid between his eyebrows.
"What's wrong?" I questioned, suddenly becoming afraid.
He sighed, then rubbed his shoulder as if he had a knot in it. "It's just I think you should take up the offer with Luca. Give him a call. Let him take you out."
I woke up from my solemn dream, feeling suddenly tense and directed to him, "Why?"
I didn't even try to mask the hurt in my voice or the feeling of accusation. There I was, telling him I had the best day, with him and he was telling me I should go out with another man. That man being his best friend. He looked at me, sadness in his eyes.
"I just... I think he's better for you that all. And I agree with you, I think we should just be friends. I'm leaving soon to go back to Nevada. Luca's here. He's a good man Wynter. Plus my life's full of shit. It doesn't make sense to be with me. I know I can't give you the happiness you deserve."
I couldn't help but verbally scoff so he'd hear. The disbelief I was feeling was unreal. He had me on a see-saw and I hated the feeling. Rocking back and forth. One second I was happy the next he was taking it away from me. Today made me realize how much I wanted Aspen. I wanted to get to know him so badly I needed to.
But then I took a second to analyze each word. A little part of me knew he was right. What was forming between us was only temporary. If we let it mature it would become too toxic, consuming, and overpowering. I didn't know if my emotional stability was ready for that. Ready for this thing between us to grow until it was a burning flame, unmanageable and unpredictable. To take me by the neck and melt me away till I was nothing. My feelings were already growing for Aspen, they probably always had been, and if I let them they might not stop. I had to be safe like I always played it.
He was right.
He was right, I strained internally to myself, trying to convince myself of something I wanted to fight so badly.
"Okay," I blurted, an empty feeling consuming me within.
"Okay," He countered, and I couldn't help but feel he was disappointed in my answer. There was no reason for him to be. But then again I think that's just what my mind wanted to tell itself.
"So," he started up, after a few minutes of awkward silence, "your friend Lily, she's single?"
"Jerk," I muttered, hitting him on the arm and laughing. He joined me and rubbed his arm pretending it was sore as he held on with the other to drive.
"Kidding," he teased and I was immediately thankful for the tension break. Friends. I could be his friend. Well, I could try at least.