Jungkook stepped into his quiet apartment, completely silent and alone, drowned in an ocean of darkness. He flipped on the living room lights as he kicked off his shoes beside the door. The door closed and locked behind him as he carefully made his way to his kitchen. Jungkook was just on the border of falling apart in a crumbling mess.
So he might as well be drunk while it happens.
Jungkook reaches into his fridge on the door and grabs a mostly full bottle of soju, his fingers wrapping carefully around the neck of the bottle. He pushed the door of the fridge closed with his foot and popped open the top of the bottle before pressing the cold rim to his lips.
The emotions flowed with the alcohol and Jungkook felt all the suppressed sadness and pity and anger come out in the form of thick tears. They roll down his cheeks and wet his skin before dripping from his chin onto the floor.
Jungkook drank the sweet yet simultaneously bitter liquid like it would make him happy, like he'd find comfort at the bottom of it. He tilted his head back and gulped down the alcohol so feverishly he might choke on it.
With each sip he took, the pain subdued until he felt nothing. When that bottle was gone, he went into the fridge and grabbed another one. He didn't want to feel anymore. He wanted to be in that constantly emotionless state that everyone expected him to be in. It was easier that way, to have no emotions to tear you down over and over again.
Jungkook stumbled his way to the living room, nearly tripping over his own feet on his way there. His hand gripped the neck of the bottle so tight, he thought it was going to shatter in his hand. He lifted it back to his lips and took another sip as he flopped down on his couch.
Jungkook thought about how much he missed the feeling of being with Iris. How happy he was when she would put forth the effort to help him, to show she was pleased with him, when she'd hum in delight at his food. How he'd giggle to himself like a little school girl when she would playfully flirt with him back. He felt like he could emote when he was with her, express himself in a way that wasn't going to lead to his downfall.
The numbness was quickly fading and the heartache was becoming more and more evident. Spending more than 2 weeks pretending that they never even knew each other in the first place was taking its toll on Jungkook's heart. He drank even more, wanting to take away the heartache.
The more he drank, the more he thought about Iris and the more he thought about her, the greater pain he felt.
Jungkook slammed his bottle down on the table and ran his finger through his hair, messing it up. It all hurt. He just needed someone, namely Iris to comfort him. That was all he wanted.
In his drunken mind, Jungkook came to the conclusion that he'd go to Iris, completely forgetting that they were on a break right now. He could only hope she doesn't turn him away, leaving Jungkook to suffocate and drown in his own tears.
Jungkook forced himself up from the couch, tripping and stumbling as he tried to regain balance. The world seemed to be spinning around him. Nothing was unstable, everything was a messy blur.
And with that, Jungkook blundered his way out of the front door.
-
Iris hasn't moved from the couch since Namjoon left and she doesn't regret it in the slightest. Sure, she got up to pee and occasionally eat, but her butt had left a semi-permanent print in the cushions. She had somehow spent all day watching American reality TV that she was so sure was taking years off her life and lowering her IQ.
She hadn't done anything with Namjoon. When he showed up to her door, any desire to do anything with him washed away. What kind of person would she be to try and sleep with her best friend because some guy she wasn't even dating had the audacity to sleep with someone when he was entirely within his right to do so?
So they sat on her couch, fell asleep, and Namjoon was off in the morning.
She just missed Jungkook constantly there to bother her. In a really odd way, his being there to kill her brain cells every time he spoke gave her the motivation to keep those cells. It sort of evened her out in a way that she hadn't known until she met him. She needed his chaos to balance out the strangling severity she did everything with.
Iris didn't know when would be a good time to start interacting with him again. She was a little scared that there may be some pushback or that they'd just constantly be awkward around each other.
Iris was curled up on the end of the couch, watching another horrific episode of Too Hot To Handle, when there was a slow, hard knock on her front door. Her eyes dart to the door in confused. Someone must have accidentally bumped into her door.
And then there was another knock on her door, accompanied with a loud, whiny, unmistakable "Noona" from the other side of the door.
Jungkook.
"Noona! Please...l-let me in!" Jungkook hiccuped from the other side of the door. Iris perked up, her heart begins to race in her chest as she thinks she hears the sound of...crying? Is he crying?
Iris got up from her place on the couch and hesitantly shuffled over to the door. Should she open it? Was she ready to finally interact with him for the first time in days? Weeks? He sounded like he needed help. Her hand hovered over the knob of her front door, uncertain of what she should do. If he truly needs help, she couldn't turn him away for something so petty.
In a sudden rush of boldness, Iris turned the knob and opened the door for him.
Jungkook's sitting on the floor in front of her door. He looks up at her with glossy eyes, brimming with tears as they fall fresh over his flushed face. He sniffles through his red, stuffed nose and wordlessly shuffled over, wrapping his arms around her leg like a baby koala.
"Jungkook, what are you do-?"
"I just need someone." He mutters softly against her thigh. "I-I didn't know who else to go to." He let out a shaky breath and held on to her like his life depended on it. He was on his knees, begging her not to turn him away.
Iris felt a pain in her heart, seeing Jungkook so broken down for once. What could've possibly made him fall apart like that? She bit her lip, conflicted, as she glanced about up and down the hall.
In the end, she sighed and took her leg away from him so he'd let her go. Jungkook looked up at her, his heart-shattering in his chest. His lips trembled and more tears began to spill over.
"Come on, bunny boy." Iris sighed, tugging on his shirt so that he would get up. There was no way she'd be able to pick him up herself so she wouldn't even try. She reached down and grabbed his hand, tugging upwards.
Jungkook manages to get onto his feet, he leans against Iris slightly as he tries to regain balance. She can smell the alcohol in his breath and knows he was drinking before he came here. That would probably explain his sudden boldness.
Iris takes Jungkook to the couch and forces him to sit down. He looks really tiny now. His cheeks and nose are blush red, raw from rubbing and crying. He really just wanted to be next to someone. They don't even need to talk.
"What's wrong? What happened?" Iris sat down beside him yet a good distance away. She was worried about him. Who hurt him? Who her her precious boy?
God, now she was talking possessive. What was he doing to her?
Jungkook shakily rubbed his hands together as he tries to think. He just wants to lay down. Everything felt dizzy. He wanted her close. He wanted her to hold him and caress him and tell him that everything was okay.
"Can I just- Can I put my head on your lap?" He asked anxiously. He's always wanted to place his head in someone's lap and feel them run their fingers through his hair. That probably felt nice. What sweet affection that would be.
Iris was a little stunned at his request. He wanted to put his head in her lap. By the way he looked at her, it seems like he just needed someone to touch him. Like he desperately needed someone to comfort him. So she sighed and opened her arms, giving him space to lay down.
Jungkook carefully moved to the side and tilted over, pulling his legs up onto the couch as his head positioned itself on her thighs. She smelled nice just as always. Something naturally sweet and warm that makes Jungkook feel very pleasant and fuzzy.
Iris stared down at him, watching the way he snuggled his face against her and closed his eyes to let out a shaky, almost relaxing breath.
His long, fluffy hair splayed across her lap and over his cheeks, tempting her to brush her finger through it. She brought a hand up and gently brushed away his stray strands of hair, sending a shiver down Jungkook's spine.
"Keep...keep doing that." Jungkook tries to keep his slurred words together. Iris complied with his order and ran her fingers through his hair, tugging and pulling while her nails scratched gently at his scalp.
Jungkook's toes curled in his socks and his eyes squeezed shut before letting out a gentle, restful sigh. He had never had someone do this to him and it felt so nice he could almost start crying again. He was so touch-starved.
Jungkook nuzzled into her touch and sniffled, wanting nothing more than to stay like this forever.
"I'm sorry I'm like this." He whispered. "I'm sorry I'm not smart, or mature, or attractive enough. I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you." He let his heart pour out right then in there. This was his time to let all these fears and insecurities out.
Iris looked at him like he was crazy. "Jungkook, where is this coming from?" She questions, her hand pausing in their gentle strokes of his head. Jungkook nudges it, wanting her to continue. "I don't know, I just feel like it's true and I need to apologize. I should be better, shouldn't I?" He ponders like he's questioning his own existence. It's the definition of drunk words, sober thoughts. "You deserve so much better than me, Noona. We both know that."
"Jungko-"
"The craziest thing is-" He hiccups. "-no one knows that there's so much wrong with me. I'm so lonely all the time. I just want someone to pay attention to me for once." Jungkook can feel more tears forming but does nothing to stop them. "Thank you for paying attention to me, Noona."
Iris doesn't know what to do or what to say. All she can do is sit there, pet him, and reassure him. "You don't need to apologize for any of that, Koo. It's not that you're not smart, I've seen first hand that you are. And you are very attractive. Don't apologize. You have nothing to apologize for." She stroked his cheek soft. "I'm not the one who deserves someone better. You do. You deserve someone who can fully appreciate all you have to offer."
"How can I want better if you're the best? Why don't you want me? What am I doing wrong? I'll change anything." He just wanted to feel loved. He'd be anything she wanted him to be. He'd change every aspect of himself if that meant she'd love him.
"No, no, no Jungkook stop. You don't have to change a single thing about yourself." Iris insisted. "You are perfectly fine the way you are. And if anyone ever asks you to change who you are then fuck them."
It's not that Iris didn't want him. She was just scared of what her parents may say. She was already fighting to get acknowledged with any respect. She just had to give these things time.
Jungkook hesitated. "Is there a chance you could grow to love me?" He asked timidly, eyes wide, puffy, red, and so so sweet. He wouldn't hurt a fly even if you asked him too. "If I tried hard enough? Do I have even the slightest chance?" He needed to know here and now if this was all just a waste of time.
Iris felt her heart warm at the sight of him. But she also felt pain for him. If she couldn't see a world where she'd eventually come to love him, he had to cut him loose. If he asked her this question just a month ago, she would have shut him down immediately and sent him on his way. God, how he managed to wiggle his way in.
In some world, some perfect world where she didn't have to worry about her parents, Iris felt she could love Jungkook.
"With time... I think so." She didn't want him to this she was absolutely in love with him now. "But don't rush things like that, okay. Just take it easy right now. I'm the last thing you need to worry about."
Jungkook slowly licks his lips as he prepares to ask a question. This was such an important question to him and the answer would be equally, if not more, important to him.
"Do you think I'm too much? Like- my emotions are too big?"
It seems like such a random and odd thing to ask to Iris, but the way Jungkook looks- the way he turns, begging for his emotions to finally be validated, she knows that this is important to him.
Iris brushed his hair once more and smiled tenderly at him. "You are too much in the best way possible and your emotions are never too big. Let them be as big as you want them to be." She just told him what she needed to hear because she saw herself in him, in his eyes, in his tears. The desired to be love regardless of everything, too be enough for someone.
Finally. That's what he's been waiting to hear since forever, for someone to tell him that he's allowed to feel emotions.
Jungkook doesn't know what came over him but it feels like every emotion he could've possibly felt over the span of 20 years hit him for the first time, all at once. From his ripped Mr. Gom to his first heartbreak in high school to his mother's lack of care.
He rolls over and presses his face into Iris's stomach. His hands wrapped around her waist, gripping her shirt as tightly as he could. And Iris holds him. She lets him cry because that's what he needs. In all honesty, that's what she needs too. She doesn't because someone has to be strong here. They'd never get anywhere if they were both crying on each other's shoulders.
Jungkook sobs hard. His face turning bright red as he finally finds the emotional release he's always sought. Years and years of emotions and trauma come in the form of tears, thick, relieving tears that made his soul feel lighter.
Iris cups Jungkook's face, her thumbs rubbing away his tears. He loves her touch, he leans into it. His hands grip onto her wrist, holding her where she was so she wouldn't let him go. It feels like it's been a long time since someone's cupped his face. It made him cry even harder.
"I'm right here, Jungkook. I'm not going to leave you. Just breathe." Iris tells him. Jungkook's always wanted to hear that from her and the words are sweeter than he had ever imagined.
Iris manages to get Jungkook to calm back down from his crying before he ended up dehydrated. She gave him gentle words and curled her fingers in his hair, giving him his much-deserved attention until he had finally tired himself out.
Jungkook had fallen asleep with his head in Iris's lap, snoring softly as he experienced the best sleep he's ever had for as long as he could remember.
Iris remains awake though, watching over Jungkook while he rests with the smallest hint of fondness in her gaze. She still hasn't stopped petting his head.
This was the real Jungkook, a man who just wanted attention and affection and to have his emotions acknowledged. He wasn't always some one-dimensional, flirty character. He had depth. He had emotions.
He deserved to have his emotions fully explored. The joy, the anger, the sadness. He deserved more.
*.✧ Kᴀʏs Eɴᴅɪɴɢ Nᴏᴛᴇs
I really like Jungkook's character because he reminds me so much of myself. I'm not loud or outgoing but I do tend to push way my emotions because my parents don't acknowledge them at times. I wanted to make Jungkook based in reality in times where things can get out of hand. His character is complex just like a real human being and I love it.
I said this in the comments last chapter in reply to a comment, but parents are how you learn to understand and conceptualize love. Depending on how your parents treated each other or treated you, you can find someone exactly like them or the complete opposite. That's why a lot of victims of parental abuse end up with partners who are abusive themselves.
With that being said, I'm trying to figure out how to go about the chapter with Iris' parents. What should go down. If Jungkook should be there or not. A lot of things to consider so if you guys have any suggestions let me know. I'd love to hear them.
Anyways, sorry for my whole rant. Thank you all for reading. I hope you guys enjoyed and I wish you all a wonderful day/night
사랑해
~Kay (ノ^_^)ノ