‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞 ·˙‧̍̊
𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐩𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐚 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐜𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐟𝐭𝐞𝐧.
Although, that statement does depend on what exactly one categorises under a crush. If we're talking about short term infatuations, she has had plenty. It has always been in her nature to plan elaborate weddings after no more than a handshake, and if that's what you'd consider a crush, the conversation changes drastically. Mena's crush count skyrockets from one-digit numbers somewhere to the hundreds.
None of those were actually real, though.
Or, at least she didn't think so. You'd need to know the person at least a little to really like them, wouldn't you?
Before she arrived at Silverwood, there were only two people she ever had serious crushes on. Both of them ended rather...infamously.
The first was a boy who kept coming to the biology competitions, year after year. He was pretty, in a way, and he really knew his facts about pigments. Rivalry, the academic setting of a middle school, continuous yet fleeting meetings... it was a love story waiting to happen. After all, there are only so many conversations about molluscs that a hopeless romantic like Mena can have with a person before it eventually becomes too much.
Obviously, she fell for him.
And she fell hard. Her face burned whenever someone mentioned him, and her memory of the periodic table got messed up whenever he was around. She daydreamed about him constantly. Wrote a story about it. Wrote another story about it, except this time they were vampires. She went on like that for years, looking forward to the days of the competitions in a way no sane thirteen year old should have. But in all those years, the two of them never really talked. Not about anything that isn't biology-related, anyway.
Until the night after the state championship in eighth grade.
That night, the two of them stayed up in the hotel room, just getting to know each other. He told her about his family, his childhood pets, and what annoys him about long road trips. He was funny about it, too, and engaging. Knew just how long to listen to her, and when to chime in to keep the conversation going.
But by the time the morning came, her crush on him was gone.
There was no reason for it to happen. If anything, she should have been more into him than ever. They became good friends after that, and Mena suddenly couldn't see them ever being anything more. As though she had abruptly flipped a switch in her mind, any semblance of romantic attraction that Mena once had for him suddenly disappeared.
Her second crush was on her best friend, who also just so happened to be a girl.
The girl part turned out to be less of a problem than the best friend part. Especially when they started getting closer. Closer, maybe, than your average straight girls do.
Mena pulled the switch again, this time on purpose. She got scared when things started getting serious, and she ran. Ignored all the texts for weeks, claimed to be too busy to meet, and all but ghosted one of the most important people in her life.
So.
Yeah.
Now that she thinks about it, she might have some problems.
But there's no need to discuss those now, because they're totally irrelevant to the situation. She doesn't have a crush on Silena. It's just the constant proximity getting to her head—nothing to worry about.
Miles and Lyrica, of course, seem to disagree.
"I'm not saying that you have a crush on her," Miles says, placing his tray onto the table. "I'm just saying that the way you looked at her during training was a little too real. You're not that good of an actress."
They're sitting at their table in the cafeteria, waiting for Emi and Silena to join them once they change out of their workout clothes. Mena keeps nervously looking towards the door, irrationally scared that Silena will somehow overhear this absolute slander of a conversation.
"First of all, I'm a great actress. Second of all, her backflips can literally rearrange the universe. That's not my fault."
Miles gives her a tired look.
"Honestly, Mena. Just think about the words that you're saying."
"Smitten," Lyrica adds, covering it up with a fake cough.
Mena glares at them.
"I'm not smitten. It's an objective fact."
"A fact that you felt the need to voice now?" Lyrica questions. "Even though it's only the two of us, who you don't need to pretend for?"
She has a little bit of a point. Whatever. It would be embarrassing to back away from her argument now. Besides, even if she feels a little lightheaded in Silena's presence, it's totally normal. They sleep in the same bed. They share a shower. They kissed once! Mena might be getting a bit in over her head, and she might think that Silena is attractive, but she does not have a crush on her.
This isn't what the movies said it feels like. It's too subtle and gradual. Too comfortable. Too easy to fall into. There were no big moments of revelation. Instead, it just felt like when you dream of someone being nice to you, wake up, and suddenly feel as though you've been in love with them forever.
It's not like the movies, and therefore it must not be the real thing.
Mena crosses her arms over her chest, and sinks down her chair.
"It's called method acting," she grumbles. "Look it up."
"Is the method in question catching genuine feelings for your pretended girlfriend? Because if so, you're doing a fine job."
Mena raises a finger of choice. Lyrica puts a hand over her heart.
With a heavy, imparted sigh, Miles nods towards the doors.
"Speaking of, she's coming this way."
Mena sits up straight again.
Silena is, in fact, making their ways towards them- and looking rather gloomy about it. Emi follows in her wake, and even her cheerful exuberance seems to be dimmed by the figurative dark shadows emitting from Silena's form. Unlike her friend, she does smile at them once she arrives at the table- but it's sheepish rather than bright.
"Hi, Silena," Lyrica says, finally breaking the silence. "You look..."
"Menacing?" Mena offers.
"Capable of murder," Miles notes.
"Pissed." Emi contributes.
Lyrica looks between them, disappointed and a little irked.
"I was going to say lovely."
"No, they're right," Silena says, stabbing her fork into a potato with a worrisome amount of force. "I am pissed."
Everyone at the table looks at Mena, as though this is something they've already practised. She shakes her head vehemently. Lyrica elbows her in the side. Mena accepts her fate with a pained groan, followed by an exhausted sigh.
"Why are you pissed, dollface?"
Silena stabs her potato again.
If she keeps it up for much longer, she might even turn it into a puree. Mena wonders if she should let her. It does sound more appetising right now.
"Good question," Silena says, the smile on her face poisonously sweet. "Emi, would you like to answer it?"
Emi puffs up her cheeks.
"He asked! I couldn't say no."
"You could. It's really easy. Just say no."
"But consider this: I can't."
Silena narrows her eyes.
Mena leans over, and slowly removes the fork from her grip.
"I don't care who will explain," Lyrica says, ever the diplomat. "But I do request that someone does."
Silena flips her hair over her shoulder, chin raised. A motion that Mena interprets to say Fine, I'll do it.
"Jonah is going suit shopping with us."
Judging by the silence that follows, it's definitely not something that anyone at the table expected. In all the ruckus in her head, Mena had nearly forgotten that Jonah exists. Which is kind of ridiculous, since he's the one who it all started with.
The reminder of Jonah is not a pleasant one.
Awful would be a much better descriptor, actually. Because the reminder of Jonah is also a reminder that this whole ruse will be over soon, and a reminder that Silena probably still has feelings for him. Mena isn't blind. She doesn't know exactly what happened between them before she came along, but the way Silena talks about him is filled with nostalgia and love just as much as it is filled with anger and regret. They've known each other for years; that kind of thing doesn't just disappear overnight.
But this train of thought is a reminder of the jealousy that simmers in her own guts, and so she pulls it to a stop.
"What?"
This time, Miles is the one to break the silence.
"Odd," Lyrica follows in his lead. "I can't even imagine Jonah in a place that isn't high school."
"I didn't mean to invite him," Emi defends herself, mainly looking at Mena as she does so. The intention is sweet, but Mena is a bit too lost in her head to appreciate it. "I asked Rahul if he wanted to come with, and then Jonah asked if he could too."
"And you said yes."
Emi turns to Silena again.
"As an instinct! He's still my best friend. I get that you're mad at him, and I am too. But even if he's an asshole, I can't be an asshole back."
Silena shrugs, unphased.
"Well, I can."
"Silena..."
"I'm not kidding. I could let him know that he can't come right now, in the middle of the cafeteria."
Mena feels somebody kick her leg under the table.
Ah, right.
She should probably say something, shouldn't she?
Protective. That's the first thing anyone ever told her about Silena. The only reason she's protesting about this so loudly is because she believes that Jonah's presence will present a source of discomfort for Mena. And she's right, though not because of the reasons that she probably has in mind.
But even if Mena doesn't want him there, she knows she's the only one who can solve this before it escalates. And unless she wants Miles to faint, she really shouldn't let it escalate.
Gently, she places her hand onto Silena's.
"It's fine."
Silena looks her immediately, eyes going soft for the first time since she sat down. She searches Mena's face quickly but carefully, on the lookout for any sign of doubt.
"Are you sure?"
Mena spent a lot of time practising charming smiles in front of the mirror.
Even Silena's scepticism never stood a chance against it.
"Yeah," She says, offering a nonchalant side shrug. "Why not?"
Emi smiles at her thankfully.
"I'll be with him the whole time," She promises. "You won't even notice him."
-
True to her word, Emi is the one to spend the afternoon by Jonah's side.
But that doesn't mean that Mena doesn't notice his presence.
This is partially because of how strong his cologne is, as per true straight boy fashion. But it's also her own fault, to an extent. Steering clear of Jonah might be the side mission, but Silena is the one she's truly avoiding. She tries not to be obvious about it, and she tries not to be obvious about the glances she keeps sending her way.
If the glances Miles and Lyrica keep sending her way mean anything, she fails at it miserably.
Besides, her plan backfires horribly. Because Mena keeps avoiding her, and consequently pulling Miles and Lyrica away with her, Silena spends most of her time around Emi. Except Emi is on Jonah babysitting duty, and so Silena spends time with him, as well.
Even now that they're not on the best terms, the three of them fit together as though they were tailored to do so. Or maybe not tailored, but adjusted over time. Whereas Mena would feel at least a bit hesitant while suggesting a dress to Silena, unsure of whether or not she'll like it, Jonah picks them out as if he were picking for himself, and Silena agrees with each choice.
The fact that he apparently knows Silena's exact dress size doesn't help with Mena's sour mood either.
Neither does this pink monstrosity of the dress she's currently trying on. It looked pretty up on the hanger, but when she puts it on, it just seems like she's nine again, trying on her mom's clothes. Whoever designed the part of the dress meant for the chest obviously had bigger plans than Mena is able to follow through with. The piece sticks out weirdly, empty and a bit incriminating. Not to mention the ten yards of fabric just dragging along the floor.
All in all, she's having a truly shit time.
It only gets worse when she sees Silena come outside of her own dressing stall in the back of the mirror. This dress, just like every other, fits her gorgeously. It's a shimmering blue gown, hugging her figure tightly, and even with her face bare and her hair in a haphazard ponytail, she manages to look runway ready.
Mena feels jealousy ringing sheer and high in her ears.
But it's not Silena's inability to look bad that prompts the sound. It's the way that Jonah walks up to her almost right away, all confident and comfortable about being in her space, like he doesn't even notice he's doing it.
She doesn't know how she was ever attracted to his face. Right now, she just kinda wants to punch it.
"Need help?"
"Yeah," Silena says. "The stupid zipper is stuck."
Before she can see him help her zip it up, Mena looks away from the mirror, and quickly makes her way back into her dressing stall. The doors unintentionally slam behind her.
She lets the dress fall onto the floor, kicking it with her foot. It only takes a second for her to feel bad about it. She picks it up, puts it back on the clothing hanger, and leans against the wall with a heavy sigh.
What is going on with her?
It's a question that she could spend the whole night mulling over, probably. Unfortunately, she doesn't get that kind of time- because only about two minutes into her angst and wallows, the door of her stall inches open.
"Relax," Silena says, before she even gets a chance to scream. "It's just me."
Yeah. Just her.
Mena could almost laugh at the irony.
Instead she raises an eyebrow, trying her best to play it cool.
"Missed me that much, dollface?"
Silena, as usual, isn't interested in being subtle about her intentions.
"Why are you avoiding me?"
Well. Maybe if she didn't burst in like that, Mena would have had time to come up with an answer. As it is, she's almost as clueless about her behaviour as Silena seems to be.
"I'm not."
"You are," Silena insists. "I'm not an idiot. I just want to know why."
This is not a conversation that Mena wants to have while just in her hello kitty underwear, not gonna lie.
"I plead the fifth."
"Is it Jonah?" Silena asks. "Are you mad that he's here?"
"Aren't you?" Mena fires back.
She hates the way her voice sounds as she says it. As though she's somehow feeling betrayed because Silena didn't hold on to her initial fury. If it was because of what happened at the start of the year, she'd at least feel justified in her feelings. As it is, she just feels like an asshole.
Nothing is making sense.
"Not really," Silena admits. "I mean, I'm angry at what happened back then, but I'm angry for you. I forgave him for the part that involved me a long time ago." She worries her bottom lip between her teeth. "He's my best friend, and he's sorry. I'm not going to ask you to forgive him, now or ever, and I'll even kick him in the gut if you ask me to. But it'll be for you, not me."
Hm. She seriously needs to stop phrasing things like that.
"Mhm," Mena mutters, because anything more coherent is out of the question. She grabs one of the dresses, pointlessly folding it only to unfold it and do it again.
"And this was supposed to be fun! I thought you looked forward to dress shopping?"
"I don't know," Mena says, distantly aware of the fact that she's being unfair. "You and Jonah seem to be having lots of fun."
Silena pauses, for once unprepared. Or maybe just incredibly confused.
"What does that even- hey, no, quit that," She pulls the dress away from Mena's arms, and throws it back onto the floor. She grabs Mena's wrists, pulling her in closer, as though this will somehow help get the points that she's about to make into Mena's stubborn head.
The only thing Mena thinks it helps is to make her thoughts even more disorienting.
"Personal space," she croaks.
"Oh, I've given you enough of that," Silena scoffs. "I can't believe you. You're a dumbass."
"Now that's just mean."
"Mena," Silena says, "The only reasons I've been hanging around Jonah is because you keep avoiding me. Seriously, do you think I care about dress shopping? I would just wear the same thing I wore to some other dance if it were up to me. You're literally the only reason I'm here."
And, alright.
Even if she currently was emotionally stable (which she isn't), how is Mena even supposed to respond to a speech like that?
Breathing suddenly feels dangerous. Like all of her feelings can be heard in a single breath.
"Oh," She says.
Silena rolls her eyes, and finally lets go of Mena's wrists.
"Yeah, oh. Now, can we get back to trying things on?"
Mena nods.
Silena makes no moves to leave.
"Oh, are you just going to...?"
Silena leans against the wall. Mena purses her lips, and nods again.
"Right, okay. Never mind."
She picks the next out of the dresses she chose. This one is pink, too (she took the Valentines theme very seriously, thank you), with fairyesque flowers embroidered on the delicate fabric. It's so pretty that Mena almost doesn't want to try it on. She's having a rough enough of a time already. If this dress doesn't fit her well, she might just set the entire mall aflame.
The first part goes smoothly, but she fumbles when she gets to the zipper.
Thankfully, Silena jumps over straight away. She puts her hand on her waist as she pulls the zipper up, and Mena wonders if Jonah did that too, only minutes ago. That image is hard to swallow around.
It gets kicked out of her head quickly, though, when Silena finishes zipping her up, and places her other hand on her waist too. She runs them up and down two times, as though she's straightening some imaginary folds, and then leans down to rest her chin on Mena's bare shoulder.
"It's pretty," She says. Her voice is a tingly whisper against Mena's neck.
And it is pretty. A little long, but it'll probably be alright with appropriate shoes.
Yet all that Mena can focus on is the way Silena is leaning against her. She tries to do what she did before. Attempts to turn the switch, to turn it off.
But it's already too late. Somehow in these past few weeks, this affection for Silena silently snuck itself into some unprotected part of Mena's heart, and blended with it completely. And what's perhaps the most terrifying of it all is that it wasn't the kisses in front of crowded bleachers, or the confetti, or the glittery banners that did it. The feeling isn't like fireworks, or thousands of butterflies fluttering in her stomach. Instead, it's as warm and as familiar as the mug at her bedside table, made by a girl who doesn't like to drink coffee.
Before she arrived at Silverwood, there were only ever two people she had serious crushes on.
And now, there are three.
-
only three chapters (+ an epilogue) to go!! and the next one is when things REALLY start to happen >:-)