It's Friday, grand final is tomorrow and Harry has been so different all week, he's been walking around here as if the lights are on but no one is home. He has this distance in his eyes and he seems to be distancing himself from everyone.
He's been turning up to all of his classes, and coming to rehearsal, but he just I don't know, he's different. I can't quite put my finger on it, but he's just different.
I've been sitting here in my bed contemplating calling Harry, I've also been contemplating calling Kasey, she seems to be close enough to him after our last chat, I wonder if he had been confiding in her this past week.
Someone needs to make sure he has his head screwed on right for tomorrows game, but it's about more than that, I need to make sure he's okay, just for his sake. I don't like it when he is like this.
I turn suddenly when I hear my door opening to see Hollie standing there looking almost terrified.
"Hey kiddo, you alright?" I ask her, gesturing her to come sit with me.
She walks up holding her blanket tight in her hand and sucking on her thumb. "I miss mummy" she whimpers.
I let out a long exaggerated breath. I didn't know how to fix that one for her. I wish I could, more than anything I wish I could bring our mum back to them right now. With everything going on, and graduating high school this year, I found myself not making any plans for my future, these girls are my future. I didn't trust them with dad, to make sure they would be okay, to have everything they need. But I also don't want to build up any resentment towards them.
"Oh honey, I miss her too. I miss her more than anything." It was strange though, she died in childbirth so I didn't know how to comfort the girls when they missed her. As it wasn't a physical person they were missing, rather the idea of a mother. Every little girl needs her mum.
"Tell me again what she was like?" She asked me on a low voice. The story that her and Pip heard many times before, one they never got tired of hearing, one I never got tired of telling.
A smile gently crept its way across my face as 1000 memories come flooding back through my mind. "Well she was exactly like you, beautiful, smart, caring, gave the best cuddles just like you, she was an amazing mum, and she was so excited for you and Pip to be born. I found her often talking to you. Should sit in the Princess Bed that's in your room, she would tell you stories that all the things you would be, she loves you both so much."
"Is it my fault she's dead?" Her question caught me off guard.
"Why would you say something like that?" I gasp at her.
"They say mummy died giving birth to us. Does that mean if I wasn't born, mummy would still be alive.?" she asks in a saddened tone.
How long earth do you answer a question like that? The logical behind it is, yeah that's true they were complications during birth that were out of everyone's control but I also know mum, she would've willingly given up her life for those two girls, for any of us three, it's just the type of person she was.
"Was never your fault Hollie, don't think that. It wasn't because you were born that she died. That was just the last thing she wanted to do before it was her time. She wanted more than anything for you and Pip to live, so it was the last thing she made sure she did before she joined Nanny and Poppy up in heaven."
"Do you think she watches us?" My smile got a little bit wider, only because it's something I think about often.
"Cause she does! She's always watching, she would be so proud of you and Pip. She's always with us Hollie, even when we can't see her, just close your eyes and she'll be there."
I feel her nod against my chest from where she was cuddling into me, but I could feel her body going limb. "Come on now, let's get you back into bed"
I replace one hand on the lower of her back and another one below her knees lifting her up and carrying her cradle style back into her room placing her down on the bed next to Pip. They snuggle close together with their foreheads almost touching, a position the two of them had been in since they were born. They slept like this is newborns, and continue to do so. I'm glad they had each other.
I shut the door quietly, leaving just a little gap to let the light flooding from the hallway. Go back to my room gather my jacket, I've decided to head over to Harry's place. Whatever is going on, he is different. I don't know what's going on between he and I at the moment, but that's nothing new, I never know. But I do know he needs me right now.
So I pull up out the front of Harry's house and I can see that his light is on in his room but for the rest of the house is in darkness. There is a tree beside Harry's house that leads up onto the balcony in front of his room. Harry had often snuck me up there earlier on in our relationship when we want to late night visits.
I hoist myself up onto the different branches until finally reaching the top, climbing over the railing of the balcony, landing 2 feet softly on the wooden palings below. I can see Harry sitting on his bed, his back up against the headboard, reading a book. I never saw Harry read, its something that I thought he didn't enjoy.
I use the very tip of my index finger to place two quick taps into the glass door. Causing his head to immediately turn in my direction. I give a shy little wave and force a small smirk to come across my face, even though I know he's probably confused to see me.
"What are you doing here Louis?" He questioned as he opens the door
"Just thought we could have a chat. Haven't spoken to you all week." I quietly say as I enter his room following him in and sitting on the edge of his bed as he returns to his seat going straight back to the position in his book, ignoring my presence.
"I'm going to be at the game tomorrow if that's what you're worried about" he says in a sarcastic demeanour.
"I wasn't, wasn't worried about that. I was worried about you."
He doesn't look up at me, "worried about me?" He lets out a light chuckle that I know is so forced, "nothing to worry about here little bug. I'm just dapper."
"You said, you said what I think matters to you Harry. Did you mean that?" I ask him out of the blue. This time he does make eye contact with me, closing his book and placing it down next to him, shuffling his body to move closer to me. I can't help but feel the tightening in my lower stomach as he gets closer. Even when he's sad and he looks weak, he still has his hold over me.
"Yeah, I meant it"
"Goes both ways Harry. What you think, matters to me. So if there's something on your mind, something it's making you down, I want to help." I confess in a low tone.
There's a certain softness that comes across Harry's eyes. If I didn't know any better I'd say he was about to cry. But that's not the Harry that I know. But he does look like he's opening up to me, which is confusing me. I'm caught up when he reaches his hand over to mine which are placed in my lap. "Do you really mean that?" He asked me almost as low as a whisper.
"Of course I do Harry. I care about you, more than anyone, I want to help you." I reassure him turning my hand so I'm able to entangle our fingers together. Rubbing the course of my thumb up and down his palm.
He opens his mouth to speak but we were interrupted by headlights shining through his window. Harry's face drops as if he seen a ghost. He quickly runs out to the balcony to see who is here. Shit I hear him curse underneath his breath.
"Shit shit shit shit", he repeats as he comes back into the room pacing around quickly snatching his phone from the bedside table pushing through but for your buttons and hold it up to his ear. "Kasey stay there! Don't come out yet! Louis is here!"
He quickly hangs up and throws phone back down onto the bed "Louis you need to go." he almost shouts at me.
My mouth drops open at him "What do you mean I have to go? Why is Kasey here?"
"Louis, I can't explain, please, I just I need you to go, please." There's so much desperation in his voice. Something, something else going on here, something to do with Kasey.
"Harry, I don't understand." I lunge myself forward grabbing either side of his face and brushing my lips up against his "stop pushing me away" I whisper.
His eyes clench shut tightly. "Louis" he mumbles under his breath, "please I just need you to go I'm okay. Thank you for coming over, I really appreciate it. I mean it when I say I need you to go. Please, please, just go."
I let my hand slowly down from the sides of his face letting them fall between us. We only made eye contact for only a moment and we both look as hurt as each other. I don't know what it is, but looking at his face is like he doesn't want me to leave. It's like he needs me to leave.
"If that's what you want Harry. I'll go."
I walk back out to the balcony, climbing down the tree that I'd come up. I don't even go near Kasey's car. I felt like she was playing some game with me. To call me over to say that Harry cared about me and all the other bullshit she was feeding me and then to come to his house so late at night. It's like she was setting me up to fail. But she wanted to watch me get hurt.
Instead, I run across the other side the lawn back towards the direction of my house. Can't do this whiplash emotion any more.
Something needs to give.