Mona was running on autopilot.
She was awake but wasn't thinking of anything, simply going through the motions of her morning routine.
They were back in New York. As soon as they had landed, she felt the bitter taste of reality flood her mouth when Niall kissed her the moment no one was looking. She'd only just tossed her luggage to a corner of her room and collapsed face down into her bed when he'd texted her, asking her to go over to his room for a cuddle. After spending the last few days sharing a bed with him, it was all she really wanted to do, if she was being honest with herself. But then, the jitters came back, she'd made up some excuse of being too tired to move from her bed, and they'd sort of left it at that.
Now, she was mindlessly pulling on a cardigan, gathering her things into her bag and throwing it over her shoulder. She didn't know where she was going yet, but all she really wanted was to get away, to find some place quiet to just think and make sense of all the emotions coursing through her exhausted body at the moment.
Their last few hours in Vegas had been quite uneventful. At least nothing happened that Mona could remember because she'd been too busy working herself up into a panic. After bringing herself to a somewhat calm state after spending who knows how long hyperventilating in the shower, she got dressed and headed to Zayn's room. Harlow had been the one to open the door because he had apparently gone out in search of some snacks, but Mona didn't need him to get what she wanted anyway. She simply dug through the front pocket of his case to find the pack of cigarettes and his spare lighter, taking one cig from the box before scurrying out, ignoring Harlow's questioning looks.
She couldn't remember her feet taking her anywhere, but when she'd regained focus again, she'd realized she made her way outside to the back of the building, her spine pressing against the cool brick exterior as she sunk down to the floor. Smoking wasn't really her thing, but she brought the cigarette to her lips anyway, wondering to herself how she even got there. Her hands shook too much to light it, but once she'd gotten it going, she'd taken one pull only to realize that it was a big mistake. The smoke that filled her lungs only sent her body into panic mode again, and she found herself furiously wiping away her tears as she sat there, on the dingy back alley of the hotel, surrounded by smoke.
She didn't even know why this was happening. Why was it so hard to picture herself happy with Niall? Why was she so afraid of just telling him how she felt? That maybe there might even be a shred of a chance that he could feel the same?
So, she had issues.
Now, she found herself in her favorite back corner of the library. There was never anyone there and she was always guaranteed a few hours of pure silence at her table. She didn't know how long she sat there, with her books spread out in front of her, not taking in a single word, but that spot of the library had remained as empty as ever, not even a librarian drifting by to re-shelve books. And she was glad for it.
Until...
"Knew I'd find ya here," came a familiar brogue murmuring into her ear. She flinched, only to realize he'd had his baseball mitt hands on her shoulders. He chuckled at her reaction, pressing a light kiss to her cheek and pulling up a seat beside her; she was acutely aware of the cold spots on her shoulders where his hands were, his warmth slowly dissipating from her skin. Before she could even catch her bearings, he had taken his seat and was already leaning in, pressing the sweetest and softest of kisses to her lips, the sunshine from his smile seeping into her bloodstream. "Hi," he mumbled, lips brushing against the corner of her mouth.
When he pulled back, she felt like she was being yanked from a dream. "Hi," she breathed back, unable to stop the way her fingers started to tremble, unable to stop the way her heart rate skyrocketed. She had to do it. She had to end it.
Niall leaned back into his chair, skin glowing and eyes glimmering and Mona could feel herself faltering. She was such a goner for him. "I came by last night for that cuddle but Harlow said you'd already fallen asleep." He smiled sweetly, and the way he did it made him look boyish and charming. Mona felt guilt crawling up her windpipes because that wasn't true, she'd simply pretended to sleep when Harlow came in to check on her. "Didn't wanna bother you but I think I've gotten so used to you being in bed with me that it was hard to fall asleep."
Mona had to bite back the smile that threatened to break through at that, had to tamp down the hope that started to flutter around in the pit of her stomach. She really hated when he said things like that because it made it difficult to determine where she truly stood with him. "Sorry." She couldn't help the way she sounded a bit defeated. "Traveling makes me crazy tired."
Niall grinned, reaching forward to brush strands of her hair that had fallen out of her haphazard bun away from her face, tucking them behind her ear. "Yeah. I know." She sighed inwardly. Here she was, with this gorgeous boy who always murmured sweet nothings into her skin, who kissed her so gently, who she loved with all her heart, and she couldn't even tell him how she felt, and she couldn't even begin to think herself as worthy of him.
She'd been so lost in her thoughts that she wasn't sure how it happened, but somehow, Niall had thrown an arm across the back of her chair, the warmth radiating from beneath his jumper pressing into her skin. He was leaning in, eyes already fluttered shut, lips parted slightly, and every one of her instincts had her leaning forward too. It hadn't even been that long but, oh, how she craved his kiss. She wanted more. She always wanted more.
And yet, something lit up in her head. Something that had her hand pressing against his chest, pushing as she curled her feet into the legs of the chair and slid herself backwards, as far away as she could get from that warmth. "Stop," she croaked, and when she managed to open her eyes, Niall was watching her in concern, already moving forward to comfort her obvious hurt, and again, she moved away.
"What's wrong, darlin'?" His bright blue eyes were so wide and honest and lovely, but Mona couldn't help but physically cringe at the nickname. He reached for her hand which was still sitting limply on the surface of the table and she pulled it away, averting her eyes so she didn't have to watch whatever look he'd just pulled.
Mona could feel herself beginning to hyperventilate. She'd bottled and bottled her feelings and now they felt like they were about to explode and there was nothing she could do to stop it. "I need to tell you something," she blurted out. Her heart was beating ten times faster than normal and she almost wondered if this was what cardiac arrest felt like.
Niall's eyes widened. "Me too." Now he actually looked a little nervous. "It's why I came to find you actually...it's, uh. It's kind of urgent."
She nodded. He should probably go first anyway. It would buy her time to try and figure out how exactly she wanted to tell him that she didn't want to be his friend with benefits anymore—because god knows that is an awkward conversation.
But Niall motioned for her to go first and she really didn't want to do that so she decided to just wait. Maybe he would take the hint and go ahead and say what he had to say.
The silence stretched miles between them. All Mona could hear was the thump thump thump of her heart in her ears and she started to feel nauseous, just like that night at Connemara's. Her body was warning her of something, something bad, and all she could do was sit there and wait for it.
She couldn't take it anymore. She needed to end this. It hurt so much, all the time, and she couldn't live like this anymore, in fear of what Niall was going to say to her, in fear of her feelings. The words came out like word vomit, except it happened to both of them at the same time.
"We can't do this anymore—"
"—I'm going to Ireland."
They both paused, watching each other as if they couldn't believe what came out of the other's mouth. And in a way, Mona couldn't believe what he'd just said. He always told her he was never going back. She wondered what had happened to change his mind. "You're going to Ireland?"
Something flashed in Niall's eyes, like he was still stuck two minutes in the past. "We can't do what anymore?"
Niall, again, tried to move closer, reach out, do something to console her sudden mood change, but once more, Mona recoiled. "This," she gestured vaguely at the library books surrounding them, "this," gesturing again between the two of them. "Whatever this is. We need to stop."
Now, when she met his eyes, he looked confused, but guarded in a way that reminded her of when they first truly interacted, at the cabin all those years ago. "What d'you mean?"
Mona huffed, twisting her fingers through the baby hairs at the nape of her neck in frustration. She'd been too distracted to comb it this morning, and her fingers caught in several unruly knots. "What are we doing? Why do we keep doing this to ourselves when it's obvious that it's going nowhere, this meaningless relationship?"
She couldn't keep the exasperation from her voice, and Niall reacted to it like he'd just sustained a blow. "Meaningless?" He scooted his chair closer but didn't reach out, instead leaning forward and hoping Mona didn't move away. "Mo, what are you talking about."
"I—" This was it, she was starting to panic. And there was nothing she could do to stop it. Tremors radiated throughout her entire body and she had to tamp down the nausea by swallowing quickly. "I—" She huffed at herself, angry at the way her cheeks suffused with heat. As tears pricked at her eyes, she really thought she was going to be sick. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath. "I can't do this anymore. I was fine. Everything was fine. And then you came along and now I can't stop feeling things and freaking out over every little thing."
She chanced a glance at Niall only to find him watching her with the most confused look in his eyes, and now a new feeling was crawling through her: stupidity. "Darlin', I really don't understand what you're saying."
She sunk into her chair, half wishing that it could just swallow her up so she wouldn't have to have this conversation with him. "I'm saying," she said, voice level, because she knew she was only a few breaths away from crying, "that I don't want to have sex with you anymore. Or cuddles or hand holding or sharing beds and kisses or any of it. Because now everything is complicated and my feelings are all over the place and I don't know where I stand with you or what I am to you and it kills me every single day. So I just want it to all stop."
She took a deep breath after her ramble, the heat in her face growing down her neck. When she looked at Niall again, something like realization flashed in his eyes. "No," he breathed, and she really wished he didn't look at her like that. "Mona, I—you—something is getting mixed up here because that's not—" He searched her eyes, those bright blue ones looking increasingly...mortified? Terrified? Mona wasn't sure. "Mo, I like you."
Mona felt like he'd just slapped her across the face. Her heart completely stopped, which probably explained why she did what she did next, because her brain took over from there. "You're just saying that because I want to end this thing we have."
Niall sucked in a breath, moving closer, and she didn't miss the urgency in his voice. "Mo," he tried to laugh, like this was all a joke, but it sounded more like a huff, "what are you—I really like you."
She wanted to scream at him or place her hands on his shoulders and give him a hard shake. Why couldn't he see what she was trying to tell him? "No you don't, Niall."
Now, his eyes blazed. He dragged her chair closer and turned it around so it was facing him, his hands slamming down onto the table top as he blocked off her other side with his legs so she wouldn't run away. He knew her too well. "How are you going to try and tell me how I feel?" He sounded completely offended, and she felt that stupid instinct to push him away because he was getting too close into those walls she'd so meticulously put up around herself over the years.
"Because I know that you don't!" She clenched her fingers into a fist and pressed them to her knees, as if that would calm her down. Suddenly, every instance in which she doubted him flashed through her mind, every instance which factored into her deciding that they would never work out together, that he would never feel the way she felt about him. "If you did then why did you buy drinks for that girl in Vegas? Why are you always flirting with girls at Connemara's? Why did you kiss Cleo?" Those last words ripped out of her. She hadn't exactly said them out loud before, and she felt like her heart was breaking into even more shreds. As she spoke again, her voice was quiet, broken. "Those aren't things you do when you like someone else."
Silence. It was deafening. Niall's face was pulled into complete shock, and she wondered if hers mirrored it. He opened and closed his mouth for a few moments, mouthing words except no sound would come out. A traitorous tear fell down Mona's cheek and she angrily wiped it away. She didn't want to be here anymore. She wanted to go and lock herself in her bedroom and possibly never come out. Finally, he whispered, "You saw that?"
He could've been talking about anything. But Mona had the feeling they were finally having the Cleo conversation. That moment in Connemara's was what kickstarted these tremoring nerves in her, and she would very much like not to have another panic attack over this again. Against her will, her lips started to wobble, and more tears started to spill from her eyes. Her hands shook more than she could even begin to control.
"Mona," Niall croaked. He looked as if he were about to cry too and she immediately averted her eyes. She couldn't look at him anymore. "You have to believe me even though I know you don't want to." He held both of her hands in his and willed her to meet his eyes. "That meant nothing I swear. I promise. It was just a mistake. I was drunk. Mona, please." There was a wild and desperate look in the bright blue, and at the sight of it, Mona found her brain becoming even more jumbled. She wasn't sure what was happening, what she was doing, why she was doing it. All she wanted was to stop her chest from hurting so bad. "Mona, I lov—"
"Don't say it." Her voice was hoarse, and again, she snatched her hands away from his grip. Her breath came out in stutters, and it was probably the lack of oxygen that had her brain feeling like it was ready to short-circuit at any moment. She needed to get out of here, away from Niall, so she could just think. Just process her feelings and this situation and think. "Do not say something you don't mean to me right now. Don't make this worse than it already is."
But Niall was adamant. He pulled her chair towards him and grabbed her face between his hands. "Don't do this," he whispered, begging. His fingers gently brushed her wild hair away from her eyes and he held her as if she was made of glass. "I know this is a lot and I know that you're hurt but we can talk about it and it'll all make sense, I promise."
She couldn't. Do. This. She couldn't breathe. She needed to go away away away, far from Niall, where she could find some oxygen and some quiet and just think. "I don't want to talk!" she hissed, shoving his hands away, the tears spilling down faster and more frequently, and she was starting to hyperventilate. It felt like the walls of the library were closing in on her. She needed to get out of there. "This hurts, Niall! Can't you see? This hurts and I can't do it anymore. It's too much. Too much."
"Mona." But it was too late. She was already grabbing her bag and shoving books back inside of it. A stupid sob left her lips and that was all she needed to spin around on her heel and get out of there. "Mona!" Niall called out after her, but she was already running. Running, between the shelves of books and down the stairs and through the hallway and out the door. Running, all the way down the street and through the little park at the corner and not stopping until she tripped over a branch and had to sit down at a bench to pull splinters out of her hands.
She didn't know how long she sat there but she vaguely registered her phone blowing up with calls and texts. She didn't dare look to see who they were from.
It was quite strange. Just a few days ago she was happy and laughing with Harlow's family in San Francisco, and now, she was sitting here, in New York, wondering how on earth it felt like her life had turned completely upside down since then. She started at her hands, twisting her fingers together as she tried to figure out what to do.
Her mehndi stain was starting to fade. But if she looked closely, she could still make out Niall's name, swirled intricately into the curves of a flower petal. She remembered Pari's words as she worked on Mona's hands with her henna cone— "I know enough about you two to root for you and you're not gonna let my dreams die."
Mona gulped. She didn't know how she was going to tell Pari that there would be nothing to root for now.
Her phone buzzed again, this time with a phone call, and when she looked at it, she was not surprised to see Niall's contact photo smiling at her. She didn't know what it was, if it was the breeze lightly tickling her cheeks or the fact that she felt like she probably had nothing more to lose, but she answered it.
"Mo," Niall rushed out, without waiting for a greeting from her. "Please listen carefully and do not hang up the phone." She huffed at that. He knew her way too well, but there was a sort of pleading in his voice that kept her hanging on to his every word. "I know you're upset and you probably have every right to be." He sounded out of breath, like he had been running somewhere. "It's been really weird and complicated between us, I know, but...you're upset because—because—" He huffed, and she heard clattering on his end as if he'd dropped something. "Because you have feelings for me too, right? And you don't know where we stand."
She felt her face heat up. She hoped he wasn't mocking her because that would just have been cruel.
"Mo, you there?" There was a twinge of something like panic in his voice now.
"Yeah," she got out, her voice hoarse.
"Okay," he breathed. "Meet me at the place this all began. And I promise this will all make sense and everything will fall into place." All the background noise stopped, and it sounded as if he'd gone into a building or someplace quiet. "Nothing happened with Cleo and I don't even feel anything for her like I feel for you but just—just meet me there and I'll explain everything."
Mona closed her eyes. There was a lot to unpack in his words and she had no idea where to even start to make sense of it all. Thoughts were whizzing around in her head like crazy, and she was starting to feel a bit scatter brained.
"Mona," Niall got out when she didn't say anything, and this time, he sounded desperate. "Please say something? Please?"
But she didn't know what to say. Her throat was as dry as ever as she gulped a few times, searching for words to string together. But nothing came to mind.
On the other side of the line, wherever he was, Niall sighed. "Okay. If you're not there by half past five...I'll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I'll leave you alone. For good." She gasped softly. "Please, Mo," he whispered before he hung up, leaving her alone with her thoughts again.
The sounds of the city surrounded her, honking cars and buses driving past and people walking on the sidewalk talking on their cellphones all melding together to create a collective din she could only associate with New York. But there was only one sound ringing relentlessly in her ears: the sound of Niall's voice.
If you're not there by half past five, I'll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I'll leave you alone. For good.
Alone for good? Mona's pulse skyrocketed at the thought. She could hardly even imagine a world without her sunshine boy in it.
Suddenly, she started to walk again. She didn't know where her feet were taking her. All she knew was that she just needed to move, just needed to have something to do to distract her from her agonizing thoughts. Distantly, she realized that walking around aimlessly would not help her case for long, that she'd need to give Niall an answer by half past five, but all she really wanted at the moment was for her brain to just stop. She needed to be able to get someplace quiet where she could sort out all of her conflicting emotions and make a rational decision.
She rolled her eyes at herself. This should've been a no-brainer. Then what was stopping her?
As she passed near the library again, she found her answer.
She was across the street but she could see him as clear as day. He was standing in front of the library doors, carding his fingers through his hair in a way she knew he only did when he was stressed out of his mind. The street was wide, with three lane traffic going in either direction and a median strip for pedestrians in the middle, so she only caught glimpses of him through the moving traffic, but she wondered if there was that telltale flush making its way up his neck.
And then it happened.
A cab stopped in front of the library and out came a familiar head of long blonde hair. Mona recognized Cleo instantly, especially as the cab drove away, her poise and confident stance unmistakable. Niall's shoulders slumped in what looked like relief at the sight of her, and even from where she was standing across the street, Mona could see the way the corners of his lips curved up slightly as he brought her in for a hug.
Mona felt a swoop in her belly, like she was at the top of a rollercoaster and then she was falling and falling without being able to prepare herself. Numbly, she looked away. She didn't want to see any more. She didn't even want to feel anymore. Like she'd been doing a lot lately, she did the one thing she was capable of: she walked away.
How cruel of Niall to ask her to give him a chance and then run right into the arms of Cleo! How foolish he must've thought she was! How was he going to run right to Cleo, when this whole issue was because of Cleo?!
Even the crisp April breeze could not cut through the heat she was feeling in her skin, the burn of anger and frustration and embarrassment and heartbreak. This was already hard, why did Niall have to go and make it infinitely more difficult? Why did he have to go and make her feel more than she even wanted to. She hated him in that moment, hated him and his bright blue eyes and his baseball mitt hands and his sickeningly sweet smile.
And then another voice in her head laughed so hard it sounded like a cackle, because even deep in her heart, she knew it wasn't even possible for her to hate her sunshine boy.
When she finally looked up to try and figure out where exactly she'd ended up while she was lost in her thoughts, she found that she had somehow made it to Connemara's. She twisted her wrist to check the time on her watch and figured that Jingle might be inside, doing paperwork or getting the place ready for tonight, so she placed a hand on the door and pushed her way inside.
The bells above the door chimed as she walked in, the sound all light and pretty and so unlike how she was feeling at the moment. Just as she was sliding herself up onto a barstool at the counter, Jingle's orange head of hair appeared as she peered out from the corner to see who had just entered her bar, even though it was clearly closed.
"Oh, Mona," she got out once she'd realized it was her. She rounded the counter to lock the front door and then made her way back to stand in front of her. "What a surprise."
Though in Jingle's perpetually monotone voice, it didn't really sound like she was surprised at all.
Mona shrugged, at a loss for what to say. "Just stopping by to say hello," was what she managed to come up with.
In hindsight, she realized that she probably only walked into Connemara's that day because she knew Jingle, like Zayn, wouldn't be afraid to call her out on her bullshit. So Mona wasn't surprised when she scoffed, sending her a wry look through her orange bangs as she made herself comfortable on the high stool behind the counter. "Yeah, you know I don't believe that so why don't we just cut to the part where you tell me why you're upset."
Mona frowned, unable to keep her lips from wobbling. Even verbalizing it into words seemed painful beyond belief. "Can I have a drink first?" she mumbled into her hand as she slumped into the counter.
Jingle watched her warily, mimicking her pose. "Why don't you tell me what's bothering you first and then I'll see if you deserve a drink."
This time Mona was the one sending Jingle a look. She hated that everyone knew her so well. After a brief silence, where they both simply stared at one another, willing the other to break down, Mona was the one to sigh through it. Clearly, Jingle wasn't going to budge. "I basically just broke up with Niall," was what came out of Mona's mouth. Obviously, Jingle knew they weren't together, but that was sure as hell what it felt like, a messy breakup. "A best friend breakup."
Mona didn't have to look up to know Jingle was glaring at her. "Now why the hell would you do that? That was dumb."
Mona groaned, burying her face into the curve of her elbow as she crossed her arms together on the counter. "I didn't come here to be insulted, Jingle."
Maybe it was the way her voice came out, all shaky and muffled, but Jingle placed a gentle hand on her arm, coaxing her up. "You know I'd never be anything but honest with you." Mona looked up to see a rare look of what she could only describe as protective and understanding dawn on Jingle's face. "So I mean it with love when I say that you're a fucking dumbass." Mona rolled her eyes, slumping into her hands again. "C'mon. Tell me what happened."
So she did. Mona spilled her heart out to Jingle in a way she hadn't done with anyone else. She described in detail the morning she'd had and why she did what she did, even explaining her deepest emotions and how conflicted she felt over them because of the mixed signals she was receiving from Niall. When she was done, big fat tears were rolling down her face, a pile of tissues overflowing in a bin near her feet, and Jingle slid her a rum and coke for her efforts.
She didn't know why it was so easy to talk to Jingle. Perhaps it was because she knew that there would be no judgement, that whatever Jingle thought, she'd say it right away. It also helped that she was a good listener, allowing Mona to pour her feelings out onto her bar counter without saying a word.
"You know," Jingle got out once Mona had downed half of her drink and sapped away all of the lingering tears with a tissue. She seemed lost in thought, stirring her own drink with a straw. "I don't really know what to say to you," she said honestly, but really, Mona didn't mind. She didn't come here for advice. She just needed someone to talk to. Someone with an unbiased opinion. "Obviously you're both being stupid in this situation, and I agree that the signals he's sending you are a little weird, but, I don't know. I really don't."
There was silence for a while, save for Mona sniffling occasionally. She once again thought of Niall's last words to her on the phone earlier: If you're not there by half past five, I'll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I'll leave you alone. For good.
The 'for good' was blinking like strobe lights in her brain. She had wanted this to be as painless as possible. But could that even have happened when their lives were so intertwined as they were?
Finally, Jingle was breaking the silence. "So where did he say he wanted you to meet him again? Are you gonna go?"
"I don't know," she huffed. "He just said 'the place where it all began.' I don't even know what that—" But then her thoughts started to run wild. He obviously couldn't have meant the cabin because that was too far away. But then she realized that he must have been talking about the night she first kissed him. That was when things started to build between them, when dormant feelings started to grow in her chest and she started to notice him more. And that happened at... "The Empire State Building," she said aloud, her voice a whisper.
Jingle huffed out a laugh. When Mona looked up at her, her eyes were twinkling, a soft smile on her face. "Well what are you waiting for then?" She gave her an urgent look. "Go and get your boy!"
But Mona simply shook her head. There was something keeping her on this barstool, and as she mulled on it, she realized that it was Cleo. And not only Cleo, it was doubt. She just didn't believe Niall needed to be with her. She still thought he would be happier with someone like Cleo. Someone with no baggage. "Jingle," she sighed, "I'm not the one he should be with." She ignored the resulting groan she received. "You haven't seen the way he looks at Cleo."
Jingle rolled her eyes. "No, I haven't. But I've seen the way he looks at you." When Mona looked up again, Jingle was leaning over the counter, eyes blazing. "Now you listen to me, Mona Shaw. You better get your ass out of my bar and go to Empire State to tell that boy how you feel." She reached out to place a hand over Mona's, voice going soft. "Because I promise you, you won't be disappointed."
Mona sucked in a breath, willing herself not to cry again. "But—"
Jingle wasn't having any of it. "You two are made for each other." She paused, as if turning over her words carefully in her head, and then after a moment, she sighed. "Okay, listen," she shuffled closer to the counter on her stool, leaning over the counter as if she were telling Mona a secret, despite the fact they were the only two people in the place. When she spoke again, her voice was low and measured. "I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told him one day, when he was in here, on the same stool you're sitting on right now, with the same look on his face." Mona didn't know why, but something about that startled her. "People who are just friends don't look at each other the way you two do."
Mona's mind ran wild. Jingle had this conversation with Niall? When? Why?
If Jingle noticed her shock, she didn't say anything. Instead, she trudged on. "You two are so lucky to have each other. And I really mean that sincerely." Mona knew she was telling the truth, because Jingle was looking at her imploringly, her eyes widened in such intense emotion and honesty that Mona felt all the wind get knocked out of her. Because Jingle Connemara was giving her a reality check. One that she didn't even know she needed. "The way you two look at each other?" she huffed out a laugh, eyes glazed over as she thought of a distant memory, "Reminds me of my parents. And they were in love. This crazy, blinding, passionate, but understanding kind of love. When I was younger, I used to wish I could find a love like they had."
There was this soft smile on Jingle's face, and it made her look years younger. So much younger that Mona could imagine her as a small child, without the orange hair and the tattoos and the piercings. She could imagine her smiling and laughing with her parents, having a happy, perfect life. Mona knew that Jingle's mother had passed away years ago, and that it had been hard on Mr. Connemara. But this new insight into her life had her reeling.
Jingle seemed to catch herself, and when she looked at Mona this time, she was resigned. "What you and Niall have? That's so special. Please don't throw that away. You guys make each other better. I mean, can you honestly sit here and say you're the same person as you were before you met him?" The truth behind Jingle's words washed over her. Both Mona and Niall were completely different people now compared to a year ago. But was it because of each other? "Because I can tell you that you have completely changed. For the better. Well...minus the last three months or so because then you started to overthink everything." Mona huffed, and Jingle sent her a look that shut her up again. "You know that you love him, and I'm telling you that he has feelings for you too, though what they are, that's up to him to tell you. So what exactly is stopping you? Why are you here and not at Empire State where he's waiting for you?"
Mona took a deep breath, letting out a shuddery exhale. How could she explain to Jingle what she couldn't even explain to herself? How could she explain to Jingle and Harlow and Zayn and Harry and Liam and Niall—sweet wonderful Niall—that everything she loves somehow gets destroyed?
There was a tear in Jingle's eyes, and the sight of it had Mona's lips wobbling again. "Listen to me Mona," Jingle got out, squeezing her hands, her voice wavering. "If you don't get the hell out of my bar and catch that train to Empire State right this moment, I am going to fire you." Mona startled at that, and it was so unexpected and so unironically Jingle that she just couldn't help but laugh. Jingle chuckled too, and she rounded the counter to press her hands to Mona's shoulders, gently shoving her in the direction of the door. "You laugh but I mean it! I will fire you! I'm not going to just sit around and watch you ruin the chances of the couple I've been silently rooting for for the past year."
Mona giggled. Her mind suddenly seemed clear with conviction. "Okay, okay, I'm going!" She let Jingle push her all the way to the doorframe before she turned around, brows waggling as she remembered something she'd been wanting to say to her for a while. "By the way...I know about you and Harry."
Jingle looked stunned for a moment before she started to laugh. Like, really laugh, in a way Mona had never seen before. It was honestly a sight. Her face lit up, orange hair seemingly glowing, and Mona almost wished she'd do that more often. Jingle whipped a hand towel against Mona's behind, laughing again at the way Mona yelped out the door. "Get the hell out of here, Mona Shaw! Go get your boy!"
And then, for the second time that day, Mona was running. But she was also laughing and breathing easily, hurrying down the streets to get to the subway entrance.
She was going to go get her sunshine boy.
~
4:45 PM.
Mona's heart was beginning to race. How did time get so far ahead of her?
The trains were experiencing delays, and she was suddenly reminded of how much she loathed public transportation in the city.
She tried texting Niall so he wouldn't think that she was standing him up, but she didn't have any signal underground, and she didn't dare try to run upstairs to get service in case she missed the train. So, she was stuck, anxiously waiting for the train while silently hoping that she'd get to Niall in time.
She found an empty space on a bench and sat, trying to keep her breathing nice and calm. The last thing she wanted was to freak out on the subway. She closed her eyes and counted to ten in her head, timing her breaths to the numbers. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.
Niall's words were running on loop in her head and it was driving her insane. "If you're not there by half past five, I'll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I'll leave you alone. For good."
She glanced at her phone, feeling jittery. 5:00 PM.
Damnit!, she thought to herself, fingers trembling. She didn't know how the hell she was going to get there in half an hour. She was beginning to brainstorm alternative options when, finally, the train arrived. A sigh of relief left her lips as she hurried into a crowded car.
As the train started to move, she closed her eyes again, starting her counts and breathing accordingly. It'll all be fine, she tried to tell herself. But her reassurances did little to slow her heartbeats. A terrible feeling started to creep up her windpipes that, for the life of her, she couldn't shake. She refused to let the negative thoughts cross her mind, hoping with every ounce of her heart that she got there on time.
Niall's voice echoing 'for good' was ringing in her ears and she nearly pressed her hands against the sides of her head to will it to stop. But she caught herself. She couldn't have a breakdown in the middle of a crowded train, she just couldn't. That would be a new low, even for her.
By some stroke of luck, the train was at Mona's stop and she bounded out, glancing at her phone as she exited the subway and made her way to the stairs. 5:20 PM.
She bolted her way up the stairs, not allowing herself to stop, even for a breath. There was still time. There was still hope.
She got all the way up the stairs only for a security guard to stop her, telling her that they were closing off that particular exit due to construction and she'd have to take the other stairwell. Mona groaned, not even bothering to give him a piece of her mind—why the hell didn't they close off the stairs at the bottom then!—because she needed to go and she was running out of time.
Her fingers desperately clutched her phone, flashing the screen on again as she ran up the other set of stairs. 5:23 PM. She was starting to go crazy.
By the time she made it above ground, she realized it was raining. She didn't have a hood or an umbrella, but she didn't care, instead running through the block towards the entrance to the observatory deck. She was running out of time. She was starting to feel Niall slipping through her fingers.
When she finally, finally, got there—5:27 PM—she was being stopped by yet another guard. "I'm sorry, miss, but the observatory deck is closed today."
"Closed?" she echoed breathlessly. She didn't wait for him to answer before she was spinning around again, frustratedly running her fingers through her hair which had somehow come undone on her journey. There had to be some mistake. Where did Niall want to meet her then?
Panic was beginning to flare up inside her. She knew for a fact this was the place Niall had meant for her to end up, could feel it in her bones that he was around here somewhere. But where?
5:30 PM. And then the light of the screen of her phone flickered out, the battery drained.
She nearly threw it into the street in her frustration. Her luck was absolute shit today. How on earth was she going to contact Niall now. From the corner of her eye, she spotted a pair of pay phones. One looked as if it were damaged, but the other looked perfectly fine. She dug into the pockets of her jeans and her fingers closed around a few bits of change.
A tiny flicker of hope sparked within her again and she ran towards the pay phone. She was nearly there when she saw him, that familiar head of blond, nearly brown, hair, glasses perched on his nose. "Niall!" she called out, feet immediately taking her towards him. It was pouring now, raindrops seeping into her clothes and drenching her. She wiped away the water from her eyes and continued to run.
He was getting into a cab. No, she thought desperately. Please see me. Please notice me.
"Niall!" she called again, screaming this time. There was a fire burning up her throat, the fear threatening to paralyze her. But still, she continued to run. He couldn't see her, nor could he hear her, the hustle and bustle of the area blaring all around them. Cars and trucks were honking. Somewhere, a fire truck's sirens were wailing. Her sunshine boy was slipping away.
She called his name again and again and again but he had already gotten into the cab and it was pulling away from the curb. It felt like she was in a nightmare, but the pain from the stich in her side that she'd gotten from running was telling her that this was very much real life. "No," she whimpered as the cab weaved through the traffic and drove off, away and out of sight. No.
But she had to face the facts. As her chest burned and the rain soaked her skin, she realized something that would probably haunt her for the rest of her life:
She was too late.
~
Mona didn't realize she'd gotten back to her apartment complex until she was pressing the button for the elevator.
She felt numb, going through the motions in a daze. Her skin was soaked through from the rain and she was shivering, but none of that seemed to matter.
If you're not there by half past five, I'll consider it that you want nothing else to do with me, and I'll leave you alone. For good.
She was too late. Niall was going to leave her alone. For good.
She didn't even know how she was breathing through the absolute agony in her chest. Her clothes were dripping onto the floors of the elevator car, and the sound of it was probably the only thing keeping her tethered to reality. As she listened to the methodical drip, drip, drip of the water, all she could think about was Niall and his bright blue eyes and his dazzling smile and how she probably broke his heart today.
When she got to her floor, she headed straight for his apartment, wondering if he made it home. Perhaps he would forget about 'for good' and let her explain why she was late and that she nearly caught him before he hurried into his cab. Perhaps he would give her a chance.
No such luck though. Because the person opening the door was not Niall, it was Liam.
Mona would have preferred it if Liam had yelled at her, if he was angry at her, if he insulted her for breaking Niall's heart. Instead, those big brown eyes reflected utter disappointment, and that hurt her more than anything else.
"Niall?" she asked, voice hoarse. She had wanted to cry but no more tears would come out. Even her body was disappointed in her.
Liam simply shook his head. Now, his expression was drawn in pity. There was something about it that had her swaying on her feet, feeling slightly faint. "I'm really sorry, Mo," he said quietly, and he sounded so sad. "He said he wanted to be left alone."
She nodded numbly at him, too shocked from the day's events to manage anything else, and she turned around to make her way into her own apartment.
"Mo?" Liam was calling out to her, but she didn't have the energy to face him. Instead, he came to her, standing in front of her. A list of things he could've said crossed her mind. You really fucked up, Mo, or I expected better from you, Mo or You don't deserve him, Mo. But he said none of those things. Instead, he gathered her to his chest, arms tightening around her in one of his warm, strong hugs, and he said, "It's all going to be okay, Mo."
She nodded silently against his chest.
She really hoped he was right.