A/N: Hey wattpaders, what's up? Yes! It's an update :D So I wanted to thank you, guys for voting for my wattpad love in the iflist.com we're getting closer to our goal. If you haven't supported the story to be a movie, what are you waiting for? :D Here's the link: http://www.iflist.com/stories/mywattpadlove
I must admit this was a hard chapter to write :/
Hugs,
Ariana.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Breathe…
I can’t.
Just try…
I couldn’t. Every time I tried, my chest hurt. The pain wasn’t physical though. I just felt empty inside, right on the spot where my heart was. The sadness within me was pouring out of me in the form of tears.
I was sobbing as I walked through the quite, dark path that leaded to the cabin. I didn’t even care about the night insects, or wild animals. I wiped my tears away with my sweater’s sleeve but it was useless, more kept coming. I realized I wasn’t exactly sad, I was very disappointed. I’d had this entire idea of how my birthday was going to be inside my head. As soon as my friends surprised me with the trip, I started picturing different scenarios where we would all have fun, nothing close to this. I’d imagined myself joking around with Evan and everyone else. I’d thought he’d be next to me when the clock ticked midnight. I’d pictured the two of us, snuggling close to the bonfire.
I’d never thought he could tell me such nasty things, or that he would chose Jane over me. Never. I thought he wouldn’t let his pride rule him like this.
I just wanted a nice birthday.
Was that too much to ask for? Maybe, I was being punished for my mistakes. I spotted the cabin’s lights and sniffed. I needed to get a grip. I wiped my face off with my sleeve again. Maybe sleeping would make forget everything. Hurriedly, I climbed the front stairs.
I just wanted to jump on a bed and cry myself to sleep. However, I froze when I stepped in the porch. Jane was there. She was sitting on the small swing, her feet dangling in the air. She had a long coat on and a cup of coffee in one hand. Her hair was in a messy bun.
She smiled when she saw me, “Hey, birthday girl.” I said nothing. She frowned, her smile faltering, “You’re okay?” I bit my tongue not to say anything nasty back.
“Yes.” I lied but my voice was hoarse from the crying and my face was probably as red as a cherry. Jane took her time to scan me up and down.
A satisfied grin formed in her lips, it seemed like her nice mask was off. “You don’t look fine at all, kid.”
The last word made me clench my fists at my sides, “I’m not a kid.”
“You sure?” she asked nastily, “Because you certainly act like one.”
“You know nothing about me.” anger was boiling inside me.
“I know enough,” her grin made me sick. She placed her cup on a small table next to the swing and rose to her feet, “I’ve been waiting to have this talk with you, Jules.”
I scowled at her, “What talk? You and I have nothing to talk about.”
Her grin widened, “Oh believe me, darling, we do.” She folded her arms across her chest, “And to make this simple, you should stay away from Evan before you get hurt. Well, oops, it may be too late,” she gestured my red face.
“And why on Earth would I listen to you?” I didn’t bother to hide the despise in my voice.
She shrugged, “I’m just giving you a piece of advice.”
“Well, no thanks.” I gave her a smile of my own, “I’d rather not take the advice from a frustrated bìtch like you.” Her mouth formed an O but then she burst out to laughing.
“Well, well, well, little Jules can say bad words, huh?” she licked her upper lip, “I’m just giving you a warning, kid. It’s up to you to take it or not. I don’t even care,”
“I can’t believe Evan is friends with you.” I grimaced in disgust. She was such mean human.
“I can think of a few reasons,” she said with relish.
“Really?” I asked sarcastically, “Enlighten me then. Why would he be friends with a person like you?”
“Because I fùcked him.” My world stopped right there.
“What?”
Her grin returned, “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that.” She pretended to remember, “We fùcked, repeatedly, in every position you can imagine, all over his house.”
No. no. “You’re lying.” I managed to say in a whisper.
“Am I?” she sighed, “He’s always lying to you, isn’t he? It doesn’t surprise me, really. I’m the only one he’s honest with.” My world was shattering around me. She couldn’t be telling the truth, she couldn’t, “You don’t know him at all. I do. I bet you don’t even know his weak spot, right below his ear. He loves when I lick him there while I’m riding him, I-”
“Shut up! Just shut…” my voice broke. My lips trembled, my hands shook.
This is too much.
This can’t be true.
This…
Be strong, Jules. Don’t give her the satisfaction.
I tried to composed myself, and I looked right into her eyes, “I pity you.”
Her eyes widened, “What?”
“I pity you,” I took a step forward, “You think having sèx with someone means they love you? You’re so lost in this world. I may be naïve and a hopeless romantic but I’m the girl he calls his girlfriend, aren’t I? If he’s so into you, why is he with me?” she said nothing, “I’m the girl he writes poems for. I’m the girl he introduces to his grandparents, the girl he climbs a wall for, the girl he pampers when he has the chance and more importantly, I’m the girl he’s willing to wait until marriage to have sèx because sèx is secondary when love is real.”
Her eyes were filled with tears by the time I finished, “You… little bìtch!”
“Oh and yeah, maybe I’m still a kid but I have more self-respect than you.” And with that, I entered the cabin, leaving a sobbing Jane behind me.
Closing the door behind me, I collapsed to the floor. My strong composure left my body and waves of pain chastised my heart incessantly. A part of me didn’t want to believe Jane but somehow I knew she was telling the truth. I knew she and Evan had something going on. I didn’t know if their thing was in the past or if Evan had cheated on me with her but either way, Evan had lied to my face so carelessly it disarmed me. I held my mouth tightly, silencing the sobs leaving my body.
The mere thought of Evan and Jane together made me sick.
I’d never felt this feeling before. It disgusted me. It enhanced the pain of my already shattered heart. This was officially the worst birthday I’d ever had. How could he lie to me like that? He lived with her. Was that why he kept that from me? shakily, I rose to my feet. My sight was blurred from the tears. I walked to the bed where my bag was. I sat down, keeping my hands at my sides. Moonlight streamed in through the window’s glass, lightening the room slightly and making shadows on the wooden floor. I could see the trees outside, wobbling with the wind. It was a nice sight and in other circumstances I’d probably enjoy it.
Not tonight.
Thick tears rolled down my cheeks, falling off my chin. I raised my hand to touch the pendant on my chest. It was the beautiful strawberry necklace he’d given to me. I wanted to rip it off but I didn’t have the strength to do so. I let go of it and squeezed the bed at my sides.
It hurts so much.
It was then I heard the door crack opened.
Evan strolled in, and immediately scanned the room, looking for me. He looked beautiful under the moonlight which made my pained heart beat faster. His dark eyes met mine but I averted my gaze.
I don’t want to see you.
Get out.
He was silent for a while. However, he didn’t keep it for long.
“Jules, I…” he trailed off and I waited for him to say whatever he had to say. I had no energy left to deal with this, to deal with him, “I’m sorry for not being there for your birthday. You have to understand me, I was jealous and I-”
“Save it.” I cut him off coldly. If he thought this was about my birthday thing, he was so wrong.
“Jules, you have to understand, I-”
“I don’t have to do anything, Evan.” I retorted, rising to my feet. I looked at him and his expression morphed into one of pain when he saw my face, “For how long?”
He frowned, his dark eyebrows almost touching, “How long what?”
“For how long were you going to lie to me about Jane?” I said her name with disgust. His eyes widened and he seemed taken aback for a moment. He composed himself quickly but it was too late, I’d noticed his shock.
“What are you talking about?”
I clenched my teeth, “Don’t you dare lying to me again. Be honest with me or get out.”
“Jules, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he made a move to walk to me but I raised my hand stopping him.
“Right, let me rephrase my question then,” I didn’t even recognize myself. My tone was icy cold, “For how long have you been fùcking Jane?” his jaw almost dropped to the floor and he didn’t bother to hide how shocked he was this time.
Silence.
He was too shock to say something smart in return. So, it was true. Confirmation made my stomach twist in disgust. Evan’s cold façade fell and the vulnerable dark poet took over.
He reached for me, “Jules, let me explain, please,”
“Explain? I think this is very simple, did you fùck her or not?” I spat out nastily. His silence was the answer, the shattering answer, “Did you…” my voice cracked, “Did you cheat on me?”
“No, for God sakes, no!” he said hurriedly, “I would never do that to you, Jules! I haven’t touched her in months.”
“Months?” I caught the last word and he seemed to regret saying it, “Months? When was the last time you had sèx with her?”
“Jules, that’s not important, I-”
“When?!” I demanded seriously.
“I don’t remember it was a long time ago,”
I stared at him, “You do remember. Tell me. Were we already talking?”
Evan hung his shoulders, averting his gaze, “Yes.” My pained heart shattered some more.
“When?”
“The day I saw you in the park.” He admitted sorrowfully, “I thought I wasn’t going to see you again. That I had no chance with you. I was trying to get you out of my head.”
“By fucking another girl? Wow…” I found myself speechless, “After you gave me that beautiful poem, you went and fùcked another girl. That is fucked up, you know that, right?”
He nodded with a pained expression on his face, “I know.”
“I just have one last question, Evan.” I whispered, letting the tears fall once again, “She was the girl you lost your vìrginity with, wasn’t she?”
Evan lowered his head, “Yes.” Ouch.
I said nothing. I was afraid of speaking and crying aloud in front of him. My silent tears were humiliating enough.
“Jules,” he took a step forward, “That was in the past. You are my present and my future.”
“It’s not in the past if you lie to me about it in the present,” I retorted, “You lied to my face, Evan. Do you realize that? You lied to me about the girl you lost your vìrginity with. You lied to me about Jane only being your best friend. That’s why you didn’t even tell you live with her. You two live alone in a house and you have history. For all I know you’ve been having sèx with her all this time.”
“No,” he shook his head, “I swear I haven’t touched her, Jules. I haven’t cheated on you. I give you my word.”
“Your word means nothing when all you have done is lie to me.” I stated bitterly.
“I never meant to lie to you. I just didn’t want you to know that part of my past. I didn’t want to drag you into it. I wanted to leave it behind.”
I ignored his words, “You made me feel so miserable about the Shane thing.” I let out a sarcastic chuckle, “You acted all high and mighty while you were lying to my face.”
“Jules, listen to me. I’m sorry for lying to you. I was doing what I thought it was best for you. Keeping you out of it.”
“No, you were doing what was best for you.”
“She’s in the past you are my-”
“Your present and your future,” I finished for him with a mocking tone, “That’s hard to believe when you chose her over me tonight. You ruined my birthday and stayed with her here, just the two of you. Maybe you missed being alone with her like you are all the time in your house.”
Evan came closer, “No, it’s not like that. I didn’t choose her. I was just pissed off, it had nothing to do with her.” He lifted his hand to reach for me but I slapped it away.
“Don’t touch me.” my voice cracked and I knew I had enough for the night. I sniffed, “Get out.”
“No, no, no,” he rushed in a desperate tone. He looked so vulnerable, so scared of losing me, it made my heart ache more, “Jules, please, you have to understand.” He held my face with both hands, “Please, forgive me. Please,” he rested his forehead against mine.
I shook my head, “Forgive you? Just like you forgave me, Evan? Which you didn’t, actually. You proved that tonight.” I grabbed his hands, removing them from my face. He leaned back. His eyes were red, filled with unshed tears, “Please, get out.”
“No,” he said stubbornly, “You have to forgive me. You have to.” Tears escaped his dark eyes, “I can’t survive without you. I can’t, please,” he fell to his knees.
Sobs left my body as I watched him looking so broken. It reminded of that time on the lake he asked me to be his girlfriend, “Evan, get up.”
“No until you forgive me. I need you, Jules. I love you so much. You’re everything to me, please,” I looked up at the ceiling not being able to see him like this.
“You say that now but tonight, you proved how little I mean to you. You didn’t even care about my birthday.”
“I was stupid. I was jealous and I’m so sorry!” he pleaded, holding my hands, looking up at me with those endless dark eyes, filled with tears. I cupped his face with one hand, my shattered heart making difficult to even breathe.
“I… love you so much,” my lower lip trembled, “but I can’t be with you anymore. I need time. I need… strength.”
“No, no, no,” he got up, holding my face with both hands, “I’ll do anything. Anything for you, please, don’t leave me.” I tried to take a deep breath but failed miserably.
Pushing my love intoxicated heart aside, I spoke, “I need you to leave, Evan. I need you to respect my choice. If you love me, you’d do that for me.”
Evan let his hands drop to his sides, defeated, “Jules, please, I beg you.”
I gave my back to him, sobbing, “Please, get out.”
“No,” I heard him say behind me, “This can’t be the end of us. We can fix this. I know we can. We are right for each other. We are happy together. Jules, please.”
“I can’t,” I spoke, heart in hand, “Every time you hurt me, it has taken a small piece of me. You’ve hurt me so many times since the very beginning and this… this is too much. I can’t handle it. I need time. I need to heal, Evan.”
“I can’t lose you.” He pleaded. I closed my eyes, grasping some strength.
“Evan, get out and as soon as the sun rises, leave and take your fùck buddy, best friend, whatever she is with you. I don’t want to see you when I wake up tomorrow. You’ve done enough to ruin my birthday. I deserve some peace at least.”
“Jules…”
“Get out.” I demanded, not daring to turn around. I couldn’t see him like that anymore. It was too much.
“You promised,” he whispered, “You promised you wouldn’t give up on me. I told you I was a fùcked up, that I didn’t deserve you and you promised you wouldn’t leave me.” the vulnerability dripping from his tone was piercing through my aching soul.
“Just go.” I said in a whisper.
“I’m nothing without you, can’t you see that? Please, look at me,” he grabbed my arm, turning me to him.
I slapped his hand, “Just get out!” I screamed at him surprising him, “I need time, I need to heal. I’m not a punch bag. I can’t just take every blow and keep going like nothing happened. I need you to leave right now or I’ll leave. It’s up to you.”
He licked his lips, his nose and cheeks were red, stained with tears, “I’ll leave but this is not the end. I’ll give you time but we are not over.” He affirmed and turned around, “We will never be over. Love like ours are endless.”
And then he was gone and it felt as if he had ripped a big part of me and taken it with him.
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