Author's Note: I was thinking about how all time-travels seem to have it where the time-traveler knows who Sidious is and what to change, so I decided to play around with the idea where the time-traveler knows nothing about Sidious and is focusing more on the galaxy. And I was wondering what it would have been like if Anakin – or at least someone, and he was the best option – had foreknowledge of how to be a general at the start of the war, and I guess this really sprouted off those two ideas! Anakin seemed like the best option because I still can't write with Obi-Wan's POV well (yes, yes, I know, that's stupid -_- xD), and Ahsoka would be a very bad idea because she'd leave the Order first thing and would probably never get to know Anakin. Plus, Anakin's trauma is like SO underrated and that is absolutely CRIMINAL, so I really wanted something that could cover it a lot, especially after Ahsoka left the Order. I'm not that far into writing (or even planning) this, so if anyone has any ideas/suggestions, feel free to share! :D ~Rivana
Warning: Major depression that boarders on suicidal.
People call him the Hero With No Fear. It's almost laughable. He is not fearless, but most of all, he is no hero.
If he were a hero, he would've been able to save her.
He would've been able to save his mother.
He would've been able to save Obi-Wan that day at the warehouse.
He would've been able to save so many of his brothers – Rex's brothers – the 501st, on Umbara.
But he did none of those things.
So here he is, out here, alone.
He spoke with the Chancellor about it. Sort of. The best he could. He didn't want to, per say, but he had to. He was about to sentence her, probably to death, when Anakin walked in. How he had hoped everything would just go back to normal, but they didn't. Couldn't. She's gone. And he's alone. He's angry with everyone. There's no one who couldn't have put up more of a fight. He's furious with the Council – they had no right to take his sister, his daughter from him. He's angry at Obi-Wan, for not stopping them and for not coming to help him. He's angry at Plo – the man so much like her father – for not standing up for her.
And Palpatine didn't have to sentence her. He should've known. He knew Anakin, so if Anakin believed in Ahsoka, why didn't he? Anakin gets it; it's what the Senate wanted, but that doesn't mean he's not angry. So here he is. Out here, alone. Spending every second thinking she's about to pop out of a shadow somewhere and laugh at him for thinking she could really have left and broken the promise between then, the one only she never broke. Expecting her to just appear out of the middle of the battlefield and tease him about how reckless he is.
The only person he can't blame for any of it is Padme. She stepped in to defend Ahsoka at the last minute, even if the Senate refused to listen. And Rex believed in her too, but there was nothing he could have done either.
But most of all, Anakin's angry at himself for not stopping it all. For not watching over and taking care of her like he should have. For not being there with her. It should have been him instead of her. She never should have faced this. She was never supposed to walk away. They were supposed to do everything together until they end.
And Ahsoka... she left him. She walked away.
"This isn't about you."
Those words lanced through his heart far worse than anything else he's ever heard. Throughout the war, he'd spent his time, energy, and focus doing everything he could to shield her from the worst of the battles. There were times he couldn't, of course, like on Ryloth when he finally entrusted her with her first squadron to lead her first battle. He had done everything for her, but she walked away, like their bond, their forever undying love and loyalty to each other hand meant nothing.
It ripped a hole in his heart he knows nothing – nothing – can ever refill. The one person he knew he could trust and rely on, the person he was supposed to take care of. Right after everything he believed in was ripped away, right when the Jedi proved again none of them trusted him, she turned her back on him. They should have been able to work it through together, to tell him she wasn't the only one suffering from the Council's betrayal. But she didn't even listen.
"More than you realize, I understand wanting to walk away from the Order," he had said, in one final desperate attempt to get the point across. The only reason he stayed was that he couldn't do that to Obi-Wan The only reason. It had been a moment of choice, between the man who raised him, and his daughter and wife, and given the life he's lived, of course he chose Obi-Wan over them both.
"I know," Ahsoka had said, because she had to let him know she was the only person who understood him – momentarily giving him the hope she wouldn't hurt him like everyone else – only to disappear off into the sunset. Because he didn't mean anything to her, either.
And in the end, he loses everyone, whether it be them walking away or forcing him to leave them. What is so wrong with him that no one wants him?
***
There is nothing that hurts more than throwing himself into battle to the point he expects to see her when he turns. When it suddenly crushes him again that she isn't here, that he can't tell her to go help the clones over at the edge where they're rapidly being overrun while Anakin struggles to keep back the droids in the main part of the battlefield. They're simply outnumbered, and there's only so much ground they can give. It's the first mission since Ahsoka left, and it's going badly.
Ahsoka, if you knew this would happen, would you have stayed?
An explosion rips through the ground nearby, throwing several clones to the ground.
The droids have brought their tanks forwards now. He'd been so focus on the battle droids he hadn't seen it coming.
Snips, where are you when I need you?
***
It had all started over twelve years ago. When he was just a little boy back on his home planet of Tatooine. When he was no one – just like now – and when he looked to the stars, waiting for his father to come. He had been too young to understand that when his mother said he didn't have one, that there wasn't one. That he was the son of the Force. But on a place like Tatooine, so many families are destroyed it was an easy assumption to make. But he knew eventually he'd find his father, too, so he watched, he waited, because he knew he wasn't going to be stuck on that dust planet forever. That place where lives mean nothing and families – whether by blood or by choice – are constantly ripped apart because they're no more than objects to be bought and sold.
And then, he came. The first Jedi Anakin ever met. Qui-Gon Jinn. At first, Anakin was as distrustful and wary as ever. Years of experience had taught him that, making him tense and closed off near any adult except his mother and another slave, constantly in fear of punishment if he slipped up. But the man's kind and gentle manner made Anakin trust him to the point he was ready and willing to risk his life for him – for Padme, the only non-slave friend he'd met.
And then, he had a choice. Between his mother who raised him, who stood by and supported him, and between his dreams. His family, or the Jedi and his longing to stop the pain that surrounded him. Between his parents. "Don't look back," his mother had said, and he didn't. He'd chosen to face the unknown, to leave the one person who stayed by him through all. Is that why Ahsoka left him? To show him how his mother felt, losing him like that?
Anakin's life could've gone smoothly from that point on, if not for the Council. Even years later, the crushing feeling of their rejection still haunts him. Is that why no one believed him when he spoke of Ahsoka's innocence? He had seen Qui-Gon as something like a role-model, the father he'd been waiting for his whole life. Those feelings were only reinforced when the man decided he would train him anyway, regardless of the Council's decision. And he would have, too, if the Council hadn't been stupid enough to send him and Obi-Wan straight back to the place their mission all started, when they knew full-well the long-disappeared Sith had returned and were waiting for them.
Anakin had wanted to stay with them, all the way through to the end. "Stay in that cockpit," Qui-Gon had ordered him flatly when he tried to get out to follow. And he did. He won the battle with that fighter, completely by accident, but when he came back, he knew something was wrong. He felt Qui-Gon's death more strongly than he'd felt anything in his life.
So, he was left with Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan, who didn't want him in the first place. Neither of them wanted each other, but eventually, painfully slowly, they formed a bond like nothing ever made. A bond Anakin once thought nothing could ever shake.
It was a decade after Anakin became a Jedi that it happened. The very day before the Clone Wars broke out. He finally gave in and returned to Tatooine to find his mother, after having visions of her calling for him for a month. Obi-Wan refused to allow him to do anything about it, but Anakin went anyway, while Obi-Wan was gone. But when he got there... he was already too late.
Only three months afterwards, before he even had time to finish coping with everything between his mother's death, having lost his arm the first day of battle, becoming a Knight only because the war started – a war that went completely against his morals and everything he believed in and stood for his whole life – and becoming a general, was he given a padawan. Ahsoka, his sister, being the careless, reckless little girl she was, had no idea what war really meant. She didn't know what she was walking into, and it took a toll on her. Fourteen at the beginning – more with the maturity of a twelve-year-old – and sixteen at the end, but already an adult in all sense but age, having experienced horrors no one ever should.
And all throughout the war, he established many fleeting relationships with his men, his brothers, only for them to be taken in battle. Anakin can only be grateful Rex is still alive, but a dark part of him always has to remind himself that no one knows for how long. Rex could easily be taken in the very next battle.
It was two years after the start of the war that Obi-Wan faked his own death and didn't even bother telling Anakin about it. Anakin was there when he was shot. Ahsoka held him; they carried him back to the Temple together. Only to learn he was dead and find out only after Anakin and Ahsoka tracked down Rako Hardeen, the person who was supposedly Obi-Wan's killer, nearly killing him. They could've killed him by accident, and all Master Yoda – the most respected member of the entire Jedi Order – did was tell him they didn't trust him. They used him, and Obi-Wan flat out told him later it was his idea. It was that moment Anakin finally realized that he doesn't mean anything to any of them. Ahsoka, Rex, Padme. They were all he had left, but now... now...
He wants to – he doesn't know what he wants anymore. He remembers back on Mortis, that even when Ahsoka died, he was able to bring her back. And this, in a way, hurts worse, because even though she knew everything he went through to bring her back to him, she chose to leave. She wasn't taken from him this time; she walked away of her own free-will, shattering the last ties he has to the Order except Obi-Wan, who he can't bring himself to leave. If he weren't so afraid of being an even bigger disappointment, he'd walk away without a second thought. This time, no one would have to tell him not to look back.
And it was Anakin who had to go back and tell the 501st of his failure, that their sister was gone. That despite everything he did, it wasn't enough.
Because it's never enough. How much does he have to give before someone is finally satisfied with him? He's alone now. Completely alone. He has no place, no one left he can call home.
***
"Fall back!" Anakin shouts to Rex, slowly backing up.
He barely manages to intercept a blast that would have landed right where the clone captain is standing. Obi-Wan was supposed to be coming in with reinforcements, and Anakin still regrets having to ask for them. The Council already made it clear they demand more of him if they're ever going to trust him. He should have been able to pull this off with his limited resources.
That's when the fighters finally come down to join the fray.
Anakin glances over, realizing instantly the only person at his side is Rex, not –
Somehow, everywhere he goes, everything he does leads him directly back to her. But she's gone, and she'll never come back. He wasn't able to protect her. The child he was entrusted with to care for. A promise from long ago comes back to him, when he knelt next to his mother's grave. "I wasn't strong enough to save you mom. I wasn't strong enough, but I promise. I won't fail again."
Except, he did. He failed her, his little sister. He remembers what it felt like, being forced to walk away from his mother, and for a brief painful moment, wonders if this was how she felt, but he knows it couldn't've been. She told him to leave. He asked – practically begged – Ahsoka not to leave him. His mother had known he was going to a better life, and he knows Ahsoka is walking out into the unknown, with literally nothing. How could she even survive out there alone? Any one of countless things could happen to her out there, and he wouldn't be there to help her.
There's nothing he wouldn't do to go back, to get another chance to raise her and to do it right, but even if he is the Chosen One, he can't rewind time.
"You're not all-powerful, Ani."
So why does it feel like he has to be? Like no one will ever accept him unless he is?
How could Ahsoka have left him? What will happen to her when she's down there in the underworld, alone? She's far too young to be wandering around alone. He should be there with her, watching over her.
He should have been, but he – he wasn't able to. After two and a half years of working side by side, of saving her life, time and time again...
Given time, he knows Ahsoka will be able to move on. She'll find a life out there, somewhere, but he can't. How could he? He gave her everything, but now she's gone.
If only he could go back, to change everything. He wants to, but it's impossible. No one can time travel simply because they want to. That's not how the Force works, or people would do it all the time, and besides, it would be much too dangerous. The Sith would do it and could live out endless possibilities before finally settling on the one they like most. Just because no one has doesn't mean you can't, a voice whispers in his mind. You're the Chosen One.
Which again doesn't mean he's all-powerful. But what even does it mean? Even with all the power he has, a strength greater than anyone has ever known, he couldn't save his mother, he couldn't protect his sister. What good does it do, except burden him?
***
The battle continues raging, Anakin moving almost methodically through everything. He has no one to do droid counts with anymore.
With Obi-Wan's help in the background – Anakin never does see him in person – it becomes easier. That is, until the moment Anakin realizes the Separatist general on the planet is making a run. He doesn't hesitate – maybe this is the chance he needs – and pursues after despite Obi-Wan's shout of warning.
***
He shouldn't be remembering everything through such a haze; he always remembers everything in detail. Far too graphic detail, much of the time. Because he didn't sense it fast enough, and the edge of the cliff caved out. He blames it on his lack of sleep or being unable to do anything for the last week. Maybe another bomb went off at the wrong time, maybe he had gotten too distracted throwing the clones to safety. It doesn't matter. They're safe now.
He was in the back of the group. And it's one of those moments when he knows he has to make a choice, because not everyone has reached safety yet – including Obi-Wan – and the ground is about to go out from beneath them. It's happened many times before, they jump to safety – at least Obi-Wan could – but this time all he has is a strange sense of finality. And maybe his brain is simply moving too sluggishly, or maybe he doesn't care anymore.
Anakin's hit with the realization then. He has a choice. And it's not one there's even a question he has to ask or answer. For the first time he can remember, he feels calm. Like this was meant to happen, and in a way it was. Somehow, he'd always known he'd die for the one person he loved most.
"It's too late."
He could die. Does he care? No. Should he? Probably.
A wave of the Force throws the everyone else to the edge of the cliff, to safety, right before the ground gives out from beneath him. And then he's falling.
Faintly, he hears Obi-Wan shout his name, but there's no going back. He did what he had to, and he won't regret it. Even if the thought of simply ceasing to exist scares him. He doesn't know if he'll live or not, but it doesn't really matter, because Obi-Wan's still alive, and so are Rex and Appo and Jesse and – and everyone.
And even now, he thinks of her, wondering – wishing he had another chance. Because this was wrong, and it should never have been this way, but it is, and...
Anakin doesn't remember hitting the ground, but he's suddenly there, consciousness slowly filtering back. Something feels off, wrong. Just not right. It's not anything he can place, but he hears Obi-Wan calling him.
He groans quietly, the only thing he wants to do is sleep. Exhaustion weighs him down, and he can't remember the last time he slept anyway. Well over a week ago because he must have gotten knocked out when he fell... He rolls onto his back, realizing almost instantly that something about his hair feels strangely off like it's too short. Uh... what? And nothing hurts, though he feels sore, and something is definitely very, very wrong.
When he finally opens his eyes, Obi-Wan is standing nearby. Seemingly uninjured. He's alright. Thank the Force for that. Anakin isn't sure what he would have done otherwise. Except... his presence feels different. He seems lighter, warmer, more open. Did he miss something?
Anakin pushes himself upright and stops cold when his gaze lands on the widows across from him. It's daytime outside, the light clearly showing the outside surface of the planet. The ground is of blue-gray stones, and the tall buildings are aqua. The sky is covered with pinkish blue clouds.
And then he's struck with a chilling realization. There's only been one planet he's gone to that looked like this. Christophsis.
***
Far across the galaxy, Darth Sidious is in his office when he senses the ripple in the Force. He's felt enough by now to know it means something unexpected has occurred, whether it be for better or worse. With the Clone Wars going on, it could be almost anything. The disturbance is neither warning nor assurance, but rather one of those that just is, a factor he will use to his gain. It seems to center on his future apprentice. In time, he will find the cause of this disturbance. He will call the boy here and speak to him, if he must.
***
Yoda is with Master Windu when he feels it. The Force is tensed in a way he hasn't felt it before. It suddenly reminds him of what he had felt only months earlier from young Skywalker, right before the start of the war. Pain, desperation, confusion... the list could go on. Something has happened, of that he is certain, even if he doesn't know what.
***
Anakin. Where is he now? Is he alright? Padme isn't sure why she's suddenly hit by thoughts of her husband, but she can't shake the feeling that something's wrong. In the war, it could be anything, and she wouldn't know until the news reaches Coruscant. She can't let herself get distracted right now. She has a meeting to focus on, and can't let her mind wander with possibilities, even if she's concerned for him. Anakin does not know how to take care of himself, and something feels off.