[WHIZZER, spoken]
A day in Falsettoland
Dr. Mendel at work
[MENDEL]
I don't get it
I don't understand
"Mood."
In the '60s, everyone had heart
In the '60s, we were all a part of the same team
In the '60s, we had a new world to start
Could this-
Oh God, don't say it is-
Could this be the new world we started?
Here I sit, brokenhearted and...
[CAROLINE, spoken]
You go out on the street, and there's all these people asking for a handout. Then you go home, you open up your mail, and it's full of people asking for a donation. Then, you turn on the TV, and there's pictures of starving children in Ethiopia
[MENDEL, spoken]
And how does that make you feel, Diane?
[CAROLINE, spoken]
Caroline
[MENDEL, spoken]
Caroline?
[CAROLINE, spoken]
Yes, my name is Caroline
"That's awkward." Charlotte winces.
[MENDEL]
I don't get it
I've been left behind
Half my patients: Yuppie pagans
Modeled on the Ronald Reagans
Now the world is too pathetic
And I don't get it at all
[CAROLINE, spoken]
Now that I got the promotion, can I finally stop sleeping with my boss?
Jason groans at another mention of sex. (dude me too honestly)
[MENDEL, spoken]
Time's up!
[CAROLINE, spoken]
You always do this!
[The patient exits.]
[Trina enters, stretching, and dressed for a work out.]
Laughs fill the room, Trina included.
[MENDEL]
At least there's Trina at home
Trina in bed
Trina obsessing
"Mom what are you doing?" Jason asked raising his eyebrows.
"Shush you!"
And sort of caressing
My head with her feet
Cordelia snorts and then covers it with a cough.
I once thought it was sweet
But I don't anymore
Now I just snore
'Cause I'm so exhausted
Marvin chuckles at On Stage Trina causing actual Trina to slightly glare at him shutting him up.
Listening to these yuppie farts complain
Listening as their shallow hearts explain
Their lives
[CHARLOTTE, spoken]
Trina works it out
(i love the double meaning behind that; trina legitimately working out, but also working out what's going on with marvin and whizzer)
[TRINA]
Marvin's back with Whizzer
Just like how it was
If I don't like Whizzer
It's because my ex sure does
Why should that upset me?
The group laugh again at what On Stage Trina is doing.
Sometimes I'm a lout
Mendel serenades, and Jason calms me
Why should I be wilting
When their precious love is not in doubt?
Work it out!
[JASON, spoken]
The neighbors relax after work
[Cordelia enters with food. Charlotte enters their home.]
[CORDELIA]
How was your day at the hospital?
[CHARLOTTE]
Unbelievable
What is that smell?
[CORDELIA]
Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine
I've been practicing
Cuisine, bar mitzvah, nouvelle
[Cordelia hands Charlotte some food.
[CORDELIA, spoken]
Well?
Cordelia gasps, faking offence, "You spat it out when I left." Charlotte just shrugs and smiles.
Mendel joins Trina, now also dressed to work out.]
The group laugh again. (ah god, i feel like this is so repetitive. i'm sorry, i'll change it when i think of something)
[MENDEL]
How was your day?
[TRINA]
It was terrible
Did you hear that Marvin's back with Whizzer?
Marvin's back with Whizzer!
"It wasn't that big of a deal, was it?" Whizzer asks. Trina pretends not to hear him.
[MENDEL]
Drop it, sweetheart
Give it up
You know I love you
What's the matter, Trina darling?
I don't get it
Why can't you let go?
[TRINA]
Maybe in a mile, I'll be okay
I'll be happy when we finally have this bar mitzvah
[MENDEL]
Isn't it enough
I want you every night?
[TRINA, spoken]
Who?
[MENDEL]
Every other night?
[TRINA, spoken]
Me?
[MENDEL]
Every third night?
[Trina laughs]
[MENDEL, spoken]
Okay, let's drop it
(sung)
Everything will be alright
[TRINA]
Everything will be alright
[MENDEL & TRINA]
Everything will be alright
[Cordelia has just poured Charlotte a martini.]
[CORDELIA]
How was your day
At the hospital?
[CHARLOTTE]
It was wonderful
For the first time in months
Nobody died
Jade laughed. (that's actually pretty impressive tho,, for no one to die in the entire hospital 👏🏽)
[CORDELIA, spoken]
Yay..?
"Yeah, me too."
[CHARLOTTE]
There were just
Heart attacks and gallstones;
Light bulbs up the ass;
"How the fuck do you get a light bulb up the ass?" Issie questioned.
"Uh, language miss ma'am." Jade tells her off.
Fake appendicitis which was gas
Which I diagnosed;
People overdosed and I saved them
I saved young people, old people
One priest and one high school principal
At this point, Jade and Issie are miming along.
Saving lives, I feel invincible
Yes I do
Do you know how great my life is?
Do you know how great my life is?
Saving lives and loving you
[CORDELIA]
She save lives and I save chicken fat
How'm I supposed to deal with that?
Charlotte chuckles at that.
[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?
[CORDELIA]
Yes, I know how great your life is
[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?
[CORDELIA]
Yes, I know how great your life is
[CHARLOTTE]
Do you know how great my life is?
[CORDELIA]
Yes, I know how great your life is
[CHARLOTTE]
Saving lives
[BOTH]
And loving you [MENDEL & TRINA]
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
Everything will be alright
(idk what happened there 🥲)
[Marvin and Whizzer enter, dressed for Racquetball and holding racquets. Whizzer is all in white, looking great. Marvin is in baggy and colorful jams, looking baggy.
"Looking good Whizzer!" Cordelia cheered. Whizzer chuckled.
"Thank you!"
No ball is used; rather, when they make a shot, the racquet scrapes the floor and sounds like a ball ricocheting off a racquet. Their scene is played in the court. In the course of the scene, Whizzer decimates Marvin, as you would expect.]
[WHIZZER]
Ha
It bounced twice
[MARVIN]
No, it didn't
[WHIZZER]
Yeah, once, then twice
You know it did
[MARVIN]
That's not nice
[WHIZZER]
No, it isn't
But you're a pain in the ass
"Hah, in more ways then one-" Jade choked on their drink as Issie slapped them on the back. "Jesus Christ, are you tryna kill me..."
[MARVIN]
You're a beast
But, at least
When you play me, you win
[WHIZZER]
You give up
[MARVIN]
I perspire
[WHIZZER]
Where's the heat?
Where's the fire?
Used to be you desire
To fight!
So fight!
[MARVIN]
So play!
[Whizzer doesn't move an inch; he's in total control. Marvin is killing himself trying to get his racquet on the ball.]
[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!
[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!
[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!
[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!
[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!
[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!
[WHIZZER]
One-two-three-four!
[MARVIN]
One-two-three-four!
[Finally, by mistake, Marvin hits a good shot.]
[WHIZZER]
Lucky dink!
[MARVIN]
I'm finessing
[WHIZZER]
Something stinks in how you play
[MARVIN]
Don't you think it's a blessing
I'm so pathetically bad?
[WHIZZER]
Just stay back
Serve with force
I'll attack
And, of course
I will win
Just give in
To bliss
And kiss...
"Ugh God no, guys do you have to?" Jason rolled his eyes.
[MARVIN]
Let's go!
Do you know?
[WHIZZER]
Down the alley
[MARVIN]
All I want
[WHIZZER]
High lob
[MARVIN]
Is you
[WHIZZER]
Low drive
[MARVIN]
Anything you do
[WHIZZER]
Ceiling shot
[MARVIN]
Is all right
[WHIZZER]
Into the corner
[MARVIN]
Yes, it's all right
Do you know?
[WHIZZER]
Four walls
[MARVIN]
All I want is...
You
[WHIZZER]
Dink
"Awh, that was cute!" Cordelia squealed.
(marvin really went from 'i want it all' to 'all i want is you',, and that's on character development 🤩✨)
[WHIZZER, spoken]
What?
[MARVIN, spoken]
What?
[WHIZZER]
Uh..Hit your shoe
[MARVIN]
No, it didn't
[WHIZZER]
Yes it did
The game is through
[MARVIN]
That's not nice
[WHIZZER]
No, it isn't
[MARVIN]
God, you're a pain in the ass
[WHIZZER]
Play it raw
Don't play pretty
Sex and games
Someone groaned. (y'all know who lmao)
In New York City
Have got to be played with flair
And passion
And passion and flair
[MARVIN & WHIZZER]
Do you know
all I want is you?
Anything you do
is alright
Yes it's alright
[CHARLOTTE & CORDELIA]
Do you know how great my life is?
Do you know how great my life is?
Everything will be alright!
Everything will be alright!
(ah yes, wlw and mlm solidarity 😌)
[MARVIN, WHIZZER, MENDEL, TRINA, CHARLOTTE, CORDELIA (dispersedly)]
Everything will be alright!
Everything will
Everything will
The hosts go from miming to singing along.
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Everyone starts slightly dancing in their seats, Jade and Issie get out of theirs to full on dance.
Feel alright
Feel alright
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your
Rest of your
Everything will be alright!
Everyone cheered, Jade and Issie sat down with a sigh. "And from that moment on, everything was not alright." Jade said, grabbing a handful of popcorn. Issie gave them a glare, sipping her coke.