I made my way to the library to begin looking around for anything that might help me figure out more about the stag. Once I entered the large room, I stopped to take it all in.
There were at least two dozen bookshelves, each one filled with hundreds of books. Chairs to sit in and tables with busts and books on display were scattered around the room. There were even smaller bookshelves that could be used for placing books between the larger shelves. I marveled at everything in here, it was the grandest library I'd ever seen.
I didn't even know where to start looking, so I just wandered around, gazing at everything in awe. I made my way over to one of the bookshelves and began eyeing the books, pulling one out every so often until one title caught my eye.
It was a book I'd read before, and I knew it held some information about the stag, so I pulled it off the shelf and started flipping through the pages. Memories flashed before my eyes of reading this book in my room at the orphanage.
I found familiar words and began to read aloud, "The bone road ebbs and the bone road flows..." a smile grew on my lips as I was reminded of a much simpler time in my life.
"You like books?" A man's voice sounded from behind me and I slammed the book shut while I turned around in surprise.
The man had short, brown hair and he was dressed in something that wasn't a kefta. It looked like what monks wear, but I didn't think there were any monks here.
"You are well-read, aren't you? Educated?" He asked.
I slowly nodded, this man gave me a bad feeling but I couldn't explain why.
"The headmistress where I grew up said because I didn't possess any physical talent, I should possess knowledge," I said while putting the book back in its place.
The man gave me a smile that sent shivers down my spine, but not in a good way, "Isn't that lovely of her?" he paused, keeping that smile on his face the entire time, "I'm the King's spiritual advisor."
I mouthed an "oh," while slowly trying to back away. That only made him come closer though, "I wanted to be friends. It is important that we are friends."
I started looking around, wondering if anyone else was in here, or if anyone else would come in. I needed to get away from this man. Anyone else saying they wanted to be friends wouldn't have struck me the wrong way, but with this man it did.
"I was just researching," I said, trying to round the bookshelf so I could get away.
"Oh, you're curious about the lore of the Stag, are you?" That caught my attention and I suddenly stopped trying to rid myself of him.
"Well, let me curate some reading for you," he looked to the shelf below the one I'd found my book on, "Ah!" He said, signaling he found something.
The man took the book over to the small bookshelf in the middle of the aisle and set it down, opening it to the page he wanted me to see.
"Here, it all began with this man. One of the first Grisha in recorded history. The Bonesmith."
I slowly approached him as he spoke, making my way to the book. I saw writing, but on one of the pages there was a man drawn in the middle, and the writing flowed around him. My hands reached out and touched the pages, and I wondered how old this book was.
The man continued, "He knew the Grisha would always be persecuted and so he worked on a plan to magnify their power." As he spoke, he went back to the shelf and retrieved another book.
"Um, I'm sorry, did you say he was called the Bonesmith?" I was confused because I'd never heard of him before, and I wondered how he got that name.
"He made creatures from his own finger bones," the man answered me, holding up his hands and wiggling his fingers. I chuckled lightly at his actions.
Maybe this man isn't so bad after all.
He began opening the other book he'd brought over before speaking again, "Mythical animals brimming with power. Attuned only to Grisha." The page he'd been looking for was finally in front of him and it held beautiful illustrations.
The bonesmith was at the center within a diamond shape, and there were four circles around him. In the top left circle, there was a bone hand, symbolizing what he'd used to make each creature.
The circle below it held the stag I'd dreamt of, it's large antlers in front of a full moon. Even in the drawing the stag was huge, it's white coat seemed to glimmer even on the page.
The top right circle seemed to hold what looked like a sea serpant with waves crashing all around it. Finally, the fourth circle had a detailed phoenix in front of stars.
"The Grisha learned that killing one of these beasts and then melding a piece of it around part of their body would amplify their abilities," the man continued his story and I looked at him in awe. "Sometimes the gain was minor, but with the right binding, the increase in power was astonishing."
He flipped the page and there was a picture of a man controlling large waves in the ocean, which showed he had an amplifire.
I thought about having that much power.
It would be amazing.
But I don't know if I would be able to live with how you take the power, "They slaughter the animals to take this power?" I asked him, hoping maybe there was another way.
"Only the Grisha who takes that life can take that creature's power," the man answered. My shoulders slumped and looked at the pages once more.
I could never kill an animal just to take its power.
I was pulled out of my thoughts when he spoke again, "A gift. To mark our new friendship."
He handed me a red book and I read the title outloud, "The Lives of the Saints?"
I studied the cover more, noticing the beautiful gold detailing. I rubbed my fingers over it, taking in the great detail, grateful for this gift.
"Thank you," I said, looking up at him. This made him smile and I immediately felt a twinge of guilt for how I'd thought of him at first. He actually seemed to be fairly nice.
"Baghra awaits," he announced.
"Baghra?"
With a nod, he led me out of the library and through a door that went outside. We walked in silence for a little while before he spoke again.
"Every Grisha is trained by Baghra to harness their power. It is quite brutal. Mostly the peasants hate the Grisha, but I think it is because the Grisha do not suffer. But..." he paused and stopped walking, "You have suffered, haven't you?"
I stopped as well, clutching the little red book to my chest, looking at him with uncertainty.
"How-" I began to say, but he cut me off.
"I think you will suffer more," his expression turned sad and I had so many questions I wanted to ask, but before I could, he held his arm out to the side. It was a gesture for me to keep walking, so I did exactly that.
He left me alone with my thoughts, and my mind was racing.
How did he know I've suffered?
Why did he say I'd suffer more?
How will I suffer more?
Should I even believe what he said?
I stopped thinking about all of that when I reached the entrance to Baghra's hut. It was an archway carved through stone, and I couldn't see anything after a few inches in.
Then, there were torches on the stone walls, guiding me towards the unknown. I looked at my surroundings, wishing very much to be back in the library right now.
I didn't see or hear anyone, so I called out, "Hello?"
There was no reply. I kept walking down a flight of stairs I'd reached until I was in an open room.
"Hello?" I called out again. After more silence, I decided to walk further into the room.
Someone lives here.
I turned around, looking everywhere I could see for some form of life when I heard a voice from behind me for the second time today.
"You're late," a woman said and I quickly turned around, almost dropping the little red book in the process.
The woman wore a black kefta and had grey hair that contrast with her clothing. She had striking blue eyes that felt like they were looking into my soul.
"Let's have a look at you." She began walking around me in a circle, "A Sun Summoner who wastes her time training with Botkin?" She paused, which gave me time to note that the trainers name was Botkin.
"Are you going to punch your way through the Shadow Fold?" I didn't know how to respond so I just stayed silent, "Where's the rest of you?"
I looked down at myself, not understanding what she meant. I knew I wasn't much to look at, but surely it wasn't that bad.
"Are you mute, girl?"
"N-no," I managed to get out one word while she was still staring at me with judgemental eyes.
"That's something, I suppose." She then sat down in a chair that had another directly across from it and nodded for me to sit in the other one.
Oh Saints.
As soon as I sat down, she began questioning me.
"Where are your parents?"
"Dead, I assume."
"Where did you grow up?"
"Keramzin."
"You slipped through the cracks and stayed where you didn't belong. Where do you belong?"
"With my friends. In the army." I was quick to answer with what I felt was right for me.
"Drawing a little home for yourself in sketchbooks? You don't belong here?"
I paused, "I'm told that I do."
"You have to be told a thing to believe it?" Her question was valid, but I still didn't like it.
"Not always."
She then leaned forward, "Then what are you?"
I knew what she wanted to hear, but it still sounded ridiculous to me, "A Sun Summoner?" It came out as more of a question than I'd meant it to.
"And can you summon the sun without the general clutching your wrist? His blood and bones amplify other Grisha. Did you know that?"
I smiled at her question this time, because I did know that. He had told me himself that night in the old barn.
"Yes, he told me that on our journey here."
For a moment she looked shocked and I wondered why, but just as quick as it came, it was gone.
"Can you summon the power on your own?" She asked again.
"I can't." I was ashamed of my answer and I knew she would be too.
"What about now?"
I felt a sharp pain in my left arm and realized she'd hit me with a stick I hadn't seen before. I looked at her like she was crazy, but all she did was stand up.
"Everyone believes that you are the one. Come back when you believe it too," then she left me in that room.
I quicky walked out, angry at myself for not speaking up. I had to agree that she had a point though, I didn't believe that I was the one who could destroy the Shadow Fold.
Maybe she had told me just what I needed to hear.
I rushed back to my room and began to write Mal another letter, noticing that the one I'd left there before was gone.
Dear Mal,
I know I should be grateful. The clothes, the food...it's beyond anything we'd imagined. And yet I feel as if I don't deserve any of it. I can't use my power without help but the whole country is counting on me to learn how to do just that. I don't feel like the all powerful Sun Summoner people tell stories about. I wish it hadn't been me, and I wish that I were still with...with the First Army. In some moldy tent, drawing a world where the Little Palace is just a bit of pencil on paper. Not real. None of it real. None of it bad. I'm sorry this letter isn't full of hope, but I know you don't expect that of me. I hope to hear from you soon.
Love,
Ana
I put the quill down and stuck the paper in another envelope. Tears formed streaks down my face and I couldn't help but feel hopeless.
The general is going to be so disappointed, everyone will be. It was then my thoughts turned to the man I hadn't seen all day.
Kirigan.
I felt the overwhelming need to see him wash over me, so I rose from my chair and started the walk to the domed hall for dinner.
As I pushed the doors open, the first thing I noticed was that Kirigan wasn't there. My heart dropped but I didn't have much time to be sad because I saw hands waving at me out of the corner of my eye. Nadia and Marie were calling me over to their table, a seat in between the two of them just for me.
I quickly plastered a smile on my face and walked over to them. It didn't take long after I sat down for them to start talking to me.
"How was your time with Baghra?" Nadia politely asked.
I knew she meant no harm by the question, but I couldn't help the sting that it brought. "It was a promising start," I lied.
A servant brought over a dish and when he uncovered the lid, I heard Marie gasp.
I smiled and picked up my fork, sticking it into one of the various foods, but before I could pull the fork away a hand stopped me.
I looked up, seeing a boy holding his own fork and I looked at him, confused.
Marie leaned over, "You have an otkazat'sya taster. They're normally reserved for the Royal Family."
I watched as he sunk his fork into my meal and then put it in his mouth. He swallowed and then looked at me, "Delicious." He then let out a laugh, "You'll be happy with the meal. If, you know, I survive."
I eyed him, feeling awful that this was his job. I didn't know what to say so I just sat there watching him.
"I think it's safe," he said, letting out another nervous laugh.
"Is this some kind of punishment for you?" I questioned.
"This is a plum gig. I was so happy when the last taster died." He answered, holding another forkful of my meal up to his mouth before realizing what he said and dropping the food back onto my plate.
I was confused because I didn't have a taster the night before, but maybe it was because I ate at the general's table?
"Thank you," I said awkwardly as he got up and walked away.
Ivan stood up then with a paper in his hand, "News from the Fjerdan front. In the First Army, many casualties in the 18th, 27th, and 36th battalions." My stomach twisted.
"Did he say 36th?" I breathlessly asked Marie.
"Also among the dead, six healers, four inferni..." I stopped listening to Ivan as my mind spun.
Mal was in the 36th batallion. My eyes were still trained on Ivan as I noticed he had started talking directly to me.
"...eating figs, hmm? You should be training every waking moment to tear down the Fold." I looked down in shame as I saw everyone was looking at me after what he'd said.
When I looked back up though, I caught a familiar set of eyes that belonged to Elijah. He smiled at me from next to Ivan and mouthed "I'm sorry."
I gave him a tight lipped smile, and then stood up. My appetite was lost after everything I'd heard. I rushed out of the domed hall, leaving everyone to gossip about the Sun Summoner who isn't doing enough.
I didn't care though, all I cared about was finding out if Mal was alive, and if he was okay.
I went back to my room and pulled out the letter I'd thought was finished. I crossed out the "Love, Ana" part and continued to write.
What I haven't said in this letter, Mal, what I've been trying to write among all these scattered words is...is that I'm afraid. I'm scared, Mal. We grew up reading about a Saint who would one day perform a miracle of light and solve our country's problems, and we knew that was a lie. We knew that no stranger ever solved our problems for us. No great miracle was coming. That's why we had each other. The world is hard and cruel. But we had each other, and that was enough. That was everything. If Saints were once real, they've long since left us. Yet now, everyone is looking at me like I'm the answer. Like I'm the miracle the world has been waiting for. Or perhaps they know I'm a fraud. An imposter. I'm terrified. Of failure or success. If I really do have this power, who am I? I would be everything we mocked and dismissed. A stranger to myself. And to you. You once told me you were the most scared when you were lost. But getting lost can happen even when you know where you are. You told me about cardinal north. And true north. Cardinal north is a direction on a map. True north? True north is home. It's where you feel safe. And loved. You have always been my true north, Mal. I’ll find my way back to you. And if I am to survive this, I need to be home again…with you.
Love,
Ana.
I put the letter back in its envelope just before there was a knock on my door. My head turned and I got up to see who it was. As I opened the door, my heart stopped and a smile formed on my lips.
"Kirigan?"
A/N
Sorry to leave you hanging hehehe not really 😈
But I hope you liked this chapter and I'm sorry there was no Kirigan but this was focused on her and I didn't want to take away from that by adding a scene or two in!
Don't forget to vote and comment!!
Love y'all!
💗💗