Trigger warning : loss. BSL - bold. (Kindly comment as you read, comments go such a long way, you have no idea how your words matter to me, thank you x)
Blue weakly flutters her eyes open and instantly places her palm over his cold counterparts. He jerks awake with a low grunt and looks relieved to see her up.
"B-Blue...," he breathes out, relieved.
They instantly embrace each other and he buries his face into the crook of her neck, fighting tears of anxiety and relief.
Blue softly inhales the familiar scent that makes her feel safe and that feels like home.
His curls lightly tickle her face and she slowly pulls away from the hug. It takes her a second to register that she's in a hospital ward and she's wearing a pale blue hospital gown. There's an IV taped to her hand and everything feels a little woozy.
The last thing she remembers was a painfully heavy period and passing out in the kitchen. Blue looks at Harry and shakily exhales. The man is tired and it's easy to tell from the dullness of his usually heightened eyes.
He brings his hand to gently rub her knee, giving her a weak smile. She brings her fingers to caress his beautiful face and tenderly press a kiss on his forehead.
A part of her wonders if he struggled to get her through the emergency unit, but there are other things to worry about.
"How are you?" she signs with a smile.
"I'm the one asking questions around here," he smiles, unable to hide his joy in seeing her awake.
"Tired and confused. Why am I here?" she asks, choosing to remain calm.
"You had a fall after complaining about cramps," he explains.
"Have you been able to talk with the doctor?" Blue frowns a little.
"It's been rough, but they found an interpreter for me," Harry forces a smile.
Blue nods in understanding and pulls him closer by the arm. Harry calmly sits next to her on the small bed, allowing her to rest her head on his shoulder and she keeps rubbing his arm. Something she does when the anxiety starts building up. He repeatedly presses warm kisses into her curls as they wait.
Some minutes after, a middle aged doctor waltzes in with an apologetic facial expression that Harry instantly registers.
"You're finally up. That was a long 12 hours, was it?" the man speaks.
Harry frowns a little and waves his hand to get the doctor's attention.
"Where's the little woman from last night?" he asks.
"He needs an interpreter," Blue speaks up.
"Blimey, Flora!" the doctor calls out.
A smallish woman in bright floral scrubs rushes in and stands right next to the doctor with a super warm smile. It's either fake or this woman loves her job with her life.
"Hello, who needs me today?" She speaks and signs.
"That's me," Harry signs at her.
"Hi there, I'm Nurse F-L-O-R-A," she smiles at him.
"H-A-R-R-Y," he replies, not smiling just yet.
"Sorry I wasn't here earlier, the children's ward is so busy today," Flora explains.
"You need more professionals that can sign, deaf people use the hospital too, you know?" Harry is a little irritated at the system.
Flora turns to the doctor with a frown and continues signing as she verbally speaks to him.
"Didn't I tell you that we needed more interpreters here? I can't be the unicorn, I have an actual job in the children's ward," she tells him.
"We're working on it, tell we're sorry about the inconvenience," the doctor sighs.
"Just tell us what's going on with my partner," Harry presses on.
"Yes, I'm so confused. I don't even know why I'm here," Blue winces a little and touches her lower belly.
The nurse keeps her focus on Harry and he keeps going from her fingers to Blue's facial expressions. Anything to track this conversation.
"Alright. What do you remember before your fall?" The doctor sounds sympathetic.
"Terribly painful period cramps and heavy flow, the heaviest I've ever had," she shrugs.
"I'm sorry but it wasn't just any heavy flow," the man says.
"What does that mean?" she reaches out to hold Harry's hand and he instantly holds onto her hand.
The doctor braces himself to speak.
"You miscarried and the loss of blood caused you to lose consciousness, I'm so sorry," he explains.
It feels like the world freezes for Blue and she gulps, replaying the words over and over again in her head. She tightens her grip on Harry's hand and he feels how tight she's holding onto him.
The nurse shows more empathy as she interprets what's being said to him and he feels like their world has come to a weird pause.
"I was pregnant?" Blue says the P word in disbelief.
"I know this is a lot to process. We can recommend -"
"No, just stop." Blue snaps a little.
Harry quickly turns to her and studies her extremely broken features. She's still holding onto him and looking like she's cringing into herself.
"We will give you some space," the nurse speaks and signs at the same time.
"Thank you," he replies.
The doctor and nurse leave.
In silence, Blue instantly grabs onto Harry and hugs him like her whole life depends on it at this moment. He brings his arms to wrap around her frame and holds onto her, allowing her to cry her heart out. He cannot hear the crying but he can feel the soft vibrations of her sounds and the rapid beating of her heart against his chest.
They stay there in silence as they mourn what they never wanted.
-
"Mango, you're too stubborn for me," Harry signs at the uninterested cat.
Harry adjusts the pillow in the warm bedroom of their shared flat and calmly carries Mango off the bed for the third time in 15 minutes. He gives her a warning look and the cat comfortably walks out of the room.
The water stops gushing out of the tap and Blue steps out of the bathroom, wearing his t-shirt and pairing it with her silk night shorts with a silk scarf neatly tied on her head. Harry calmly reaches out his hand to her and she takes it with a small smile.
He pulls her close and holds onto her for a few seconds.
"It feels good to be back in my own room," she breaks the silence.
"I changed the sheets and brought out your new candles," he says with a smile.
"How sweet. Where's Mango? Did you two fight again?" she giggles.
"That cat likes to stress me out, I sent her off for our privacy," he replies.
"Thanks my love," Blue sighs, staring at him.
"Dinner arrived some minutes ago," he tells her.
"You haven't said a thing since we got home," she stares at him.
"I don't ever say a thing," he tries a joke.
"You're not funny," she rolls her eyes.
"Sorry, I'm just trying to be there for you. This is hard on you," he clears his throat.
"This is a shared loss, okay? Please, don't feel excluded," she explains.
The biggest thing that's hanging over their heads is how they were always certain about not wanting to have children. Blue has always known since she was a teenager that she didn't want to be a mother and Harry just never wanted kids. Sometimes he's not sure if it's because of his disability or if he's just not into it.
Either way, they're certain of what they don't want. The why doesn't have to be set in stone. Facing a miscarriage after settling into that decision as a couple is one of the strangest ways life throws jokes at you and now they have to reevaluate their choices.
Harry has always been the awkward Uncle and godfather. A lot of kids don't exactly communicate well with him. He struggles with the children he's surrounded by and sometimes he withdraws into his shell because he's unable to be the fun uncle.
One time a child went out of her way to tell him she didn't like hanging out with him because he was boring and "couldn't speak clearly" with her and that hurt. These days he prefers babies because they're easier to relate to and they aren't particularly rude.
Harry feels Blue nudge him and he realises that he's been distracted by his thoughts.
"Fine. What do you want me to say?" he asks.
"Tell me how you're feeling," Blue signs as she speaks.
"I feel worried about you," Harry replies.
"Thank you but once again we're in this together," she reiterates.
"I'm shocked," he's honest.
"Me too. Very shocked," she exhales.
"That's all I have to say," he gives a weak smile.
Blue raises a suspicious eyebrow at that lopsided smile that always means he's a little uncomfortable about something. She brings her arms around him and pulls him closer to her, studying his facial features.
All of sudden, she's wondering what their child would have looked like.
A child of hers would have part of her features and part of his features, and that would be a complete blessing. It would have been the beautiful dimples or the big eyes filled with wonder or the crooked hearty smile. Maybe his deafness. Or his stubbornness. Or both. Certainly the anxiety because that's shared. It's amazing to imagine what a mini version of them would have been like.
Blue looks to see him staring at the bed and she smiles.
"Harry," a bad habit she will never drop, saying his name and knowing he won't react to it.
It's like a reminder that he has a name even though she hardly gets to say it out loud to him. He always jokes about wondering what his own name sounds like.
Suddenly, a random thought of her realising he will never hear their child say its first word shoots through her mind.
She gently touches his jaw and he turns to look at her.
"What are you thinking?" she asks.
"Do you want to have a child?" he asks, calmly.
"No. Has your mind changed?" she smiles.
"No. I want you to make a decision you're comfortable with," Harry explains.
"I know that's your fear but I'm still certain, no babies for me," Blue nods as she speaks.
"But are we still allowed to grieve this loss?" he asks, confused.
"I think so. We definitely have to bring it up during couple's counselling," she chuckles.
"Very true," he smiles a little.
Blue tenderly pulls him by the hand and leads him to their bed. They gently sit down on it, facing each other. Harry brings his palm to her belly and Blue places her palm over his.
"So strange, right?" she states.
"A b-baby," his upper lip quivers as he speaks.
The disbelief is slightly overwhelming. Just two days ago, she was excited to get her period only for things to take a wild turn some minutes later. Now the only thing she truly feels is relief.
"I feel a little guilty," she confesses.
"About what?" he asks.
"Guilty about the whole loss, you know," she tries to explain.
"But you didn't know," he frowns, worried.
"Yes, but still. The feeling is just there and I don't like it," Blue shrugs and looks away.
Harry lightly taps her to get her attention.
"How can I be there for you? Just tell me and I'll do my best," he asks.
"Okay, what if I decide I want a baby down the line?" she breathes out.
"Then, we'll have a baby. There's something to take away from this experience," he replies.
"What is that?" she blinks at him, fighting her tears.
"We have to be open to whatever happens. I love you no matter what and it's my intention to experience life with you, no matter how weird and shocking it gets," Harry explains.
Blue softly sobs and nods in agreement. Life has been weird and shocking in many little ways for the two of them.
"I love you too, baby, I really do." She manages to say through ugly tears.
"Why are you crying?" He is a little perplexed.
"I guess I'm still hormonal but I feel so lucky I'm getting to experience life with you and nobody else," she explains.
Harry pauses and dramatically points at her. "M-My baaaaaby,"
"Yes! I'm your baby," she laughs and sniffs.
He brings his palm to gently wipe away her tears and she reciprocates by pressing a warm kiss to his lips.
They pull away from the kiss and he cups her face, admiring the beautiful woman the world has blessed him with. Another kiss on the forehead and he gives her a smile.
"You have to eat something," he repeats.
"What did you order?" she asks, a little calmer.
"Korean and Jamaican, a feast," he replies, excited.
"You're so extra, that's enough food for the weekend," she chuckles.
"Yes, because we're doing nothing for the weekend," he smiles in pride.
"Yes! Lazy days with my fave," Blue does a little dance.
Harry gets an idea and quickly taps her before she steps out of the bed.
"What do you think about a little getaway? We could go to Bath for some days and switch off from the world," he suggests.
"Wow, I think it's a brilliant idea," she replies. "I can take some days off, can you?"
"Already requested for some days off, so I'm just waiting for my baby to decide," he wiggles his eyebrows.
"Oh, so you think you're smooth, man?" she playfully nudges him.
"Pack your bags and let's go away together my love," Harry unintentionally giggles out loud and grabs her for a hug.
They collapse on the bed with her on top of him and she stares at him before leaning in for another kiss. The kiss lasts longer than the previous one and she pulls away. Blue stares at him and pushes his curls away from his face.
"Thank you for loving me." Blue says, smiling at him.
"Thank you for choosing me." Harry replies, content.