Dear Park Jay,
This is the first time I've actually answered to Heeseung hyung's wish for us to write since your death. For nine months, I found myself at loss for words whenever and wherever asked me how I feel about your sudden passing.
Then today, as if it was a sign from your son who we all heard says his first baby words while looking up to your picture frame at the wall, he says Appa and I find it weak, cowardly even to not write to you as soon as possible.
I could say that much has changed since you died, yet also much has stay the same. But only the foolish ones would suggest such, because all of us who loved you had change by your loss. Especially in the dorm when we have moments where we're all quiets and trying to do our best not to think about the missing member that much.
At least once did Sunoo made the mistake of calling for you and then boom, the denial stage was over and at least some of us was doubled over, clutching over their knees, wracked with sobs as we railed at the injustice of it all.
Three years together of being in the same group, with so many more ahead, and then boom. Gone. Not even a psychic could even predict it.
Image loving someone so easily and perfectly as one of your very dearest friend, and then they die unexpectedly; taken in the prime of both your lives. To be left with that crushing absence, because you knew you cared, you thought he'll stay, but turns out you're wrong.
Which brings me to the one who experienced the biggest strike of pain at your death, Y/N. I remember admiring her for standing through it all. Through the hate and backlash when she was revealed as your girlfriend, and had received loved and support when the sasaeng confessed to what really happened that night.
When she first received the news, she didn't cry for the first time and she just smiled, looking to the positive side of how in the way of losing your life, you've saved another one.
She had turned to be such a good mother despite of all her fears that she was not doubting to share with us. She's always doing her best for your son, Jay.
And I can tell that was enough for baby Jay to be attached like a koala to her day by day. By the way, I'd like to say that he's so cute, I just want to kidnap him and keep him to myself, but if I did that, you will probably visit me in my dreams to return him to his mom.
As for Heeseung's feeling to her, she can't quite believe it at first for she wasn't really prepared to prepare her heart again on the game of love. He understood saying that he will wait for her to be ready. Maybe in the time the wounds from you was less of a pain and she can say that she had moved on.
Not really moving on like forgetting you, I think it is in the sense of jumping herself again to love another man, but of course, there's no one that could replace you ever in her memories.
Even if I wasn't really knowledgeable to love, I have seen enough of the two of you before that I can say, you were so madly inlove with each other that you're willing to risk it for one another.
In other words, you are Y/N's greatest love - the one that last, long lasting even in death.
And I am here making a promise like the others: I will still be here by the day baby Jay could finally walk by himself to see the beautiful world out there.
If there is anything I learned from the passing of you, my dearest friend, it is that time is truly precious.
We never know when will be the last time we see someone.
I have learned to make more time for the people I care about like the boys and my parents and the other people who matters, even if it's five minutes.
Whether it be a text or phone call, I make the time now. To each person you care about and love - make sure they know. Hug your loved ones a little tighter. Enjoy your time with them and make as many memories as you can.
Take tons of pictures, send cards and letters, and take mini road trips together. Accomplish all you can and chase your dreams. Fulfill your life with all of the things that make you happy as best you can.
So I will end this letter with me saying that we miss you so much. Thank you for being one of the most influential person that I've ever met, for accepting and loving everyone of us in the group.
For being someone that impacted the lives of many just by being himself.
You will never be forgotten, my precious friend.
love, Jake.