CHAPTER ELEVEN
butterfly's repose — part two
" 𝖈𝖆𝖙𝖈𝖍𝖚𝖕. "
𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐄 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐏𝐋𝐀𝐍𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐎 𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐒𝐋𝐄𝐄𝐏 𝐓𝐎 𝐑𝐈𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐅 𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐅𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 𝐓𝐇𝐀𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐃. The invasive queries, the unwanted theories that she couldn't quite shake away. Selene hated sleeping after a transformation. It always seemed to do the opposite of what it was supposed to do, which was essentially, to calm her nerves, bring her peace. Peace is a myth to Selene right now. And the fact that she is hoping sleep is going to soothe her frazzled brain is saying something. Because it is her last resort.
Madam Pomfrey insisted Selene spend another night in the hospital wing for further inspection, despite Selene's constant protests because she was itching to get back to class. For someone who already enjoyed school more than the average student, Selene was practically dying inside (which is normal, even though she isn't quite used to it ─ she doesn't think she ever will be) stuck staring at the folds of a hospital curtain that couldn't be any more dully coloured if it tried, when a new day dawned.
Remus Lupin, who ─ unknown to Selene ─ sits on the opposite side of the wing in (surprisingly enough) the exact same circumstances as the Ravenclaw and isn't much happier about it than Selene is. In fact, Remus is just as perplexed.
Remus chooses not to remember anything about his monthly transformations. Which sounds strange because no one chooses what they do or do not want to remember. But Remus has practised. He has since picked up a technique that grants him almost full control over his mind and memory centre, allowing him to block out and sensor what he chooses. Usually, that is anything and everything that happened from the afternoon to around about now. But Remus seems to have lost control ─ he no longer holds the ability to squeeze his eyes shut and forget about everything surrounding his transformation. Because one small detail ─ that may not be that small after all ─ holds him in a chokehold that he can't escape from.
Those sounds. He keeps hearing those sounds.
Remus' ability to rid his mind of the horrible memories of his transformations has (until two nights ago) been his salvation during the school year but even with that technique, he would have remembered the shrieks and cries of some non-human creature that reminded him so much of his own. He wracked his brain over and over again searching for an answer that just would not come. The possibilities could be endless; there had to be several different explanations. And what were the consequences of these explanations? What did it mean for him? What is going on?
If Remus kept thinking at speeds like this, this early in the morning, in this much pain, Madam Pomfrey would hold him hostage for the rest of the school year.
Thankfully, if there is one thing that Remus Lupin is rather good at is not facing the facts. He is a smart kid, but he is also perfectly happy staying in denial about this entire situation, which is probably best, considering all of the theories he might have are just going to keep him up at night and that's the last thing he needs after a transformation. His friends should be visiting again soon to give him the work he missed yesterday and today anyhow.
One of the worst parts about being a werewolf in Remus' opinion ─ despite the obvious slight inconveniences ─ is missing out on his Wizarding School experiences.
You could argue that due to transformations only happening once a month, Remus doesn't miss out on that much but he has evidence to suggest otherwise. For example, the hospital wing is located in a prime spot for FOMO. When the bell rings signifying the beginning and the end of class, Remus never fails to hear the bustling outside of the closed double doors from where he lies all day in a hospital bed. It's usual day-to-day chatter, some yawns and groans of complaint about whatever homework they just got set (nothing special, essentially) but, for the few days before and after a full moon, Remus never gets to experience it. It sounds strange seeing as he has done that routine many times and still does do it, but the odd cackling laughter and the thought of the Great Hall at full capacity at lunch, with steaming hot piles of food and jokes being passed around the table, sometimes makes him really wish that he wasn't a fucking werewolf.
He didn't know how long Madam Pomfrey would be keeping him confined to this one hospital bed this time around but he just wished it would all be over soon.
Having lived like this since he was four years old, Remus has learned the best techniques for surviving Lycanthropy. One being: always look for the silver linings. And hearing the bell sound at the end of a lesson he wasn't in did have a silver lining. It meant that at least one of his friends would be heading over to the hospital wing to deliver their notes for him to copy.
James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew had all since learned about Remus' condition and so have created an official schedule (with assistance from Madam Pomfrey) for who should be on delivery duty at what time on what days. Sometimes they didn't stick to it, which Remus liked because it usually meant that they all wanted to visit him together but still, the rest of the time, Remus still admired his friends' commitment to helping him around the clock.
The day before, his friends hadn't stuck to the usual schedule and had made an unexpected visit ─ Remus suspects it was because it was the first full moon of the school year ─ and those were his favourites. The times when he hadn't previously been looking forward to seeing them but saw them anyway. He truly was grateful for his friends sometimes.
It was the end of second period and Remus knew for a fact that none of his friends had another lesson until fourth, after lunch, which meant, not only is it likely that all three of them will visit him at once, but it also meant that, because it was their free period, they might even stay for the whole hour (probably just to copy the essay they hadn't done for Slughorn yet, but that's not the important point here). Silver linings always did their duty.
And so, awaiting his friends' (hopefully) imminent arrival, Remus stared into the folds of the curtain standing between him and the outside world. Time seemed to both fly by and drag on when he was in the hospital wing, almost like it didn't exist. Like time was an imaginary concept that stopped at the large brown double doors. Remus was well aware that he spent hours on end in the same bed, wallowing away in a depressing whirlwind of self-pity, envy and anger, but he was grateful that the timeline of his visits to the hospital wing became blurry. He had no sense of time passing, and everything just seemed to blend into one long sit. It didn't seem too long before the curtain was being swung to the side, to reveal a beaming James Potter, a grinning Sirius Black and a sheepish Peter Pettigrew.
"Hello mate," James whispered, as Sirius pulled the curtain to a close. They had all been educated on how to go about their visits to Remus considering there was another werewolf present in the same room. Of course, the four boys didn't know this. They were simply told not to draw attention to Remus whenever they were in the hospital wing, otherwise, other students might get suspicious. The boys were told to only ever talk at a normal volume (which for them was louder than the average teenager) when the curtain was drawn, and a silencing spell was under-go.
"Feeling better today, Moony?" Sirius asked. The standard protocol was to make sure Remus wasn't on his deathbed.
James and Peter sat on the end of his bed, and Sirius pulled up a chair, which he flipped in his hand, and sat on backwards. Remus shrugged in response, "A little."
The thing is ─ there was nothing "usual" about the most recent full moon.
Remus was tempted to tell his friends about what he had heard on the moors. He had been tempted to tell the day before too. And, if it weren't for the fact that the three boys hadn't decided to join him as their animagi two nights ago (first-month-school-stress, they said. Remus understood ─ he already hated feeling like an inconvenience, so he was almost glad that they chose not to transform with him), Remus might have discussed the strange noises with them. But he felt like he shouldn't bother them with it. There wasn't much point considering it was probably nothing but Remus overthinking.
Remus readjusted his seating position, fluffing up the pillow behind his back so it stood up straighter. His friends couldn't read his mind ─ they didn't know about all of the worried thoughts that whizzed about up there, so he needn't bother them. Remus felt as though a change of subject was best. "I think the real question is how painful was Potions without me?"
All three boys looked at each other and groaned simultaneously.
Unlike Remus, Selene doesn't have anyone in their year group that is aware of her condition. In fact, no one does. While it wasn't Remus' first choice to have his friends learn about his werewolf situation, he has since grown to like the support they have provided him with. There are definitely times when he hates the pity they give him, and to begin with, he was very much embarrassed by his true form, but his friends embraced it admirably and the majority of the time, Remus is nothing short of grateful.
Unlike Remus, Selene couldn't think of anything worse. She'd hate for anyone to find out about her beastly form and so Madam Pomfrey always asks someone different from each of her classes to share their notes from the lessons she missed. That way, it's less likely anyone becomes suspicious of her constant visits to the hospital wing. Selene is very appreciative of Madam Pomfrey's discreet approach.
James, Sirius and Peter left after just under an hour with Remus in the hospital wing, after telling stories of their boredom in class, which ultimately led them to plan their next prank on classmate Severus Snape instead of paying attention. Remus briefly wished they could stay before remembering that they had a school day to get on with, and he would hate for them to miss it for him (although, the three of them would hardly dismiss an opportunity to skive lessons). He waved them goodbye and they silently crept away with Madam Pomfrey's approval.
Selene spent the day reading and catching up on the work she missed, kindly given to her by a Hufflepuff classmate at the end of the school day. Night approached with the last streams of sunlight pouring in through the curtains, and the temperature falling to the point where she felt a hot drink and a candle would sing her softly to sleep without the cold nipping at her toes too much.
Neither Selene nor Madam Pomfrey suspected that the dim glow of the candlelight could be seen through two layers of curtain. But Remus Lupin concluded that he had already overthought too much today. A single candle only hinted at another resident in the hospital wing for the night. Nothing else.
The next morning came in a fresh breeze and one of the last summertime glows of September. The smell of grass and pine and the faint hint of a selection of breakfast delights crept in through the cracks in the castle, and Selene was already feeling better. It was most likely the tea that had made her sleepy ─ she feared she would have never closed her eyes without the steamy leaves that had stewed in her favourite mug the night before.
Despite some aching and a few fresh scars that hadn't quite healed as quickly as he would have liked, Remus was desperate to get out of bed and run around as if for the first time. He too felt better and he hoped Madam Pomfrey would see that too.
Remus is confident it was his charm that was the reason the head nurse let him get back to class with nothing but some herbal ointments to take back to his dorm and a few extra bandages for the larger cuts that were, thankfully, concealed by his clothing. Really, it was probably because she felt sorry for him and knew how much he adored being in class.
Selene too loved learning new things in lessons, and so, Madam Pomfrey decided it was safe enough to dismiss them both, seeing as they had both had a long, much-needed lie in.
Remus went first. He gathered his things and left the hospital wing with plenty of time to make it to his third period. Madam Pomfrey delayed Selene's departure to avoid the two of them bumping into each other on their way out. She left just under ten minutes between the two teenagers leaving. Longer probably would have been a more risk-free approach, but they were heading off in two very different directions ─ Remus to the Gryffindor tower (Madam Pomfrey had waited for confirmation that he was definitely going to his dorm room first before she let him go) and Selene to the Ravenclaw tower to collect her things for the day.
"Drink lots of water," Madam Pomfrey instructed Selene as she approached the edge of her curtain cage. "Rest when you get the chance. Have lots of early nights, and don't force yourself to wake up as early as you would like." The nurse waggled a finger at the girl. Selene had always been an early bird and liked to start her days at the crack of dawn. Even after a full moon, she found herself up before any of her dormmates.
"Of course," Selene replied. "I know the drill." She knew it too well, sadly.
Confident a young Remus Lupin was long gone from the Hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey pulled aside the curtain and Selene could have sworn it felt like a breath of fresh air, despite it being the same singular room. Leaving the hospital wing always felt like that ─ liberatingly crisp. "Off you go then," Madam Pomfrey said, and Selene didn't need telling twice.
The Ravenclaw didn't hurry out of the ward but still walked with gratitude as she passed a few other patients and the large windows that were letting in pools of light that baked her skin at the perfect late morning temperature.
Madam Pomfrey was good at her job. She cared about her patients and she always did what was best for them. Which is why she cannot be blamed for Remus Lupin's return to the hospital wing seven minutes after he had initially left. Only Remus himself can be blamed for that. It was, after all, his fault for leaving his school jumper on the rack under his bed. His property was not Madam Pomfrey's responsibility, and she cannot be held accountable for not looking. He had gotten a little too warm in bed the previous night and had decided to remove said jumper and in an act of tiredness, simply chucked it under his bed carelessly. It was easy to forget he had ever put it there.
He now had to go back to the hospital wing and get it.
Remus moaned to himself, rolled his eyes, and span on the spot when he realised, picking up his pace as he walked out of the Gryffindor common room.
Selene was a mere ten strides out of the hospital wing when a panting Remus Lupin came running from the opposite direction. Their eyes met in a curious ogle. Initially, a confused moment of surprise, which eventually, eased into a warm, softened gaze. Their pupils remained locked on each other as Remus slowed his pace, and Selene stared up at the boy, who had now reduced his pace to a casual stroll. Two smiles appeared in the hallway, an unexpected, yet pleasant encounter brought on by a silly jumper. The sun coated the walls of the corridor in a honeycomb gold, a light wind trickling in from the many open windows.
Their heads rotated towards each other as they got closer until finally, Selene went her way, and Remus went his.
It was obvious that Selene had just come from the hospital wing. Remus only had to jog for about a second until he was back where he had just spent the last three days. Remus wondered if Selene's visit to the wing had been brief and if that meant that she had been there when he was. If that meant she had seen him and hadn't said hello.
Selene was hardly questioning Remus' motives for going to see Madam Pomfrey in the ward. She had suspected that maybe he had been there two days ago, when she thinks she heard James Potter, Sirius Black and maybe even Peter Pettigrew talking in the hospital wing aisle. It was possible that Remus was returning briefly for whatever reason. A reason that was none of her business.
Selene just hoped that whatever business he had in the hospital wing, Remus was okay.
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